Elderly Man Appreciates the Finer Thangs at Rutgers

Jon Galt
Industrial Gas Producer

NEW BRUNSWICK—Though it’s often socially appropriate to condescend to English majors, it’s tough for a journalist to do when the student in question had a successful career in chemical engineering.

The student in question is Don Atello who enrolled last semester in the School of Arts and Science as a part-time student but has recently decided to take full advantage of the social opportunities at Rutgers.

The hoary freshman explained that he’s interested in connecting with today’s youth in ways he hadn’t considered before coming to Rutgers.

“Last semester, I met a nice young lady in ‘Poets and Power in Late Medieval England’ and I felt sixty-nine again…if you know what I mean,” the seventy-nine-year-old lothario said with a wink. “I introduced her to my ‘Power from Late Medieval England’…in bed! The kids still use that one, right?”old.png

The school’s salacious septuagenarian has been attending fraternity rush events and received a bid last week to join Omicron Lambda Delta. “Our group of students continuing education at Rutgers is known by all the lasses as the place to party,” explained OLD President Walter Stanton, “if you have granddaddy issues and want some hanky-panky…sometimes even nookie!”

The organization of OLD, a historically geriatric fraternity, has been under fire from the children of its members, who claim that national dues in conjunction with inflated tuition rates have significantly reduced their inheritances.

Atello is committed to pledging OLD nevertheless. “Screw my four daughters’ wishes!” shouted the lecherous Literature student dismissively, “I’ll be screwing with girls a quarter of my age!”

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