Tag Archives: Rutgers Football

Yankees Cancel Rutgers Game to Preserve Reputation

PISCATAWAY — After a solid postseason run, the New York Yankees have decided to cut the Rutgers vs. Maryland game from its schedule of events to improve their image.
The Scarlet Knights were set to face Maryland at Yankees stadium on Saturday, November 4th, but both teams have had their invite rescinded in order to preserve the Yankees’ image.

In a press release the Yankees stated, “We regret to inform the public that the Rutgers vs. Maryland Football game will be canceled. We want to take the energy from this postseason and run with it. Allowing Rutgers to play at the stadium, against Maryland of all teams, would tarnish the groundwork we’ve set this season.”

The Rutgers Football program is shocked that the Yankees have decided to cut ties this way. After winning two consecutive conference games and not getting blown out by Michigan, fans were ecstatic to see their teams play at Yankee Stadium.

“We understand why they wouldn’t want to associate with Maryland. Nobody wants that, but we’re practically their backyard,” said University President Robert Barchi. “Our business program has been loading Wall Street with douchebags for years. They can’t even throw us a bone?”

Not everybody is torn up about the decision though. Freshman lineman Norman Suggs was quoted saying, “Thank god we don’t have to go all the way to the city to lose. I get car sick.”

When questioned about their decision, the Yankees responded with vague answers and beat around the bush when it came to logistics. However, one message was clear:

They were glad to have canceled this event.

“Yeah, we’re trying to be associated with winning over here,” said a Yankees representative who preferred to remain nameless.

Tune in to a sketchy stream from a Russian website to watch the Scarlet Knights and the Terps face off, because there’s no way this makes it to TV.

Rutgers On Pace to Win Big 10 “Most Improved” Award This Season

PISCATAWAY — The Rutgers Scarlet Knights are on a world-shocking two game win streak, and they’re officially eligible for a special honor.

Each year the Big 10 honors the most improved team in the conference, and this year it’s the Scarlet Knights. The week before last, Rutgers secured their first conference win in nearly two years against the Fighting Illini, who went home hanging their heads in shame.

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AN AWARD SUITED FOR A CAMPUS SO LIBERAL The Scarlet Knights take this year’s Big 10 Most Improved Award

Big 10 commissioner Jim Delany stated in a press conference, “Not only did the Scarlet Knights manage to not get blown out buy double- digits, they actually won a fucking game. The board is so astounded we’re officially nominating Rutgers University for the award for most improved organization.”

A week after Rutgers topped the Purdue Boilermakers at High Point Solutions Stadium by a whopping two points, after nearly blowing the lead after allowing a late game touchdown and a near two-point conversion.

Quarterback Kyle Bolin was overheard telling teammates to “…simmer the fuck down out there. We’re not trying to win a bowl game or anything, so let’s not get expectations up. Let’s feed off this energy and shoot for most improved. Worst case, we still get our participation awards.”

The energy won’t stop here though. Rutgers will face off against the Michigan Wolverines on Saturday, and things are looking not so terrible for the Scarlet Knights.

So long as Rutgers scores at least a field goal, and limits Michigan’s points to 35, they’re almost a lock for most improved this year.

Coach Jim Harbaugh even extended a congratulations to Chris Ash and the entire Rutgers Football organization. “I’m genuinely proud of you guys,” he said, “It’s nice to see a team we absolutely pummel do a little better the next season. I’m just glad I could help make a difference.”

Tune in to the Big Ten Network this weekend to watch the Scarlet Knights try their best.

Coach Ash Warns Fans Not to Get too Excited Following Win

BY Throb Lowe
Store in a Cool, Dry Area

NEW BRUNSWICK—Calling it a dream come true, Rutgers football fans are ecstatic after coming out on the winning side of a 65-0 blowout against Morgan State, but coach Chris Ash is warning fans not to get their hopes up.

The Scarlet Knights put their balls right on the table this past Saturday, recording 322 rushing yards and 152 passing yards. The student section was full for the first time in 13 games.

