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Rutgers to Add Men’s Gymnastics to B1G Athletics Line Up

By Paulie Valentine
Editor-in-Chief

Announced by the NCAA tuesday afternoon, Rutgers will add a Men’s gymnastics team. This initiative will create seven new coaching jobs and seventeen new scholar athletes. Rutgers joins Illinois, Iowa, Michigan, Minnesota, Ohio State, Penn State, Nebraska, all schools with Men’s Gymnastics.

“We as a program are very excited,” says female head coach Louis Levine. “Visibility of the sport of gymnastics is always good.”

Men’s gymnastics, on average has the highest amount of scholar athletes turned olympic athletes according to the NCAA. Rutgers is hoping to elevate the caliber of their scholar athletes starting with new recruits, according to Levine.

“This is a big jump for the Rutgers Athletic program,” said famed gymnast and coach Mary Lou Retton when asked at the Men’s B10 Championships last weekend, “A good men’s program always can grow a sports program.”

The new men’s program will practice in the use the same space as the girls team, in the Livingston Rec Center. The two teams will share the space until a new Gymnasium can be erected on Busch Campus.

gymnastics
The men’s gymnastics team looks to bring Jersey flair to B1G competitions
“This is one of the most demanding sports ever,” said athletic director Pat Hobbs, “If we will be able to bring this caliber of athlete to this university, we can really change this program.”

The expansion will not need Rutgers to change the current recruitment system, according to Hobbs, “we have too many fucking faggots laying around this goddam campus. We need something to rally them together.”

The exponential influx of homosexual males on rutgers campus has become extremely apparent in the last year alone. New research by George Takei musky phallus shows a 700% increase in the average male on male sex on campus.

This rise is is due to the opening of a Andrew Christian store in the heart of George Street. Known for their assless underwear, for easy access for anal penetration.

Because of the rise in gay sex, there is a rise in how buff and masculine these men become.
Jonathan started as a 150 pound twink, and is now a 250 pound bear who only wears nasty pig underwear.

To succeed, the team will need to focus all of their energy on competitions, not on fucking each other’s brains out.