Tag Archives: Rutgers Athletics

Rutgers Quits While Ahead, Forgoes Big Ten Basketball Tournament

BY Stephen A. Smiff
Least Favorite Child

PISCATAWAY — Rutgers men’s basketball earned its first Big Ten win Saturday, defeating the University of Minnesota 75-52.

Rutgers had gone winless in the conference this season before beating the Golden Gophers on Senior Night at the RAC.

“We want to go out on a win,” said new Rutgers

Athletic Director Patt Hobbs. “We know we’ll get killed in the conference tournament, so why embarrass ourselves?”

Since last season, the Scarlet Knights were on a 32-game conference losing streak. Their last Big Ten win was against the University of Wisconsin, who decided to be nice and sit their best player.

“We’re proud of our performance. This is the way we want to send our seniors out,” said head coach Eddie Jordan. “We know Minnesota sucks balls too, but I don’t give a shit. Hey, I’m gonna get fired anyway. Fuck it.”bball.jpg

When reminded his team lost to Minnesota over two weeks ago, Jordan said he “was piss drunk” and does not “remember shit about this horrible season”.

Hobbs further explained the benefits of foregoing the rest of the season.

“We figured this would kickstart the rebuild. Now we can get Jordan the hell out of here immediately. And it’s nice to show recruits we ended the season on a win.”

Rutgers was scheduled to play Wednesday against the University of Nebraska, a game fans and students will no longer get to see.

“Wait, we have a basketball team?” said SAS freshman Abigail Henson. “And they made the playoffs? I’m confused.”

Sources say players will spend the offseason “relaxing” and “looking for another school to transfer to.”

Flag Football Player Embroiled in Domestic Abuse Case

BY Stephen A. Smiff
Whistle Swallower

NEW BRUNSWICK—Star Rutgers flag football player Darryl Robertson is appealing a suspension after being charged with domestic violence.

The junior is set to defend his championship next semester, but Associate Director of Sports Paul Fischbach handed down a full-semester suspension Monday.

Robertson allegedly choked his girlfriend with his official flag football flag Saturday, February 20. RUPD reportedly came to his apartment and detained Robertson, but no official arrest was made.

“We’re just into some kinky shit, and our neighbors heard my bitch screaming from pleasure,” said Robertson.

Robertson’s girlfriend, Teri Sampson, said nothing when asked to corroborate the story.
Instead she grabbed a nearby pad and wrote, “My trachea is broken, this really hurts. Ow, ow, ow.”

The Rutgers intramural program has a notoriously lax domestic violence policy. The Anderson case of 2013, where intramural volleyball player Tina Anderson cut off her boyfriend’s testicles and spiked them out her third-story window, famously resulted in $20 deduction from her RU Express account.

“We now have the proper legislation in place to handle these events,” said Fischbach, who heads the intramural program. “This case will be dealt with swiftly and justly. And no, we’re not making an example out of him because he is black.”

The suspension also prohibits Robertson from training at Rutgers facilities, including any open, grassy field.

Robertson will, however, have access to Rutgers facilities during the appeal process.
“I’m going to fight this thing,” said Robertson. “I’m going to train my ass off, and win the championship again next year. I want to see the look on Fishy’s face when he hands me the trophy.”

There is a mixed reaction to this situation among the student body.

“He’s a star player, it doesn’t matter. Boys will be boys,” said freshman Doug Mann. “Plus I’ve seen Teri around campus; she was probably asking for it.”

Other students want to see the intramural league make a stand.

“Too many times has such violence gone unpunished,” said Charlotte Ross. “They put this product out on the field for the sole purpose of making money, yet they preach player safety. I want to see more accountability and less hypocrisy.”

The appeal is set to be heard March 21, just after spring break.

Robertson has since joined Students Against Violence And Gory Encounters, and claimed to have found Jesus.

RU Pitchers and Catchers Report to Work-Study Spring Training

BY Brent Muskyburger
Advocacy Advocate

PISCATAWAY— The Rutgers baseball season is underway, and players are beginning their preparations.

February 19 marked the first day for pitchers and catchers to report to their spring semester work-study programs.

Since baseball players do not receive full scholarships, most participate in work-study programs to supplement their school payments and learn a job-skill for the future.

