Rutgers Ranked Top Ten in Dumb Sport for Douchebags


BY Maximum Powers
Livin’ The Dream

NEW BRUNSWICK— Rutgers Boys Lacrosse is now ranked number 10 in their division with a record of three wins and no losses. Just when it seems that all hope is lost for Rutgers Men’s Athletics, a ray of hope comes out of the most useless sport. Primarily a sport reserved for the whitest of high schools, Rutgers has seemed to have found success in a sport only your overly muscular cousin and that really creepy frat guy you met a the bar care about.

The 2016-2017 seasons have been tough for the men’s sports that do not involve rolling on a mat with another man, yet miraculously the douche population of Rutgers was able to produce a well functioning team. In the world of this ridiculous sport, there are apparently many factors in the success of a lacrosse team. While Rutgers has the sizeable frat and gym rat population required to form a strong lacrosse team, according to the team their success comes from their uncanny ability to throw a ball with a net.

THE STICK AND BALLS Chad Turner showing his lax skills by bludgeoning an opponent.

“We are just really good at throwing a ball by swinging a net,” team captain Chad Turner told the Medium. “At first most of us joined just to tell chicks we played a sport, but I guess we are just really beast at launching a ball using a net on a stick so we kept practicing and started winning games.”

So called “experts” on the sport also note the teams expert ability to fondle the rod the net is attached to as to keep the ball from falling out as well as their skill in catching the balls once thrown by swinging a net.

A strong ball throwing team is not unheard of, however Rutgers’s population of douchebags spread throughout the campuses keeps the douche concentrated and allows lax to flourish.

The Athletic Department is getting promotional materials ready to start selling tickets to the lacrosse games. In an interview with the press, Athletic Director Hobbs noted: “I wish it was literally any other sport, but hey you take what you can get.”

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