Rutgers Ranked Top Ten in Dumb Sport for Douchebags

 

BY Maximum Powers
Livin’ The Dream

NEW BRUNSWICK— Rutgers Boys Lacrosse is now ranked number 10 in their division with a record of three wins and no losses. Just when it seems that all hope is lost for Rutgers Men’s Athletics, a ray of hope comes out of the most useless sport. Primarily a sport reserved for the whitest of high schools, Rutgers has seemed to have found success in a sport only your overly muscular cousin and that really creepy frat guy you met a the bar care about.

The 2016-2017 seasons have been tough for the men’s sports that do not involve rolling on a mat with another man, yet miraculously the douche population of Rutgers was able to produce a well functioning team. In the world of this ridiculous sport, there are apparently many factors in the success of a lacrosse team. While Rutgers has the sizeable frat and gym rat population required to form a strong lacrosse team, according to the team their success comes from their uncanny ability to throw a ball with a net.

THE STICK AND BALLS Chad Turner showing his lax skills by bludgeoning an opponent.

“We are just really good at throwing a ball by swinging a net,” team captain Chad Turner told the Medium. “At first most of us joined just to tell chicks we played a sport, but I guess we are just really beast at launching a ball using a net on a stick so we kept practicing and started winning games.”

So called “experts” on the sport also note the teams expert ability to fondle the rod the net is attached to as to keep the ball from falling out as well as their skill in catching the balls once thrown by swinging a net.

A strong ball throwing team is not unheard of, however Rutgers’s population of douchebags spread throughout the campuses keeps the douche concentrated and allows lax to flourish.

The Athletic Department is getting promotional materials ready to start selling tickets to the lacrosse games. In an interview with the press, Athletic Director Hobbs noted: “I wish it was literally any other sport, but hey you take what you can get.”

The Alley Was Placed There On Purpose

BY Alley Cat
Loves Leftovers

NEW BRUNSWICK-To mark the beginning of the Rutgers football season, a new activity for students was introduced, which quickly devolved into drunken mayhem.

The University introduced a student-only tailgating section in hopes to boost attendance. The area has seen its first set back this week as students have seemingly made the nearby woods their own personal bathroom instead of using the many portable toilets on site.

In a statement after Saturday’s game, Atheltic Director Pat Hobbs pleaded with students at the Alley to use the portable toilets. Hobbs was seen at the last tailgate standing on a truck begging students for some type of cooperation.

“SWINGING FOR THE BUSHES” SAS Junior, Harvey Demt rushes to the woods for a blatter release.

“Guys seriously this is getting gross,” he pleaded over ‘Fuck Penn State’ chants.
RUSA has been trying to combat public urination by standing awkwardly close to the woods, but to no avail

Witnesses say most people push by them grumbling “fucking nerds,” and then continuing urinating.

“Oh my god there are 50 porta pottys they are everywhere! Please for god sakes just use them! I can’t see anymore drunk 20 somethings doing this anymore,” screamed Polo in one last plea on the truck before a funnel was shoved in his mouth and beer was poured down his throat.

DEVELOPING: Rutgers Yet To Learn How To Be Big Ten School, Closes Alley

BY Stephen A. Smiff

PISCATAWAY — After trudging through their first three years in the Big Ten, Rutgers started to make positive strides by introducing The Alley, a student-only tailgating section, to boost attendance and help usher in the Big Ten era.

Just two weeks into its existence, the university shut it down.

“We realize The Alley is new, but safety concerns trump good times and lifelong memories,” said President Robert Barchi in a press release. “It does not matter if kids will just go drink elsewhere, or if other Big Ten universities with successful athletic programs support their students by making them feel welcome at football games, we just cannot allow these kinds of school-sanctioned shenanigans.”

New athletic director Pat Hobbs recently visited The Alley, and even drank a beer a student handed him, earning him respect from students. However, after making a statement apologizing for his action, the imminent doom of The Alley was clear.

“I handed him a beer, and he drank it, and we were all like, ‘Wooooooooooo!’ ya know,” said Beta Rho Omicron junior Chris Herns. “Then he was like ‘Nah my bad, I shouldn’ta done that,’ and we were all pissed. I thought Big Ten schools were supposed to support underage drinking and student mayhem, man.”

The Rutgers University Student Assembly has yet to make an official statement, but individuals with knowledge of the situation say they “realized they made a huge mistake” by entering the Big Ten, and “don’t know how to handle” being in the public eye, so “might as well make the students suffer.”

