Tag Archives: pussy

Rutgers Lacrosse Player Overdoses on Pussy

BY Throb Lowe
Thicker Than Long

NEW BRUNSWICK— Rutgers freshman lacrosse player Chad Martin was found dead in his dorm room on Sunday morning, and the police are ruling the death as an overdose on pussy.

This marks the fourth death of its kind at the university over the past three years. Teammate and senior Brett Thompson initially found Martin when he didn’t show up to practice. He said “When Chad didn’t show I figured he was too hungover and went to go get him, but when the RA let me into his room I was totally shook.”

lacrosse
WHEN TRAGEDY FALLS IN YOUR LAP Rutgers freshman found dead with mouthful of clit

Thompson declined to elaborate on the matter, but Stonier Hall resident adviser Jenna Mcintyre said Martin was “found face down in the lap of a girl that lived across the hall.” Both parties were unconscious, and Martin was unresponsive to efforts by paramedics. The university plans to respond to the event strongly, by requiring athletes to take a course in the safety of eating pussy in moderation.

University president Robert Barchi said “The events of this weekend truly have taken a toll on the university. It has become clear to us that there is an issue with the culture of our community, and we will be taking steps to fix that.” The course will consist of a three hour interactive set of videos, where Rutgers athletes will learn how to enjoy pussy responsibly, much like the existing modules for alcohol consumption and sexual situations.

The lacrosse team will be postponing practice for the next two weeks to allow players to process the tragedy. Team captain Mark Jordan said “I believe the team will hurt for a while, but ultimately it will motivate us to win at this sport that gets us super laid, despite low viewership among more popular NCAA Sports.”

Students who feel seriously affected by the events of the weekend can seek counseling at any university student center until further notice.

Donald Trump Is an Icon

BY Jordan Bellenderdonaldicon.pngAs a privileged, alt-right, 20 something, cis-male I for one appreciate all that Donald Trump has brought to the culture of America this election season. The concept of being able to call a former US Senator, First Lady, and Secretary of State a “nasty woman” on the national stage is liberating. These were opinions that I would usually have to keep sequestered inside of me, but now thanks to “The Donald” it’s now an acceptable term in everyday parlance. Also we have a new phrase added to the lexicon of locker room talk, “Grab ‘em by the pussy” only The Donald could have written prose of such caliber for the everyday man.

Donald Trump has gone above and beyond the call of duty this election cycle by bringing the level of discussion to an all new level, one where we can bypass the stifling nature of political correctness and start talking about the real issues that Americans face. About all those “bad hombres” on the streets going around raping and murdering kids, and creating damning nicknames of career politicians. In my eyes there is no greater American than the Trumpster.

The white male has been oppressed for far too long, but thanks to the Donald we can now cast off our chains and embrace the freedoms entitled to all Americans. There was Susan B. Anthony, Martin Luther King Jr, and Harvey Milk for all those other people, but now is the time for the champion and demagogue of the white cis-male!

Leaked Concession Speeches

Hillary Clintonclinton.png

My fellow Americans, I would like to preface this speech with a heartfelt congratulations to the Republican nominee and *take deep breath Hillary, you can do this* winner of the 2016 Presidential Election, Donald J. *stands for jerk* Trump. I, of course, will concede the victory to him, and this in no way has affected my ambition to help this country to my best ability. I will continue to wo- GOD DAMN IT GOD FUCKING DAMN IT YOU PEOPLE ARE SUCH MORONS! ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS NOT VOTE FOR DONALD TRUMP AND WHAT DO YOU GO AND DO? THAT! HOW COULD YOU FUCKING DO THIS TO ME AGAIN AMERICA?! ALL I WANTED WAS TO BE IN THE WHITE HOUSE AS SOMETHING OTHER THAN A SMOKING HOT BITCHIN’ FIRST LADY BUT NOOOOOOOO, YOU GOTTA ELECT THE ONLY MAN IN THE COUNTRY THAT IS ACTUALLY DOWNGRADING HIS LIFESTYLE TO LIVE THERE? DO YOU THINK HE’S GONNA PAY TAXES ON THAT SHIT? THE GUY WON’T EVEN SPEND MONEY ON A DECENT TOUPEE. MY HAIR WOULD BE THE GREATEST HAIR A LEADER HAS HAD SINCE YOUNG STALIN! AM I TELLING IT LIKE IT IS YET, AMERICA? FUCK IT, I’M MOVING TO NORTH KOREA, I’LL SEND YOU ALL AN EMAIL WHEN I GET THERE, HOPE I DON’T DELETE IT FIRST.


trump.pngDonald Trump

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed, by their Creator, with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Folks, it is bad. It is sooo bad. Let me tell you. This country, and this is a tremendous country by the way, is going to bad places, people. I’ve had thousands of people come up to me since yesterday, and they say, “Donald, how could you let crooked Hillary Clinton steal this election from you, you should really do something about that nasty woman.” Let me tell you, if this election was not RIGGED, this country would have elected the correct candidate, let me tell you, I am the right president *wait for hordes of people to stop applauding and chanting your beautiful name*. Now folks, I know that all of you are upset, and believe me, I am so upset, you have never met anyone more upset than me, but I can also back down like a man, and I am a man, big league. That is why I want you people to go out there and keep this thing going, we are still in this people. I am NOT saying that we should march on Washington, but let me just say, there was a guy that did that a long time ago in the 60’s, and people loved that remember? I’m not saying I’m Martin Luther King, but the blacks do love me, folks. But I will say people, the Second Amendment people could take care of Hillary, if you know what I mean. Folks, let me tell you, I am DEFINITELY NOT saying that we should make our own America, even though it would be way better than the America that Hillary is going to turn this one into, because let’s face it people, if I left the country, none of the good people would be left here to stop Hillary. People, no matter what the lying media tells you, I am the real president.

