Tag Archives: College Ave

New Easton Ave Business Lets Rutgers Students Rent a Pet for a Semester

BY Caillou
Likes Kids

NEW BRUNSWICK— Last Thursday a new business opened on Easton Ave named Rent-A-Pet. Their primary business model is to create an establishment that allows impulsive college students to rent a dog or cat for a semester and not have to feel guilty about abandoning their pets when the year is over. The business was started by Rutgers Business School alumni Ben Schaffold, who was tired of seeing the despair caused by the abandoning of these innocent creatures.

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AWWW Rutgers student spending quality time with her new pet cow.

“Every time I see an abandoned pup or cat off College Ave my heart just fills with sadness. It’s so difficult for a college student to just bail on these animals. Our studies have shown that students who abandon their pets feel guilty for two to three weeks, and that’s something no student should ever have to go through,” said Schaffold.

So far, the business has been a tremendous success, as they have already rented out its entire stock of pets, as well as have a back-order for 68 more animals.

“I’m so glad I’m gonna get to spend my senior year with Snowball,” said Alexandra Antwani, who named the rented cat after her favorite Hostess snack item. “Cats are great for a school year, and not a day longer. Rent-A-Pet is a real game changer!”

Our lead scientists have gotten great results back from the pets, showing happiness levels matching those of Golden Retriever puppies at suppertime. The business has been considering expanding their supply to include birds, reptiles, fish, and farm animals for those on Cook/Douglass.

Freshman Women’s Studies Major Finds Out He’s Lesbian

BY Sue Denim
Gal That Fucks

NEW BRUNSWICK— After just three weeks into fall classes, Hayden Weiner came to the shocking realization that he is, in fact, be a lesbian. College is a time for discovery: Discovering who your friends are, what your interests are, and what you want to do with your life. For Mr. Weiner, it was discovering that he was actually a lesbian.

“I think I finally caught on to something during my second Gender, Culture, and Representation lecture. The professor was reading a story about a person who was attracted to females and I thought, ‘Hey that sounds a lot like me!’ Then she revealed that this person was a woman and I thought, ‘Oh my god. I’m a lesbian?!’” said Mr. Weiner.

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SHOCKER Artist rendition of the exact moment poor Hayden realized he was one of them gay chicks

The Rutgers LGBTQA+ community has reached out to Hayden and assured him that he was not the only freshman to undergo this life altering discovery, and that he will be accepted with open arms.

“It’s so strange. My whole life I’ve been attracted to girls and just assumed that meant I was heterosexual. I never even considered that this whole time I liked girls because I was lesbian,” said Mr. Weiner.

Professor Aubrey Hope -Fleming, the professor of that fateful lecture, has approached the Medium, explaining what she thinks the situation is.

“It is very common for students to come to this discovery about themselves in my classroom. I really try to get the students to rethink their view of sexuality. When I show a picture of a busty young broad on the projector to the enjoyment of many of the men in the audience, I want those men to be baffled when they find out that maybe they are actually women attracted to that young lady,” said Hope-Fleming.

The Women and Gender studies department has many resources and scientific papers that link college age men with late onset homosexuality.

“This is life changing for me. How will I ever be allowed in straight bars? Or take that dream vacation to Saudi Arabia?” said Weiner.

After some thought, Mr. Weiner has decided to embrace the change, and has since cut his hair six inches and has started wearing tucked in button down shirts, chinos, and loafers everywhere.

Trump Supporter Refuses to Get Off Prejudice Wall

BY Porn Stache
Ass Cache

NEW BRUNSWICK— As the sun rose on Tuesday the 26th, a protester wearing a Trump 2016 shirt was found perched on top of the newly built Wall of Prejudice outside the College Avenue Student Center. The protester, Randall Armstrong, claims he will not come off the wall until he gets a promise that it won’t be torn down.

