LOS ANGELES — In response to the GOP’s efforts to defund Planned Parenthood, Beyoncé aborted her prenatal twins yesterday afternoon, Beyoncé stated at a press conference this morning.
“America cannot stand idly by while these corrupt, male bureaucrats try to tell women what we can and cannot do with our bodies,” Beyoncé stated. “That is why, in protest of these new bills to defund Planned Parenthood, I aborted my twins yesterday afternoon. Ultimately, this was my own decision, and I encourage all pregnant women in America to follow en suite and abort your babies! Even if you don’t have access to a nearby Planned Parenthood, just grab a friend you can trust, a coat hanger you trust more, and fight back!”
Major backlash against Beyoncé was voiced from many conservatives immediately after the press conference. Outspoken critic of Planned Parenthood and developed fetus Vice President Mike Pence issued a statement saying, “It’s disgraceful that somebody, so many young Americans look up to, has murdered her two beautiful twins in cold blood. How someone such as Beyoncé could rip the heads off their two innocent children, place them on sticks, and march through NYC chanting ‘Death to Toddlers,’ I’ll never understand.”
President Trump has yet to issue an official statement, but tweeted out earlier today, “Disgusting. Beyonce iss [sic] OLD NEws [sic]. SAD!!! [sic] MAGA”
At the same time, many fans of Beyoncé’s have been active in their support. Head of Beyoncé Fan Club and resident morning person Sabina Roco, 17, went on the record stating, “Honestly, Beyoncé is a queen. I fucked 14 guys rawdog since her announcement, just to get pregnant, just so that I can abort the little fucker that tries to steal my nutrients. I posted a service on Craigslist to perform cheap as fuck abortions. I’ve got some Xanax, a coat hanger, some scotch tape, WD-40, sage, and a fake Medical Doctorate.”
Multiple anonymous sources have called in to say that Beyoncé aborted her kids so that she could perform at the Coachella music festival.