North Korea Threatens to Declare War if it Doesn’t Make Ratio

BY Caillou
Loves Children

DEMOCRATIC PEOPLE’S REPUBLIC OF KOREA — Last night at 10:43 pm EST, North Korea’s foreign minister threatened to declare war on the United States if it doesn’t make ratio at Theta Chai’s party Friday night.

According to the statement, Ri Yong-ho said, “It is Marshal Kim Jong Un’s right to rip sick bong hits and shotgun Millers at Theta Chai’s party. If Rutgers University and President Trump are unable to comply with our supreme leader’s demands, our nation will be forced to declare war on the United States of America.”

The White House still has yet to respond to the statement, but Rutgers University president Robert Barchi ranted on Twitter early this morning at 5:23 am EST. In his tweets that he wrote nearly 30 minutes into Fox News’ “Fox and Friends,” Barchi let loose a string of 8 tweets, including, “Pathetic Rocket Man can’t even make ratio. Just throw fives!!” and “Srat chicks don’t like short losers. And yuo [sic] know what they say about short men..” In his most provocative tweet yet, Barchi urged an attack on Rutgers, threatening, “Kim Jong Dumb doesn’t have the firepower to hit rutgers, try it!! We need a new football team anyway”.

Rutgers students are less than thrilled with both the statements from Ri Yong-ho and Robert Barchi. Tiffany Sankhar, a third-year communications major, said, “I think this whole thing is a mess! If Kim really wanted to get in, he should have just rushed earlier in the year. And Barchi is just an embarrassment. Just the other day, he insulted Rutgers football players for protesting police brutality by kneeling during the entirety of the third quarter. He’s a disgrace.”

Grad student Ben Jordan had another solution. “Wait, doesn’t Kim Jon Un own people? Why is this such a problem for him?”

Elderly Man Appreciates the Finer Thangs at Rutgers

Jon Galt
Industrial Gas Producer

NEW BRUNSWICK—Though it’s often socially appropriate to condescend to English majors, it’s tough for a journalist to do when the student in question had a successful career in chemical engineering.

The student in question is Don Atello who enrolled last semester in the School of Arts and Science as a part-time student but has recently decided to take full advantage of the social opportunities at Rutgers.

The hoary freshman explained that he’s interested in connecting with today’s youth in ways he hadn’t considered before coming to Rutgers.

“Last semester, I met a nice young lady in ‘Poets and Power in Late Medieval England’ and I felt sixty-nine again…if you know what I mean,” the seventy-nine-year-old lothario said with a wink. “I introduced her to my ‘Power from Late Medieval England’…in bed! The kids still use that one, right?”

The school’s salacious septuagenarian has been attending fraternity rush events and received a bid last week to join Omicron Lambda Delta. “Our group of students continuing education at Rutgers is known by all the lasses as the place to party,” explained OLD President Walter Stanton, “if you have granddaddy issues and want some hanky-panky…sometimes even nookie!”

The organization of OLD, a historically geriatric fraternity, has been under fire from the children of its members, who claim that national dues in conjunction with inflated tuition rates have significantly reduced their inheritances.

Atello is committed to pledging OLD nevertheless. “Screw my four daughters’ wishes!” shouted the lecherous Literature student dismissively, “I’ll be screwing with girls a quarter of my age!”

Senior Convinced This Will Be the Semester He Raises GPA

BY Grind All
Explora Reporta

NEW BRUNSWICK–Second semester senior Dan Harrison has recently declared that this semester, his final semester, will be the time when he finally gets his grades up. In a dramatic Facebook post Harrison spoke about his past academic struggles.

“I’ve been too busy partying” he said in the post. “I’ve never focused on my school work but I’m finally realizing that in order to succeed after graduation I need to get at least a 3.0. I am determined to do that this semester.”

TOTALLY DELUSIONAL Dan Harrison pathetically believing he could actually pull a 3.0 out of his ass

Harrison’s goal came as a surprise to family and friends. Those closest to him described him as a “careless party animal with no sense of responsibility.”

“Last time I checked he had like a 2.1 or something,” said roommate Christian Donnell.

A recent statement from his academic adviser, Sarah Burn, confirmed this statement. “Dan has barely made it through college. He has scraped a D out of almost every class. If he pulls out a 3.0 I would literally tear off my own leg and eat it. That’s how much I am sure that he is incapable of doing this.”

When asked about his plan Harrison said, “See I’m being really smart about this. I’m gonna do part time, so only 9 credits, that way I can focus on my studies! I can still party but not have as much class”.

While this logic seems almost sound, it completely neglects the fact that in order to raise a GPA one needs to take at least six classes and earn A’s in order to see a spike.

Despite all of this Harrison seems unfazed and has already begun planning the graduation party he will throw celebrating his 3.0 GPA.

University Voices: What Did You Do for Halloweekend?

Hilarious Under the Influence Story

BY ANIMAL

College is for many things. One of the most important things is… you guessed it partying! Since we spend the majority of our time partying we all have some pretty funny stories about the shananigans we get into so I figured we’d start a column to tell the funniest stories. I’ll get the ball rolling with my own personal one.

Set the scene: dage season 2015, beautiful day, Saturday, and too many parties. So I was supposed to be going to an around the world tournament and dressed up as a specific country. My friends and I decided to be a mermaid country half because we’re basic bitches and half because it’s an excuse to wear bikini’s (see basic bitches).

