Tag Archives: Mike Pence

In Protest of Defunding Planned Parenthood, Beyoncé Aborts Twins

BY Caillou
Resident Daddy

LOS ANGELES — In response to the GOP’s efforts to defund Planned Parenthood, Beyoncé aborted her prenatal twins yesterday afternoon, Beyoncé stated at a press conference this morning.

“America cannot stand idly by while these corrupt, male bureaucrats try to tell women what we can and cannot do with our bodies,” Beyoncé stated. “That is why, in protest of these new bills to defund Planned Parenthood, I aborted my twins yesterday afternoon. Ultimately, this was my own decision, and I encourage all pregnant women in America to follow en suite and abort your babies! Even if you don’t have access to a nearby Planned Parenthood, just grab a friend you can trust, a coat hanger you trust more, and fight back!”bey

Major backlash against Beyoncé was voiced from many conservatives immediately after the press conference. Outspoken critic of Planned Parenthood and developed fetus Vice President Mike Pence issued a statement saying, “It’s disgraceful that somebody, so many young Americans look up to, has murdered her two beautiful twins in cold blood. How someone such as Beyoncé could rip the heads off their two innocent children, place them on sticks, and march through NYC chanting ‘Death to Toddlers,’ I’ll never understand.”

President Trump has yet to issue an official statement, but tweeted out earlier today, “Disgusting. Beyonce iss [sic] OLD NEws [sic]. SAD!!! [sic] MAGA”

At the same time, many fans of Beyoncé’s have been active in their support. Head of Beyoncé Fan Club and resident morning person Sabina Roco, 17, went on the record stating, “Honestly, Beyoncé is a queen. I fucked 14 guys rawdog since her announcement, just to get pregnant, just so that I can abort the little fucker that tries to steal my nutrients. I posted a service on Craigslist to perform cheap as fuck abortions. I’ve got some Xanax, a coat hanger, some scotch tape, WD-40, sage, and a fake Medical Doctorate.”

Multiple anonymous sources have called in to say that Beyoncé aborted her kids so that she could perform at the Coachella music festival.

Trump Presidency Just One Big Make-A-Wish Project

Barbara Not-Walters
Longing For the Truth

WASHINGTON, D.C.—As it turns out, America may not have to deal with a Trump presidency for much longer. According to the Make-A-Wish Foundation, Donald Trump’s role as current Commander-in-Chief is actually just a project by the foundation.
Make-A-Wish Foundation was reportedly so pleased with the results of the Batkid wish, which granted a young boy in San Francisco his wish to fight villains as Batman, they decided to go for an even bigger project. The idea to allow Donald Trump to act as the President was the perfect new venture.

However, reporters hear that the organization is now growing to regret their decision to grant Trump’s final wish.

“First of all, he doesn’t even know that he is part of a Make-A-Wish project. All of us, Melania included, decided it would be best to not tell Trump. That way, everything would feel more authentic. But he is the most ungrateful person we have ever had to deal with.

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TRUMP MAKES A WISH An exclusive preview of the new advertisment to be run by the foundation

According to Make-A-Wish, Melania Trump reached out to the foundation about two years ago, informing them that Donald had been diagnosed with testicular torsion, a condition which causes the testes to painfully twist and, if left untreated, can lead to the loss of the testicles. After much discussion and reading of tweets, everyone involved realized that the one thing he wanted more than anything was to be President of the United States.

“All we had to do with Batkid was put him in a costume for 24 hours and he was done!” said a social worker assigned to Trump’s case.

According to MAW Chairman John Crowley, they let the farce go on for so long simply because, “[they] genuinely didn’t believe Trump would do anything in his time in office”.
However, now that Trump has tried to enact multiple executive orders including the banning Muslims and other immigrants, Crowley has admitted that the venture has gone just a bit too far.

“Now all he does is walk around the White House screaming that America is a big disaster and that he will be the country’s savior,” confirmed multiple members of the MAW board.
Government officials are also apparently not impressed with “President” Trump any longer.

“We were just gonna wait until he got bored and left, but I guess we’ll have to break the news to him sooner. Apparently he wasn’t even aware of his condition. Melania told him that he had to have his testicles removed so that they could be gold-plated and displayed at the Smithsonian,” said Speaker Paul Ryan.

