Tag Archives: Big Ten

Coach Ash Warns Fans Not to Get too Excited Following Win

BY Throb Lowe
Store in a Cool, Dry Area

NEW BRUNSWICK—Calling it a dream come true, Rutgers football fans are ecstatic after coming out on the winning side of a 65-0 blowout against Morgan State, but coach Chris Ash is warning fans not to get their hopes up.

The Scarlet Knights put their balls right on the table this past Saturday, recording 322 rushing yards and 152 passing yards. The student section was full for the first time in 13 games.

Sophomore Jimmy Grant said “It was the first time I had ever been shoulder to shoulder with people in there. And practically no one left at halftime. Hopefully we can ride this energy.” But Head Coach Chris Ash warns against just that. “Look, I’m glad everyone’s happy, but I really wouldn’t look too much into it. Morgan State? Who’s even heard of Morgan State?” Reminding fans that the victory had snapped an 11 game losing streak for the knights.

“I really hope people come to the games, but I don’t want them to expect anything special. All I can say is we’ll try not to get spanked out there anymore.”

Senior student Vivian Jean replied to Ash’s statement, saying “[Ash] Just needs to have faith. I think that this one huge victory is setting a tone for the season. And maybe we’ll even get payback on all those teams while we march to the Rose Bowl! Chop!”

Rutgers is set to travel to Nebraska this coming weekend to get their cobs husked in their second Big 10 match up of the season.

Red-shirt senior Jadaveous Smith said “Those Morgan State dudes were soft, but I’m a little worried about playing Nebraska. I bet all those guys do are practice, what else is there to do out there? Honestly, I just hope its not on TV, just in case.”

If you want to tune into the game, Rutgers Athletics will be broadcasting the game at The Yard, so students can ride the emotional rollercoaster together.

Rutgers Ranked Top Ten in Dumb Sport for Douchebags


BY Maximum Powers
Livin’ The Dream

NEW BRUNSWICK— Rutgers Boys Lacrosse is now ranked number 10 in their division with a record of three wins and no losses. Just when it seems that all hope is lost for Rutgers Men’s Athletics, a ray of hope comes out of the most useless sport. Primarily a sport reserved for the whitest of high schools, Rutgers has seemed to have found success in a sport only your overly muscular cousin and that really creepy frat guy you met a the bar care about.

The 2016-2017 seasons have been tough for the men’s sports that do not involve rolling on a mat with another man, yet miraculously the douche population of Rutgers was able to produce a well functioning team. In the world of this ridiculous sport, there are apparently many factors in the success of a lacrosse team. While Rutgers has the sizeable frat and gym rat population required to form a strong lacrosse team, according to the team their success comes from their uncanny ability to throw a ball with a net.

THE STICK AND BALLS Chad Turner showing his lax skills by bludgeoning an opponent.

“We are just really good at throwing a ball by swinging a net,” team captain Chad Turner told the Medium. “At first most of us joined just to tell chicks we played a sport, but I guess we are just really beast at launching a ball using a net on a stick so we kept practicing and started winning games.”

So called “experts” on the sport also note the teams expert ability to fondle the rod the net is attached to as to keep the ball from falling out as well as their skill in catching the balls once thrown by swinging a net.

A strong ball throwing team is not unheard of, however Rutgers’s population of douchebags spread throughout the campuses keeps the douche concentrated and allows lax to flourish.

The Athletic Department is getting promotional materials ready to start selling tickets to the lacrosse games. In an interview with the press, Athletic Director Hobbs noted: “I wish it was literally any other sport, but hey you take what you can get.”

Rutgers Basketball Sorry for Providing False Hope

BY Stephen A. Smiff
Missing Skip Bayless

PISCATAWAY—The Rutgers men’s basketball team is off to a surprising 6-0 start, something new head coach Steve Pikiell is beginning to regret.

“I thought it would be good to win all these games against bad teams,” said a somber Pikiell at a recent practice. “But then I saw our upcoming schedule and remembered we play in the Big Ten. Then I looked around and realized people are putting faith in us, thinking we can make up for our football team’s disgraceful performance. I’m so sorry for what’s about to happen.” rubasketball.png

Rutgers has yet to play a quality opponent. The team’s last win was a 77-75 victory over Hartford at home. Next, Rutgers goes down to Florida to play Miami. Eventually, the team will have to play Wisconsin, Indiana, Maryland and Purdue, all ranked teams. Things can only get worse.

“I mean we want to win, but we don’t want our fans to go through the agony of realizing we’re actually not that good,” said second-year guard Corey Sanders. “Nobody on the team wants to let anyone down, but now that’s unavoidable. Sorry everyone.”

Over the last two seasons, Rutgers went 22-43 under head coach Eddie Jordan, who led the team to an embarrassing 2-16 in-conference record last year. However, with the Rutgers football team having just finished a 2-10 season, most are turning to basketball for solace, even though Rutgers sports high-achieving wrestling and girl’s soccer teams.

Players, coaches, trainers and everyone else associated with the team are continuing to downplay their solid start and are stressing patience upon their fans, but it is already too late.

Rutgers Quarterback Transfers to a School That Doesn’t Suck

BY Mike Hawk
Sucks At Everything

NEW BRUNSWICK— In the likes of LeBron James and Kevin Durant, Rutgers quarterback Hayden Rettig has decided to “take his talents” out of Piscataway.