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RUMP BUMP FOR TRUMP GRUMP Local student exercising his right to sit down in a form of peaceful protest met with shocking amount of apathy

When questioned, Mr. Armstrong said, “I put a lot of work into thinking of prejudice to write on this wall, and I will not let these liberals destroy my hard work! My freedom of speech is my most important right! If it offends some snowflakes it’s their own damn fault. I will not let them silence me!”

Some of Armstrong’s fellow club members have also commented on how they were promised a wall and they won’t let the only one they have be destroyed. However, none of them have joined him on the wall, and Armstrong has had little luck in finding people to support his cause. The creators of the wall are debating waiting for him to get hungry or to just tear it down on the intended date.

Class Too Small to Go Without Acknowledging Professor

BY Dale
Just Wants a Hula Hoop

NEW BRUNSWICK — Just before walking into class, junior Adrianna Canillo was forced to put on a half-smile and wave uninspiringly as she passed her professor of Sports Writing and Reporting, a class of only 25 people.

Canillo arrived to class early and walked by her professor, Allen Roberts, sitting outside class. The two made eye contact, and because the class is so small, were forced to make light of each other’s presence.

“Yeah this is the only reason why large classes are better,” said Canillo, who is majoring in Journalism and Media Studies. “In those classes I can walk by my professors and ignore them without a problem. But in these small classes, I feel so awkward if I do that.”

According to multiple student reports, there is always a moment of hesitancy when seeing professors of small classes outside of the classroom. Students usually first analyze their relationship with the professor, physical distance from the professor and whether or not the professor is interacting with other people.

“I usually try to go on my phone or put my in earbuds,” said Canillo, who is now too deep into her major to take large classes, which would negate this issue. “But in this case, I didn’t have time. He was like right there. I’ve only spoken up in class like three times, so I didn’t know if he recognized me or not. I panicked.”

Canillo apparently felt incredibly uncomfortable during her awkward greeting. Her relationship with the professor is neither too distant to warrant ignoring him, nor close enough to demand a friendly gesture.

“Honestly I wish I just ignored him,” added Canillo. “What was I thinking. Now he’s gonna expect something from me in class. I just sit there and go on my phone and search for internships. This wave is gonna change everything.”

Rutgers to Introduce New “D” Bus Route

BY Shitman Jim Henson
Trash Writer

Rutgers University has decided to add a new transportation route to their bus system. This route will be represented by the letter D and will go between Cook/Douglass and College Ave. Although there is already a F bus which goes between Cook/Douglass and College Ave, the D route will be going around the opposite way, with it’s first stop being College Hall and then going around the campus until it’s last stop at Red Oak Lane. The route will be including almost all of the stops the F bus does with some changes since there are parts of Cook that are only accessible through one way streets. One example would be after Henderson the route would continue straight to get onto 18 then enter Cook from the back of the farm and then go down College Farm Rd to drop students across from the Food Sciences Building.

This comes after communication between the student government board, RUSA, and the board of governors. The issue came to light after a survey done by RUDOTS about the transportation system at Rutgers. The survey exposed how students felt the bus system was failing and often creating more problems for students than it was solving. In response, RUDOTS hired more bus drivers and rented more buses, but the burden on students was still felt. Being aware of this RUSA decided to take it upon themselves to help solve the problem. They arranged various meetings with not only Barchi but other key members of the Rutgers transportation department to discuss how the creation of a new bus would affect the student body. RUSA had reportedly raised the issue of creating a new bus or additional route last April but specifics about implications were still fuzzy.

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Maybe the D stands for Donkey Kong? GIRL WITH NICE HAIR / STAFF PHOTOSHOPPER

After almost of year of planning and budgeting, it seems there has finally been an agreement. Rutgers has agreed to take money that was going towards a new turf field and instead use it to implement the new route. Reports say the new route would cost the school a little under $5,000. This may seem like a small amount of money but RUSA had a solution for that as well. In place of buses, which require gas and drivers, the students will be given huge tandem bikes that can seat up to 30 people. These bikes will not only be eco-friendly but will promote exercise and a healthy lifestyle among students.

