Category Archives: Volume LII Issue VIII

Chancellor Edwards Gets Hit in the Face With Baseball

CHICAGO— For those of you who don’t know, Richard Edwards is the chancellor here at Rutgers University New Brunswick and he is a huge Chicago Cubs fan. He had traveled to Chicago over this Halloween weekend with his family to get away from the losses Rutgers has produced on the football field to watch a team that “has a chance of winning”.
Even if you have been living under a rock, you would still know that recently Rutgers has been having trouble producing numbers on the football field leading to many losses this season. It appears that Chancellor Edwards want to get the bad taste out losses out of his mouth and attend a game where the team usually sucks, but is actually doing pretty well this year; something we can only imagine as Rutgers students.

chancellor
RU SCREW Chancellor Edwards, right before the accident

Edwards makes it to Wrigley Field and is seeming to enjoy the time spent there with his family. However, as any student knows, you can never escape the RU screw. It was at this time in the second inning where Jose Ramirez scored the home run. While being upset that the Indians scored and losing hope that the underdog finally gets to win, the ball comes soaring and hits Chancellor Edwards in the face. We asked Chancellor Edwards what it was like getting hit in the face with a baseball in a professional game and he had this to say.
“It was kind of like walking into Brower at 3pm on a Saturday afternoon only to find out that they are still only serving breakfast. You understand that there’s not much you can do about it, but it’s still pretty shitty anyway.”

After the embarrassment of being hit in the face in front of everyone, Edwards made his way to the concession stand to replace the snacks lost in the accident. It was to his dismay that they had run out of curly fries so he had to settle for the less tasty french fry. Chancellor Edwards can’t seem to catch a break but luckily for him, no one knows how to handle national embarrassment better than a Scarlet Knight.

Point/Counterpoint: Gender

Gender Isn’t Binary. It’s a Spectrum!gender1.png

BY Sam Johnson

It’s 2016 and apparently you don’t know it because you think I’m a girl. First of all, I am a woman. You and your conservative patriarchal views can go sit on a pepper grinder because gender is a spectrum. It’s not some binary “male/female”, “yes/no” bullshit. There are “maybes” out there, too and the world is finally discovering it.

I know someone with gender dysphoria and she finally took action on not being a “he” anymore. Not just is that the bravest thing ever, but it’s why I’m telling you this. Can you imagine grabbing yourself between the legs and feeling nothing but emotional dissonance from your sex organ? Of course you can’t, you cowardly cisgender pig!

Someday, you’ll look back and think to yourself, “How could I have been so wrong until that wise and beautiful woman told me how wrong I was?” Because by then, everyone will understand that gender is a spectrum, like color. Speaking of which, the way you think is like some racist bigot back during the Byrd lynching, before the Civil Rights Movement gave black people equal treatment. Welcome to the new millennium, asshat. Now go look at yourself in the mirror and feel ashamed for your prejudiced, backward thinking!


gender2.pngI DIDN’T EVEN SAY ANYTHING!

BY Brady the Freshman

I was waiting for the bus with my headphones in when you started talking to me about genitals. Thanks for telling me how wrong I am for not minding my own business. You’re totally right and I shouldn’t be thinking about other people’s private parts. But that’s exactly what you’re forcing me to think about.

As for the question you raise, I’ve never paid mind to the possibility that gender has a new definition but it seems complicated. When a typical child is born with either a penis or a vagina, how expansive is that gamut? Sure, some men are more genteel than others. It’s the same with women. Do we need seventy-six labels for them all or can we just treat folks as individuals, regardless of which of the two categories they may fall into?

As enlightening as this conversation has been, I never wanted it, stranger. You’ve shown some great social awareness but little tact. I have no doubt in my mind that you are definitely somewhere on “the spectrum”.

Jill Stein Trying Desperately to Fill Grandparent Role

BY Jimbo Frugaloop
Currently Glued to Chair

WASHINGTON D.C.– After Clinton’s decisive win of the democratic ticket in June, the American people, regardless of political inclination, have had a disheveled old man-sized hole in their heart, one that Jill Stein is attempting to fill. At only a staggering 1% approval rating in the most recent polls for the general election, Stein is coming to terms with the fact that even though she is the smartest person in consideration, it’s possible that she may not win. With this thought drilling into the Harvard sized brain of Stein, she has slowly begun to fill the role of crazy old grandparent, hoping to swing the votes of the elderly and the dependent eighteen year-old grandchildren. Her platform, rather than focusing on the environmental policies that her party is associated with, now revolves around the old wives’ tales that we hear from our grandparents who are just a little racist enough to still be endearing; ideas such as WiFi causing harmful radiation and vaccines causing autism.steingrandma