This transfer news is coming at a time where a lot of players seem to be abandoning their homes in their respective sport. Earlier this year, basketball player Kevin Durant moved from his 9 year team at Oklahoma City to what is considered the strongest team in the NBA, the Golden State Warriors.rettig.png

It is hard to imagine what top notch school would want to pick up Rettig at this moment since his performance here at Rutgers University hasn’t exactly been ‘stellar’ but nonetheless, Rettig assures that his decision wasn’t based off the fact that he couldn’t win.

We asked Rettig about his decision to leave our great community and he had this to say.

“You know some people are saying that I am transferring because Rutgers can’t win a game but I want to set the record straight. The real reason I’m leaving Rutgers is because of how horrible the dining halls are on the weekend. They literally only serve breakfast on the weekends from the time they open till like 4pm! Most times I just stay in bed till 2pm and have my first meal of the day then. The dining hall is enabling my lazy lifestyle and something needs to be done about it. I can’t continue to live this destructive lifestyle.”

Rettig plans on transferring to The College of New Jersey, a less-worse Division III school with a pretty classy dining hall.

Now Rutgers has no one.

Rutgers Saves Millions Not Shooting off the Cannon This Year

BY Mike Hawk
Pun Enthusiast

PISCATAWAY—This past week was the quarterly financial meeting for Rutgers where officials discuss and disclose information about this year’s budget. For the most part the meeting went as planned. As usual Rutgers makes a fuck ton of money handing out parking tickets to innocent students who are just trying to make it to class on time or by forcing students to buy a $250 parking pass so they can park on campus. Then make them park on a different campus that they live on and then ticket them anyway if they try to park anywhere else. However, there was a surprising piece of information that came out of the quarterly fiscal meeting. Right now Rutgers is saving about $5 million from its budget because of the lack of gunpowder being purchased for home football games.


The Hunt has turned into something more the likes of a wild goose chase. The wild goose being a touchdown and our Scarlet Knights being blissfully unaware what a goose is. In the past three weeks Rutgers was outscored 153 – 0 which means a lot of gunpowder used to fire off the cannon went unused. We have accumulated so much that Rutgers refused to buy anymore gunpowder being that it is bought in bulk. Based off of our performance the past few weeks it is safe to say that we have enough gunpowder to get us through the next 3 years.

The question now becomes what to use all of the extra money originally allocated to cannon use on. Rutgers has released a list of 5 possible choices and we have them listed here for you ‘partially lower tuition for all students’, ‘free food at football games’, ‘better wi-fi’, ‘free back-packs’ and ‘a better football team’.

Our team did some polling around the streets of New Brunswick to find out what the students wanted most on the list. Johnny Sunday had this to say, “I – I think we could all use a better football team. Partly because of the whole school pride thing but mostly because all of our home games are always at noon because we suck so we don’t get the prime times. Then I have to wake up early to get drunk and I’m not sure how much longer my liver can take it”. About 90% of the students we polled think that the extra money should go towards obtaining a better football team. We can only hope Rutgers hears our plea and puts some extra effort into having a football team that lives up to the standards set by the Big Ten.

Rutgers Football Obituary

BY Grind All

The Rutgers football team, the Scarlet Knights, passed away on Saturday, October 8, 2016 at the High Point Solutions Stadiums in Piscataway. After seasons of suffering, the team was quietly laid to rest after the 0-78 defeat on Saturday. They are survived by the dance team, the marching band, and both cheer squads.

Rutgers football was born on November 6, 1869. They graduated from the Big East Conference and American Athletic Conference in 2013 and continued their life within the Big 10.

Sadly, within months of being inducted into the Big 10, Rutgers was diagnosed with “totally-not-prepared-for-this-oh-shit” disease. The team put up a fight, even seeming promising at one point. But as the 2016 season began, it became clear there was no cure for the illness.

Rutgers football died surrounded by friends and family aggressively chanting their favorite statement, “Fuck Penn State.” Funeral services will be held Wednesday October 12, 2016 at 7:45 p.m. in the RSC room 411B.

Letters of condolences and flower arrangements can be sent to Chris Ash, your hopes and dreams, and your blackout plans.

The Alley Was Placed There On Purpose

BY Alley Cat
Loves Leftovers

NEW BRUNSWICK-To mark the beginning of the Rutgers football season, a new activity for students was introduced, which quickly devolved into drunken mayhem.

The University introduced a student-only tailgating section in hopes to boost attendance. The area has seen its first set back this week as students have seemingly made the nearby woods their own personal bathroom instead of using the many portable toilets on site.

In a statement after Saturday’s game, Atheltic Director Pat Hobbs pleaded with students at the Alley to use the portable toilets. Hobbs was seen at the last tailgate standing on a truck begging students for some type of cooperation.

“SWINGING FOR THE BUSHES” SAS Junior, Harvey Demt rushes to the woods for a blatter release.

“Guys seriously this is getting gross,” he pleaded over ‘Fuck Penn State’ chants.
RUSA has been trying to combat public urination by standing awkwardly close to the woods, but to no avail

Witnesses say most people push by them grumbling “fucking nerds,” and then continuing urinating.

“Oh my god there are 50 porta pottys they are everywhere! Please for god sakes just use them! I can’t see anymore drunk 20 somethings doing this anymore,” screamed Polo in one last plea on the truck before a funnel was shoved in his mouth and beer was poured down his throat.