Tag Archives: alcohol

Admissions Skyrocket as NCAA Recognizes Beer Pong as a Sport

BY Ivan Yakinov

PISCATAWAY—Adding to the ever growing list of unprofitable sports in college that get subsidized by the football program, beer pong will now be an official sport at over 1,200 colleges and universities across the country. The decision was made last week and was officially announced today by the NCAA President Mark Emmett.

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“MORE AMERICAN THAN SYSTEMATIC RACISM” Finding a way to make something as recreational as drinking competitive is a cornerstone in the American persona.

Speaking from NCAA headquarters in Indianapolis, Emmett said, “The extreme effort students go through to make the winning pong shot when they are on the verge of passing out can be compared to the game winning shot Michael Jordan made over Bryon Russell while having the flu in the 1997 NBA Finals. Beer pong players are great athletes and truly are freaks of nature and we feel it’s the right time to exploit that for money.”

In light of this news, a large surge in college applications have baffled university administrators everywhere.

At Rutgers, the admissions website has crashed due to high web traffic, and not another DDOS attack.

The Dean of Admissions at Rutgers and the head of the IT Department, too ashamed to deal with this again, had no comment as they both plan on taking a leave of absence until this whole thing blows over.

Many of the hundreds of thousands of new college applicants have also applied for the full ride beer pong scholarship that will now be offered at all eligible schools.

The competition for these scholarships will be fierce. In order to be eligible for one, a student must have at least three years of drinking prior to college, ability to chug five Natural Lights in a row, and must be able to get through at least six full games of beer pong without blacking out.

North Korea Threatens to Declare War if it Doesn’t Make Ratio

BY Caillou
Loves Children

DEMOCRATIC PEOPLE’S REPUBLIC OF KOREA — Last night at 10:43 pm EST, North Korea’s foreign minister threatened to declare war on the United States if it doesn’t make ratio at Theta Chai’s party Friday night.

According to the statement, Ri Yong-ho said, “It is Marshal Kim Jong Un’s right to rip sick bong hits and shotgun Millers at Theta Chai’s party. If Rutgers University and President Trump are unable to comply with our supreme leader’s demands, our nation will be forced to declare war on the United States of America.”

The White House still has yet to respond to the statement, but Rutgers University president Robert Barchi ranted on Twitter early this morning at 5:23 am EST. In his tweets that he wrote nearly 30 minutes into Fox News’ “Fox and Friends,” Barchi let loose a string of 8 tweets, including, “Pathetic Rocket Man can’t even make ratio. Just throw fives!!” and “Srat chicks don’t like short losers. And yuo [sic] know what they say about short men..” In his most provocative tweet yet, Barchi urged an attack on Rutgers, threatening, “Kim Jong Dumb doesn’t have the firepower to hit rutgers, try it!! We need a new football team anyway”.

Rutgers students are less than thrilled with both the statements from Ri Yong-ho and Robert Barchi. Tiffany Sankhar, a third-year communications major, said, “I think this whole thing is a mess! If Kim really wanted to get in, he should have just rushed earlier in the year. And Barchi is just an embarrassment. Just the other day, he insulted Rutgers football players for protesting police brutality by kneeling during the entirety of the third quarter. He’s a disgrace.”

Grad student Ben Jordan had another solution. “Wait, doesn’t Kim Jon Un own people? Why is this such a problem for him?”

Campus Bars to Open Earlier for Depressed and Disillusioned Students

BY Mike Hawk
Pelvis Safety Officer

NEW BRUNSWICK— Now that the school year is officially in full swing, many students are already beginning to develop the dreaded seasonal depression that tends to crop up this time of year. Many students start to feel the work and the extra curriculars start to pile down on them and as more students take their first exams, they’ll soon realize how stupid they are and begin to feel inadequate compared to that one student in their class nicknamed “the curve destroyer.”

To combat this, the administration at our great school worked out a deal with many of the local bar and club owners here in New Brunswick. They plan to gradually increase the times they open earlier and earlier and can expect to open at 8am beginning right before midterms. This falls in-line with the centuries old attitude that Rutgers students can’t wake up for an 8am class but we’ll gladly get up at 7am to start chugging beers before we lose to whatever no-name football school we’re playing against that morning.

Many of the bars down here in New Brunswick are ecstatic to open earlier as this is sure to drive in more business for them. Some of these bars include Knight Club, Scarlet Pub and the newly established fight club some of you may know as Olde Queens. Our team headed over to ask some students what they thought about the upcoming change.

“I’m so fucking excited! My parents always told me I had a problem but clearly I’m not the only one so it can’t be true! Plus, you know what they say, it’s not alcoholism until after college or in this case, depression.” Said Chad from Kappa Kappa Kappa.

We also asked Suzy Crabgrass, a senior in the School of Arts & Sciences and she had this to say. “I’ve been really depressed ever since my grandmother died. On top of that I just got accepted into med school and I absolutely hate science. I’m just doing this so my parents would love me. If it was up to me I’d move to California and start my own tech company. My guidance counselor keeps recommending me to go to CAPS but I say fuck her. All I need is a good old fashioned L.I.T.”

It’s clear that mostly everyone is on board with this change. Soon the student body here at Rutgers will be feeling lively once again.

Here’s An Opinion: I’m Drunk

BY Devindevin.png

No no no no no, I got this. You guys don’t know what you’re talking about. No no no no, I’m fine. Really I’m fine, just let me talk. I study this stuff in school. Yeah I got to class, shut the fuck up, Rachel. The media covers this all wrong. It’s all just one big cover up. Yeah I actually believe that. Damn it Rachel just let me fucking talk–wait yo Adam are you going into the kitchen? Can you get me another beer? Hey, no, I was talking. I know I’m drunk but I still know what I’m talking about. As I was saying: this has been a problem throughout history. I mean look at the Civil War. Things don’t change, just you don’t hear people talking about it all the time, that’s why you don’t think it’s a problem, Rachel. Hey. I said I’m fine. It’s just one more beer. Fucking Rachel, am I right? You just don’t get it Rachel. You think all of the world’s problems will go away by just batting your eyes. Well that’s not how it works, Rachel. The media, Rachel. Read between the lines, Rachel. Things are not what they seem to be, just read a textbook. I just learned about all of this. Am I not making sense to you? This is cut and dry. I am drunk. I am not wrong, but yes I am drunk. Hey, no, don’t discriminate. You’re discriminating. That’s discriminating. I’m allowed to drink this beer. It’s all your fault, Rachel. Look at what’s happening here, Rachel. Look at what you’re making me do, Rachel. It’s all a big cover up. I’m out!