BY Ivan Yakinov
CLEVELAND— It only took him 6 hours and 9 minutes today, but Holden McGroin has finally come out of the closest, for about the 1,435th time in his life. McGroin, born with a chronic medical condition which makes him unable to make up his mind on anything, spends anywhere from 5-7 hours a day just deciding on what he’s going to wear.
McGroin’s wardrobe consists of only 2 badly stained white t-shirts, an XXXL size hand me down dress shirt from his late uncle, a blood stained wifebeater from his domestic violence case from 3 years ago, and a pair of early 2000s jorts. Despite the small selection and the fact that half of them probably don’t even fit him, he says choosing his outfit every day is a very difficult decision, even more difficult he says, than choosing whether he should masturbate or be productive for the day.
“So I’m in my closet naked, I close the doors, and start talking to the voices in my head. It’s a struggle every day. Do I wear my uncle’s dress shirt and look like the guy who lost the title of world’s fattest man? Or do I look like the guy who just paid off his bail bondsman and is getting ready to serve his time in the slammer?”
Due the large amount of time McGroin spends in his daily life in the closet, he has set up a makeshift bed made out of dirty old semen stained socks and has a huge shelf of adult diapers. From the moment McGroin discovered his condition, everyone has suspected him of being gay. His mom, dad, siblings, and friends are all convinced.
At this point, McGroin simply cannot do anything to convince anyone that he’s not gay. He even goes to extreme measures to try to prove it as well. “I insist to everyone I’m straight. Hell, I even showed my parents the totally straight tranny porn I jerk off too. I’ve been told many times that I’m faking my condition. But I assure you, my condition is real. It’s takes a whole another level of crazy to fake a condition and then show your parents your porn if it actually was fake.”
There’s a small chance McGroin’s condition can become terminal. But before that happens, he is convinced to make the most out of his life. He won’t let indecisiveness and anti-gay name calling get the best of him. That’s why he’s been at Home Depot right now for the past 5 hours trying to decide which shade of rainbows he wants to paint his closet.
BY Sue Denim
Gal That Fucks
NEW BRUNSWICK— After just three weeks into fall classes, Hayden Weiner came to the shocking realization that he is, in fact, be a lesbian. College is a time for discovery: Discovering who your friends are, what your interests are, and what you want to do with your life. For Mr. Weiner, it was discovering that he was actually a lesbian.
“I think I finally caught on to something during my second Gender, Culture, and Representation lecture. The professor was reading a story about a person who was attracted to females and I thought, ‘Hey that sounds a lot like me!’ Then she revealed that this person was a woman and I thought, ‘Oh my god. I’m a lesbian?!’” said Mr. Weiner.
The Rutgers LGBTQA+ community has reached out to Hayden and assured him that he was not the only freshman to undergo this life altering discovery, and that he will be accepted with open arms.
“It’s so strange. My whole life I’ve been attracted to girls and just assumed that meant I was heterosexual. I never even considered that this whole time I liked girls because I was lesbian,” said Mr. Weiner.
Professor Aubrey Hope -Fleming, the professor of that fateful lecture, has approached the Medium, explaining what she thinks the situation is.
“It is very common for students to come to this discovery about themselves in my classroom. I really try to get the students to rethink their view of sexuality. When I show a picture of a busty young broad on the projector to the enjoyment of many of the men in the audience, I want those men to be baffled when they find out that maybe they are actually women attracted to that young lady,” said Hope-Fleming.
The Women and Gender studies department has many resources and scientific papers that link college age men with late onset homosexuality.
“This is life changing for me. How will I ever be allowed in straight bars? Or take that dream vacation to Saudi Arabia?” said Weiner.
After some thought, Mr. Weiner has decided to embrace the change, and has since cut his hair six inches and has started wearing tucked in button down shirts, chinos, and loafers everywhere.
Have you ever sat in class with an emptiness in your gut, an aching in your groin, and your muscles quivering from the mornings workout? Leg Day or “Put it in My Ass Day,” as I like to call it, is dreaded by most gym bros, but to me the squat rack is my temple. Placing the bar on my upper back puts me into a trance. I dip low into the squat, imagining my sphincter being dipped in honey. Every exhale empties my life force into the atmosphere.
Hours later, I sit in class with blood flowing through my muscles; my breath keeping rhythm with my heartbeat. My mind recalls the glistening pecs of the man whose face I’d love to plunder with my rectum. The thought’s making my grundle pulse, teasing me of a time when my jeans fit comfortably.
