Category Archives: Volume LII Issue V

Top Five Rutgers Sports Scandals

In light of Rutgers’ Athletic Director Pat Hobbs’ recent chug heard round the world, The Medium looked into the Rutgers’ infamous history with sports scandals. Out of the many to choose from, here are the top five sports scandals at The Birthplace of College Football:

5. In a practice video released by a disgruntled former assistant coach, head basketball coach Mike Rice is caught throwing basketballs at his players in a real faggy way.

4. Sophomore wide receiver William Gladstone catches 3 touchdowns for Phi Delta Theta in a Keller League game against Theta Chi but does not use this feat to slide into mad poonani, as required by league rules.

3. Rutgers football defeats Penn State 21-16 in one of the largest upsets of the 1988 season but is unable to apprehend enabler of child rape Joe Paterno, thus allowing 15 more years of abuse under his watch.

2. Some guy hits a cricket ball, which is really fucking hard, into a jogger’s leg at Buccleuch Park.

1. During the 2015 season, multiple Scarlet Knight football players and head coach Kyle Flood are suspended for a variety of reasons, which could’ve been easily overlooked by students, fans and boosters alike if the team didn’t go 4-8.

Someone’s Getting Fired

BY Mike Hawk
Spongebob Analyst

PISCATAWAY— This Saturday we all lost a piece of our soul. Our very own Scarlet Knights suffered a crushing 78-0 defeat from the Michigan Wolverines. The fans haven’t been this mad since Gary Nova blew it at the Penn State game two years ago. Because of all the uproar, the fans are calling for the firing of someone off the football team staff. It would not be fair to get rid of Chris Ash because he came into this steamy hot mess of a team.

Following the complaints Rutgers athletic director Pat Hobbs called for the immediate firing of Timothy Walsh, the Assistant Video Coordinator for the football team. We asked Hobbs to clarify his decision to fire someone so insignificant from the staff. “Insignificant!? Mr. Walsh is the sole purpose we played so poorly against Michigan Saturday night. Not the play calling, not the bad decisions, and not the skill gap, but Mr. Walsh. Mr. Walsh failed to produce a quality video presentation Coach Ash to entice possible recruits to stay in-state and choose Rutgers, thee birthplace of football over anyone else. That is where our problems stem from and nothing else. He needs to go.”

In the past two years Rutgers has signed on 48 new recruits with only 10 of them being from the Garden State. None of them being ranked in Rivals.com top 10 rankings. That’s right, it’s as easy as typing into google who should be recruited and we have somehow managed to get none of them.

Jim Harbaugh Uses Handicapped Stall While at Rutgers

BY Cicero Dobbs
Pun Enthusiast

PISCATAWAY—The Michigan Wolverines took a big steamy dump on the Rutgers football team Saturday, beating them a whopping 78-0 in what many would call an utter embarrassment by Rutgers on both defense and offense. The Rutgers defense allowed 601 total yards and 11 touchdowns and only gained 39 yards total on offense. After the game another storyline developed that the mainstream media refuses to report on.

According to eyewitness accounts, Michigan head coach Jim Harbaugh used the handicapped stall before going on the bus to return to Michigan. According these eyewitness accounts, the other stalls in the locker room were un-occupied. When asked about the incident, Harbaugh dismissed these allegations as just hearsay and rumor. However, a source close to the team later admitted that Harbaugh needed the handicapped stall because he sustained a lower back injury right before the opening kickoff. The source, who asked to remain anonymous due to safety concerns, was able to shed some light on Harbaugh’s injury.

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“MY NECK, MY BACK”

Apparently Harbaugh pulled his lower back after he was startled by the cannon fire before the start of the game. He quickly received medical attention from the trainer and was cleared to coach. Throughout the first half of the game Harbaugh could be seen wincing in pain and hunched over with his hand on his knees in a “coach’s stance”. At halftime, things seemed to be going well for both Michigan and Harbaugh. Not only were the Wolverines up by 43, but Harbaugh’s back was showing significant improvement. However, before the start of the second half disaster struck again for Harbaugh. For a second time the canon fire caught him off-guard causing him to reinjure is back.

