Tag Archives: Food

On-Campus Restaurants Ranked by Quality of Chicken Tenders

By Heywood Jablomi

Poultry Pincher


Everyone loves chicken tenders, they’re a college dining staple. Relatively cheap, full of protein, friend, and best of all, made of mankind’s greatest foe, the chicken. But where can you get the best chicken tenders? That’s what I’m here to tell you. Here’s my ranking of every venue where you can get chicken tenders on campus, except for Cook-Douglass because I remain unconvinced that C/D actually exists.


  1. RU Hungry: I might be cheating a little bit, because this isn’t so much the quality of the tenders so much as the context of the tenders. Part of it is the sandwich they come in: you can get chicken tenders just about anywhere, but here’s the only place where you can get them in a hoagie alongside french fries, mozzarella sticks, and marinara sauce. Also, when do you get RU Hungry? Only when you’re stoned or fucking starving. Everything tastes better when you’re stoned or fucking starving. It’s not just about the meat, my friends. RU Hungry has decent tenders, but they know how to sell them so they’re fantastic
  2. King Pita Palace: You’re probably thinking, Heywood you idiot, this place has Middle Eastern food! Why are you getting chicken from here? Well, one day Wendy’s had a half hour line that spiraled all the way from the front of their kiosk all the way through the tables and out to the bathrooms. There wasn’t even a sale or anything, it was just 12:55 and all the 11:30 classes had just let out. So I went to King Pita because I saw they had chicken tenders and my god, they were even better than Wendy’s. So crisp, so golden, so warm, and almost no waiting.
  3. Wendy’s: Almost as good as King Pita, and you can get a frosty with it, but they just don’t compare. They’ve got some good seasoning, and that goes double for their fries, but it’s rarely worth the wait. If you want something to eat now and something before class, then maybe get a sandwich and take the tendies for the road, but other than that, just go right next door.
  4. Woody’s: I’ll be honest, I’ve only managed to get this deep into Busch twice without succumbing to the geese and having to run away or get rescued, but back when I was on a meal plan, the chicken almost made it worth the trip. If you’re nearby, I’d definitely recommend it, and if you’re not, take something along to take care of the geese. Those tenders will make a sweet victory meal if you make survive, though.
  5. Henry’s: $8.50 for six tenders?? They take meal swipes, sure, but if you’re not on a meal plan this is probably your budget for the next day and a half. If you’re willing to spend that much, just get a fat sandwich instead, at least that will feed you for a weekend. I don’t even care how good they are at this point, it doesn’t matter if they taste the same way riding an empty LX feels, I’ll never in my life be able to afford them.
  6. The Rock Cafe: I have a tray of them right next to me and they gave me clinical depression. If you’re in the area just get some breakfast food or a grilled cheese or a burger, those are all just fine, but this chicken is just limp, lukewarm sadness in old batter with a bad aftertaste and worse mouthfeel. I regret my entire night after eating these, and now wish to go to sleep and hope tomorrow may be a better day.

What to do with all those Thanksgiving Leftovers

It’s almost a week past Thanksgiving and you still have a fridge packed with turkey, stuffing and all of the other Thanksgiving fixings. Chances are, you won’t be able to eat it all, so here are some other things you can do with the leftovers so you don’t have to contribute to the global food waste problem.


  1. Cranberry sauce as an air freshener-after a couple days, cranberry sauce will stiffen a little bit making it the ideal texture for an all-natural, non-toxic scent diffuser.  There is nothing to keep the holiday spirit up like the scent of rotting cranberries diffusing throughout your house. Add a sprig of mint to elevate the aroma to the next level.
  2. Sweet potato casserole as a face mask-the creamier the potatoes, the better the consistency for a moisturizing face mask full of nutrients.  The sweet potatoes will brighten your skin with essential Vitamin A that will strengthen your immune system and promote your vision.
  3. Stuffing as insulation-it’s almost winter time and that means the heat bills are going to hike up soon.  Do yourself a favor and use that extra stuffing as insulation for your house. It’s a great use of resources and the critters between the walls will appreciate the holiday meal staple as well.
  4. Turkey as toilet paper-for some reason, turkey is the star of the day even though it usually comes out too dry for anyone to enjoy.  Well now we can make the most of one of its quintessential features by using leftover turkey as toilet paper. Stop wasting trees and treat your backside to a more luxurious, substantial product.

Area Man not Worried About Romaine Recall, Doesn’t Even Eat Salad

By Throbin Williams
Pretending to be a nanny


Last week the FDA issued a country-wide recall on romaine lettuce, but New Brunswick man Mark Roskie, 22, hasn’t been affected at all. His secret? He doesn’t eat salad. At all.

“When I first heard about the recall I didn’t even have to think about whether I was exposed to the E. coli,” Roskie said “because I don’t even eat salad.”

