Tag Archives: beer

Here’s An Opinion: I’m Drunk

BY Devindevin.png

No no no no no, I got this. You guys don’t know what you’re talking about. No no no no, I’m fine. Really I’m fine, just let me talk. I study this stuff in school. Yeah I got to class, shut the fuck up, Rachel. The media covers this all wrong. It’s all just one big cover up. Yeah I actually believe that. Damn it Rachel just let me fucking talk–wait yo Adam are you going into the kitchen? Can you get me another beer? Hey, no, I was talking. I know I’m drunk but I still know what I’m talking about. As I was saying: this has been a problem throughout history. I mean look at the Civil War. Things don’t change, just you don’t hear people talking about it all the time, that’s why you don’t think it’s a problem, Rachel. Hey. I said I’m fine. It’s just one more beer. Fucking Rachel, am I right? You just don’t get it Rachel. You think all of the world’s problems will go away by just batting your eyes. Well that’s not how it works, Rachel. The media, Rachel. Read between the lines, Rachel. Things are not what they seem to be, just read a textbook. I just learned about all of this. Am I not making sense to you? This is cut and dry. I am drunk. I am not wrong, but yes I am drunk. Hey, no, don’t discriminate. You’re discriminating. That’s discriminating. I’m allowed to drink this beer. It’s all your fault, Rachel. Look at what’s happening here, Rachel. Look at what you’re making me do, Rachel. It’s all a big cover up. I’m out!


NEW YORK— Baseball has made its return, and dads everywhere are losing their damn minds.

Liquor stores across the country are experiencing light beer shortages across the country and Home Depot has tripled last year’s revenue off grill sales and outdoor projector set ups alone. Local supermarket clerk Barbara Reed, 32, said “The store has been full of middle aged men buying red meat, wings, and beer and arguing with each other over which pitcher is better. I’ve never seen so many in one place before.”

TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALL-GAME Almost a packed crowd at Citi field with almost three rows of people.

Stadiums have been packed with men who should be at work and boys who should be in school since opening day. Citi Field was entirely full, with over 41,000 people attending the game, with an estimated 21,000 of those participants missing lessons in school that are integral to their academic success. Local teen Brandon Grosmen said “My dad took me to the Yankees game which was cool, but I missed a review for a really big history test and picture day. I guess it was worth it to see the game.”

The Yankees went on to lose the game to the Houston Astros 8-1 in the game where Brett Gardner tore his ACL sliding into second base. He won’t return to play this season.

Highways entering major cities have been backed up for miles before games after stadiums established DUI checkpoints every quarter mile. An unnamed Citi Field “The stadium said they want the check points coming in to prevent drunk driving and disorderly fans, but they’re really just doing it so people have to pay for stadium beers. No one can watch baseball sober with their kids and the stadium know it.”

Things You Can Shove up Your Anus


1. My baby brother

2. Cucumbers (*make sure they have that gross wax coating*)

3. Four Beatles albums (*vinyls*)

4. My girlfriend’s hair while she sleeps (SORRY JENNA)

5. The Targum

6. Barchi’s bald head

7. A hollow tube of bumblebees

8. Dan

9. The Rutgers’ football team’s hopes and dreams

10. A glowstick

11. Mexican chile candies

12. Donald Trump’s hands

13. Ken Bone’s sweater (**must be rolled into a ball**)

14. Corona (a la butt chug)

15. A handful of legos

16. The Rutgers Housing Dept. (so that they can fuck you in the ass one last time!)

ISIS Declares Fatwa on Coach Chris Ash

BY Bob Ross

SYRIA—After Saturday’s loss against Illinois, ISIL caliphate Abu al-Baghdadi has declared a fatwa on Rutgers football coach Chris Ash. Despite multiple claims that Ash will “super duper positively guarantee a win” last weeks game, al-Baghdadi has shifted the blame on the Rutgers Football team isis chris.pngrather than all of America in general.

Twitter reports claim after al-Baghdadi’s second jerk-off sesh, he sat down to watch the Illinois-Rutgers game with “very high” expectations. I personally traveled to Mosul to interview various ISIL freedom fighters. One of them who was in the same room when al-Baghdadi was watching claimed, “We were just watching the game, drinking some brews, regular man shit when Big AlBagh over there just starting flippin’ his shit.

“Spilling his bud light all over the leather couch. Kept screaming Ash was a fucking pussy. It was super scary, I didn’t say anything.”

It was alleged that after the freak out, Baghdadi immediately declared the fatwa. About six or seven beers in, Baghdadi reportedly kept shouting, “Oh my Allah! I am so fucking pissed off. I need a cigarette. Does anyone have a fucking cigarette? HAllah back if you do.”

“I’m just so relieved that I don’t have to be afraid of getting bombed in the middle of Time Square or something now. The blame’s all on Ash now, not me”, said one Rutgers student when asked about the fatwa. Many are jubilant about ISIL’s apparent end of hostilities, stating in a press conference, “we don’t give two fucks about anything except for Chris Ash’s headless body.” ISIL has called onto all Rutgers students to pull a Salman Rushdie, but this time to not fuck it up. They guaranteed the first to decapitate him will receive 73 virgins.

