Tag Archives: Fraternity

North Korea Threatens to Declare War if it Doesn’t Make Ratio

BY Caillou
Loves Children

DEMOCRATIC PEOPLE’S REPUBLIC OF KOREA — Last night at 10:43 pm EST, North Korea’s foreign minister threatened to declare war on the United States if it doesn’t make ratio at Theta Chai’s party Friday night.

According to the statement, Ri Yong-ho said, “It is Marshal Kim Jong Un’s right to rip sick bong hits and shotgun Millers at Theta Chai’s party. If Rutgers University and President Trump are unable to comply with our supreme leader’s demands, our nation will be forced to declare war on the United States of America.”

The White House still has yet to respond to the statement, but Rutgers University president Robert Barchi ranted on Twitter early this morning at 5:23 am EST. In his tweets that he wrote nearly 30 minutes into Fox News’ “Fox and Friends,” Barchi let loose a string of 8 tweets, including, “Pathetic Rocket Man can’t even make ratio. Just throw fives!!” and “Srat chicks don’t like short losers. And yuo [sic] know what they say about short men..” In his most provocative tweet yet, Barchi urged an attack on Rutgers, threatening, “Kim Jong Dumb doesn’t have the firepower to hit rutgers, try it!! We need a new football team anyway”.

Rutgers students are less than thrilled with both the statements from Ri Yong-ho and Robert Barchi. Tiffany Sankhar, a third-year communications major, said, “I think this whole thing is a mess! If Kim really wanted to get in, he should have just rushed earlier in the year. And Barchi is just an embarrassment. Just the other day, he insulted Rutgers football players for protesting police brutality by kneeling during the entirety of the third quarter. He’s a disgrace.”

Grad student Ben Jordan had another solution. “Wait, doesn’t Kim Jon Un own people? Why is this such a problem for him?”

Campus Bars to Open Earlier for Depressed and Disillusioned Students

BY Mike Hawk
Pelvis Safety Officer

NEW BRUNSWICK— Now that the school year is officially in full swing, many students are already beginning to develop the dreaded seasonal depression that tends to crop up this time of year. Many students start to feel the work and the extra curriculars start to pile down on them and as more students take their first exams, they’ll soon realize how stupid they are and begin to feel inadequate compared to that one student in their class nicknamed “the curve destroyer.”

To combat this, the administration at our great school worked out a deal with many of the local bar and club owners here in New Brunswick. They plan to gradually increase the times they open earlier and earlier and can expect to open at 8am beginning right before midterms. This falls in-line with the centuries old attitude that Rutgers students can’t wake up for an 8am class but we’ll gladly get up at 7am to start chugging beers before we lose to whatever no-name football school we’re playing against that morning.

Many of the bars down here in New Brunswick are ecstatic to open earlier as this is sure to drive in more business for them. Some of these bars include Knight Club, Scarlet Pub and the newly established fight club some of you may know as Olde Queens. Our team headed over to ask some students what they thought about the upcoming change.

“I’m so fucking excited! My parents always told me I had a problem but clearly I’m not the only one so it can’t be true! Plus, you know what they say, it’s not alcoholism until after college or in this case, depression.” Said Chad from Kappa Kappa Kappa.

We also asked Suzy Crabgrass, a senior in the School of Arts & Sciences and she had this to say. “I’ve been really depressed ever since my grandmother died. On top of that I just got accepted into med school and I absolutely hate science. I’m just doing this so my parents would love me. If it was up to me I’d move to California and start my own tech company. My guidance counselor keeps recommending me to go to CAPS but I say fuck her. All I need is a good old fashioned L.I.T.”

It’s clear that mostly everyone is on board with this change. Soon the student body here at Rutgers will be feeling lively once again.

Fraternities Promoting Sexual Violence Awareness Still Require Ratio

BY Walter Cronkite Jr
Greek Life Insider

NEW BRUNSWICK — Not seeing the explicit irony, fraternities at Rutgers continue to advocate for the prevention of sexual violence while forcing all male, non-guest list partygoers to have ratio.

“Hey bro, I only see three girls and one of you,” Beta Rho Omega brother Arnie van Jaaran reportedly said, whose fraternity was enforcing a 6-to-1 female-to-male ratio Friday. “I can’t let you in unless you got more girls, yo. But while I have you here, would you care to make a donation to RAINN, the nation’s largest anti-sexual violence organization?”

This is not an isolated incident, as reportedly every fraternity that is not guest-list only continues to use ratio at parties year after year. The reported minimum ratio is 4-to-1 at Tau Iota Tau, yet the reported minimum amount of service hours per brother at Rutgers is 10 a semester, though the message and actions do not seem to resonate.

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RAINN IS LUCKY TO HAVE ARNIE Hey man equality is just the right thing to do

“Yeah we do a lot of work with The Office for Violence Prevention and Victim Assistance, which provides an amazing service on campus that I really recommend people use,” said Sam Young, president of Alpha Sigma Sigma. “At the same time, though, we can’t be throwing sausagefests every weekend. Frankly, girls should see it as a compliment. They’re desirable. As a reward, guys that pull get to party, and girls are given free drinks and get to swat away unwanted advances.”

When asked about the apparent hypocrisy, Young did not see it.

“Nah we have inter-fraternal meetings all the time, and we always congratulate each other on the positive impact we have on the culture of sexual violence prevention on this campus.”