Roskie largely sustains himself off sandwiches from Kilmer’s Market, pizza from Sbarro, or the hot bar at the dining hall. Lettuce plays almost no part in the college senior’s diet. The outbreak, which has affected more than 30 people in 11 states has almost no way to get to Roskie.

“Yeah, some sandwiches at Kilmer’s have lettuce on them. But I’m not really sure what kind of lettuce goes on what because I don’t eat it. And I don’t order those anyway. I usually just get takeout.”

The takeout he’s referring to is the to-go option at Rutgers’ dining halls and mainly consists of fried foods like mac and cheese bites, chicken nuggets, onion rings, and fries. The “unhealthy” food that is carefully rationed to each student by a dining hall employee has virtually no chance of coming into contact with romaine lettuce.

“I actually don’t think I’ve ever eaten more than like, a quarter of a salad. If the food is taking a long time at a restaurant I’ll eat the croutons and maybe pick at the lettuce, but I really never touch the stuff otherwise.”

Food scientists at Rutgers New Brunswick have reported that this is the first time that people who don’t eat salad are healthier than those who do. Researching professor Esther Byrnes made time to comment in between her vomiting and diarrhea.

“I’m feeling very ill ever since I ate at SaladWorks last week. But people who don’t buy in to all this health stuff and aren’t actively trying to live forever may actually live longer than those of us who eat lettuce. I haven’t left my bathroom in six days and am incredibly dehydrated.”

At press time, Roskie was seen devouring a slice of roman style pizza, a breadstick and an orange soda with no ice in the Livi Student Center, with no vegetable in sight.

College Recipe Guide: Roast Beast

Step 1: Travel to the land where the beast lives
Step 2: Track the beast by following foot prints and scents
Step 3: Approach the beast’s lair
Step 4: Coax the beast out with a blend of herbs and spices, saving half your bag for later
Step 5: Slay the beast with the harpoon that has been passed down through your family for ages in anticipation of this quest
Step 6: Carve yourself a large chunk of leg meat from the beast
Step 7: Build medium-small fire log cabin style
Step 8: Place large flat stone atop the burning wood
Step 9: Season chunk of leg meat with reamaining herbs and spices
Step 10: Sear on hot side of the rock
Step 11: Cook until medium rare on cooler side of the rock 3-5 min
Step 12: Drizzle with olive oil and sprinkle with crushed nuts
Step 13: Pair with a glass of beast blood and serve with parsley

5 Thanksgiving Side Dishes That Will Start a Political Debate Between Your Family

This Thanksgiving, use this list to figure out what dishes you shouldn’t bring if you want a nice, peaceful, apolitical family meal.

Brussels Sprouts with Bacon – Despite the bacon attempting to save this dish, bringing brussels sprouts to the meal will definitely lead to Uncle Jeff bringing up Brussels, the de facto capital of the EU, and why Brexit was necessary to get out of the tangled mess of laws that are forcing large economies to hold up unimportant countries and the bacon just reminds Jeff of the migrant situation that the EU is facing.

Butternut Squash – Seriously? BUTTerNUT squash? Skip bringing this to the meal unless you want to hear Uncle Glen go off again on why “The Gays don’t deserve rights and what they’re doing in their bedrooms when they sodomize each other is unholy.” Last year he immediately followed that by going out to his Ford F-150 and sitting at the dessert table caressing his shotgun. For your mother’s sanity, just don’t bring this.

Couscous Risotto – You thought it would be fun to do an alternative to regular risotto, but of course Aunt Kathy, a postal worker, sees the Middle-Eastern origin of this dish and will absolutely go off on how all Muslims are terrorists who try to send anthrax and bombs through the mail. She spent the majority of last year insisting that the entire family should eat only pork to stick it to those “Halal fucks.” Her words, not mine. Good thing you didn’t bring Fariba, your new Muslim girlfriend this year.

Dulce De Leche – Here goes Uncle Glen again, Glen, a foreman at the local manufacturing plant is immediately going to launch into a tirade about getting “These god-damn job stealing Mexicans out of his country and plant.” Cinco cervezas deep, Glen, who has no problem drinking Corona, is going to keep going on about how Mexican desserts have no place in this country as long as his heart is pumping and his blood is red like an American.

Tofurkey – Your newly Vegan cousin tried to bring one of these last year, insisting everyone should try it while talking about why Christopher Columbus was a genocidal monster, and that the pilgrims were rapists who took the land of the Native Americans without giving them anything in return, besides syphillis. In response, Grandpa Walter turned to your parents yelling, “I can’t believe you two are paying for her to go to Vassar and get her mind filled with this liberal bullshit. Back in my day, it was called Thanksgiving because they liked it.”