Chris Ash, interviewed in an undisclosed location (102 College Ave.), stated, “I have my utmost faith in the Rutgers community to never negotiate with terrorists and I know that hopefully our next game against Penn state will be a guaranteed win. You can bet your sweet patootie we will!”

DEVELOPING: Rutgers Yet To Learn How To Be Big Ten School, Closes Alley

BY Stephen A. Smiff

PISCATAWAY — After trudging through their first three years in the Big Ten, Rutgers started to make positive strides by introducing The Alley, a student-only tailgating section, to boost attendance and help usher in the Big Ten era.

Just two weeks into its existence, the university shut it down.

“We realize The Alley is new, but safety concerns trump good times and lifelong memories,” said President Robert Barchi in a press release. “It does not matter if kids will just go drink elsewhere, or if other Big Ten universities with successful athletic programs support their students by making them feel welcome at football games, we just cannot allow these kinds of school-sanctioned shenanigans.”thealley

New athletic director Pat Hobbs recently visited The Alley, and even drank a beer a student handed him, earning him respect from students. However, after making a statement apologizing for his action, the imminent doom of The Alley was clear.

“I handed him a beer, and he drank it, and we were all like, ‘Wooooooooooo!’ ya know,” said Beta Rho Omicron junior Chris Herns. “Then he was like ‘Nah my bad, I shouldn’ta done that,’ and we were all pissed. I thought Big Ten schools were supposed to support underage drinking and student mayhem, man.”

The Rutgers University Student Assembly has yet to make an official statement, but individuals with knowledge of the situation say they “realized they made a huge mistake” by entering the Big Ten, and “don’t know how to handle” being in the public eye, so “might as well make the students suffer.”

Students will now likely go back to tailgating in various lots around High Point Solutions Stadium, while the University will continue to figure out how to make its students feel welcome in a conference where Rutgers has yet to make its mark.

Characteristics of the Average Daily Targum Referendum Voter

BY Ivan Polinsky

Voted “Yes”:
1. IQ of a peanut
2. Cannot read or write
3. Weak, noodle arms
4. Got into Rutgers because of parents’ wealth, legacy, etc.
5. No useful skills to offer to society (A.K.A. puts good at keg stands on resume)
6. Should probably be paying for most of the Targum’s fees (if he/she loves it so much)

Voted “No”:
1. Alpha as FUCK
2. Great at all the things
3. Can read, write, solve world hunger, and bang your mom (ALL AT THE SAME TIME)
4. Genetics so superior I got sperm banks begging ME for my sperm
5. Majoring in BANGING YOUR MOM
6. Will be making six figures not babysittting six year olds when he/she graduates
7. Me



“I don’t like this place dude. Let’s get out of here,” Brad pleaded to his pledge brother, Jack.

“Don’t be such a pussy dude,” urged Jack. “What, you think ghosts of Zeta’s past are gonna be lurking here or something? They got kicked off a few years ago, they’re gone bro.”

Brad knew his fear was irrational, but it did not put him at ease. It could just be jitters or the cold, he thought.

“Alright, give me a beer and let’s go in.” Brad ordered.

“That’s the man I thought I pledged with! Let’s get fucked up. I wonder if they left some alcohol behind when they got kicked out?” Jack thought out loud. After finishing their beers, the guys entered the former Zeta house. They could still hear the bustle of College Ave as they walked in, but it quickly faded to the eeriest of silences.

“Damn, did they cut all heat to this place or something? I’m freezing.” proclaimed a shivering Jack. The cold only augmented Brad’s fears that something about this place seemed haunted. The house felt dead, but it was not the same peaceful dead one imagines death to be. This was a restless death, one that was somehow about to boil over. Like a beer left in a freezer, the frosty house seemed the catalyst for an explosion or release of some sort. But what could it possibly be? Brad pondered.

Then he heard a scream from Jack.

“Not Chill bro! Who the fuck are you?” Jack demanded.

It was too cold to describe the scream as chilling, but the distress and horror in Jack’s voice was evident. Quietly, Brad tip-toed toward Jack’s voice.

He had to cover his own mouth to stop himself from screaming.

In front of him stood the most monstrous frat bro he had ever seen. A mountainous 6 foot 7, the bro towered over Jack. He was whiter than the walls of a Rutgers Dorm, decked out from head to toe in Lacoste and Vineyard Vines. His polo snapback perfectly complemented his somewhat tattered Sperry’s.

Although he likely knew his fate was sealed, Jack courageously faced his silent adversary. He drew out his beer and prepared for the vital chug-off. In Brad and Jack’s world, to the winner of the chug-off goes the spoils, and to the loser goes swift death. If Jack lost, he would be executed by being forced to funnel 2 bottles of Everclear.

Jack counted to three, and the chug-off began.

Unfortunately for Jack, it was over before it started. As he guzzled down the last fateful drops of the Everclear, his opponent exited the scene. Although Jack was overcome with remorse for the death of his best friend, he swore that the body laying on the floor in front of him was not entirely lifeless.

“Jack. Wake up. Jack!” he begged. He peeled back Jack’s eyelids. His pupils appeared bright orange, like a new Keystone can. And somehow, some way, Brad knew there was life in them. Or, perhaps, that same restless death he noticed earlier.

It took a split-second for Brad to realize that Jack had grabbed him by the throat and had already started pouring Everclear into his mouth.