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Rutgers to Add Men’s Gymnastics to B1G Athletics Line Up
By Paulie Valentine
Editor-in-Chief
Announced by the NCAA tuesday afternoon, Rutgers will add a Men’s gymnastics team. This initiative will create seven new coaching jobs and seventeen new scholar athletes. Rutgers joins Illinois, Iowa, Michigan, Minnesota, Ohio State, Penn State, Nebraska, all schools with Men’s Gymnastics.
“We as a program are very excited,” says female head coach Louis Levine. “Visibility of the sport of gymnastics is always good.”
Men’s gymnastics, on average has the highest amount of scholar athletes turned olympic athletes according to the NCAA. Rutgers is hoping to elevate the caliber of their scholar athletes starting with new recruits, according to Levine.
“This is a big jump for the Rutgers Athletic program,” said famed gymnast and coach Mary Lou Retton when asked at the Men’s B10 Championships last weekend, “A good men’s program always can grow a sports program.”
The new men’s program will practice in the use the same space as the girls team, in the Livingston Rec Center. The two teams will share the space until a new Gymnasium can be erected on Busch Campus.
The expansion will not need Rutgers to change the current recruitment system, according to Hobbs, “we have too many fucking faggots laying around this goddam campus. We need something to rally them together.”
The exponential influx of homosexual males on rutgers campus has become extremely apparent in the last year alone. New research by George Takei musky phallus shows a 700% increase in the average male on male sex on campus.
This rise is is due to the opening of a Andrew Christian store in the heart of George Street. Known for their assless underwear, for easy access for anal penetration.
Because of the rise in gay sex, there is a rise in how buff and masculine these men become.
Jonathan started as a 150 pound twink, and is now a 250 pound bear who only wears nasty pig underwear.
To succeed, the team will need to focus all of their energy on competitions, not on fucking each other’s brains out.
The Best Tacos in New Brunswick: An Inside Beat Meat Investigastion
BY Mames Jullen
Food Guru
The Rutgers community and tacos go together like peanut butter and jelly. It can be hard to decide where to go with all of the options in New Brunswick. Here at The Daily Medium, we’ve put together a comprehensive analysis of all the best taco places in town at every level of cultural appropriation!
Let’s start off our culinary journey with the brand new Tacoria on Easton Avenue. This contemporary hole-in-the-wall eatery gives a very modern, Brooklyn hipster vibe. It’s by far the best place in town to get tacos if you’re planning on voting for Donald Trump. The food is delicious, and the “spicy” chicken is still mild enough for the whitest taco lovers around.
The hilariously named “Criminals and Tacos,” is another place where the drunk kids of College Avenue can get their taco fix—though it could close down any day now because I don’t think anyone has ever eaten there. Actually, scratch this one off the list. Nobody eats there.
If you want to taste some of the New Brunswick’s authentic Mexican cuisine, you may want to wander down over to French street to get a taste of Cinco De Mayo! Beware, however, because Cinco De Mayo is an actual Mexican restaurant in a Hispanic neighborhood! While a delicious place to eat, it may be a bit unnerving for some of our seasoning-wary readers (white people).
So no matter whether you actually love tacos and authentic Mexican food, or you just want to eat some satisfying drunk food without having to listen to that damn Spanish music in the background, New Brunswick has a place for you!
Rutgers Lands No. 1 Recruit Dylan Moses
By Andrew Blustein
Sports Editor
Chris Ash has done it.
Seemingly out of nowhere, Dylan Moses signed on the dotted line yesterday, officially committing to Rutgers.
Ash was introduced as head coach just over two months ago, and already has proved his worth.
Moses played outside linebacker and running back for IMG Academy in Bradenton, Florida. He is set to bring his versatile skill set and 4.57 40-yard dash time to Piscataway.
Moses is a big get. He is the consensus top high school prospect, and was heavily recruited by LSU, Michigan and Texas. All signs pointed to him signing with Alabama, but Ash swooped in and snagged 6-foot-2 athlete at the eleventh hour.
“This is exactly the kind of splash we wanted to make,” said Ash at a press conference publicizing the commitment. “This is the first step in making this program a powerhouse.”
Ash added Moses will play full time at outside linebacker and will likely start the first game of the season, but said the team may have some trick plays in store with him at running back.
Last year, Rutgers finished with a record of 4-8, but went 1-7 in conference. Other players are excited to have Moses join to help boost the team’s record.
“I look forward to seeing what this guy can do,” said fifth-year senior defensive lineman Darius Hamilton. “He just needs to come in here with a good attitude. I hope he knows what he’s getting himself into.”
Moses, who posted an impressive 4.13 20-yard shuttle run time, took to Twitter and said, “Blessed! Cant wait 2 c what RU has in store fo me.”
Moses, like other freshman, may be surprised when they see what college football life is like.
Hamilton also mentioned hazing, and said he was brutally hazed his freshman year. Seniors apparently touched his “no-no area” and laughed at his “training bra titties”.