The office of Fraternity & Sorority Affairs did not make an official comment on the issue, but did note fraternity contributions to the cause, both monetarily and through volunteer hours.

When asked, most independent students on campus were indifferent on the issue.
“It’s whatever,” said senior Jessica Hernandez. “I go to the bars now.”

Dance Marathon raises thousands in social media capital

By James Mullen
News Editor

Dance Marathon has become a cherished ritual among Rutgers students since its foundation in the spring of 2000. The number of Rutgers students that have danced in the annual fundraising event has increased significantly since RUDM’s inception, and the Embrace Kids foundation has benefited greatly from the exploding numbers of dancers. For many dancers, the event goes beyond just raising money to make a difference in the lives of children affected by cancer, sickle cell anemia, and other diseases. This is a rare opportunity for many students to experience the joy of raising social media capital and garnering hundreds of likes.

RUDM has made a real, positive impact on the lives of children like Nico. A few years ago, Nico was diagnosed with Evans Disease, is a very rare genetic autoimmune disorder which compromises the immune system. Thanks to RUDM, Nico and his family were given the opportunity to pair up with the Student Athletic Advisory Committee, which allows Nico to interact with student athletes and have some semblance of a normal social life. While this story is mildly uplifting, it doesn’t even hold a candle to the sheer rush of dopamine felt by SAS Junior and Beta Chi philanthropy chair Chad Smithmeyer as the likes start pouring in on his latest post asking for DM money.

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Rutgers University Dance Marathon raised over 900,000 likes last year for the kids.

“It’s just a really good way to give back to the community,” says Smithmeyer, who keeps glancing at his phone, which is buzzing with notifications from Instagram. “I don’t know what it is about Dance Marathon that just feels so good, but I can’t get enough of it.” Smithmeyer is just coming down from the wave of likes on his posts about spring break trip to Key West, and Dance Marathon is picking up likes seamlessly after Smithmeyer headed back to school.

In past years, DM has earned Rutgers Greek life thousands of likes, which has been almost enough to justify the constant scandals of students ending up in hospitals due to alcohol poisoning and repeated instances of sexual assault on campus. This year, however, Greek life intends to get so many likes for the kids that none of that is any longer relevant. The massive influx of likes will make Rutgers fraternities and sororities a shining example of philanthropy and community involvement, and make heroes out of students that really just wanted to party.

Rutgers Replacing Au Bon Pain With a Bus Stop

Grind All
Safety Officer

NEW BRUNSWICK— At the end of 2016 Rutgers University decided not to renew their contract with Au Bon Pain leaving the lot on College Ave vacant. After a couple months of construction it has finally come out that Rutgers will be replacing the spot with another bus spot.

This decision comes after a long deliberation period between Barchi and student government representatives. While there had been rumors circulating about a Panera taking over the space it has now been confirmed that the space will be a bus spot.

aubonpain
“SAFE SPACE” STOP A look into what the new bus stop is rumored to look like

Representatives from the student government announced this news this past Monday. Their reasoning behind this seems to be the excessive amount of people that need a bus between the front of the gym and past the student center. This need comes from multiple factors that exist between the gym and directly past the student center the main one being the amount of Greek life organizations that park their fake “generous” asses outside of Brower and the student center to ask other students, who are even poorer than them, for money.

“Yeah we’ve just been getting so many complaints about Greek life organizations harassing students for money that is supposedly ‘for the kids’ that we decided to just give students a way to get around this” said President Barchi.

The bus stop is reportedly going to be called “Safe Space” representing the area that will now be free of frats and sororities.

Representatives from different Greek organizations have called the new bus stop “a bus stop for pussies” and “like so rude” but these protests have fallen on deaf ears.

“We just really don’t care, I mean Greek life? It’s not like we kiss their asses like they’re the Gods and Goddesses of Rutgers!” said Barchi. “We treat them just like normal students.”

Reports say Greek organizations are planning a protest but until then the Safe Space is here to stay.

Senior Convinced This Will Be the Semester He Raises GPA

BY Grind All
Explora Reporta

NEW BRUNSWICK–Second semester senior Dan Harrison has recently declared that this semester, his final semester, will be the time when he finally gets his grades up. In a dramatic Facebook post Harrison spoke about his past academic struggles.

“I’ve been too busy partying” he said in the post. “I’ve never focused on my school work but I’m finally realizing that in order to succeed after graduation I need to get at least a 3.0. I am determined to do that this semester.”

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TOTALLY DELUSIONAL Dan Harrison pathetically believing he could actually pull a 3.0 out of his ass

Harrison’s goal came as a surprise to family and friends. Those closest to him described him as a “careless party animal with no sense of responsibility.”

“Last time I checked he had like a 2.1 or something,” said roommate Christian Donnell.

A recent statement from his academic adviser, Sarah Burn, confirmed this statement. “Dan has barely made it through college. He has scraped a D out of almost every class. If he pulls out a 3.0 I would literally tear off my own leg and eat it. That’s how much I am sure that he is incapable of doing this.”

When asked about his plan Harrison said, “See I’m being really smart about this. I’m gonna do part time, so only 9 credits, that way I can focus on my studies! I can still party but not have as much class”.

While this logic seems almost sound, it completely neglects the fact that in order to raise a GPA one needs to take at least six classes and earn A’s in order to see a spike.

Despite all of this Harrison seems unfazed and has already begun planning the graduation party he will throw celebrating his 3.0 GPA.