Tag Archives: olympics

Americans Upset There Won’t be Miracle on Ice Part 2 This Olympics

By Ivan Yakinoff
Sleepless

PYEONGCHANG— As the 2018 Winter Olympics come to a close in their final week, Americans are visibly distraught at the fact that Russia is not at this year’s Olympics. As many already know, the entire Russian team was banned from the Winter Olympics this
year due to a massive state sponsored doping program that would make Jose Canseco jealous. Many of Russia’s biggest Olympic rivals such as sobriety and wild bears rejoiced at this news but Americans took it personally because they still won’t get the sequel to the original Miracle on Ice.

The original, which occurred at the height of the Cold War in 1980, made Americans care about hockey for the first time in their nation’s history. The event gave us both the greatest moment in American sports history as well as a kick ass movie.

Seeing the modern political tension with Putin and Russia, many Americans believed this would be the perfect time for the miracle to happen again.

“Miracle was an amazing movie. I’ve been waiting ages for a sequel, but noooo, Russia just had take athletic advice from Lance Armstrong” said local movie critic Roger Baker.

Although the Russian Olympic team is just disguised as the OAR team, Americans won’t accept that because it wouldn’t give the sequel a genuine feel. With the great new Black Panther movie coming out, this adds an extra layer of sadness for hockey fans because they won’t have a new white accomplishment to trump black people this year.

This disappointment wasn’t just exclusive to America either. Many of Russia’s biggest sponsors, such as Adidas tracksuits and HD car dash cams are reporting record losses due to Russia’s ban.

This year was the 1 in every 4 that makes Americans acknowledge hockey exists. But in typical American fashion, No one knew we lost to the make-up Russian team 4-0 already.

I get Caught off Guard by the Olympics Every Time

By Harsh Singh

I like to think I’m a pretty-up-to date with world and national events, but the Olympics always take me by surprise. I get that they come like every two years, but that’s enough time to totally forget about them and be totally shocked when they come back around. Plus, every time they come, they come back at a different time of year than the last time. I just wish I could get a heads up next time. I like watching hundreds of countries compete on the world stage for fancy necklaces as much as the next guy, but a little prior notice so I can prepare would be great. It always seems like I am the last to know and I miss the opening ceremonies which is the coolest part. Then my friends invite me to parties and I think they’re just plain parties and they turn out to be Olympics themed. Then there’s the office pool which I completely missed out on. And they’re in South Korea! How much more exciting can it get? A country neighboring an absolute dictatorship is a recipe for unlimited international fodder, and look I’m already a week late! But also, how do they plan to play beach volleyball in February?

Rutgers to Add Men’s Gymnastics to B1G Athletics Line Up

By Paulie Valentine
Editor-in-Chief

Announced by the NCAA tuesday afternoon, Rutgers will add a Men’s gymnastics team. This initiative will create seven new coaching jobs and seventeen new scholar athletes. Rutgers joins Illinois, Iowa, Michigan, Minnesota, Ohio State, Penn State, Nebraska, all schools with Men’s Gymnastics.

“We as a program are very excited,” says female head coach Louis Levine. “Visibility of the sport of gymnastics is always good.”

Men’s gymnastics, on average has the highest amount of scholar athletes turned olympic athletes according to the NCAA. Rutgers is hoping to elevate the caliber of their scholar athletes starting with new recruits, according to Levine.

“This is a big jump for the Rutgers Athletic program,” said famed gymnast and coach Mary Lou Retton when asked at the Men’s B10 Championships last weekend, “A good men’s program always can grow a sports program.”

The new men’s program will practice in the use the same space as the girls team, in the Livingston Rec Center. The two teams will share the space until a new Gymnasium can be erected on Busch Campus.

gymnastics
The men’s gymnastics team looks to bring Jersey flair to B1G competitions
“This is one of the most demanding sports ever,” said athletic director Pat Hobbs, “If we will be able to bring this caliber of athlete to this university, we can really change this program.”

The expansion will not need Rutgers to change the current recruitment system, according to Hobbs, “we have too many fucking faggots laying around this goddam campus. We need something to rally them together.”

The exponential influx of homosexual males on rutgers campus has become extremely apparent in the last year alone. New research by George Takei musky phallus shows a 700% increase in the average male on male sex on campus.

This rise is is due to the opening of a Andrew Christian store in the heart of George Street. Known for their assless underwear, for easy access for anal penetration.

Because of the rise in gay sex, there is a rise in how buff and masculine these men become.
Jonathan started as a 150 pound twink, and is now a 250 pound bear who only wears nasty pig underwear.

To succeed, the team will need to focus all of their energy on competitions, not on fucking each other’s brains out.