Tag Archives: drunk

Here’s An Opinion: I’m Drunk

BY Devindevin.png

No no no no no, I got this. You guys don’t know what you’re talking about. No no no no, I’m fine. Really I’m fine, just let me talk. I study this stuff in school. Yeah I got to class, shut the fuck up, Rachel. The media covers this all wrong. It’s all just one big cover up. Yeah I actually believe that. Damn it Rachel just let me fucking talk–wait yo Adam are you going into the kitchen? Can you get me another beer? Hey, no, I was talking. I know I’m drunk but I still know what I’m talking about. As I was saying: this has been a problem throughout history. I mean look at the Civil War. Things don’t change, just you don’t hear people talking about it all the time, that’s why you don’t think it’s a problem, Rachel. Hey. I said I’m fine. It’s just one more beer. Fucking Rachel, am I right? You just don’t get it Rachel. You think all of the world’s problems will go away by just batting your eyes. Well that’s not how it works, Rachel. The media, Rachel. Read between the lines, Rachel. Things are not what they seem to be, just read a textbook. I just learned about all of this. Am I not making sense to you? This is cut and dry. I am drunk. I am not wrong, but yes I am drunk. Hey, no, don’t discriminate. You’re discriminating. That’s discriminating. I’m allowed to drink this beer. It’s all your fault, Rachel. Look at what’s happening here, Rachel. Look at what you’re making me do, Rachel. It’s all a big cover up. I’m out!

Whoreoscopes

Aries – You feel a sense of courage coming. Or maybe that’s just the last shot of tequila coming in. Whatever it is, you know the drill. Get. Fucking. SCHWASTED! Spring Break only comes once a year so you better not be a total pussy and not take another shot and then probably end up throwing up an hour later!

Taurus – Dammnnn. You’re looking fine today. With those big thick arms, and that tuft of hair on your torso. Oh man. You cow boys always get me going. How about you take one of your mighty hooves and tread on me down there ;).

Gemini – Don’t be so surprised about anal tonight. Just give it a go, you might actually enjoy it you know. Remember to use lube, and be sure to be vocal. It’s a huge turn on. AND DEAR GOD POOP BEFOREHAND.

Cancer – Honestly, what did you expect from your life? You’re literally a cancer. And not the curable-into-a-superhero kind like the one Deadpool has. Well don’t worry about it, accept it, hug your mom, hug your dog, and set out in life and do something fucking great. Go find a cure for a disease, start a revolution, or just make your significant other extra happy today. I believe in you.

Leo – Screw the haters. No one should be bossing you around, trying to corner you into something, or just trying to pressure you into something else. Go out and shine like a star, because you’re fucking priceless.

Virgo – You’re going to cry today. It might be happy or sad, or it might just be from finishing Undertale or watching Up again. Seriously, stop what you’re doing and just watch it again. But yeah, find a stuffed animal or a comforting human body and embrace it, because darling today is a perfect day for you to let out some tears.

Sagittarius- John is about to become a large figure in your life. Focus all your energy on kissing up to him.

Capricorn- You are entering your 80’s phase. Break out your Tears for Fears cassettes, neon leg warmers, and denim jacket, you’re sure to be the gnarliest dude/tte on campus.

Pisces- Listen to your Shaman when he tells you that evil spirits are eating away at your soul. You should consult your local exorcist, or at least get checked for chlamydia.

Aquarius- You are working your way to burning that nagging bridge in your life. Unfortunately, it is guarded by a troll that will demand your first born.

Libra- Your spiritual energy is being drained by all the haters in your life. You should try becoming more likeable.

Scorpio- Remember that indifferent shrug you gave a stranger who said hello on the street? Sleep with one eye open.

Seminary Stalls Serve Confessions

BY Sawyer
Sacramental Juice Editor

NEW BRUNSWICK—Recent reviews of visitor logs at New Brunswick Theological Seminary prove that since the building’s 2015 renovation, an increased number of students have visited for religious reasons.