Being cautious to avoid controversy, she has avoided taking a hard stance on any of these ideas, using words and phrases such as “probably” and “I dunno” that really convince people that she is the candidate that will get things done. Our inside sources also have reason to believe that Stein will stop combing her hair and begin to wear oversized suits to really nail that “wise sage” look that’s all the rage these days. We have also heard reports of cats coming and going from inside her house, with a new sighting each week. However, we can’t be sure if these are Stein’s or if she has simply stopped taking her new medication and has forgotten to close her doors. Overall, Stein has a growing fanbase that is sick of the stupidity of her three frontrunners, and as long as she avoids opening any Q&A forums on some of the more intellectual communities on the Internet, she should see a huge spike in her ratings.

Things You Can Shove up Your Anus

BY Us

1. My baby brother

2. Cucumbers (*make sure they have that gross wax coating*)

3. Four Beatles albums (*vinyls*)

4. My girlfriend’s hair while she sleeps (SORRY JENNA)

5. The Targum

6. Barchi’s bald head

7. A hollow tube of bumblebees

8. Dan

9. The Rutgers’ football team’s hopes and dreams

10. A glowstick

11. Mexican chile candies

12. Donald Trump’s hands

13. Ken Bone’s sweater (**must be rolled into a ball**)

14. Corona (a la butt chug)

15. A handful of legos

16. The Rutgers Housing Dept. (so that they can fuck you in the ass one last time!)

Vegan Food Really Is Not That Bad

BY The Guy Dating a Veganvegan.png

Vegan food really isn’t too bad these days. When I was younger, I felt like it wasn’t too good but now it’s really great! Well, “really great” might be an overstatement but it’s definitely halfway decent. Ever since I started dating my girlfriend, Jen, we’ve been eating a lot of vegan food. Every single day we come together and make a delicious vegan meal together…. then we make love together, it’s really amazing, together we are one. I love Jen, she’s the love of my life and I’ll never meet a girl like her again….I mean, veganism is a small price to pay for love…right? I’m sure we will be together ‘til death do us part… and even if our relationship doesn’t last forever, how can I support the inhumane killing and torturing of animals? I mean Jen changed my world. She was my first and last love and she has taught me more than anyone else ever has. She’s amazing, and yeah she left me but it’s ok. I’ll be ok. I don’t want anyone but her and that’s it. I don’t need Jen. I just—she was the love of my life, man. And veganism is good and all… I didn’t just become vegan to impress Jen…Animal mistreatment is horrible…Have you read that article? Jen please come back to me. You are all I have, I need you baby.

Cleveland Indians Kicked out of Restaraunt for Not Having a Reservation

BY Tonto Goldberg
Pun Enthusiast

CLEVELAND— After defeating the Chicago Cubs 6 -0 in the opening game of the 2016 World Series, the Cleveland Indians decided to go to the Red Steakhouse, a well-known restaurant in the Cleveland area, to celebrate the team’s first World Series win in 19 years. After arriving at the restaurant they were informed by the staff that they couldn’t be seated because they didn’t have a reservation. The hostess gave this statement to the medium. “The whole team walked into the restaurant and everyone was cheering and clapping, but I had no clue how we were going to seat all of these people, after all, the place was packed!” We had no choice but to ask them to leave.

cleveindians
NOT ON MY WATCH CEO protects his right to take other people’s things

 

An anonymous source at the Red Steakhouse reported that the Indians did in fact have a reservation, but their table was given away to an oil company who was conducting a dinner meeting with a potential client. A company spokesman made this statement yesterday. “We are very sorry that we took the Indian’s reservation. The table they reserved was in a prime location of the restaurant. It was a table that we needed to take advantage of because it had a direct pipeline from the kitchen to our table and we could get a lot more food to the table quicker.” The CEO of the company told reporters that “the deal that he made during that meeting could create 8,000 to 12,000 local jobs, so taking the reservation was better in the long run.”

The manager of the Indians, Terry Francona had this to say, “our reservations have been being taken from us for years. I don’t care how many jobs that deal created, enough is enough!” It is clear that someone needs to check this CEO’s privilege, clearly he doesn’t know how ‘dibs’ work.