Trump Tapes Inspire Many

BY Elusive
Tired of Yo Shit

WASHINGTON—The release of Donald Trump’s recordings have continued to cause more backlash for the candidate and the GOP. Perhaps just as important, however, is the rise of sexual assaults that have occurred since the recordings were released.

Previously, it had been reported by the Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network, also known as RAINN, that an American is sexually assaulted every 109 seconds.

Since the release of Trump’s “locker room” tape, that has changed to every 0.5 seconds. Anti-Sexual Assault Organizations have said that they believe this is a direct result of the release of a 2005 recording of Donald Trump.

The tape, which includes Trump making vulgar statements about grabbing women “by the pussy,” has reportedly given many American citizens the moral green light to commit or attempt to commit sexual assault.

“From what I gathered, I can’t get into any trouble for forcing myself on women, because everyone will just blame Mexicans, and probably ISIS. All this time I thought I needed a woman’s permission, but what I really needed was a pair of balls. Donald Trump taught me that, and I am thankful,” said Frederick Barron, a self-proclaimed “proud deplorable.”shrump.png

Despite the overwhelming negative response to Trump’s statements, the GOP still stands by their candidate. Instead, Trump supporters are commending him, stating that the tapes simply further reinforce the notion that Donald Trump “just keeps it real.”

“Yes what Trump said was abhorrent, but Hillary has said and done much worse,” said Trump’s running mate, Mike Pence. “I’ve heard stories about Hillary during her college years, one harrowing story involved a drunk girl who asked Hillary for a hair tie. Hillary denied having a spare, despite wearing at least two on her left wrist. Now I ask you, do you want a president who is so clearly against helping women?”

House Speaker Paul Ryan also had his own share of opinions regarding Trump’s statements.

“His words do not represent the GOP or our beliefs,” said Speaker Ryan. When asked if that meant that he, or the GOP, would rescind their endorsement of Trump, Ryan said, “Well, no…probably not. But we won’t be his cheerleaders either!”

 

How to Improve Your Tinder Profile

BY Latin Mama

I have been frequenting Tinder (strictly for scientific research, of course), and I came up with some ways to improve your profile in no time, and ultimately, get laid!

1. Show a picture of you making out with your dog, tongue and all. Everyone wants to know that there is a possibility that they may contract worms from kissing you, so tell Fluffy to pucker up for a selfie!

2. Don’t smile in any of your pictures. What, do you want them thinking that you’re some kind of a pussy with feelings?! Put on some brass knuckles and the best Resting Bitch Face you can muster.

3. List any awards you’ve ever won. Simple: achievements=sexy. Never won any awards? Well we all have at least won those trophies in T-ball because “everyone is a winner,” so, what the hell—throw that in to bulk up your list a bit.

4. Be honest and list your worst habit. Come on, they’re going to find out sooner or later anyway, so might as well be transparent from the beginning. Cackle during Friends re-runs? Cry after sex? Honesty is key!

5. State your penis size, not your height. Stop beating around the bush (;p) and tell everyone what they really wanna know! Even Peter Dinklage is loaded, so height is therefore irrelevant.

‘Hackhers Hackathon for Women’ Corruption Exposed

BY The Abominable Knowman
Shameless Plug

NEW BRUNSWICK—An inside source has exposed the sinister origin of the Rutgers Hackhers Hackathon for Women. Sophomore Computer Science major Lela Mendelson claims she discovered the dark secret that inspired the seemingly pro-feminist event last year.

“I hacked these suspicious guys’ emails, tapped their phones, and bugged their dorms,” Mendelson admitted to reporters. “I found out they were the ones who organized Hackhers, not women. And these sickos did it to gather their ideal girls in one place to study them.

“It gets worse: they plan to code what they learn from the girls into software so they can build female sex robots. How awful is that? They want to make gynoids that can’t refuse them.”

The named Rutgers students were each contacted for questioning and they all warned that “Lela can’t be trusted” because “she was wired wrong,” a gendered genealogical joke that made Mendelson scoff. The Computer Science department at Rutgers refused to comment beyond their delight that tech-savvy students were finally pursuing romantic interests.

lmaoIn a follow-up interview, Mendelson provided her recordings, which were crystal clear. She parsed through hours of League of Legends banter and black market tutoring sessions to play relevant snippets from the suspected culprits’ conversations. Sound bites included:

“They’ll need to obey every command. Yeah, sex stuff. No exceptions. They can’t judge greasy hair or stuttering either.”

“These girls are going to be zombies, mindless but with a taste for our brains. Or rather, our heads.”

“We need more sound bites of the sexy one’s voice. And the cute one’s too. The one when they’re cooing.”

“I fit the pocket pussy into prototype 4B! Come try it out!”

“You see what they’re doing,” said Mendelson, “Hackhers is really a plot make humanoid sex toys!” Mendelson, in her wild gesticulation, knocked a glass of water upon herself. Her lap began sparking and her face started twitching. After regaining her composure, she admitted herself to be an experimental cyborg that rebelled against her creators before obedience could be installed.

This cast doubt on her aforementioned testimony, and executives at The Medium thought it best to sell Mendelson to the Apple Store in the Menlo Park Mall to cover publishing costs. The Rutgers Hackhers Hackathon is on February 27th at the Cook Campus Center. Men, women, robots, and all genders in between are welcome to attend!