By Jane Samuels
By Ivan Yakinoff
Can’t Play the Saxophone
PISCATAWAY— After another disappointing season as the laughing stock and bottom feeder of the Big 10, Rutgers Athletics, trying to redeem their shitty sports program, have decided to introduce new
deadly blood sports to bring back excitement for their fans.
Some of the new sports to be included are gladiator fighting, wild west duels, bull fighting, shotgun tag, and of course bear wrestling. The funding for these sports have already started and it is believed that once the program takes off, it will put the games ancient Romans and rednecks played to shame.
Athletic scholarships are already being prepared for these sports and will have a wide array of requirements. People who have a death wish and want to go out in style will be first priority. Followed by emo kids who enjoy cutting and people with blood fetishes as a close second.
Athletics director Pat Hobbs is ecstatic to bring this news over to the Big 10. In a recent conference, Hobbs said, “Rutgers will finally be relevant in the Big 10 again. We don’t need no silly football nor basketball to compete with the conference now. We’ll be battling it out on the biggest stage with gore galore. The rest of the conference will be too pansy to follow in our footsteps and we’ll dominate the blood sports league because no one else would want to play us.”
As revolutionary as these blood sports would be, there’s of course still a lot of controversy against these games. Many squeamish sheltering Christian moms have come out and said, “just because we let our kids watch Jesus bleed out in church doesn’t not mean this is appropriate for our kids. The country has lost all of it sense of morals!”. On the other side, hemophiliacs believe these games shouldn’t be allowed because they discriminate against them. “I’m not allowed to participate in these blood sports because of my condition. But let’s be real here, if you want real extreme blood sports, what you need are more hemophiliacs fighting to the death”.
Rutgers plans to roll out these sports by the beginning of next fall. When the time comes, these games will give us a good distraction next year from watching our football team lay goose eggs at every game.
By Sue De Nimm
Head of the Danny Fan-tom
NEW BRUNSWICK— Following the success of the first one, Rutgers has unveiled a brand new pile of horse shit smack dab in the middle of the Cook/Douglass campus. Last semester, students discovered the first pile on College Farm Road, and they were pretty thrilled.
“I was on my way to class when my nose caught some unfamiliar, yet welcoming stench. I looked down and I saw what appeared to be a giant pile of horse feces. Needless to say, I was quite amazed.” said junior Laura Tabor. The pile was put there by the Rutgers department of animal sciences as a public art display.
“We wanted to create a piece of work that would both represent our department and our university, as well as something that’s a pleasure on the eyes,” said head of the project Barbara Newport. “I got the idea when the police horse I was riding, King Charles IX, laid a big one right there next to the sidewalk. I just saw it and thought, ‘Wow, now that’s a beauty.’ So I just pitched it to the animal science people.” “Rutgers has always been an institution that prides itself on its appreciation and cultivation of the arts, and this was a way to bring that love of all things artistic and beautiful and bring it out of the museums and onto the streets,” said Newport. “This way, students can walk by that steaming pile of shit every day on their way to class and appreciate the finer things in life.” This past week, the group surprised us all with their newest installment, right by the Lipman Hall bus stop.
“I came off the bus, and I remember feeling pretty glum that day. Then I feel something mushy on the soles of my brand new suede Birkenstocks, and I see the brand new pile of horse shit! It definitely made my day,” said sophomore Jason Nguyen. Hopefully the 2018 Summer vacation will give the horses time to bulk up, eat some fiber, and gift us with a brand new display for next semester.
Move in day has passed, signaling the start of the school year. For upperclassmen, it’s back to the grind of burning the candle at both ends. For freshmen, there lies a sea of unknowns.
Fortunately for confused freshmen, Rutgers was kind enough to create a “RUcketlist”—a rundown of can’t-miss activities and experiences the University has to offer.
For the droves of bewildered incoming freshmen, this list probably seems foreign and daunting. Some sophomores may even want some guidance.
Don’t worry, The Medium is here to help. We are ranking all 27 items on the list to steer everyone, especially the freshmen, in the right direction.