“Universities tend to promote some sinful hedonism. Those I’ve spoken to get sloppy drunk and sexually promiscuous Friday, recover from hangovers Saturday, and seek absolution Sunday,” explained Reverend Martin O’Doule.

Students leaving O’Doule’s Sunday mass were eager to explain that they don’t all belong to that group of wayward Christians. Tiffany DiMarco, a Food Science junior shared her reasons: “I’ve always been religious. Just look how blue my boyfriend’s balls are! Bible study is my way of becoming closer to Jesus. But most of the time, I come by to use the beautiful new bathrooms.”
confess.jpg

Many congregants shared this detail about their business at the Seminary. Todd Ryan, a vagrant-about-town, explained that he bathes in the Thompson Hall bathroom shower but will only defecate in the Seminary’s booths. “The new bathrooms are nice, but I prefer the less-often occupied velvety lined ones with the wicker screen. The guy one stall over was also really forgiving of my more nauseating dumps.

“Problem is you have to bring your own toilet paper. All they have in there’s a Bible with a few page missing.”

Hilarious Under the Influence Story

BY ANIMAL

College is for many things. One of the most important things is… you guessed it partying! Since we spend the majority of our time partying we all have some pretty funny stories about the shananigans we get into so I figured we’d start a column to tell the funniest stories. I’ll get the ball rolling with my own personal one.

Set the scene: dage season 2015, beautiful day, Saturday, and too many parties. So I was supposed to be going to an around the world tournament and dressed up as a specific country. My friends and I decided to be a mermaid country half because we’re basic bitches and half because it’s an excuse to wear bikini’s (see basic bitches).

I was wearing my friends push up sequined bra that was about 2 cup sizes too small for me so my boobs were OUT. I don’t normally wear low cut anything because it makes me insecure so I felt SUPER insecure and figured the only way to cure it was to drink into oblivion.

So we get to our first dage and there’s beer, dogs, and a small bouncy tent that is just asking for a law suit. A boy I liked was there and I was freaking out so I drank a ton.
Fast forward we left and I ended up at another dage. Now this is where it got bad. I’m not exactly sure how it happened, it was a combination of shots, funnels, and drinking games but I was plastered. The party got busted and as I was stumbling to leave a dude approached me and my friend and asked us to make out for his video. And yes drunk me did it so shout out to the guy who has that??

We left and I somehow ended up at another dage and was just kissing anyone who would give me a shot. My friend finally pulled me away and called for back up. The walk home I became a toddler and refused to walk unless someone held my hand while someone else walked in front of me and fed me crackers for every step I took. Cut to me running into the boy I liked while this was happening and trying (I think? I was blacked) to say hello to him before my friends kept me moving.

I spent the next couple hours in the care of my roommate who had to deal with me throwing up in our dorms hallway and then refusing to go to the bathroom so I just continued to throw up into bags in a hallway where 30 other people lived.
Mind you, this was all before 5 pm.

So that’s one of my embarassing crazy drunk story. WHAT’S ONE OF YOURS??? Seriously send in some of that shit to themedium.features@gmail.com. You don’t have to put your name on it so no one will know what a mess you are besides me and all the people who saw you ;).

10 Tips for a Successful Valentine’s Day

BY WHO ARE U

1. No one likes PDA, so make sure every picture includes a friendly and polite hover hand

2. If a box of chocolate is involved, make sure to eat half of them and leave the remnants on your face. This way you seem interested, but not tooooo interested. Also you’ll taste sweet

3. Life is like that box of chocolates you just ate, you never know what you’re gonna get, so make sure to wear 5 condoms for no risk

4. Make continuous references to your exes so they know you’ve gotten with A LOT of other people

5. Pay the check with a coupon, it shows how resourceful you are

6. Give only backhanded compliments so their self esteem is just low enough to sleep with you

7. To be relaxed and smooth, drink at least a fifth of Everclear, you’ll never feel looser

8. Let them know you’re a busy and interesting person, come 3 hours late

9. Never make eye contact, only stare at pimples and the thing they’re most self-conscious about, possibly that continuous mucus drip

