As of Tuesday, April 5, the Rutgers Board of Governors has approved a Barchi-advocated proposal to build a thirty-foot wall around the campuses to keep out international students, sources report. Students, faculty members, and alumni have come out on either side of the issue.
“Look, I know foreign students. I love foreign students and they love me. They do. But they’re killing us. They’re taking all our scholarships. That’s why we need to build this wall,” Barchi announced. “I’m sorry, it’s true. It’s just horrible right now. The number of foreign students here is anywhere between 5% and 16.7%. I wouldn’t go to a school like that. You can ask anyone. And believe me; no one, and I mean no one, will help make this school great again like I will. I’ll build a wall. A great wall; beautiful wall. You’re gonna love this wall, I tell ya. And the people I work with? They’re all idiots. I’d like to congratulate them on their hard work, but I can’t. They’re the worst. We’ll build this wall.”
Professor of Jewish Studies Ernie Landers has spoken out in vehement opposition to President Barchi’s wall and many of his other policies as well. “One percent of the Rutgers student body…receives 99 percent of the scholarships,” Landers shouts as his hands impersonate a car-dealership’s wacky-inflatable-tube-man. “Look, I want to break up the football team and redistribute the wealth back to the students. I’m the only professor here who doesn’t have a grant. I’m telling ya, President Barchi has no idea what he’s talking about. There is no way this wall will ever happen.”
Even with Professor Landers’ opposition, President Barchi’s wall has been gaining support among students and faculty. “Yah, this Barchi guy: I’m a fan of what he’s doing now,” said Jim Bobby Jr. in that southern drawl that can only be replicated by those with seven generations of incest in their recent ancestry. “He’s not afraid to speak his mind, unlike those damn math majors with their funny words. And when he says that the internationals are stealing our scholarships and killing our squirrels and raping our sorority sisters…Well, I just don’t see no reason to not believe him, ya hear?”
His opponents are still vocal and many. “Honestly, if President Barchi gets his way, I’m totally transferring to somewhere in Canada,” stated freshman Amanda Weiner, who lacks the money and confidence to ever transfer to Canada. “He’s totally getting out of control. He panders to the dumbest people, like the dance majors and the football students. It’s just disgusting.”
For reference on the legality of the proposed wall, another contact was reached. According to sources in her office, law school professor Dr. Minton just wants everyone to like her and she’s already just like you and me and everyone else.