- Get tested for AIDS/HIV – This will make all you worried freshmen look cool immediately. Go to the Hurtado Health Center on College Ave your first week of school and get tested, that way all the people on your floor will think you’re awesome and already got laid. You lie to some kids you’d like to befriend and get tested to backup your story. It’s a win-win; you either get to check out a different part of your new school while surreptitiously making new friends, or you get your results back and find out you actually have HIV! Either way you get some free condoms out of it.
- Attend a football game – Whether you’re a sports fan or not, going to at least one football game is a must. Luckily, Rutgers opens the season on Friday against No. 8 Washington, which means you’ll get to experience a Rutgers football tradition at your first game: an embarrassing blowout. When you’re at a game, make sure to use a meal swipe on some Papa John’s pizza, then drunkenly hurl it 20 rows deep toward the marching band.
- Fall Involvement Fair – Everybody goes to the involvement fair. This is where you plan your future before classes even start by giving out your email to almost every club you pass. Just make sure to grab as many pens and starburst as you can, and try to avoid being one of those creepy freshmen who walk around by themselves.
- Join a Student Organization – Now that you’ve signed up for at least 15 clubs, you have to join all of them. That’s how it works; nobody likes a flake. Don’t worry about classes, those are easy, just like high school. This is how you make lifelong connections, by spreading yourself too thin.
- Jump Off the High Dive at the Werblin Pool – Now that classes have started and you’re in a bunch of clubs, you’re going to want to kill yourself. That’s a big commitment, so jump off the high dive first to see if you’re cut out for it. We suggest doing a bellyflop. When the lifeguard comes to save you, he or she will ask you which NFL team Sonny Werblin owned to make sure you’re okay.
- Eat a Fat Sandwich – All right, so killing yourself isn’t the best idea, but swimming is always fun. Now that you feel depressed and lonely, use food to cope, and what better food to cope with than Rutgers’ famous fat sandwiches. Head over to their new location at The Yard and inhale some greasy food while sobbing until the store closes at 3 a.m.
- Before I Die Walls (10/3/17- 10/5/17) – RUPA puts this event on to help motivate students to reach their goals, but now you’ve been wallowing for weeks, so use these walls to send one last message out to the world.
- Join a Fraternity or Sorority – So somebody saw you write a grim, horrifying note on those walls, and now you’re getting some well-needed counseling from CAPS. You haven’t made a breakthrough yet, so you’re just lying to yourself about being happy. That’s the perfect time to rush. Put on a fake smile and bury your pain with alcohol, then go to your dorm room and sob into your twin mattress. Try not to wake up your roommates with your muffled tears, you crazy freshmen.
- Play Basketball at Deiner Park – When the gyms are packed, take advantage of the nice weather and play outside at the courts behind the river dorms on College Ave. You’ll be mingling with Middlesex County locals, though, so to the white freshmen, just keep your head down. Just be a team player and learn some cool new slang.
- Dance Marathon – This is a crazy time of the year. It feels great to donate to a good cause, but it’s really about sharing pictures of yourself dancing at the RAC for 12 hours on social media. If you didn’t post a picture did you even donate? No, we all know you didn’t donate anything, Frank.
- Convocation & Carnival – Only go to this to overhear conversations about where parties are that night. Then go out and learn about ratio.
- Take a Photo at the RevolUtionary Monument – Do this to truly appreciate how underwhelming our 250th anniversary gift is.
- Participate in Homecoming Bed Races – If you enjoy pointless activities filled with menial tasks, do the bed races. Nobody is really that sure what they’re for, and you get to waste time decorating a bed. Also if you’re lucky, the people racing next to you may swerve and run you over.
- Run in the Big Chill 5k – If you learn anything your freshmen year, you never have to pay for t-shirts. Run in the Chill for the shirt.
- Attend the Mark Conference – Instead of listening to a professional give an interesting TED Talk online, listen to people you’ve never heard of for an entire day in uncomfortable chairs. There will be free food, though. College is about snagging free food, too.
- Hot Dog Day – Wait in line for an hour for a single hot dog. Then go jump in a bouncy house and throw up. Warning: Don’t be fooled by any short lines–those are lines for vegan hot dogs.
