Tag Archives: New Brunswick

Class Too Small to Go Without Acknowledging Professor

BY Dale
Just Wants a Hula Hoop

NEW BRUNSWICK — Just before walking into class, junior Adrianna Canillo was forced to put on a half-smile and wave uninspiringly as she passed her professor of Sports Writing and Reporting, a class of only 25 people.

Canillo arrived to class early and walked by her professor, Allen Roberts, sitting outside class. The two made eye contact, and because the class is so small, were forced to make light of each other’s presence.

“Yeah this is the only reason why large classes are better,” said Canillo, who is majoring in Journalism and Media Studies. “In those classes I can walk by my professors and ignore them without a problem. But in these small classes, I feel so awkward if I do that.”

According to multiple student reports, there is always a moment of hesitancy when seeing professors of small classes outside of the classroom. Students usually first analyze their relationship with the professor, physical distance from the professor and whether or not the professor is interacting with other people.

“I usually try to go on my phone or put my in earbuds,” said Canillo, who is now too deep into her major to take large classes, which would negate this issue. “But in this case, I didn’t have time. He was like right there. I’ve only spoken up in class like three times, so I didn’t know if he recognized me or not. I panicked.”

Canillo apparently felt incredibly uncomfortable during her awkward greeting. Her relationship with the professor is neither too distant to warrant ignoring him, nor close enough to demand a friendly gesture.

“Honestly I wish I just ignored him,” added Canillo. “What was I thinking. Now he’s gonna expect something from me in class. I just sit there and go on my phone and search for internships. This wave is gonna change everything.”

Fraternities Promoting Sexual Violence Awareness Still Require Ratio

BY Walter Cronkite Jr
Greek Life Insider

NEW BRUNSWICK — Not seeing the explicit irony, fraternities at Rutgers continue to advocate for the prevention of sexual violence while forcing all male, non-guest list partygoers to have ratio.

“Hey bro, I only see three girls and one of you,” Beta Rho Omega brother Arnie van Jaaran reportedly said, whose fraternity was enforcing a 6-to-1 female-to-male ratio Friday. “I can’t let you in unless you got more girls, yo. But while I have you here, would you care to make a donation to RAINN, the nation’s largest anti-sexual violence organization?”

This is not an isolated incident, as reportedly every fraternity that is not guest-list only continues to use ratio at parties year after year. The reported minimum ratio is 4-to-1 at Tau Iota Tau, yet the reported minimum amount of service hours per brother at Rutgers is 10 a semester, though the message and actions do not seem to resonate.

RAINN IS LUCKY TO HAVE ARNIE Hey man equality is just the right thing to do

“Yeah we do a lot of work with The Office for Violence Prevention and Victim Assistance, which provides an amazing service on campus that I really recommend people use,” said Sam Young, president of Alpha Sigma Sigma. “At the same time, though, we can’t be throwing sausagefests every weekend. Frankly, girls should see it as a compliment. They’re desirable. As a reward, guys that pull get to party, and girls are given free drinks and get to swat away unwanted advances.”

When asked about the apparent hypocrisy, Young did not see it.

“Nah we have inter-fraternal meetings all the time, and we always congratulate each other on the positive impact we have on the culture of sexual violence prevention on this campus.”

The office of Fraternity & Sorority Affairs did not make an official comment on the issue, but did note fraternity contributions to the cause, both monetarily and through volunteer hours.

When asked, most independent students on campus were indifferent on the issue.
“It’s whatever,” said senior Jessica Hernandez. “I go to the bars now.”


BY Maximum Powers
Slowly Losing it

NEW BRUNSWICK — Spring training has gotten off to a rocky start at Rutgers. After a disagreement involving players and coaches got out of hand, management decided to take away the football practice field until the two sides can play nice with each other.

The argument was said to have begun when a player accidently ran into a coach during practice, causing the forty-year-old father to get a sizable bruise on his hip and run crying to management that the incident occurred on purpose. This accusation sparked a heated debate on the event with hurtful slurs like “poopy head” and “butt muncher” were thrown at one another. Seeing the volatile nature of the discord, management at Rutgers told both players and coaches to go their respective rooms and calm down, after seeing little change in the situation after a juice and snack break the heads of the football committee decided to take drastic measures and remove the practice field from Rutgers grounds.

