Tag Archives: North Korea

I get Caught off Guard by the Olympics Every Time

By Harsh Singh

I like to think I’m a pretty-up-to date with world and national events, but the Olympics always take me by surprise. I get that they come like every two years, but that’s enough time to totally forget about them and be totally shocked when they come back around. Plus, every time they come, they come back at a different time of year than the last time. I just wish I could get a heads up next time. I like watching hundreds of countries compete on the world stage for fancy necklaces as much as the next guy, but a little prior notice so I can prepare would be great. It always seems like I am the last to know and I miss the opening ceremonies which is the coolest part. Then my friends invite me to parties and I think they’re just plain parties and they turn out to be Olympics themed. Then there’s the office pool which I completely missed out on. And they’re in South Korea! How much more exciting can it get? A country neighboring an absolute dictatorship is a recipe for unlimited international fodder, and look I’m already a week late! But also, how do they plan to play beach volleyball in February?

North Korea Sends Their Valentine’s Day Regards

Kim Jong Un is really getting into the spirit of American holidays, seen here in a recent picture taken in Pyongyang. The nuclear missile, aimed at the United States with a lighthearted message of love, is estimated to be able to murder at least 8 million people in an instant.

Studies Show Trump Physically Unable to Comprehend Tragedies in Developing Countries

BY Caillou
Real Good Listener

WASHINGTON D.C.— Tuesday morning at 9 am, researchers revealed the results of a year-long study on Trump, concluding that the 45th President of the United States is unable to mentally process tragedies that occur in developing countries. This has confirmed theories developed by many scientists around the globe as to why someone so active on social media refuses to comment on anything both not American and not white.

An excerpt of the study describes some of the methodology used, “The subject was placed in a neutral room containing only two chairs. Every 15 minutes, a researcher would go into the room and mention a topic, such as CNN, nuclear weaponry, or Putin. The only tests inciting abnormal reactions involved the subject ‘Somalia bombings,’ where the subject’s eyes glazed over, its body slouched over, and hands twitched every few seconds. The subject would sustain this posture until a team member would mention Kaepernick. The subject would then react in an established fashion as if nothing had happened.”

White House staff have begun taking measures to work around the president’s newly discovered disability. Press secretary Sarah Sanders announced, “The United States will not be halted by our president’s mental disorder. The US will persevere through tragedies such as Somalia’s truck bombing, and will not let the death of hundreds of third-world citizens stop us from making this country great again.”

Citizens across America have been announcing they suffer from a similar disease, as Alabaman Billy McBowell said, “Yeah these fellas over the sea, their problems just don’t do anything for me, y’know. If it ain’t about the death of our national anthem, then you can forget about it,” he stated as he set up his American flag rifle targets.

As of press time, no one has mentioned to the president that he has this disability.

North Korea Threatens to Declare War if it Doesn’t Make Ratio

BY Caillou
Loves Children

DEMOCRATIC PEOPLE’S REPUBLIC OF KOREA — Last night at 10:43 pm EST, North Korea’s foreign minister threatened to declare war on the United States if it doesn’t make ratio at Theta Chai’s party Friday night.

According to the statement, Ri Yong-ho said, “It is Marshal Kim Jong Un’s right to rip sick bong hits and shotgun Millers at Theta Chai’s party. If Rutgers University and President Trump are unable to comply with our supreme leader’s demands, our nation will be forced to declare war on the United States of America.”

The White House still has yet to respond to the statement, but Rutgers University president Robert Barchi ranted on Twitter early this morning at 5:23 am EST. In his tweets that he wrote nearly 30 minutes into Fox News’ “Fox and Friends,” Barchi let loose a string of 8 tweets, including, “Pathetic Rocket Man can’t even make ratio. Just throw fives!!” and “Srat chicks don’t like short losers. And yuo [sic] know what they say about short men..” In his most provocative tweet yet, Barchi urged an attack on Rutgers, threatening, “Kim Jong Dumb doesn’t have the firepower to hit rutgers, try it!! We need a new football team anyway”.

Rutgers students are less than thrilled with both the statements from Ri Yong-ho and Robert Barchi. Tiffany Sankhar, a third-year communications major, said, “I think this whole thing is a mess! If Kim really wanted to get in, he should have just rushed earlier in the year. And Barchi is just an embarrassment. Just the other day, he insulted Rutgers football players for protesting police brutality by kneeling during the entirety of the third quarter. He’s a disgrace.”

Grad student Ben Jordan had another solution. “Wait, doesn’t Kim Jon Un own people? Why is this such a problem for him?”

Being Korean and Christian at Rutgers

BY Sarah Kim

skUsually when people reach out to the newspapers about Rutgers, it’s about something bad or inconvenient, but this is not at all about that. Instead, I really just want to let you know that Rutgers has provided me, someone with a Korean-Christian background, ample opportunities to feel involved with both my culture and connect to God.

While most of those not in this rather specific category of students would not know of this, Rutgers offers not just one student organization for Korean-Christians, but three very different clubs to enable me to always fit in. I can nearly attend services and meetings every single day of the week if we include Saturday and Sunday masses! So you might be wondering, what makes all these groups so different and why do we need these all, well let me explain.

Firstly, we have the the Korean Catholic Circle (KCC) .Obviously, this sticks out as a specifically Catholic-based teaching of Christianity. From its about section, it says that it is all about bringing the love of God within the Korean Culture. Like hello, that’s all about me!

Now say you’re not really about the Catholic lifestyle and want a more general Christian experience. Well don’t worry about it because the Korean Christian Fellowship (KCF) is here for you! Based on its quick overview, the purpose of this club is also to love the Lord! Seriously, can’t go wrong here either!

But hold up, maybe you’re not really feeling either of these and want a really exciting student organization. For you guys, we still have one more opportunity here at Rutgers and it’s called the Korean Campus Crusade for Christ (KCCC)! You might think it’s also about the love of the Lord, but they don’t mention love at all! I guess that’s what you get when you join a Crusade, and that sounds epic to me! But don’t worry, it’s still directed towards us Koreans so you’ll still fit just right in.

Now you know about all the Korean-Christian groups that are listed with Rutgers University. Who would ever have thought that there is something Rutgers doesn’t screw us over with. Though now I think about it, they don’t seem too different from each other, but that just means I get triple of the Korean-Christian experience. And of course if that’s not enough for me, there are a multitude of other clubs that fit at least one of the sides of my background so I can always find new people to help me explore myself and my heritage.