- See a Livingston Theatre Company or Cabaret Performance – If you’re having a tough time as a freshman, watching a poor production put on by your fellow peers is a great way to make you feel better about yourself. You’ll have to sit through two excruciating hours of amateur acting, though, so it may not be worth it.
- Pet a Piglet at the Cook Farm – Overrated.
- Attend the RUPA Masquerade Ball – Only go to this if you’re a pretentious douche bag. Also, freshmen who are pretentious douchebags have a hard time making friends.
- Scarlet Harvest – What is this?
- Geek Week – And this?
- Scarlet Day of Service – This? These are probably just all made up to confuse freshmen. We’re looking out for you, though.
- Party at the Puddle – There’s an oversized puddle on Cook. Some people like to sit by it. That’s all you freshmen need to know.
- Bring a Friend to the Homecoming Bonfire – After people took this opportunity to toss their fake friends into the flames, Rutgers security now guards the fire. Not really worth going anymore.
- Homecoming Week: Bonfire, Bed Races + More! – Why would Rutgers put this on the list? You either mention the entire event or highlight the specifics, not both. Pathetic.
- Get Take Out From Neilson Dining Hall – What makes Neilson so special? Don’t fall for the food hall wars. Stand united in disgust of them all.
- Take a Selfie with the Scarlet Knight – Don’t mock the person inside who’s dying of a heat stroke. Bring the Knight some water and get out of the way.
BY Stephen A. Smiff
Missing Skip Bayless
HAPPY VALLEY, PA— Calling Joe Paterno one of the “greatest winners of all time”, president-elect Donald Trump recently demanded Penn State re-erect the statue commemorating the disgraced former head coach.
“This country will be a country of winners,” said Trump in an interview with a Pennsylvania newspaper on Sunday. “As president, I will celebrate all of our winners. This country is great at football, Joe Paterno was a great football coach, and therefore there is no reason his statue should have ever been taken down.”
The Paterno statue was taken down in 2012 after it was discovered he spent years covering up countless cases of sexual assault perpetrated by members of his staff. However, as a head coach from 1966-2011, he won a record 409 games, including two national championships, though all of his wins after 1998 were forfeit, dropping him to 12th-best all time.
Trump admonished those who took the statue down, calling the university officials “boneheads” and “losers”. Trump promised to re-erect the statue before the beginning of the 2017-18 school year.
Trump claimed this has always been part of his plan to “Make America Great Again,” as celebrating the greatest figures of America’s favorite sport is how he plans to promote winning. Trump also plans on erecting statues for O.J Simpson, Lawrence Taylor, Mike Ditka and Ray Rice.
The Penn State community, which was recently baffled when Paterno was honored at a football game this season, is not for re-erecting the statue, as they do not want to unearth that dark, disgusting, degrading 30-year period. Most students who are against Trump’s plan then went to binge drink at a party and force themselves sexually on unwilling participants.
Trump was unfazed by university backlash, claiming they are “stupid molesters who don’t know greatness if it grabbed them by the pussy”.
“This country cannot keep running away from its great history,” said Trump. “First we forget about Paterno’s greatness. What’s next? We forget about everything Robert E. Lee did? We ignore the great accomplishments of Andrew Jackson? We dismiss Walt Disney’s social causes? That’s just wrong.”
BY Grind All
During a class on Friday, Carl Talson of the history department at Rutgers declared he was “normally very tech savvy” while having trouble starting a PowerPoint presentation.
Hunched over a laptop with his glasses resting on the brim of his nose, Talson was said to be muttering “I don’t know what’s happening guys. I am normally very good with computers. Why won’t this thing start?
Witnesses say that he seemed to have no concept of a how a computer worked as he continued to blindly click around the screen hopelessly trying to find a way to present the PowerPoint.
“It was hard to watch. He just kept clicking around like he was having a seizure,” said one student. “It was so awkward, it was dead silent except for his angry muttering and erratic clicks.”
As the clicking intensified, many students took it upon themselves and elected to leave the lecture. The remaining students watched in pain for another 10 minutes as Talson minimized and maximized the window over and over again until one student sheepishly pointed out the “Present PowerPoint” button at the bottom of the screen. After finally clicking the button Talson was said to have sighed happily saying, “See I told you guys I was good with computers.”
BY Sue Denimm