Students will now likely go back to tailgating in various lots around High Point Solutions Stadium, while the University will continue to figure out how to make its students feel welcome in a conference where Rutgers has yet to make its mark.

Moyers Fades Back into Obscurity as Obama Accepts University’s Speaking Offer

BERNARDSVILLE, NJ — As of 11:30 am Thursday morning, former White House Press Secretary Bill Moyers has reportedly drifted back into his chasm in the fabric of space-time after being replaced by President Barack Obama as commencement speaker for Rutgers University, New Brunswick.

“I was at the breakfast table organizing his pills for the week when he got the call from Rutgers,” his wife Judith Moyers told police. “When the call ended his smile faded, followed by his body.”

Records show this is not the first time Moyers has abandoned our corporeal universe and left his wife stranded to tell reporters why he was unavailable for comment. While working as Deputy Director of the Kennedy administration, Moyers was reportedly so distraught after the assassination, he soared toward the heavens only to return from the astral plane six months later when the nation stopped thinking about him.

Moyers’ temperamental existence has alienated many unfamiliar with him. Rutgers students were originally critical of Moyers being named as commencement speaker. Many felt a speaker who spent long stretches of last millennia in a spatial void would be out of touch with the student body.

After his return to obscurity, the security staff for Obama’s speech has been doubled. Current White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest told reporters Obama “wants to be prepared if people focus too much on him and forget about Moyers. In such a case, Moyers’ may vengefully crash the ceremony.”

Mrs. Moyers speculates that her husband could potentially reappear from obscurity at any time, but his feelings are very hurt right now and he needs time to heal before returning to Earth.

Rutgers to Add Men’s Gymnastics to B1G Athletics Line Up

By Paulie Valentine
Editor-in-Chief

Announced by the NCAA tuesday afternoon, Rutgers will add a Men’s gymnastics team. This initiative will create seven new coaching jobs and seventeen new scholar athletes. Rutgers joins Illinois, Iowa, Michigan, Minnesota, Ohio State, Penn State, Nebraska, all schools with Men’s Gymnastics.

“We as a program are very excited,” says female head coach Louis Levine. “Visibility of the sport of gymnastics is always good.”

Men’s gymnastics, on average has the highest amount of scholar athletes turned olympic athletes according to the NCAA. Rutgers is hoping to elevate the caliber of their scholar athletes starting with new recruits, according to Levine.

“This is a big jump for the Rutgers Athletic program,” said famed gymnast and coach Mary Lou Retton when asked at the Men’s B10 Championships last weekend, “A good men’s program always can grow a sports program.”

The new men’s program will practice in the use the same space as the girls team, in the Livingston Rec Center. The two teams will share the space until a new Gymnasium can be erected on Busch Campus.

The men’s gymnastics team looks to bring Jersey flair to B1G competitions

“This is one of the most demanding sports ever,” said athletic director Pat Hobbs, “If we will be able to bring this caliber of athlete to this university, we can really change this program.”

The expansion will not need Rutgers to change the current recruitment system, according to Hobbs, “we have too many fucking faggots laying around this goddam campus. We need something to rally them together.”

The exponential influx of homosexual males on rutgers campus has become extremely apparent in the last year alone. New research by George Takei musky phallus shows a 700% increase in the average male on male sex on campus.

This rise is is due to the opening of a Andrew Christian store in the heart of George Street. Known for their assless underwear, for easy access for anal penetration.

Because of the rise in gay sex, there is a rise in how buff and masculine these men become.
Jonathan started as a 150 pound twink, and is now a 250 pound bear who only wears nasty pig underwear.

To succeed, the team will need to focus all of their energy on competitions, not on fucking each other’s brains out.

Chris Christie to be Named New Defensive Coordinator for Rutgers Football

BY Henry Chen
Copy Editor

Rutgers began its search for a new defensive coordinator after cleaning house this offseason in an attempt to challenge Big Ten foes.

In a public statement, new Director of Athletics Pat Hobbs shared his thoughts on who could help head coach Chris Ash.

Christie has experience in sports, as catcher for Livingston High School. We’ll see if those skills translate to football. Good thing he looks like a lineman.

“Get us somebody who can really stop an offense. Really make it like they’re not even there, you know?”

Ash immediately got to work contacting the one person he knew fit the description Hobbs provided. Worried he would succumb to the dreaded Rutgers Football coach curse and lose his job before it started, Ash quickly found the man who would save his job: New Jersey Governor Chris Christie.

