BY Food Man Chew
OXFORD, U.K.— A series of studies recently conducted at the Oxford University Health and Nutrition Center revealed a shocking fact; that despite decades of studies advocating the consumption of fruits, vegetables, and proteins in moderation for a balanced diet, none of these foods are in fact healthy at all.
Despite reports over the last few years praising the health benefits of foods like Greek yogurt, dark chocolate, wheatgrass, ginger toot, and agave, consumers can no longer trust their safety, and are recommended to avoid them at all costs.
This research took place after years of published studies which had already condemned all forms of red meats, corn syrups, and non-legume milk products just to name a few. The study involved force-feeding excessive amount of so-called ‘health foods’ such as kale, acai berry, and flax seeds via a funnel. In each case, however, involuntary participants began convulsing or experiencing unexpected fecal release. This mirrors a similar study conducted by the University of Phoenix which concluded the health risks of eating solid foods, wherein strapped-down participants had difficulty swallowing spoonfuls of quinoa and chia seed which were force-fed to them by an angry German woman.
“We are always looking to find the next superfood,” explains Anne Scymanski, Head of Research at Oxford Nutrition Center, “but this new data suggests we’re going to need to wait just a bit longer to find it.”
As for what foods scientists do recommend, researchers at the Food and Drug Administration have been developing a nutrition bar which contains no carbohydrates, protein, fats, or any other pesky ingredients typically snuck into the worst of our health offenders. Until this project is complete, however, readers are urged to find alternative approaches, such as intravenous injection, fasting, and photosynthesis.