I fidget in my chair desperately attempting to lend my ear to the bag of bones lecturing the class. His eyes like a window to the bluest of skies, curtained by the last remaining strands of his balding head. His voice evolves into a symphony whose notes were precisely chosen for my ears. I cannot refuse him. The inside of my mouth grows moist and my chest as tight as a newborns anus. I am drowning in my hunger for his bones. I need his skeletal fingers to part my ass cheeks like Moses did the Red Sea. His tongue be the Israelites upon my sea floor. I read his liver spots like a Rorschach test, he wants it too. My tongue grazes my lips in an attempt to taste his decaying flesh.
I stand from my chair, all eyes in the room gazing in awe in my direction. Murmurs from the crowd pollute his ancient symphony, which grows louder with every step toward his body. Beads of sweat accumulate on my forehead; my breath sharper and deeper. My mind knows of the sins I am committing, but all the blood in my body has rushed to my throbbing member. It’s leg day after all. I stand above his body, the silhouette of my cock pressed against my Levi jeans. I hear screams from the room as I embrace his beautiful head. A surge of fluid soils the blue of my jeans. My legs are weak and my body limp. The fog of leg day lust quickly disperses and I realize I am not in class, I am at my grandfather’s funeral.
BY Grind All
AMERICA—For the past year, America has been gripped by 2016 presidential election. The election has influenced countless think pieces on The Odyssey and thousands of social media statuses lamenting how terrible this whole election is.
It has also provided a great distraction for those recent college graduates and singles to divert the conversation away from their lack of employment or love life. Since its finale on Tuesday, the nation is completely confounded, aimless on what to complain about next. This seems to be especially important with the national holiday of Thanksgiving coming up.
“Thanksgiving is a time when everyone gets together and asks me when I’m gonna get fucking married,” said Oklahoma resident Harry Ferguson. “I used to be able to just say, ‘Hey what about that Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton thing?’ and then all the attention would be off of me.”
Thousands of Americans have been shown to share Ferguson’s sense of distress. A new poll conducted by CNN showed young Americans were seriously inconclusive on how to change the subject from their failing fledgling adult life at impending Thanksgiving gatherings. About 10% of Americans said they were considering going back to the always trusty Black Lives Matter movement or even the legality gay marriage. But a handful of Americans say their family has started to see through this diversion and may need to have something else to distract them.
“They know man,” said Ferguson. “I can’t keep distracting them with Black Lives Matter and other controversial shit.”
The Medium stands in solidarity with all those who will be asked about their lives this holiday season and encourages readership to find distracting conversation topics in next week’s issue.
By Paulie Valentine
Announced by the NCAA tuesday afternoon, Rutgers will add a Men’s gymnastics team. This initiative will create seven new coaching jobs and seventeen new scholar athletes. Rutgers joins Illinois, Iowa, Michigan, Minnesota, Ohio State, Penn State, Nebraska, all schools with Men’s Gymnastics.
“We as a program are very excited,” says female head coach Louis Levine. “Visibility of the sport of gymnastics is always good.”
Men’s gymnastics, on average has the highest amount of scholar athletes turned olympic athletes according to the NCAA. Rutgers is hoping to elevate the caliber of their scholar athletes starting with new recruits, according to Levine.
“This is a big jump for the Rutgers Athletic program,” said famed gymnast and coach Mary Lou Retton when asked at the Men’s B10 Championships last weekend, “A good men’s program always can grow a sports program.”
The new men’s program will practice in the use the same space as the girls team, in the Livingston Rec Center. The two teams will share the space until a new Gymnasium can be erected on Busch Campus.
“This is one of the most demanding sports ever,” said athletic director Pat Hobbs, “If we will be able to bring this caliber of athlete to this university, we can really change this program.”
The expansion will not need Rutgers to change the current recruitment system, according to Hobbs, “we have too many fucking faggots laying around this goddam campus. We need something to rally them together.”
The exponential influx of homosexual males on rutgers campus has become extremely apparent in the last year alone. New research by George Takei musky phallus shows a 700% increase in the average male on male sex on campus.
This rise is is due to the opening of a Andrew Christian store in the heart of George Street. Known for their assless underwear, for easy access for anal penetration.
Because of the rise in gay sex, there is a rise in how buff and masculine these men become.
Jonathan started as a 150 pound twink, and is now a 250 pound bear who only wears nasty pig underwear.
To succeed, the team will need to focus all of their energy on competitions, not on fucking each other’s brains out.