Tag Archives: NBA

Adam Silver Paid Lifetime Supply of Wontons to Side with China

Shanghai – The National Basketball Association has become embroiled in an international dispute after Houston Rockets’ GM Daryl Morey tweeted in support of Hong Kong and its protestors. The NBA has built an indelible relationship with China, as a recent statistic pointed out that 500 million Chinese fans watched at least one basketball game last season. China, known for its rich history, it’s amazing food, and the occasional ethnic cleansing of Muslim and other minority populations, was offended by Morey’s tweet. As a result, NBA Commissioner, and overall cue ball, Adam Silver, publicly sent out a statement that the NBA values its relationship with the Chinese citizens (and their very much suffering factions). Understandably, many players and coaches are being held accountable as a result of poor administrative dealings. 

 

During the preseason, Adam Silver had a tense meeting with many NBA players, most notably Lebron James. During the meeting, Silver was quoted as being, “a UChicago lawyer mofu**a”. To qualm players’ fears, Silver promised to personally talk to dictator, I mean, President Xi regarding the situation. However, the Medium team has received some insider information regarding Adam Silver’s comments. Apparently, given Adam Silver looks like an emaciated Benjamin Button, a local wonton joint, Hangzhou Xiao, promised the commissioner a lifetime supply of wontons for him and his family. The owner of the restaurant happily agreed to the terms and conditions only after a man dressed up in a Yao Ming jersey threatened to make wontons out of his family. With much of the media comparing Silver to yet another Chinese pawn, Silver made yet another public appearance, this time looking more robotic and sounding like a man from the Orient. He said, “China is great. It make me money. It make me happy”.  

 

Hong Kong has been ensnared in a series of protests for the past couple of months. With hundreds of people harmed and possibly killed, the protests seem to only pick up steam. Hey, at least one man got his fair share of wontons just for a couple million people to lose their loved ones. 

 

#FreeHongKong

Area Man Still Suffering from Linsanity

BY Bud Collins Wannabe
He Was a Legend

BAYONNE, NJ — Linsanity swept the nation and took the world by storm for a brief moment in 2012, but one man is sitll caught up in the hype.

“I can’t move on,” said Bayonne’s Dom DiNicco. “I’m a die hard Knicks fan. I just can’t forget those glorious moments.

Jeremy Lin shined bright for about a month for the New York Knicks, energizing a downtrodden fanbase.

Lin’s run ended, though, after sitting in the playoffs due to injury. He then left the Knicks for the Houston Rockets during free agency.

Just like that, Linsantiy had ended.

“It didn’t end for me. I still follow him,” said DiNicco. “I even have his move. Linsanity. I watch it every week. I can’t get enough. I just want him back.”

DiNicco, married with three children, worked sanitation for 15 years until filing for disability in the summer of 2012.

“When Lin left, he just couldn’t handle it,” said his wife Tammy.

After realizing he wrote in “a strong case of Linsanity” on his form, DiNicco’s insurance stopped paying disability.

“The insurance company found out in about a month,” said his wife. “He was a good worker. He made good money. Now he just lays on the couch and I work three jobs. It’s been four years!”

DiNicco says there are “tens” of people worldwide who still suffer.

“I just lay here all day and think of what was and what could’ve been. I just can’t function anymore without him. What’s there to live for?”

Mark Jackson ‘Only Low-key Upset’ About The Warriors

BY Rebellious John Clayton
Recently Retired

mark-jackson-600x406
“Sad Boi” Mark Jackson is pretty bad at lying. It’s hard not to sympathize with him after The Warrior’s end to 2015

OAKLAND, CA— Former Warriors head coach Mark Jackson was always going to be in a tough spot after getting fired two seasons ago. Jackson knew full well what his roster was capable of and it more likely than not augmented the pain of watching his former team close out the season as NBA Champions last season.

As tough as the championship was to handle, the Warriors appear to be unstoppable right now and are off to the greatest start in NBA history. A recent interview with the former head coach revealed how he was handling the frustrations of his situation.

“You know what? You’d assume I’d be incredibly upset at this situation, but I’m honestly not,” Jackson claimed. “I’d be a liar if I claimed that it wasn’t kind of tough to watch last year, sure. But I’m just so proud of those guys and Steve Kerr. They really deserved it and I’m totally at peace with it, even though it looks like Steve has a roster loaded with the talent to win multiple championships for the foreseeable future.”

After lying through his teeth for thirty more minutes, the cameras turned off. Mark Jackson threw his chair out a glass window and cursed Steve Kerr for “stealing my fucking roster and harvesting the fruits of my labor. You lucky son-of-a-bitch!”

Jackson then proceeded to sprint and jump headfirst down a large flight of stairs in an incredible display of rage and frustration resulting in complete disregard for potential self-harm.

“AAHHHHHH!!! AHHHAHAHAH! ARGHHHHHHAHA!!!” Jackson yelped.

“It was sort of like that scene in Breaking Bad where Walt realizes Skyler gave his money to Ted and has that dark, terrifying fit of laughter in his crawlspace,” announced the cameraman present for Jackson’s interview.

White Guy’s Play for Knicks A Pleasant Surprise for Fans

BY Rebellious John Clayton
Old

"Unconventional Style"     Porzingis pictured above before the NBA draft. There was nothing not to like. Right?
“Unconventional Style”
Porzingis pictured above before the NBA draft. There was nothing not to like. Right?

New York— When the Knicks selected a tall white guy in the 2015 draft fans were not shy about letting their feelings be heard. The white guy from another country was greeted by hissing fans that were venting their frustration with a franchise that has not been relevant for quite some time. They desperately wanted to see D’Angelo Russell, (who is not a white guy), fall to their team, but the Lakers selected him two picks earlier.

Given the extremely low expectations, many knowledgeable and die-hard Knicks fans have been pleasantly surprised with the productivity of the tall white dude from Latvia.

“I never would have guessed this guy would become such a difference maker,” longtime Knick fan Andy Joseph told reporters. “I can’t exactly point to why I was so bummed when they drafted him, but it seems my ill feelings were a bit preemptive and misguided.”

When pressed on whether his reaction would have been different if the player was not white, Joseph was taken aback.

“Of course it wasn’t his skin color that made me doubt him,” he yelled, growing red in the face. “Don’t be ridiculous.”

What to Watch For: A 2015-2016 NBA Preview

 

He isn't in this article, but if Kobe is the picture, you better be damn sure to clicked on it.
He isn’t in this article, but it’s Kobe! Kobe!

  1. Carmelo Anthony: We all know he’s a great player, but quietly he’s become a great bitcher. He’s a sleeper candidate for All-NBA complainer of the year

    2. Knees: ACL tears are the norm, and this year I’m predicting at least seven knees completely leaving the bodies of their players. D-Rose has been bearing this burden for years now but it’s time some other players stepped up and sacrificed their knees once in awhile

    3. Babies: Around 2500 babies will be born out of wedlock to NBA players this season. With salaries set to take a massive hike after the salary cap increase, it seems these babies will at least be able to get an iPad mini with child support money

    4. Mark Cuban: Sources say Cuban has about had it up to here with everyone’s bullshit and is planning on taking a shit mid-court during a game before the All-Star break

    5. Utah Jazz: Just a solid team. Could actually make the playoffs this year. Really nothing dramatic going on here. Just watch them if you like basketball

6. 25 Token white guys who are not very athletic but hit the occasional 3 and play tough defense will be described as “scrappy”