PAVED PARADISE Workers finish moving the last of the grass to a higher location.

Coach Jim “Jimmy” Cooter told The Medium, “This is such crap! That field is more our field than theirs, we’ve had it for longer. God I wish the school never had these kids join the team.”

The field has been removed from the campus and has been placed up in a higher elevation until the athletic department deems the coaches and players have made up and can be friends again. When asked about the loss of the field many players replied through tears that “It’s not fair. They totally started it by blabbing. We said we were sorry so many times, but they won’t believe us.”

While not making an official comment on the matter, Athletic Director Patrick Hobbs remarked “Jesus Christ, again?” He then took off his jacket, grabbed a six pack, and sat to watch TV while ignoring the screams and cries of the players and coaches.


BY Radio Raheem
Butt Pun Enthusiast

NEW BRUNSWICK— In an unfortunate slip-up, Rutgers Student Involvement accidentally printed “Butgers Day” on every single T-shirt for the massive event this weekend. This is a massive PR nightmare for Rutgers, who will no doubt have to scramble to try to fix this enormous mistake before Saturday.

“We’re well and truly fucked here,” says President Barchi. Ideally, Rutgers would just order new shirts with the correct logo. However, because half of the annual budget was spent on the misprinted shirts, ordering the same amount of shirts again would cut the rest of the budget. There would be no athletics, no theatre performances, scientific research, or money for student clubs.

WHATUPGERS Well that’s a giant fucking mistake

A student representative declined to comment on the exact amount that was spent but implied that it was well over $500,000 since they splurged on shirts made of Mexican alpaca hair.

Student Involvement is looking into changing the annual event to Butgers Day to accommodate for the eye-wateringly asinine amount of money they spent on these shirts.

Rutgers finally raises 10% of what penn state does for dance marathon

Radio Raheem
Does the Rightish Thing

PISCATAWAY—After only 18 years in existence, RUDM has finally hit its mark, raising a record $1 million for the kids. This monumental success comes just days after Penn State officially raised over $10 million, which is by no means even close to a record for them.

SO CLOSE Good try Rutgers! But let’s save the confetti for when we’ve earned it.

The annual dancing-fundraising marathon is a cherished tradition at both Rutgers and Penn State, along with many other college campuses throughout the United States.

However, Penn State happens to be approximately ten times better at it on a relatively average year than we are on our best year.

Reports have surfaced that Penn State’s football team may be better than ours as a direct result of the amount of children they save in comparison to us. Critics have said that their football team does much more damage to children than good for them, and they have to raise that much more money to make up for it. It’s not clear at this point whether there is any merit to these reports, but what is clear is that children potentially dying is preferable to attending the Pennsylvania State University.

Girl Breaks Internet by Posting Update on Post Grad Plans

Grind All
Has No Future

NEW BRUNSWICK—On Monday night, college senior Meghan Tulson stopped the world with her Earth-shattering Facebook post about her post-graduate plans. Posted at 7:43 pm, the status read:

“So excited to announce that I will be continuing my journey to become a children’s speech pathologist at Montclair State University :)”. Within 5 minutes the post had practically broken the Internet.

“There was so much traffic on this one post,” said Facebook representative Don Nelson.

“Our servers just couldn’t handle all of the likes and comments! We had to shut the site down for about ten minutes until the server rebooted.”

In the initial five minutes the post had amassed 113 likes and 47 comments that ranged from “congrats!” to full essays by one overly expressive aunt who just knew that Meghan was going to be working with children even when she was just a baby. meghan.png

“I’m just so overwhelmed,” said Tulson’s Facebook friend Carol Sanchez. “I haven’t talked or even thought about Meghan since high school but dammit if I wasn’t excited to hear about her post-graduate plans!”

Other estranged and forgotten friends seemed to share the same sentiments. Multiple sources stated how they’ve just been on the edge of their seats waiting to hear Tulson’s plans.

The post continued to generate attention for the next 24 hours. By the end of Tuesday the post had 1,207 likes and 304 comments. This just barely surpassed her post from four years prior which detailed her acceptance to Rutgers University.

Tulson graciously responded to comments by liking posts and writing multiple “Thank you so much!” comments.

The Medium will continue to stay on top of Tulson’s plans and will provide further updates as to how her new house, dog, and eventual new boyfriend are.