“I make money for this school by playing a sport I know I won’t have a future in,” said left-handed relief pitcher Mark Marcson, “so I turn to work-study for a boost. Now I sit in a computer lab all day and deal with idiot students. You know, life skills.”

Most players have difficulty handling the workload of playing a D-1 sport and working on campus.

“We go on these road trips, and it’s hard to find people to cover for me,” said starting pitcher Darren O’Toole, who works at the Livingston Writing Center. “They said if I call out again, I’ll be fired.”

Pitchers and catchers use this time to develop their chemistry. It is especially important for freshman, who need to prepare for their first year both on the field and at work.

“I came to this country to play baseball,” said Cuban defector and backup catcher Avisail Martinez via a translator. “I want to play as much as possible and be around my teammates, but I have to learn how to bus tables at the dining hall. Good thing cleaning is in my blood.”sports

There are some players, however, who cannot find work-study jobs. The university is limited in the amount they offer, meaning some players are left in the dark.

Most players who do not earn work-study jobs find alternative, less-savory ways of making money.

“I whore myself out,” said catcher Johnny Chair.

Head coach Joe Litterio acknowledges his players’ fiscal issues and busy schedules, but says their main responsibility is to the team and to the university.

“These players need to realize that life is tough. They’re here to play baseball, and work-study helps them do that,” said Litterio. “I’m here to push them toward success. Oh, and I whore out the players without jobs. It’s a perk of the job.”

The rest of the team reports to their spring semester work-study Monday, February 29.

The Scarlet Knights are already 0-3, having been swept by the Miami Hurricanes on the road. Three pitchers could not make the games because they conflicted with their work schedules.

Rutgers to Serve Harder Alcohol During Blowouts

PISCATAWAY — RUSA passed a bill on January 28 that should wetten High Point Solution Stadium not only with the tears of downtrodden fans, but also with the flow of sweet, sweet alcohol.

The student assembly believes the revenue will somewhat offset what is currently the nation’s worst athletics budget deficit, which was last reported at $36 million.

RUSA has been working closely with President Robert Barchi and the Rutgers Athletics Department to set the plan in motion. The Athletic Department was so thrilled with the idea, they decided to augment it.

The type of alcohol served will change based on the deficit Rutgers faces at each contest.

“One of my first goals coming into this job was to boost the fan experience,” said new athletic director Pat Hobbs.

“Let’s be honest, being an RU fan is depressing as fuck,” he added. “That’s why we are going to upgrade the alcohol content of the drinks we serve as the deficits we face on the field become worse and worse.”

The plan is not finalized, but a preliminary blueprint calls for beer at the start of the game, mixed drinks after falling behing by seven, straight shots of vodka or whiskey after a 14 point deficit, and shots of Everclear once down by 20 or more.

“Every time Chris Laviano turns the ball over we’d add a complementary

Chris Ash Buried in Volcanic Ash During Recruiting Trip

BY Stephen A. Smiff
Sporting Sportsman

KILAUEA, HI —New Rutgers Athletic Director Chris Ash reportedly died Saturday after Hawaii’s Kilauea volcano exploded.

Ash was on a lavish, all-expenses paid recruiting trip. His attempt to make a splash in his first recruitment class went awry.

Ash and the recruits were reportedly hiking the volcano when it exploded.

“I mean we all fast, so we’s able to get the fuck outta there faster than that slow-ass white man,” said five-star defensive end J’Darius Allen.

In light of the explosion and Ash’s death, none of the recruits committed to Rutgers, saying the team is terrible.

“Yeah we was never gonna go there,” said four-star running back Darnell Adams. “I mean it sucks he dead, but we just went ‘cuz it was all free.”

After hearing the news, the NCAA has reportedly begun a probe on Rutgers athletics.

An all-expenses paid trip to Hawaii is likely a violation of NCAA rules.

In light of this tragic news, Rutgers will commemorate their former AD’s death with “Ash Wednesday”.

Students and faculty will spend the day with ash on their foreheads as a symbol of not only his name but also the manner of his death. Everyone will then give up something they love in honor of Ash for about a month.

Rutgers has yet to find a replacement, but they are reportedly interested in Julie Hermann, former executive senior associate director of athletics at U. of Louisville.