Sophomore Jimmy Grant said “It was the first time I had ever been shoulder to shoulder with people in there. And practically no one left at halftime. Hopefully we can ride this energy.” But Head Coach Chris Ash warns against just that. “Look, I’m glad everyone’s happy, but I really wouldn’t look too much into it. Morgan State? Who’s even heard of Morgan State?” Reminding fans that the victory had snapped an 11 game losing streak for the knights.

“I really hope people come to the games, but I don’t want them to expect anything special. All I can say is we’ll try not to get spanked out there anymore.”

Senior student Vivian Jean replied to Ash’s statement, saying “[Ash] Just needs to have faith. I think that this one huge victory is setting a tone for the season. And maybe we’ll even get payback on all those teams while we march to the Rose Bowl! Chop!”

Rutgers is set to travel to Nebraska this coming weekend to get their cobs husked in their second Big 10 match up of the season.

Red-shirt senior Jadaveous Smith said “Those Morgan State dudes were soft, but I’m a little worried about playing Nebraska. I bet all those guys do are practice, what else is there to do out there? Honestly, I just hope its not on TV, just in case.”

If you want to tune into the game, Rutgers Athletics will be broadcasting the game at The Yard, so students can ride the emotional rollercoaster together.

FOOTBALL PRACTICE FIELD CONFISCATED UNTIL TEAM BEHAVES itself

BY Maximum Powers
Slowly Losing it

NEW BRUNSWICK — Spring training has gotten off to a rocky start at Rutgers. After a disagreement involving players and coaches got out of hand, management decided to take away the football practice field until the two sides can play nice with each other.

The argument was said to have begun when a player accidently ran into a coach during practice, causing the forty-year-old father to get a sizable bruise on his hip and run crying to management that the incident occurred on purpose. This accusation sparked a heated debate on the event with hurtful slurs like “poopy head” and “butt muncher” were thrown at one another. Seeing the volatile nature of the discord, management at Rutgers told both players and coaches to go their respective rooms and calm down, after seeing little change in the situation after a juice and snack break the heads of the football committee decided to take drastic measures and remove the practice field from Rutgers grounds.

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PAVED PARADISE Workers finish moving the last of the grass to a higher location.

Coach Jim “Jimmy” Cooter told The Medium, “This is such crap! That field is more our field than theirs, we’ve had it for longer. God I wish the school never had these kids join the team.”

The field has been removed from the campus and has been placed up in a higher elevation until the athletic department deems the coaches and players have made up and can be friends again. When asked about the loss of the field many players replied through tears that “It’s not fair. They totally started it by blabbing. We said we were sorry so many times, but they won’t believe us.”

While not making an official comment on the matter, Athletic Director Patrick Hobbs remarked “Jesus Christ, again?” He then took off his jacket, grabbed a six pack, and sat to watch TV while ignoring the screams and cries of the players and coaches.

Hobbs hires staff to boost athlete performance

BY Kevin McClintock
Sports Editor

Following the close to the Men’s Basketball season, Athletic Director Patrick Hobbs announced to Rutgers fans that he will begin getting professionals to work more intimately with the major Rutgers sports in an effort to help build better teams in the upcoming fall seasons.

The atmosphere surrounding Rutgers athletics has been dower since the move to the Big Ten. Despite the success of both Men’s Wrestling and Lacrosse, student and fan turnout has been uncommonly low in the schools big earners Football and Basketball. Under a myriad of scandals and team restructuring, poor performance has resulted in a student body who are wholly negative towards the two largest college sports.

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Athletic Director Patrick Hobbs announcing his innovative new strategy to help give BIG TEN Rutgers a big boost

Hobbs told reporters that he has taken note of the current stigma of these sports teams and their impact on ticket sales. “It’s not been an easy few years” Hobbs remarked, “With the physical abuse of basketball players by a coach and the arrest of seven football players for burglary, moral among the students has soured. The players notice it the most.”

As part of a new initiative set by Athletic Director Hobbs, he will begin hiring more specialized staff to begin taking more of a personal roles in the operations of the teams. These experts hired out of New York City will help boost performance by working directly with the players to help them perform better as college athletes and as students.

Working both one-on-one and in groups, Hobbs hopes these new staff members will be the foundation of building more productive sports programs by fostering better student athletes.

