NERD HOUSES READY TO STEP UP IN FRAT ABSENCE

By PAULIE VALENTINE

"Buckley and his roommate pictured above have just stocked up on alcohol from his parents' house"
“Buckley and his roommate pictured above have just stocked up on alcohol from his parents’ house”

NEW BRUNSWICK – Freshman girls became distraught this week upon hearing news that Greek organizations would be banned from hosting parties for the rest of the semester. In wake of the absence of their debauchery, local nerds have decided to step up and host parties of their own. Prepared for Friday night, John Buckley, a School of Engineering junior, moved to College Ave with his lab partners from freshman biology and is excited for the opportunity.

“We have made a guest list,” said Buckley holding up a clipboard with wrinkled looseleaf paper, “and we went to the liquor store. I got a case of wine my mom; she let me peruse her liquor cabinet. I hope that’s enough.”

Another nerd, SEBS sophomore Reese Grady, lives in an apartment on Easton Ave with two foreign exchange students from Thailand. His crowning achievement is an innovative way for crowd control.

“We’ve created a new ratio system,” said Grady, “The amount of girls has to be inversely proportional to the lengths of skirts and the number of guys has to be about the limit of sin(30x)/x.”

The new generation of party-throwers could create positive change for the city. New Brunswick is often referred to as a one street town, but expansion to more dilapidated streets of New Brunswick could encourage new development.

“This could really be a game changer for different areas of campus,” said civil engineering professor Jamie Portly. “Because the… well… less cool students live further into the city, new apartment complexes will open, and lots of single apartment renters will drive out locals.”

Buckley is set to host his party at promptly 8:30PM on Saturday.

“If I need more alcohol, maybe I could call my aunt,” said Buckley, “She has a tattoo! but I doubt we will, I saw a kid drinking at a school dance in high school an—-” He was cut off due to the fact that he tripped over his shoelace. were mixed on the results of the study.

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