This Thanksgiving, use this list to figure out what dishes you shouldn’t bring if you want a nice, peaceful, apolitical family meal.
Brussels Sprouts with Bacon – Despite the bacon attempting to save this dish, bringing brussels sprouts to the meal will definitely lead to Uncle Jeff bringing up Brussels, the de facto capital of the EU, and why Brexit was necessary to get out of the tangled mess of laws that are forcing large economies to hold up unimportant countries and the bacon just reminds Jeff of the migrant situation that the EU is facing.
Butternut Squash – Seriously? BUTTerNUT squash? Skip bringing this to the meal unless you want to hear Uncle Glen go off again on why “The Gays don’t deserve rights and what they’re doing in their bedrooms when they sodomize each other is unholy.” Last year he immediately followed that by going out to his Ford F-150 and sitting at the dessert table caressing his shotgun. For your mother’s sanity, just don’t bring this.
Couscous Risotto – You thought it would be fun to do an alternative to regular risotto, but of course Aunt Kathy, a postal worker, sees the Middle-Eastern origin of this dish and will absolutely go off on how all Muslims are terrorists who try to send anthrax and bombs through the mail. She spent the majority of last year insisting that the entire family should eat only pork to stick it to those “Halal fucks.” Her words, not mine. Good thing you didn’t bring Fariba, your new Muslim girlfriend this year.
Dulce De Leche – Here goes Uncle Glen again, Glen, a foreman at the local manufacturing plant is immediately going to launch into a tirade about getting “These god-damn job stealing Mexicans out of his country and plant.” Cinco cervezas deep, Glen, who has no problem drinking Corona, is going to keep going on about how Mexican desserts have no place in this country as long as his heart is pumping and his blood is red like an American.
Tofurkey – Your newly Vegan cousin tried to bring one of these last year, insisting everyone should try it while talking about why Christopher Columbus was a genocidal monster, and that the pilgrims were rapists who took the land of the Native Americans without giving them anything in return, besides syphillis. In response, Grandpa Walter turned to your parents yelling, “I can’t believe you two are paying for her to go to Vassar and get her mind filled with this liberal bullshit. Back in my day, it was called Thanksgiving because they liked it.”
OXFORD, U.K.— A series of studies recently conducted at the Oxford University Health and Nutrition Center revealed a shocking fact; that despite decades of studies advocating the consumption of fruits, vegetables, and proteins in moderation for a balanced diet, none of these foods are in fact healthy at all.
Despite reports over the last few years praising the health benefits of foods like Greek yogurt, dark chocolate, wheatgrass, ginger toot, and agave, consumers can no longer trust their safety, and are recommended to avoid them at all costs.
This research took place after years of published studies which had already condemned all forms of red meats, corn syrups, and non-legume milk products just to name a few. The study involved force-feeding excessive amount of so-called ‘health foods’ such as kale, acai berry, and flax seeds via a funnel. In each case, however, involuntary participants began convulsing or experiencing unexpected fecal release. This mirrors a similar study conducted by the University of Phoenix which concluded the health risks of eating solid foods, wherein strapped-down participants had difficulty swallowing spoonfuls of quinoa and chia seed which were force-fed to them by an angry German woman.
“We are always looking to find the next superfood,” explains Anne Scymanski, Head of Research at Oxford Nutrition Center, “but this new data suggests we’re going to need to wait just a bit longer to find it.”
As for what foods scientists do recommend, researchers at the Food and Drug Administration have been developing a nutrition bar which contains no carbohydrates, protein, fats, or any other pesky ingredients typically snuck into the worst of our health offenders. Until this project is complete, however, readers are urged to find alternative approaches, such as intravenous injection, fasting, and photosynthesis.
China is a vast diverse land with different dialects, races of dragons and most importantly-some would argue-different styles of food. Yet, somehow, we Americans think it is totally acceptable to lump all types of food into one category as Chinese food.
It is wholly ignorant to characterize all of the rich delicacies, from the Tibetan Plateau to the Yellow Sea, as one type of cuisine. This type of overgeneralization fails to recognize the rich intricacies of a dish and denies attribution of the food to its heritage-say between a Mongolian beef, with its notes of garlic and ginger, and a Hunan beef, with its trademark hints of Thai chili. It would be a crime to neglect different flavor profiles created by the artisanal vinegar common in Shandong dishes compared to the common use of garlic in Cantonese dishes.
By lumping them all into one category, you are insulting each region and each culinary history. Would it ever be acceptable to group the unique elements that make up New England clam chowder and New Orleans gumbo and categorize them as American soups? Hell no! It’s time we take aim at this uninformed and somewhat racist approach to food taxonomy. I will no longer order from my local chinese restaurant until they change titles to “insert Chinese region here” restaurant, no matter how delicious their Egg foo young is, nor until they accurately follow the recipe for Kung Pao chicken and add both peanuts and authentic Shaoxing wine and I encourage you to do the same. This blatant whitewashing has gone on for too long and we must take a stand where it matters: at the take-out box.
1) Take it easy on yourself
“Congrats, you got through college. Whoop tee doo. So, yeah go ahead and take a break. Just remember that things will catch up to you, and if your biceps aren’t prepared you could be caught in unfortunate situations. *hugh*
2) Work hard
*grunt* “Look, life won’t take it easy on you. In fact, your life is just going to get harder from here. The trick is to always look at the future and the benefits that your work will eventually achieve, like a nice juicy pickle.”
3) Work out biceps
“You had a free gym membership for 4 years and I can bet my prized horseshoe crab that you didn’t take that opportunity, you sad sack. Well you better get to work, son.” *FUCK!*
4) Prepare for disappointment
“There will be times when you will be working hard and nobody will appreciate what you’ve done. But you gotta keep at it, because someone has to put pickles on the table for the family”
5) Keep your mind open to alternatives
*HUUUUURGH* “Sometimes, things just aren’t going to work out. You have to learn to let things go and try something else” *FUCK!* *DICK!* *ASS!*
I should not be alive. I seriously should not be alive, but here I am. I am a risk taker, and this weekend I took a risk that was incredibly dumb. I snuck silverware into Medieval Times. I’m guilty of this transgression but do not hold it against me, it was on a dare. My friend Daniel said to me, “Dude, bring silverware in or you’re a total fucking pussy,” so I did it.
It was terrifying, and such an adrenaline rush. The King came out and he scanned the audience, I swear he stopped and stared at me for a moment, he could totally sense that I was carrying a 4 tined eating implement. When dinner came around, I snuck out my fork and dug in. Multiple times I swear a squire came around and looked at me, and I had to hide it on my person. But I survived, I escaped that hell castle with a full stomach and with my fork in hand, with an extended middle finger, a fuck you to the forkless king, and with blood rushing all throughout me. I felt like I had just skydived off a cliff while jerking off. I felt ALIVE!