I was wearing my friends push up sequined bra that was about 2 cup sizes too small for me so my boobs were OUT. I don’t normally wear low cut anything because it makes me insecure so I felt SUPER insecure and figured the only way to cure it was to drink into oblivion.

So we get to our first dage and there’s beer, dogs, and a small bouncy tent that is just asking for a law suit. A boy I liked was there and I was freaking out so I drank a ton.
Fast forward we left and I ended up at another dage. Now this is where it got bad. I’m not exactly sure how it happened, it was a combination of shots, funnels, and drinking games but I was plastered. The party got busted and as I was stumbling to leave a dude approached me and my friend and asked us to make out for his video. And yes drunk me did it so shout out to the guy who has that??

We left and I somehow ended up at another dage and was just kissing anyone who would give me a shot. My friend finally pulled me away and called for back up. The walk home I became a toddler and refused to walk unless someone held my hand while someone else walked in front of me and fed me crackers for every step I took. Cut to me running into the boy I liked while this was happening and trying (I think? I was blacked) to say hello to him before my friends kept me moving.

I spent the next couple hours in the care of my roommate who had to deal with me throwing up in our dorms hallway and then refusing to go to the bathroom so I just continued to throw up into bags in a hallway where 30 other people lived.
Mind you, this was all before 5 pm.

So that’s one of my embarassing crazy drunk story. WHAT’S ONE OF YOURS??? Seriously send in some of that shit to themedium.features@gmail.com. You don’t have to put your name on it so no one will know what a mess you are besides me and all the people who saw you ;).

Police Shut Down Party City

“No, The wigs don’t go there”

South Plainfield Police Department had to break up this absolute banger of a party at the nation-wide chain. The aftermath of the party resulted in $35,000 worth of property damage and 50-lbs of confetti jammed collectively up the colons of thirteen partygoers.

Engineering Frat’s First Party Becomes Study Session

BY The Honorable Crook
A Generous, Generous Man

NEW BRUNSWICK—As the nights get colder, the party season heats up. Even professional fraternities are participating in the fun, thereby distinguishing themselves from honor societies. Epsilon Nu Gamma (ENG), the only all-inclusive professional engineering fraternity at Rutgers University, decided to join the fray of hosting wild ragers.

“I was walking from our house on Louis Street to Alex on Friday night and saw a house party going on. We could totally throw a party like that,” recalled Nikhil Patel, the third consecutive Nikhil Patel to be President of ENG. “I felt like we could engineer a better party than those SAS fuckboys. I mean seriously, what do they know that we don’t? We’re fucking engineers!”

The party, which they held Sunday morning, went off to a slow start. It really picked up around noon, when the guests woke up and came over for booze. “At first we got some freshmen looking for a College Ave party on a Sunday afternoon and they were excited because it was their first party,” said Professional Development Chair Roselia Grundt. “During the course of the party one of our brothers found out that a frosh needed help with Calc, so he decided to break out the textbook and help him right there!”

After word spread on LinkedIn and 4Chan that ENG was offering free tutoring, their house got swarmed by desperate upperclassmen business students trying to pass their major courses. “This place really got packed,” said Grundt. “I mean we had more people in our house than ZBT had all weekend. I guess we showed them!”

Senior Jim Lense was grateful for the study session, saying, “Hey, this frat ain’t that bad. I think I might be able to graduate this year with the help of these Greek Geeks.”

HOW DID YOU SPEND HALLOWEEKEND

An A7 Original 

UNIVERSITY VOICES: October 19-23rd

NERD HOUSES READY TO STEP UP IN FRAT ABSENCE

By PAULIE VALENTINE

“Buckley and his roommate pictured above have just stocked up on alcohol from his parents’ house”

NEW BRUNSWICK – Freshman girls became distraught this week upon hearing news that Greek organizations would be banned from hosting parties for the rest of the semester. In wake of the absence of their debauchery, local nerds have decided to step up and host parties of their own. Prepared for Friday night, John Buckley, a School of Engineering junior, moved to College Ave with his lab partners from freshman biology and is excited for the opportunity.

“We have made a guest list,” said Buckley holding up a clipboard with wrinkled looseleaf paper, “and we went to the liquor store. I got a case of wine my mom; she let me peruse her liquor cabinet. I hope that’s enough.”

Another nerd, SEBS sophomore Reese Grady, lives in an apartment on Easton Ave with two foreign exchange students from Thailand. His crowning achievement is an innovative way for crowd control.

“We’ve created a new ratio system,” said Grady, “The amount of girls has to be inversely proportional to the lengths of skirts and the number of guys has to be about the limit of sin(30x)/x.”

The new generation of party-throwers could create positive change for the city. New Brunswick is often referred to as a one street town, but expansion to more dilapidated streets of New Brunswick could encourage new development.

“This could really be a game changer for different areas of campus,” said civil engineering professor Jamie Portly. “Because the… well… less cool students live further into the city, new apartment complexes will open, and lots of single apartment renters will drive out locals.”

Buckley is set to host his party at promptly 8:30PM on Saturday.

“If I need more alcohol, maybe I could call my aunt,” said Buckley, “She has a tattoo! but I doubt we will, I saw a kid drinking at a school dance in high school an—-” He was cut off due to the fact that he tripped over his shoelace. were mixed on the results of the study.