DEMOCRATIC PEOPLE’S REPUBLIC OF KOREA — Last night at 10:43 pm EST, North Korea’s foreign minister threatened to declare war on the United States if it doesn’t make ratio at Theta Chai’s party Friday night.
According to the statement, Ri Yong-ho said, “It is Marshal Kim Jong Un’s right to rip sick bong hits and shotgun Millers at Theta Chai’s party. If Rutgers University and President Trump are unable to comply with our supreme leader’s demands, our nation will be forced to declare war on the United States of America.”
The White House still has yet to respond to the statement, but Rutgers University president Robert Barchi ranted on Twitter early this morning at 5:23 am EST. In his tweets that he wrote nearly 30 minutes into Fox News’ “Fox and Friends,” Barchi let loose a string of 8 tweets, including, “Pathetic Rocket Man can’t even make ratio. Just throw fives!!” and “Srat chicks don’t like short losers. And yuo [sic] know what they say about short men..” In his most provocative tweet yet, Barchi urged an attack on Rutgers, threatening, “Kim Jong Dumb doesn’t have the firepower to hit rutgers, try it!! We need a new football team anyway”.
Rutgers students are less than thrilled with both the statements from Ri Yong-ho and Robert Barchi. Tiffany Sankhar, a third-year communications major, said, “I think this whole thing is a mess! If Kim really wanted to get in, he should have just rushed earlier in the year. And Barchi is just an embarrassment. Just the other day, he insulted Rutgers football players for protesting police brutality by kneeling during the entirety of the third quarter. He’s a disgrace.”
Grad student Ben Jordan had another solution. “Wait, doesn’t Kim Jon Un own people? Why is this such a problem for him?”