Tag Archives: alcohol

Here’s An Opinion: I’m Drunk

BY Devindevin.png

No no no no no, I got this. You guys don’t know what you’re talking about. No no no no, I’m fine. Really I’m fine, just let me talk. I study this stuff in school. Yeah I got to class, shut the fuck up, Rachel. The media covers this all wrong. It’s all just one big cover up. Yeah I actually believe that. Damn it Rachel just let me fucking talk–wait yo Adam are you going into the kitchen? Can you get me another beer? Hey, no, I was talking. I know I’m drunk but I still know what I’m talking about. As I was saying: this has been a problem throughout history. I mean look at the Civil War. Things don’t change, just you don’t hear people talking about it all the time, that’s why you don’t think it’s a problem, Rachel. Hey. I said I’m fine. It’s just one more beer. Fucking Rachel, am I right? You just don’t get it Rachel. You think all of the world’s problems will go away by just batting your eyes. Well that’s not how it works, Rachel. The media, Rachel. Read between the lines, Rachel. Things are not what they seem to be, just read a textbook. I just learned about all of this. Am I not making sense to you? This is cut and dry. I am drunk. I am not wrong, but yes I am drunk. Hey, no, don’t discriminate. You’re discriminating. That’s discriminating. I’m allowed to drink this beer. It’s all your fault, Rachel. Look at what’s happening here, Rachel. Look at what you’re making me do, Rachel. It’s all a big cover up. I’m out!

Drunk Girl Seduces Statue

BY Traitorous Gumball
A Scumbag

NEW BRUNSWICK—Chaos erupted last weekend as Rutgers Junior Taylor Brown decided that Walking Man, better known as the statue outside the Zimmerli Art Museum, struck her fancy.

Within seconds of laying eyes on the statue, Brown shambled to him and proceeded to kiss him.

“I’ve never seen her like this, usually she can control herself.” Said Max VanName, a friend of Brown’s who witnessed the hookup.

As Brown continued, students gathered to witness the event that some are describing as the epitome of the drunken, hormone fueled shenanigans that the university is famous for.

Others cite the Public Safety Building orgy of 2011.

The hookup lasted approximately five minutes before Brown realized that she was doing all the work

ROCK HARD! Brown takes a break from dry humping to down another beer.

“I realized that I somehow never felt his tongue, let alone his hands. It just felt weird to not be felt up in any way during a make out session. So I left in search of someone more experienced.” Brown explained.

Jessica Greenberg, A Rutgers Women’s Studies major who witnessed the event, plans to charge Walking Man with rape charges.

Other witnesses are impressed with his stamina, and hope to eventually seduce the statue themselves.

“Look at that guy! His jawline is so well defined. And he’s got buns of steel!” Said Rutgers Freshman Katrina Schneeberg. “I just hope he’s into Jewish girls.”

One thing we know for certain is that Walking Man will have to be cleaned before the incident happens again.

Freshman Tries to Take LX Late Halloween Night

BY Grind All
Doing White People Things

NEW BRUNSWICK-Freshman Nick Corey has reportedly told friends his Halloween plans include taking a bus from the quads on Livingston to College Ave around 11 p.m. Sources close to Corey say that the freshman is confident he will be able to easily get to the College Ave campus in about 10 minutes, a sad understatement.

When asked why he believes he’ll be able to do this Corey responded “why wouldn’t I?” a statement which completely confirms his total disillusionment.

“I know getting on a LX sucks during the day but this is at night so it’s gotta be different,” said Corey. “Also Rutgers is awesome about always having a bus available so I’m sure they will put out more buses on Halloween,” a statement which also shows his complete disillusionment of how Rutgers actually works.bushalloween.png

Those close to him have tried to tell him the reality of the situation but apparently it has fallen on deaf ears.

“I keep trying to tell him! He’s just won’t listen,” said roommate Ryan Kennedy. “Poor guy actually thinks he’ll be able to get on a bus! He has no idea what he’s in for.”

Kennedy has also confirmed that Corey will be dressed as “one night stand” quite literally. Corey plans on wearing a cardboard box complete with a lamp shade balancing on top of his head.

“I know it’s a rather large costume,” said Corey. “But I’m sure there will be space on the bus to fit it all.”

DEVELOPING: Rutgers Yet To Learn How To Be Big Ten School, Closes Alley

BY Stephen A. Smiff

PISCATAWAY — After trudging through their first three years in the Big Ten, Rutgers started to make positive strides by introducing The Alley, a student-only tailgating section, to boost attendance and help usher in the Big Ten era.

Just two weeks into its existence, the university shut it down.

“We realize The Alley is new, but safety concerns trump good times and lifelong memories,” said President Robert Barchi in a press release. “It does not matter if kids will just go drink elsewhere, or if other Big Ten universities with successful athletic programs support their students by making them feel welcome at football games, we just cannot allow these kinds of school-sanctioned shenanigans.”thealley

New athletic director Pat Hobbs recently visited The Alley, and even drank a beer a student handed him, earning him respect from students. However, after making a statement apologizing for his action, the imminent doom of The Alley was clear.

“I handed him a beer, and he drank it, and we were all like, ‘Wooooooooooo!’ ya know,” said Beta Rho Omicron junior Chris Herns. “Then he was like ‘Nah my bad, I shouldn’ta done that,’ and we were all pissed. I thought Big Ten schools were supposed to support underage drinking and student mayhem, man.”

The Rutgers University Student Assembly has yet to make an official statement, but individuals with knowledge of the situation say they “realized they made a huge mistake” by entering the Big Ten, and “don’t know how to handle” being in the public eye, so “might as well make the students suffer.”

Students will now likely go back to tailgating in various lots around High Point Solutions Stadium, while the University will continue to figure out how to make its students feel welcome in a conference where Rutgers has yet to make its mark.