It was then out of pain and anguish that Harbaugh instituted his no mercy rule as retribution for his bad back. After his team scored 35 unanswered points in the second half, there was one thing left for Michigan to do, get on the bus and get out of town. Even though his team had no problem moving the ball moving at this point moving was a struggle for Harbaugh. After successfully making it to the tunnel on his own accord, Harbaugh was helped into the locker room by his staff. Once in the locker room, Harbaugh proceeded relieve himself using the handicapped stall. When asked if he needed the stall because of his back he replied “No, it was the only one available.” There has been no evidence by eyewitnesses to support his claim. According to the cleaning crew, Harbaugh did not just take a dump on our team, but left a huge one in our handicapped toilet.

Second Debate Erupts In Passionate Hate Fuck

BY Carlos Sanviento
Former Female Model

ST. LOUIS–The second debate was held last Sunday and much to the surprise of those coming out of two-year comas, it was another proverbial tire fire. While the debate began normally with both candidates secretly giving the finger, a surprising turn of events occurred at the close of the event. While Republican Candidate and Tic Tac enthusiast, Donald “Jabroni” Trump, was refusing to give his report on what he did over his summer vacation, one brave audience member yelled from the back row that both candidates should, “Just make out already!”

This comment was the spark that ignited a roaring flame as both nominees stared intently at each other to then rush in and embrace their political rival. In a fantastic display of tongue fencing, both opponents fell to the stage floor and began to ravish each other with their bodies. Clinton nipping at the jowls of Trump’s neck and Trump pulling Clinton closer by the lower body, showed a willingness to compromise that was, until then, unheard of in this disaster of an election. Staff from the Clinton campaign said that they had prepared extensively for this kind of turnabout, supplying Clinton with the proper protection. The Trump staff similarly had Trump well versed on the application of lubricant, should ass play be put onto the table. As both candidates began their romp of hate-filled consensual intercourse, the audience cheered in approval of this splendid display of bipartisanship. When reached for a comment, former president Bill Clinton told The Medium “Oh baby, Hill knows how much I love to watch” and thus proceeded to throw a strap-on dildo into the mass of flesh which was the two candidates.

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Real-time reaction

Upon the mutual climax of the two nominees, both cited the event as a “one night thing” and refuted any claims of the two fornicating again outside the occasional lonely Saturday night. Political experts called the event a momentous occasion, as this is the first instance of heterosexual intercourse in American politics. The approval ratings of both candidates has soared following the debate, with Clinton polling well with women for her use of the strap-on supplied by her husband. A history professor from Washington University marks this debate as one for the history books, stating “not since the Lincoln/Douglas debate had two candidates engaged in such a display of aggressive (yet tender) lovemaking.”

How to Impress in a Job Interview

BY Latin Mama

So we’re all cramming to nail that dreaded interview…Here a few tips to land you that unpaid internship where you’ll probably be pouring coffee and making tedious copies for hours on end!

1. Bling yourself OUT! I’m talking 2005 Lil’ Jon style, grillz and all. The more gaudy jewelry you wear, the more important you’ll seem, so pile that shit on till you can hardly walk.

2. When shaking your future employers’ hands, stare into their souls. Intimidate the shit out of them. Then they have no choice but to hire you out of fear for losing their lives.

3. Make sure to have a friend purposefully telephone you during the interview. This makes you seem important. Bitch, your time is valuable! They should be lucky you even penciled THEM into your busy sched.

4. Once they inevitably offer you the job cuz you CRUSHED IT, say that you have gotten a million other job offers and that you´ll “have to get back to them.” We all know this is the biggest lie since Milli Vanilli’s lipsyncing or Trump’s entire life, but, hey, better to lose out on a job than seem desperate…am I right?