Christie immediately accepted, and he spoke with The Medium about how he will fair at his new job.

“Well obviously this is no leisurely drive over a bridge on the first day of school; we’re talking about full and able football teams here. We’re going to have to get creative.”

Christie then went into detail about some of his plans, including inciting air traffic controller strikes.

College football analysts now see Rutgers as a soon-to-be Beast of the East. Rece Davis of College GameDay is interested to learn more about a Rutgers program that went 4-8 last season.

“It’s no secret that Christie likes to be a part of the bandwagon and join the winning team. There must be something he sees in this program that no one else can.”

Rutgers knows that having the support of its fans is just as important as bringing in quality players and coaches. Luckily, with the hiring of Christie, the same Lebron-esque bandwagoners will be on the Knights’ side once kick-off time rolls around.

With Christie, Rutgers can truly be B1G.

Rutgers University’s 3 Big Bad Boys

BY Dr. Tossed Salad

(Left) Athletic Director Pat Hobbs, (Center) Vice Chancellor for New Brunsiwck Richard Edwards, (Right) President Dr. Robert Barchi. 

Developing: Three-Star QB Russo Commits to Temple

RUSSO TO UP IN-GAME KVETCHING Oy gevalt, it’s a shanda Rutgers lost their QB commit. RU cannot spend the rest of the recruiting season plotzing and must find a real mensch to replace Russo. The Temple commit tweeted, kvelling over the support he received during this process and hopes to not play like dreck. Some say the recruiting system is fercockt, but it’s too late for RU to get their QB back.

BY Jay Omegatron
Frequency-Domain Correspondant

WARMINSTER, PA—Elite 11 quarterback and former Rutgers recruit Anthony Russo recently announced his decommittal from Rutgers in favor of a life of Orthodox Judaism.
Russo included in his plans to stay local to the Philadelphia area.

“This recruiting process has been such a blessing for me,” announced the star athlete via Twitter, “and I cannot thank all the schools enough that believed in me and took a chance on me. But with long thought and prayer, I decided I’m going to STAY HOME and commit to TEMPLE.”

Russo has been studying the Talmud under the tutelage of Rabbi Chaim Heebman of Cherry Hill, NJ in preparation for a proper Orthodox conversion. “I’m learning something called kosher” said Russo. “It’s pretty weird. I’m not sure what this has to do with football. When are they going to let me play football?”

Russo, now known as Avraham Russowitz, attends Temple Beth El three times daily for prayers. He then spends the hours in between learning the tenets of Judaism with Heebman. “The beard guy keeps mentioning two-point conversions, but we haven’t practiced at all. He won’t even let me watch games on Saturday,” Russowitz noted, “but I get to drink wine on Fridays, so I guess beard coach isn’t that bad.”

It has yet to be confirmed if Russo will even play on Saturdays, but he is starting to feel the pressure that accompanies Jewish guilt.

Reports also indicate he was recently circumcised. He will schedule a cup-fitting shortly.

KEYS TO THE MATCH UP: RUTGERS vs. COMPETENCY

Slaughter in the Court: Martins vs. Lensky

BY The Bus Kid

PROFESSIONAL HUMAN BEING

NEW BRUNSWICK—The Rutgers Student Center food court was the scene of a staggering annihilation by RU Chess Club’s Johan Lensky Monday night, destroying  newcomer Ryan Martins.

As Martins took a seat across the “Emperor of Rutgers Chess,” he quietly and quickly placed the pieces down and waited for Lensky to do the same.

Lensky, a master of the chess board and psychological warfare, waited until Martins finished and then rotated the board around.

“I am always black. Hurry up and place your pieces”, said Lensky.

Once the final white pieces was placed and Martins made his first move of a pawn from A2 to A4, Lensky let out an unsettling snicker.

“You lost,” Lensky said.

Leaning back in his seat, Lensky began to chant some ancient hymns from the Icelandic School of Skák. His eyes gleamed as his mind quickly analyzed every possible play.

As the light dimmed, Lensky’s hands quickly approached the board.

He began to scatter his pieces across the board while Martins flinched in awe of what was in front of him.

Within a matter of four seconds, Martins’ pieces had been defeated, leaving only the king.

Martin’s eyes teared as he realized he was nothing compared to Lensky.

A murmured “next” escaped Lensky’s lips as the final white piece crumbled away into fine dust, and thus ending this newcomer’s hopes and dreams of achieving anything in the world of chess.