As per tradition, most teams haze incoming freshman, but the football team has a reputation of being particularly cruel and intense.
“I’m excited to play for Coach Ash and Rutgers, and I know I’ll take a few lumps my freshman year,” said Moses after he signed. “I already shaved my asshole as preparation. I know there will be a lot of butt stuff.”
According to a source close with the team, one hazing ritual involves upperclassmen forcing freshmen to use their new teammates’ buttocks as kicking tees by placing a football on their anus. Reportedly, the three players with the shortest kicks must prance around Highpoint Solutions Stadium naked and say, “I’m a little fairy.”
Chris Christie to be Named New Defensive Coordinator for Rutgers Football
BY Henry Chen
Copy Editor
Rutgers began its search for a new defensive coordinator after cleaning house this offseason in an attempt to challenge Big Ten foes.
In a public statement, new Director of Athletics Pat Hobbs shared his thoughts on who could help head coach Chris Ash.
“Get us somebody who can really stop an offense. Really make it like they’re not even there, you know?”
Ash immediately got to work contacting the one person he knew fit the description Hobbs provided. Worried he would succumb to the dreaded Rutgers Football coach curse and lose his job before it started, Ash quickly found the man who would save his job: New Jersey Governor Chris Christie.
Christie immediately accepted, and he spoke with The Medium about how he will fair at his new job.
“Well obviously this is no leisurely drive over a bridge on the first day of school; we’re talking about full and able football teams here. We’re going to have to get creative.”
Christie then went into detail about some of his plans, including inciting air traffic controller strikes.
College football analysts now see Rutgers as a soon-to-be Beast of the East. Rece Davis of College GameDay is interested to learn more about a Rutgers program that went 4-8 last season.
“It’s no secret that Christie likes to be a part of the bandwagon and join the winning team. There must be something he sees in this program that no one else can.”
Rutgers knows that having the support of its fans is just as important as bringing in quality players and coaches. Luckily, with the hiring of Christie, the same Lebron-esque bandwagoners will be on the Knights’ side once kick-off time rolls around.
With Christie, Rutgers can truly be B1G.
Beats On The Banks!
Dance Marathon & Me
I kept a detailed log of my experiences at RU Dance Marathon. Here are the highlights:
Horoscopes
BY Traitorous Gumball
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – Finishing other people’s sentences will be easy to do today, you’re so in sync with the folks you’ll be working with. Unfortunately, just because it is easy, doesn’t mean it is wise. Finishing other people’s sentences is both rude and creepy. Speak for yourself, and only for yourself.
Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20) – If you’re dealing with a group of people today, try to push your own agenda a little bit more forcefully than you normally would. Especially if it is sexual or academic in nature. Preferably, have sex with everything you need to learn about. You haven’t lived until you’ve came into a tree.
Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19) – You have been putting the needs of others before yourself for too long. Ergo, today, you must focus on yourself, and do whatever you please. Sleep through your class! Attach a piece of buttered toast, buttered side up, to a cat and throw it out your window to see what happens! Burn your professors house to the ground! The possibilities are endless!
Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20) – Be careful not to overdo things today. Give your girlfriend a rose. Eat half of your meal, especially if it’s from Brower or Wendy’s. Go to the gym, but leave at the first sign of sweat. Who needs competence in their daily life?
Gemini (May 21-June 21) – A small snag could make you lose your temper today.Try not to do anything that could set you off. Unfortunately, since Rutgers is incompetent to a fault, the only real way to keep your cool is to avoid society and hide in your room all day, like you did as a child when mom brought over her friends that drank heavily and smelled like asparagus.
Cancer (June 22-July 22) – You need to take care of issues around your home today.Meaning, you need to clean those month old beer bottles. And the mold in theshower isn’t attractive. And if you have a double, you need to dispose of yourroommate, because where you live isn’t truly home until you have a bedroom to yourself.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – Today, some people will agree with you, and some will not. If you are a liberal, it is your duty to silence those who do not agree with you by any means necessary. Your roommate thinks you don’t take out the trash enough? Knock him out. Mom thinks you drink too much? Knock her out. If you are a conservative, ignore those who do not agree with you and move on with your life.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – Be wary of people who are pushing you to make a big purchase today. Especially if these people are affiliated with Rutgers. If you are asked to donate to shady causes, or to buy a parking pass you do not need, just remember that as a college student, you likely have less than $50 dollars to your name.
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Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – The power balance in one of your more complicated relationships is starting to be an issue. You will see signs of power loss, such as your significant other finally standing up for themselves. Or maybe you’re strong enough to fight back when your dad decides to beat you with the jumper cables again.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – You cannot take popular opinion seriously, right now. Donald Trump is the republican front-runner. The Wii U is dead last in the console wars, even though the Xbox One exists. Rap is the most popular type of music. Go against popular opinions, because the majority of them are unambiguously stupid.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) -Today, your presence at work will be required by a group of important people who are looking for a solution. Unfortunately, you are unlikely to have any ideas. Your only hope of success is to state the first thing that comes to mind when asked, regardless of how ridiculous it is.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – Do you think that the people who are in positions of authority over your life are not interested in what you have to say right now? You’re probably right, you’re likely too insignificant for your opinions to matter. Ergo, you should disregard people in authority and instead do whatever your heart desires.