10. Talk about your frat if you’re in one, let ‘em know you fucking chill and fucking pull

HOW FRAT ARE YOU

BY GRIND ALL

Okay so rush season is upon us and I know that people are super concerned of whether they will get into any greek life at all. Never fear because I’m pretty sure I can figure that out for you. See, I’ve got an in with a frat since my boyfriends in one (guess which frats he’s in for extra creepy points) so I’ve got a pretty good idea of what makes a good potentional frat boy candidate. Take this quiz and see if you’re cut out for greek life.

1. Why are you in school?
a. Because I like to learn!
b. Eh idk I got nothing else to do & my parents are paying
c. Bitches. Bitches. Fuck. With. College

2. How do you feel about women?
a. They’re a gender?
b. I think you mean how do women feel me?
c. *moaning* *cumming* *random groans*

3. What’s the longest you’ve slapped the bag for?
a. What bag? What? What does this mean?
b. Bagged wine? Are you fucking kidding me? I don’t drink that shit! Now ask me long I can chug Black Label and I’ll say 30 seconds.
c. AW SHIT 100 SECONDS JOHNNY WILL TELL YOU I DIDN’T BUT I DID BRO

4. What’s your style?
a. Comfy. Idk nothing really too intense
b. Cool, casual and classy. I wear my pastel vineyard vines and sperries but don’t worry I can get them dirty.
c. Bitch whatever makes me look like I just walked fresh off a yacht that came from Martha’s Vineyard or Nantucket.

5. Do you fight?
a. Peace brotha
b. Only when I’m drunk and only other dudes. I’m pretty laid back otherwise.
c. I will fight anyone, anywhere, anytime. I don’t care where we are I don’t care who they are, if we going at it, we GOIN AT IT

6. How do you feel about drugs?
a. I don’t really do them but I don’t mind too much if people do them around me
b. I smoke weed from time to time and do my fair share of addy when its finals week
c. Dude I’m a fucking coke dealer. Ask me again how I feel about drugs. Unless you’re a cop, then I do not have a comment

7. What race are you?
a. Asian (international student)
b. Minority (American)
c. WHITE AMERICAN MALE HETEROSEXUAL RED WHITE AND BLUE

TALLY THE FUCK UP

Mostly A’s: DON’T DO IT YOU ARE A PRECIOUS CINNAMON ROLL AND NEED TO STAY AWAY FROM THE SCARY FRAT BOYS THEY WILL SWALLOW YOU WHOLE

Mostly B’s: Yeah you can join a frat but just join either a rich one or a lowkey one. You probably won’t do well with delinquents and would benefit from being in a frat that has enough money and connections to get around RUPD.

Mostly C’s: Dude Zeta already got kicked off where are you even trying to rush???

HOW GOOD WAS YOUR SNOW DAY

BY GRIND ALL

Check off every thing you did and add up your points!

Made a snowman: 4 pts (yay childhood!)

Fucked that snowman: 1 pts (fucking gross ruining childhood)

Fucked someone: 5 pts

Got so drunk you forgot there was a snow day: 7 pts

Got so high you thought the snow was attacking you: 10 pts

Called for delivery then pretended you weren’t home when they got there: 8 pts (lol)

Streaked down the empty streets: 6 pts

Wrote your name in the snow with your pee: 9 pts (yes)

Tried out that weird masturbating thing that involves snow… you know what I’m talking about: 0 pts

TALLY THE FUCK UP

0-10 did you even have a snow day?

11-20 so you did what you normally do every Saturday but there was snow around you

21-30 awh dang getting out of yo comfort zone I see you girl do yah thang

31-40 okay this is getting a little out of hand now and I’m getting a little scared

41-50 omg I didn’t know frat boys read the medium!!!!