Tag Archives: basketball

Lebron James Recruits Teenage Youtubers for Space Jam 2

By Robin Banks 

Los Angeles – Picture this. The year is 1996. Kids were doing The Macarena (oblivious to the fact that it was about a girl who cheated on an army man). Cartoon Network had the greatest lineup of all time. One thing that all Americans could agree upon was that Michael Jordan was the greatest basketball player of that generation. It was in 1996 that Michael Jordan starred in Space Jam. Arguably the most successful basketball movie, Space Jam featured famous athletes such as Larry Bird, Charles Barkley, and Patrick Ewing, just to name a few. These basketball players dominated the 90’s, as well as the big screen. Fast forward to 2019, things are far from perfect. 

 

In September of 2018, it was announced that this generation’s little-less-greater-than Michael Jordan, Lebron James, would be starring in a sequel of the original Space Jam film, Space Jam 2. Given the big names that starred in the first movie, fans and movie critics alike are expecting the Larry Birds of this generation to be in the movie. For example, stars such as Kevin Durant, Russel Westbrook, and Giannis Antetokounmpo were all expected to be a part of the film. However, nothing has yet been finalized, and shooting starts very soon. As a result, James, the star of the movie, has taken a rather unconventional route. 

 

Youtube. Youtube. Youtube. Everyone has their favorite Youtube star. The kids have Jojo Siwa. The teens have MattyBRaps. The adults have Jojo Siwa. Lebron James has looked towards Youtube to cast roles in the new Space Jam 2 movie. Given the millions of views these Youtubers rake in per video, James believes that this is necessary to make the movie a success. “Listen man, I want to make Space Jam 2 for the kids. I was a kid when Space Jam came out, and that s*** inspired the hell outa me. I’m just trying to give back to the community”, said James. In light of these words, basketball fans took to the streets. Wanting to reminisce their childhood, older people took to the streets to protest the remarks. “Man f*** those kids. They get everything”, said family care attorney, Harry Feinstein. 

 

While not confirmed, rumors have it that Jojo Siwa has a guaranteed role in the upcoming film. She is said to have the potential to bring an unusual flair on set, something that current NBA players lack. Even though it is a basketball movie, the producers of the film want to be inclusive of all people. Having rich male athletes starring alongside an even richer male athlete is the story of the past. Even though Siwa may be rich, scientists do not know what to classify her as. You cannot get more inclusive than that.

DEVELOPING: UNC championship vacated after receiving impermissible benefits, t-shirts

Stephen A. Smiff
Bad For Sports

PHOENIX—According to many sources, the NCAA ruled that the University of North Carolina will have to vacate all of it’s wins from the 2016-17 season, including Monday night’s championship victory, due to a “gratuitous giveaway of championship t-shirts, hats and confetti, which violates NCAA bylaws governing student compensation.”

Immediately after UNC’s 71-65 victory over Gonzaga, Carolina students were given complementary t-shirts and hats commemorating their victory under a shower of free confetti. According to sources, this commemorative and completely reasonable gift-giving constitutes an impermissible benefit.

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NOT SO FAST… Joel Berry, tournament MOP, thinks he can just walk on out of here with that free hat. Think again, mister.

“We are aware of the situation and are conducting an investigation,” said NCAA President Mark Emmert. “That being said, it is unfortunate that these players who made their university and the NCAA billions of dollars had to accept these gifts. While most of them will never play professional basketball and have suffered lifelong injuries, they should know accepting a free shirt that sells for $30 retail is wrong.”

In 2010, the NCAA and CBS/Turner Sports agreed to a 14 year, $10.8 billion deal to broadcast the tournament. Players do not see any of that money, nor do they earn any portion of merchandise sales, but they are allowed to buy merchandise at any official NCAA retailer.

“Yeah, so I was told they’d take my scholarship away if I kept my t-shirt,” said Tony Bradley, the only freshman for North Carolina who played in the championship game. “I did all this and I can’t get a free shirt? I never go to my ethics class, but I feel like that’s a bit unethical.”

UNC lost in last year’s championship game to Villanova on a buzzer beater, but this year’s redemption was short lived, as the NCAA is reportedly readying to announce the school’s punishment in the coming days.

“So what,” said UNC head coach Roy Williams. “I still get paid.”

Trump Fills Out Uber-White Jai Alai Tournament Bracket Over NCAA Tournament

BY Throb Lowe
Dropped as a Child

WASHINGTON D.C.— Rather than participate in the annual tournament that unites the nation, Trump has elected to make picks in the World Cup of Jai Alai over the NCAA March Madness tournament.