Rutgers to Build Wall to Keep Out International Students
By Caillou
Trash Writer
As of Tuesday, April 5, the Rutgers Board of Governors has approved a Barchi-advocated proposal to build a thirty-foot wall around the campuses to keep out international students, sources report. Students, faculty members, and alumni have come out on either side of the issue.
“Look, I know foreign students. I love foreign students and they love me. They do. But they’re killing us. They’re taking all our scholarships. That’s why we need to build this wall,” Barchi announced. “I’m sorry, it’s true. It’s just horrible right now. The number of foreign students here is anywhere between 5% and 16.7%. I wouldn’t go to a school like that. You can ask anyone. And believe me; no one, and I mean no one, will help make this school great again like I will. I’ll build a wall. A great wall; beautiful wall. You’re gonna love this wall, I tell ya. And the people I work with? They’re all idiots. I’d like to congratulate them on their hard work, but I can’t. They’re the worst. We’ll build this wall.”
Professor of Jewish Studies Ernie Landers has spoken out in vehement opposition to President Barchi’s wall and many of his other policies as well. “One percent of the Rutgers student body…receives 99 percent of the scholarships,” Landers shouts as his hands impersonate a car-dealership’s wacky-inflatable-tube-man. “Look, I want to break up the football team and redistribute the wealth back to the students. I’m the only professor here who doesn’t have a grant. I’m telling ya, President Barchi has no idea what he’s talking about. There is no way this wall will ever happen.”
Even with Professor Landers’ opposition, President Barchi’s wall has been gaining support among students and faculty. “Yah, this Barchi guy: I’m a fan of what he’s doing now,” said Jim Bobby Jr. in that southern drawl that can only be replicated by those with seven generations of incest in their recent ancestry. “He’s not afraid to speak his mind, unlike those damn math majors with their funny words. And when he says that the internationals are stealing our scholarships and killing our squirrels and raping our sorority sisters…Well, I just don’t see no reason to not believe him, ya hear?”
His opponents are still vocal and many. “Honestly, if President Barchi gets his way, I’m totally transferring to somewhere in Canada,” stated freshman Amanda Weiner, who lacks the money and confidence to ever transfer to Canada. “He’s totally getting out of control. He panders to the dumbest people, like the dance majors and the football students. It’s just disgusting.”
For reference on the legality of the proposed wall, another contact was reached. According to sources in her office, law school professor Dr. Minton just wants everyone to like her and she’s already just like you and me and everyone else.
Rutgers to Pilot Mandatory Expos II Requirement
By Adam Romatowski
Business Manager
Following a recent study on GRE testing scores across Rutgers, the School of Arts and Sciences has announced plans to pilot a new core curriculum centered around helping students prepare for future graduate careers. The study, conducted by Rutgers Office of Research and Sponsored Programs in partnership with the American Educational Research Association (AERA), focuses around the Analytical Writing and Verbal Reasoning sections of the GRE, and compares former Rutgers yearly averages with those of other schools in the Big10 along with PAC10 and Ivy League schools. The findings showed that despite producing strong Verbal Reasoning scores, Rutgers students ranked below comparable schools in terms of Analytical Writing, ranking only above the University of Oregon and Indiana University.
With these finding, the University Senate leaders along with Karen R. Stubaus, Vice President of Academic Affairs and Administration, has announced a new three-year pilot plan through the School of Arts and Sciences to improve these scores, centered around the addition of a new mandatory Expository Writing II requirement for graduation effective next Fall.
“When we saw the data on our students’ GRE scores, we accepted that we were not taking a strong enough approach to preparing our students for this test, and therefore graduate level research and writing,” stated Stubaus at last Friday’s Senate meeting. “More and more students are applying to graduate school programs. We must do our very best to prepare them for graduate school and the competitive workforce they will face afterwards.”
The three-year program would begin with SAS students who are 32 credits or fewer away from graduating being required to take the Expository Writing II class, following up on the “Expos I” class already required by the majority of all first-year students.
“They are all fucking stupid. So fuck ‘em and make them suffer in their last semester with Expos II,” shouted Vice Chancellor of New Brunswick Richard Edwards as he pulled out a cigarette from his blazer. “We lower our goddamn standards to let in more of these prissy privileged cocks and despite playing the numbers, they still can’t make us look good academically!” When asked what this means for the Camden and Newark campuses, Edwards added: “They are already a lost fucking cause. No way they ever get into a good graduate school, so let’s just pretend they don’t exist like usual.”
The Medium 