Many coaches have expressed doubts about Hobbs’s new method as it could conflict with the programs already set in. Football coach Samuel Wettburg recalls the first day under the new program, “So Hobbs just walks into the locker room with ten prostitutes and tells the players to go nuts. No pep-talk, no game plan, just lets them fuck hookers.”

Hobbs defends his new program saying that it provides athletes with a much need confidence boost and promotes physical fitness telling the press that “Look, with how their seasons have gone many of these guys haven’t touched a woman in months. I’m trying to have our guys get as much action as those from other colleges. Have you see that porno with that lineman from Michigan?”

When it comes the working girls that have joined the program have expressed gratitude towards the opportunity. Long time prostitute Sapphire calls the program a “Really good deal, most of the time we get old bankers and US senators. It’s nice to be with kids to put some effort in and finish quickly.”

New Brunswick PD has made no attempts to remove the prostitution ring for most of the department “feels for the kids” and have decided to let it slide.

Graduate Transfer Really Stoked to Play for Rutgers, Third Choice

BY Maximum Powers
Dropped as a Child

NEW BRUNSWICK— Earlier this week, Miami running back Gus Edwards announced he will be transferring to Rutgers for his final college season in 2017. Edwards, who was rated as the number one fullback back in 2013, will now join the likes of that guy who goes to your dance class once a month and the guy who was handed a free C in his biology class.

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MOVING TO REDDER PASTURES Gus Edwards reflecting on his ill-advised choice to play for Rutgers

“Yup, it’s real great that I get to play for Rutgers instead of literally any other school,” Edwards told the Medium. “I just cannot wait to join the excellence that is Rutgers’ football. I do not feel like my talent will be wasted at all.”

While Edwards did choose to play at Rutgers, it was not his first choice in school. The running back was denied entry into Syracuse and Pittsburgh after Miami forbade him from going to play at schools that actually had a chance of beating Miami.

Of the six schools on this list, Edwards had picked Rutgers due to his proximity to his home of Staten Island.

“I’m trying to look at the bright side. Sure I did not get to go to my top two schools, but at least here I can just go home on the weekends,” noted Edwards.

“It’s not like I never wanted to go to this school. I remember back when Rutgers recruited me after high school, but all it did then was only make me want to go literally anywhere else. God, how did it come to this?”

Rutgers Alumni on Their Takeover of Superbowl LI

BY Maximum Powers
Hates Carrots

PISCATAWAY— The Super Bowl teams have been decided and it appears that it will be the New England Nationalists against the Atlanta Really Really Fast Birdies. While this outcome surprised absolutely no one, what did surprise sports fans was that Rutgers held the symbolic award for most athletes participating in the championship game. Between New England and Atlanta a staggering number of 5 players got their start as Scarlet Knights, twenty percent more than the next three colleges behind them.

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The Big…Something I can’t read Roman Numerals The five Rutgers Alumni who are showing that we don’t all suck

Despite naysayers claiming that this is the result of pure coincidence and is in no way reflective of Rutgers Football’s quality as a program, the university has wasted no time and made announcements praising the football program for it’s great recruiting and training of top class football players. Rutgers Football Coach Pat Hobbs told The Medium, “Of course Rutgers alumni would be all over Super Bowl LI. I remember turning on the TV, seeing these kids play back when they were freshmen and saying to the guys next to me ‘Why are we watching Rutgers? Notre Dame is playing on ESPN2.’”

As the administration provided no answers, many turned to the athletes themselves to inquire how attending Rutgers translated into a successful football career. While most were unable to comment on how Rutgers helped in their success, Logan Ryan had given the question a lot of thought and told The Medium “[Rutgers] was like playing football in five feet of pudding. It’s not until you have a competent team backing you up that you realize that this football thing is really easy. I remember as soon as I left the Scarlet Knights it felt like I had taken fifty pound weights off my legs.”

Hobbs had no comment for Ryan’s hypothesis, but told The Medium,“All we know is that Rutgers clearly has the best recruiting out of any college in the U.S. and have no need to ever change the way we do things.”