During a White House press conference a confused and sweaty Sean Spicer told the press “more people pay attention to Jai Alai than they do to college basketball. The numbers show that more people attend the World Cup of Jai Alai than they do the NAACP basketball tournament, and that’s a fact.”

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LIVIN’ THE JAI-LIFE Trump taking another break from “running” the country

The World Cup of Jai Alai, hosted at a private estate in Moscow, is set to begin two days after the NCAA basketball tournament ends, giving Trump almost no excuse not to participate. Rather than choosing Duke or Syracuse to win his bracket, the President reportedly chose Jon Denning to win the WCJA.

In a diarrhetic middle-of-the-night stream of tweets Trump informed the people that “Basketball is failing! Jai Alai is a $3.2 billion dollar industry, NCAA has never come close! SAD.”

ESPN analysts didn’t know what to make of Trump’s prediction of an early round fall of Timofy Carcello because not a single analyst knew who that was. In fact, a total of four employees at ESPN knew what Jai Alai was.

University Students and Faculty Respond to Barchi’s Ban on UAVs

PISCATAWAY—Late last Monday night, University President Robert Barchi issued a memorandum outlining the school’s policy on Unmanned Aerial Vehicles (UAVs), effective immediately. Outrage was soon heard from voices across campus but the administration defends its position.

Lawrence Fischer, legal advisor to the University, proposed the policy to Barchi last Sunday, April 3.

“I told him to cover his ass. That’s what everyone is doing when it comes to drones: making up rules so that if anything happens, we’re not liable. The next day, he sent out the announcement.”

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“They’re fucking annoying.” President Barchi addressed the Rutgers Community on his ban on UAVs as an Amazon delievery drone flew close and nearly hit him in the back of the head.

“We have no such record at Rutgers,” according to Jefferson Green, a student and UAV enthusiast. “No one has gotten hurt and our telemetry systems are signal-hoppers, so they won’t come close to interfering with medical helicopters. I don’t even recognize the validity of this announcement. Emails aren’t legal documents. I can continue to fly recreationally on campus. Even if something happens, I—and other recreational flyers—am insured with AMA membership and registered with the FAA.”

The announcement was also maligned by faculty. Dr. Xavier Zehn, a professor in Mechanical and Aerospace Engineering was particularly outspoken.

“I have grants from fucking DARPA, dammit,” Zehn explained. “This is bullshit. So many faculty and students across multiple departments use UAVs for research and now we can’t do anything until we get Barchi’s permission through some process yet to be developed. Rutgers pays for this; it makes no sense to ban it.”

Faced with this backlash, Barchi told reporters that he would not retract the email. “My word is law. And it applies to everyone. If you’re playing basketball and you jump with the ball, it’s manned. Once you shoot the ball, it is an Unmanned Aerial Vehicle and will bring consequences. So slam-dunks only.”

“It’s the same with those dang geese,” continued Barchi. “They shit every seven minutes and are not welcome. I’m building a wall. Geese are technically UAVs and may not be airborne, so this wall is perfect. This policy is perfect. I made it up in under a day, but it’s really well thought out.”

Area Man Still Suffering from Linsanity

BY Bud Collins Wannabe
He Was a Legend

BAYONNE, NJ — Linsanity swept the nation and took the world by storm for a brief moment in 2012, but one man is sitll caught up in the hype.

“I can’t move on,” said Bayonne’s Dom DiNicco. “I’m a die hard Knicks fan. I just can’t forget those glorious moments.

Jeremy Lin shined bright for about a month for the New York Knicks, energizing a downtrodden fanbase.

Lin’s run ended, though, after sitting in the playoffs due to injury. He then left the Knicks for the Houston Rockets during free agency.

Just like that, Linsantiy had ended.

“It didn’t end for me. I still follow him,” said DiNicco. “I even have his move. Linsanity. I watch it every week. I can’t get enough. I just want him back.”

DiNicco, married with three children, worked sanitation for 15 years until filing for disability in the summer of 2012.

“When Lin left, he just couldn’t handle it,” said his wife Tammy.

After realizing he wrote in “a strong case of Linsanity” on his form, DiNicco’s insurance stopped paying disability.

“The insurance company found out in about a month,” said his wife. “He was a good worker. He made good money. Now he just lays on the couch and I work three jobs. It’s been four years!”

DiNicco says there are “tens” of people worldwide who still suffer.

“I just lay here all day and think of what was and what could’ve been. I just can’t function anymore without him. What’s there to live for?”