According to a representative from RUSA the bikes will be structured in a regular car like fashion, except there would be no walls, windows, tires, or motors, just pedals and seats.
The official announcement for the new route is set to come around after graduation, to ease the imminent jealousy of the recent graduates.

Student Joyous Over a ‘Message Failed to Send’ Notification

Latkah
Resident New Kid

NEW BRUNSWICK— C.J. Kumar was found emphatically dancing to K-POP music on the Tuesday morning before her Communication Theory exam outside of Alexander Library on College Avenue.

“I wasn’t even high or anything last night, but I almost sent this embarrassing text message to this guy in my media class,” he told us, “It was suppose to be to my best friend, it read, ‘I heard Idris Elba’s in New York right now. If he’s in New York I’m in New York’ with screenshot of train tickets I’d just bought. I really never thought I’d be so grateful for Rutgers spotty WiFi!”

C.J. claims she went back to studying for her midterm but wondered in the back if her mind as to why her friend never texted back. According to an anonymous source, she loudly proclaimed that she was on a social media cleanse for the rest of the night and fell asleep in the Graduate Reading Room approximately 15 minutes later. Much to the relief of our source, C.J. didn’t snore, albeit, she did sporadically blurt out strings of innocuous Korean phrases. Our source finds it important to assert that she knows this because her parents speak Korean and not because she is a fan of K-Pop.

The morning after these events took place is when C.J. ended her cleanse and proceeded to check for a response from her friends when she opened up her phone and saw the “message failed to send notification.’ on a message she tried sending to her classmate who she declined to identify. We later found out from word mouth on the LX bus that dancing routines had become a common coping mechanism for students specializing in Health and Wellness Communication.

And we would suppose that avoided embarrassment demands a certain degree of coping.
“I bet Idris is still in New York,” she said opening up her iMessage app, “I should text my friend asking if she still wants to go.” When we reminded her that she had an exam today she exclaimed what we presume to be a Korean expletive and took off running towards the general direction or the Voorhees Mall.

C. J. also added later in an email to The Medium, “Mom, if you’re reading this by high I meant I was on the top floor of Alex. It has 83 floors you know. I actually got lost last week on my way to my Planet Earth exam, which is why I might have failed. They said it was going to be an easy A!”

Rutgers Replacing Au Bon Pain With a Bus Stop

Grind All
Safety Officer

NEW BRUNSWICK— At the end of 2016 Rutgers University decided not to renew their contract with Au Bon Pain leaving the lot on College Ave vacant. After a couple months of construction it has finally come out that Rutgers will be replacing the spot with another bus spot.

This decision comes after a long deliberation period between Barchi and student government representatives. While there had been rumors circulating about a Panera taking over the space it has now been confirmed that the space will be a bus spot.

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“SAFE SPACE” STOP A look into what the new bus stop is rumored to look like

Representatives from the student government announced this news this past Monday. Their reasoning behind this seems to be the excessive amount of people that need a bus between the front of the gym and past the student center. This need comes from multiple factors that exist between the gym and directly past the student center the main one being the amount of Greek life organizations that park their fake “generous” asses outside of Brower and the student center to ask other students, who are even poorer than them, for money.

“Yeah we’ve just been getting so many complaints about Greek life organizations harassing students for money that is supposedly ‘for the kids’ that we decided to just give students a way to get around this” said President Barchi.

The bus stop is reportedly going to be called “Safe Space” representing the area that will now be free of frats and sororities.

Representatives from different Greek organizations have called the new bus stop “a bus stop for pussies” and “like so rude” but these protests have fallen on deaf ears.

“We just really don’t care, I mean Greek life? It’s not like we kiss their asses like they’re the Gods and Goddesses of Rutgers!” said Barchi. “We treat them just like normal students.”

Reports say Greek organizations are planning a protest but until then the Safe Space is here to stay.