Tag Archives: New Brunswick

Yankees Cancel Rutgers Game to Preserve Reputation

PISCATAWAY — After a solid postseason run, the New York Yankees have decided to cut the Rutgers vs. Maryland game from its schedule of events to improve their image.
The Scarlet Knights were set to face Maryland at Yankees stadium on Saturday, November 4th, but both teams have had their invite rescinded in order to preserve the Yankees’ image.

In a press release the Yankees stated, “We regret to inform the public that the Rutgers vs. Maryland Football game will be canceled. We want to take the energy from this postseason and run with it. Allowing Rutgers to play at the stadium, against Maryland of all teams, would tarnish the groundwork we’ve set this season.”

The Rutgers Football program is shocked that the Yankees have decided to cut ties this way. After winning two consecutive conference games and not getting blown out by Michigan, fans were ecstatic to see their teams play at Yankee Stadium.

“We understand why they wouldn’t want to associate with Maryland. Nobody wants that, but we’re practically their backyard,” said University President Robert Barchi. “Our business program has been loading Wall Street with douchebags for years. They can’t even throw us a bone?”

Not everybody is torn up about the decision though. Freshman lineman Norman Suggs was quoted saying, “Thank god we don’t have to go all the way to the city to lose. I get car sick.”

When questioned about their decision, the Yankees responded with vague answers and beat around the bush when it came to logistics. However, one message was clear:

They were glad to have canceled this event.

“Yeah, we’re trying to be associated with winning over here,” said a Yankees representative who preferred to remain nameless.

Tune in to a sketchy stream from a Russian website to watch the Scarlet Knights and the Terps face off, because there’s no way this makes it to TV.

Rutgers On Pace to Win Big 10 “Most Improved” Award This Season

PISCATAWAY — The Rutgers Scarlet Knights are on a world-shocking two game win streak, and they’re officially eligible for a special honor.

Each year the Big 10 honors the most improved team in the conference, and this year it’s the Scarlet Knights. The week before last, Rutgers secured their first conference win in nearly two years against the Fighting Illini, who went home hanging their heads in shame.

AN AWARD SUITED FOR A CAMPUS SO LIBERAL The Scarlet Knights take this year’s Big 10 Most Improved Award

Big 10 commissioner Jim Delany stated in a press conference, “Not only did the Scarlet Knights manage to not get blown out buy double- digits, they actually won a fucking game. The board is so astounded we’re officially nominating Rutgers University for the award for most improved organization.”

A week after Rutgers topped the Purdue Boilermakers at High Point Solutions Stadium by a whopping two points, after nearly blowing the lead after allowing a late game touchdown and a near two-point conversion.

Quarterback Kyle Bolin was overheard telling teammates to “…simmer the fuck down out there. We’re not trying to win a bowl game or anything, so let’s not get expectations up. Let’s feed off this energy and shoot for most improved. Worst case, we still get our participation awards.”

The energy won’t stop here though. Rutgers will face off against the Michigan Wolverines on Saturday, and things are looking not so terrible for the Scarlet Knights.

So long as Rutgers scores at least a field goal, and limits Michigan’s points to 35, they’re almost a lock for most improved this year.

Coach Jim Harbaugh even extended a congratulations to Chris Ash and the entire Rutgers Football organization. “I’m genuinely proud of you guys,” he said, “It’s nice to see a team we absolutely pummel do a little better the next season. I’m just glad I could help make a difference.”

Tune in to the Big Ten Network this weekend to watch the Scarlet Knights try their best.

Keep the Volume Up On Your Headphones, I Insist

BY Knifty Knitterheadphones

As a Rutgers student, I am a pretty frequent user of the Rutgers bus system. I have classes on every campus besides the one I live on, so I spend a good hour or two commuting on the buses each day and I have to say, the one thing that makes it bearable is the availability of free and constant music. No matter the H or the EE, I can be sure to free-ride a tune from a jock’s Beats or a business student’s EarPods. I appreciate the fact that at any point in the day, I can get on a bus and find solitude to the accompaniment of a poppin’ Jersey club remix or the heartfelt words of whichever country star my seatmate is listening to.

I almost feel guilty, as if I am taking advantage of the music industry as a whole. I, a lowly history major, can enjoy the pleasures of such fine melodies and musical choices of my fellow bus companions and don’t have to purchase the music-or even put on headphones to enjoy it. I am truly the party at fault every time, but what can I do? I don’t have the power to turn off my ears, to block my auditory neurons from receiving the signals from the sweet sounds. It is what the universe has bestowed upon me and I must live with the consequences.

Proctortrack Catches Student Mid Jerk-Sesh

BY Mike Hawk
Pelvis Safety Officer

NEW BRUNSWICK— This past week has been hell for most students taking their midterms, but for one student, it was about to get much worse. Andrew Redstein had almost finished his busy week of 4 midterms. He had already finished 3 of them in classic middle-of-the-road student fashion and needed to complete his fourth. The monster set before him was none other than Social Media for the Arts Online, the GPA destroyer for most journalism majors.

Andrew decided to start his exam with all of his attention focused on completing the exam, with some time to spare for the leisure activities he missed out on during his busy week. Unfortunately, he came across one specific question. “Who is the CEO of wordpress.com?” Redstein has an absolute hard-on for online blogs. Andrew took a peek at the time left in his assignment and saw he had enough to rub one out.

After Andrew was finished, he quickly wrapped up his exam and submitted it. It was then he felt his heart sink into his stomach. Andrew had completely forgotten that the anti-cheat software, Proctortrack recorded him taking the exam in his entirety. Andrew is patiently awaiting the results of his exam and promises to swear off masturbation for a full day.