Tag Archives: Food

Not a Single Food is Good For You, New Research Suggests

BY Food Man Chew
Senior Analist

OXFORD, U.K.— A series of studies recently conducted at the Oxford University Health and Nutrition Center revealed a shocking fact; that despite decades of studies advocating the consumption of fruits, vegetables, and proteins in moderation for a balanced diet, none of these foods are in fact healthy at all.

Despite reports over the last few years praising the health benefits of foods like Greek yogurt, dark chocolate, wheatgrass, ginger toot, and agave, consumers can no longer trust their safety, and are recommended to avoid them at all costs.

DISGUSTING If you’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, you will die a gruesome death

This research took place after years of published studies which had already condemned all forms of red meats, corn syrups, and non-legume milk products just to name a few. The study involved force-feeding excessive amount of so-called ‘health foods’ such as kale, acai berry, and flax seeds via a funnel. In each case, however, involuntary participants began convulsing or experiencing unexpected fecal release. This mirrors a similar study conducted by the University of Phoenix which concluded the health risks of eating solid foods, wherein strapped-down participants had difficulty swallowing spoonfuls of quinoa and chia seed which were force-fed to them by an angry German woman.

“We are always looking to find the next superfood,” explains Anne Scymanski, Head of Research at Oxford Nutrition Center, “but this new data suggests we’re going to need to wait just a bit longer to find it.”

As for what foods scientists do recommend, researchers at the Food and Drug Administration have been developing a nutrition bar which contains no carbohydrates, protein, fats, or any other pesky ingredients typically snuck into the worst of our health offenders. Until this project is complete, however, readers are urged to find alternative approaches, such as intravenous injection, fasting, and photosynthesis.

We Should Stop Calling it Chinese Food

BY Allison Emmerlyallison.png

China is a vast diverse land with different dialects, races of dragons and most importantly-some would argue-different styles of food. Yet, somehow, we Americans think it is totally acceptable to lump all types of food into one category as Chinese food.

It is wholly ignorant to characterize all of the rich delicacies, from the Tibetan Plateau to the Yellow Sea, as one type of cuisine. This type of overgeneralization fails to recognize the rich intricacies of a dish and denies attribution of the food to its heritage-say between a Mongolian beef, with its notes of garlic and ginger, and a Hunan beef, with its trademark hints of Thai chili. It would be a crime to neglect different flavor profiles created by the artisanal vinegar common in Shandong dishes compared to the common use of garlic in Cantonese dishes.

By lumping them all into one category, you are insulting each region and each culinary history. Would it ever be acceptable to group the unique elements that make up New England clam chowder and New Orleans gumbo and categorize them as American soups? Hell no! It’s time we take aim at this uninformed and somewhat racist approach to food taxonomy. I will no longer order from my local chinese restaurant until they change titles to “insert Chinese region here” restaurant, no matter how delicious their Egg foo young is, nor until they accurately follow the recipe for Kung Pao chicken and add both peanuts and authentic Shaoxing wine and I encourage you to do the same. This blatant whitewashing has gone on for too long and we must take a stand where it matters: at the take-out box.

5 Pieces of Advice from a Guy Struggling to Open a Jar of Pickles

1) Take it easy on yourself
“Congrats, you got through college. Whoop tee doo. So, yeah go ahead and take a break. Just remember that things will catch up to you, and if your biceps aren’t prepared you could be caught in unfortunate situations. *hugh*

2) Work hard
*grunt* “Look, life won’t take it easy on you. In fact, your life is just going to get harder from here. The trick is to always look at the future and the benefits that your work will eventually achieve, like a nice juicy pickle.”

3) Work out biceps
“You had a free gym membership for 4 years and I can bet my prized horseshoe crab that you didn’t take that opportunity, you sad sack. Well you better get to work, son.” *FUCK!*

4) Prepare for disappointment
“There will be times when you will be working hard and nobody will appreciate what you’ve done. But you gotta keep at it, because someone has to put pickles on the table for the family”

5) Keep your mind open to alternatives
*HUUUUURGH* “Sometimes, things just aren’t going to work out. You have to learn to let things go and try something else” *FUCK!* *DICK!* *ASS!*


BY Yagnesh Patelyagnesh

I should not be alive. I seriously should not be alive, but here I am. I am a risk taker, and this weekend I took a risk that was incredibly dumb. I snuck silverware into Medieval Times. I’m guilty of this transgression but do not hold it against me, it was on a dare. My friend Daniel said to me, “Dude, bring silverware in or you’re a total fucking pussy,” so I did it.

It was terrifying, and such an adrenaline rush. The King came out and he scanned the audience, I swear he stopped and stared at me for a moment, he could totally sense that I was carrying a 4 tined eating implement. When dinner came around, I snuck out my fork and dug in. Multiple times I swear a squire came around and looked at me, and I had to hide it on my person. But I survived, I escaped that hell castle with a full stomach and with my fork in hand, with an extended middle finger, a fuck you to the forkless king, and with blood rushing all throughout me. I felt like I had just skydived off a cliff while jerking off. I felt ALIVE!

Sandwich At Point Where Next Bite in Serious Question

Walter Cronkite Jr
Just Another Jew

LIVINGSTON, NJ—A sandwich at the Livingston Mall was recently found to be eaten to a confusing point, where there was no clear spot for a next bite.