“Really, I just want to quit hearing his whining about Mexicans and just get back to Indiana,” said “Vice President” Mike Pence. “I also want to get as far away from Steve Bannon as possible. He is just the worst. Every day he asks me to pull his finger and the results are horrifying. Someone please save me,” plead Pence.

Make-A-Wish Foundation has recently revealed that they will break the news to Trump about his “presidency” later this week, before he is set to attend the supposed unveiling of his gold-plated testicles.

Melania would like to extend her gratitude towards the foundation as well as America as a whole for tolerating and entertaining Trump in his wish of being the President of the United States.

Trump Tapes Inspire Many

BY Elusive
Tired of Yo Shit

WASHINGTON—The release of Donald Trump’s recordings have continued to cause more backlash for the candidate and the GOP. Perhaps just as important, however, is the rise of sexual assaults that have occurred since the recordings were released.

Previously, it had been reported by the Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network, also known as RAINN, that an American is sexually assaulted every 109 seconds.

Since the release of Trump’s “locker room” tape, that has changed to every 0.5 seconds. Anti-Sexual Assault Organizations have said that they believe this is a direct result of the release of a 2005 recording of Donald Trump.

The tape, which includes Trump making vulgar statements about grabbing women “by the pussy,” has reportedly given many American citizens the moral green light to commit or attempt to commit sexual assault.

“From what I gathered, I can’t get into any trouble for forcing myself on women, because everyone will just blame Mexicans, and probably ISIS. All this time I thought I needed a woman’s permission, but what I really needed was a pair of balls. Donald Trump taught me that, and I am thankful,” said Frederick Barron, a self-proclaimed “proud deplorable.”shrump.png

Despite the overwhelming negative response to Trump’s statements, the GOP still stands by their candidate. Instead, Trump supporters are commending him, stating that the tapes simply further reinforce the notion that Donald Trump “just keeps it real.”

“Yes what Trump said was abhorrent, but Hillary has said and done much worse,” said Trump’s running mate, Mike Pence. “I’ve heard stories about Hillary during her college years, one harrowing story involved a drunk girl who asked Hillary for a hair tie. Hillary denied having a spare, despite wearing at least two on her left wrist. Now I ask you, do you want a president who is so clearly against helping women?”

House Speaker Paul Ryan also had his own share of opinions regarding Trump’s statements.

“His words do not represent the GOP or our beliefs,” said Speaker Ryan. When asked if that meant that he, or the GOP, would rescind their endorsement of Trump, Ryan said, “Well, no…probably not. But we won’t be his cheerleaders either!”

 

Public Can’t Remember Which V.P. is With Which

BY Raul Walker
Stunt Diver

In the raging tire fire that is the 2016 Presidential Election, a shocking revelation came after the announcement of the Vice Presidential Debate. On the periphery of the fire, the two Vice Presidential candidates found themselves to be indiscernible in the eyes of the voters. A codependent poll has shown that a shocking 2 percent of Americans can accurately match the correct Vice Presidential nominee to their Presidential counterpart. The rest of the public has been left in a frenzy trying to determine who to label as a “racist fanatical bigot” and who is the “baby eating traitor to freedom”. Confusion has only compounded as photos of the two sub-candidates began circulating in preparation for their debate. “The overwhelming whiteness of the two really makes them hard to tell apart.” said six year sophomore Martin Straighte. “It’s like you try to look at Kaine’s face and all you see is Trump’s orange glow, you look at Pence’s face and all you see is the red blood of the innocent Americans Hillary let die.”

Both Kaine and Pence have commented on this issue and confessed that they have been having the same issue. “After the debate, I actually went onto Trump’s bus by mistake” recalled Senator Tim Kaine, “We went a fourth of the way to Ohio before anyone of us noticed, Pence was there too and we all just let it ride.”

Pence commented that “I thought I was supposed to be with Hillary. I just saw Trump falling all over himself at the debate and struggled to remember ‘Was this the guy who asked me to run with him?’ luckily I ended up being right. However Kaine being on the bus threw me for a loop.”

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