Security footage surfaced Tuesday morning of Tom Harrelson, 37, ordering a Burger King Crispy Chicken Sandwich at the mall’s food court. Halfway through eating the sandwich, there was no clear spot for a next bite, as it had now come to a perplexing half-moon shape.

The security footage showed there was only bun and wilted lettuce on each side of the sandwich, commonly known as the “bailout bite”, making a nosh there pointless and dissatisfying. The footage also showed Harrelson contemplating a bite slightly off-center on either side, but he nixed the idea as that strategy likely would have slid the mayonnaise-coated ingredients off the buns, seriously compromising the structural integrity of the sandwich and future finger-tip cleanliness, as the sandwich would have needed to be rearranged.

“I thought I was doing a good job up to that point, leaving myself clear spots to take my next bite as I went along,” Harrelson told reporters. “Then, out of nowhere, I didn’t know what to do next. In the middle was such a tantalizing bite; everything in the sandwich surrounded a nice meaty morsel of chicken. But you never bite right into the middle when the sandwich is in a semi-circle like that. That’s nonsense.”

According to multiple eye witnesses who corroborated Harrelson’s statement , the only satisfying bite on the sandwich was one taken from right in the middle.

“That was the only clear choice,” said Pamela Robertson, who rewarded herself with some Cinnabon BonBites after a long day of thinking about buying clothing only to leave a wake of unfolded, disheveled racks and displays in her path. “At that point you have to just go for it. That one bite will slightly push everything back into place, and you’ll be home free.”

After about 25 seconds of examining the sandwich and attempted prodding and squeezing to move the ingredients around, Harrelson took a bite from the middle.

“I had to do it,” said Harrelson. “I knew the risks, but it was worth it.”

Harrelson came out with slightly-embarrassing globs of mayonnaise on both sides of his mouth, as there was no way of avoiding direct face-to-sandwich contact after such a bite. The security footage showed him fumbling for napkins with one hand while using the other to hold the chicken sandwich by his mouth as cover.

“I’m not necessarily proud of it, but I did what I had to do,” said Harrelson, who’s sandwich was now in equilibrium. “I was just happy to have clear spots to take my bites again. That’s all that matters. Today is a learning lesson. I’m glad I came out of this okay.”

That day’s security footage did not show any other sandwiches at similar critical junctures, but this kind of predicament has happened before, according to mall security.

“We’re doing all we can,” said Randall Jeffers, head of mall security. “We’re currently devising a plan to stop this from ever happening again, but we are coming up against many challenges. As of now, we will continue to educate our mall patrons with flyers in the food court detailing the proper technique of eating a sandwich.”

University Issues Recall On Lead-Containing Water Bottles

BY Sifat Mahbub

An outbreak of lead poisoning has prompted Rutgers Dining Services has issued a recall on all reusable water bottles. The water bottles were distributed this semester to every student with a meal plan as part of an effort to reduce waste, as styrofoam cups are no longer available for takeout. However, following the hospitalization of multiple Rutgers students, the university has requested that all bottles be returned immediately.

Initial reports of lead poisoning began about one month ago, when freshman Nicole Walters was rushed to Robert Wood Johnson Hospital after complaining of severe abdominal pains. Once admitted, several tests concluded that the young woman had a high level of lead in her blood, and has been in the intensive care unit since. The physicians were not too concerned until 20 more students were admitted in the following weeks with symptoms similar to Walters. After questioning the students and ruling out possible causes of the poisonings, RWJ reached out to Rutgers in order to inform them of the situation.

The decision to recall the water bottles came once Rutgers officials admitted that the bottles were not made of aluminum but rather an aluminum lead alloy.

Due to the rising costs of aluminum, the university reportedly wanted to save money and opted to for the alloy bottles. While lead is much cheaper to produce and buy, longterm exposure to the metal is risky and is often avoided altogether.

When asked for a comment, President Barchi stated, “We deeply regret our ill-informed decision regarding the water bottles. We wish the students a speedy recovery and are sending them positive vibes. However, can you really blame us for wanting to save money? Do you fucking see how much money we lose every year because of football? We have a $30 million football deficit just so some illiterate douchebags can throw a ball, lose games, and fuck naive freshmen. Sometimes you gotta make sacrifices.”

The University will be placing receptacles all around the campuses in the next few days, in order to collect the water bottles. As for the students who have been suffering from the poisonings, they are still in the ICU at Robert Wood Johnson, and doctors say they will soon be dead.

A Review of the Knight Wagon Knight Stixs

BY Fui von Wiwiifui.png

Have you ever tasted the ocean floor? The coral reefs slowly waving through the tides, schools of fish carry your shape through forests of seaweed, down into caves bursting with the primordial lights of the ancient sea dwellers. You let the current take you across the seven seas, where wonder and beauty never seem to be a rarity. You meet the oldest bubble in the universe, who allows you to become you’re true self, as you wade across seashells that have witnessed instances of true love.

Have you ever tasted the sky? The clouds softly drift you across the atmosphere, the sun encouraging you to see the world from her point of view. She gingerly lifts your soul from out of your shell, allowing you to soar into the heavens. From the edge of the world, you watch her set behind the edge of the planet, while particles from the sun penetrate the Earth’s magnetic field, setting the atmosphere ablaze in strides of blue and the hue of fall, as your conscience gradually recedes into the speckled sky to teach the universe about true happiness.

Have you ever tasted the Knight Wagon Knight Stixs? Well they’re pretty tight. More of a dessert than breakfast, but an easy 7/10 in my books.