Tag Archives: college

Campus Bars to Open Earlier for Depressed and Disillusioned Students

BY Mike Hawk
Pelvis Safety Officer

NEW BRUNSWICK— Now that the school year is officially in full swing, many students are already beginning to develop the dreaded seasonal depression that tends to crop up this time of year. Many students start to feel the work and the extra curriculars start to pile down on them and as more students take their first exams, they’ll soon realize how stupid they are and begin to feel inadequate compared to that one student in their class nicknamed “the curve destroyer.”

To combat this, the administration at our great school worked out a deal with many of the local bar and club owners here in New Brunswick. They plan to gradually increase the times they open earlier and earlier and can expect to open at 8am beginning right before midterms. This falls in-line with the centuries old attitude that Rutgers students can’t wake up for an 8am class but we’ll gladly get up at 7am to start chugging beers before we lose to whatever no-name football school we’re playing against that morning.

Many of the bars down here in New Brunswick are ecstatic to open earlier as this is sure to drive in more business for them. Some of these bars include Knight Club, Scarlet Pub and the newly established fight club some of you may know as Olde Queens. Our team headed over to ask some students what they thought about the upcoming change.

“I’m so fucking excited! My parents always told me I had a problem but clearly I’m not the only one so it can’t be true! Plus, you know what they say, it’s not alcoholism until after college or in this case, depression.” Said Chad from Kappa Kappa Kappa.

We also asked Suzy Crabgrass, a senior in the School of Arts & Sciences and she had this to say. “I’ve been really depressed ever since my grandmother died. On top of that I just got accepted into med school and I absolutely hate science. I’m just doing this so my parents would love me. If it was up to me I’d move to California and start my own tech company. My guidance counselor keeps recommending me to go to CAPS but I say fuck her. All I need is a good old fashioned L.I.T.”

It’s clear that mostly everyone is on board with this change. Soon the student body here at Rutgers will be feeling lively once again.

5 Pieces of Advice from a Guy Struggling to Open a Jar of Pickles

1) Take it easy on yourself
“Congrats, you got through college. Whoop tee doo. So, yeah go ahead and take a break. Just remember that things will catch up to you, and if your biceps aren’t prepared you could be caught in unfortunate situations. *hugh*

2) Work hard
*grunt* “Look, life won’t take it easy on you. In fact, your life is just going to get harder from here. The trick is to always look at the future and the benefits that your work will eventually achieve, like a nice juicy pickle.”

3) Work out biceps
“You had a free gym membership for 4 years and I can bet my prized horseshoe crab that you didn’t take that opportunity, you sad sack. Well you better get to work, son.” *FUCK!*

4) Prepare for disappointment
“There will be times when you will be working hard and nobody will appreciate what you’ve done. But you gotta keep at it, because someone has to put pickles on the table for the family”

5) Keep your mind open to alternatives
*HUUUUURGH* “Sometimes, things just aren’t going to work out. You have to learn to let things go and try something else” *FUCK!* *DICK!* *ASS!*

Here’s An Opinion: I’m Drunk

BY Devindevin.png

No no no no no, I got this. You guys don’t know what you’re talking about. No no no no, I’m fine. Really I’m fine, just let me talk. I study this stuff in school. Yeah I got to class, shut the fuck up, Rachel. The media covers this all wrong. It’s all just one big cover up. Yeah I actually believe that. Damn it Rachel just let me fucking talk–wait yo Adam are you going into the kitchen? Can you get me another beer? Hey, no, I was talking. I know I’m drunk but I still know what I’m talking about. As I was saying: this has been a problem throughout history. I mean look at the Civil War. Things don’t change, just you don’t hear people talking about it all the time, that’s why you don’t think it’s a problem, Rachel. Hey. I said I’m fine. It’s just one more beer. Fucking Rachel, am I right? You just don’t get it Rachel. You think all of the world’s problems will go away by just batting your eyes. Well that’s not how it works, Rachel. The media, Rachel. Read between the lines, Rachel. Things are not what they seem to be, just read a textbook. I just learned about all of this. Am I not making sense to you? This is cut and dry. I am drunk. I am not wrong, but yes I am drunk. Hey, no, don’t discriminate. You’re discriminating. That’s discriminating. I’m allowed to drink this beer. It’s all your fault, Rachel. Look at what’s happening here, Rachel. Look at what you’re making me do, Rachel. It’s all a big cover up. I’m out!

Class Too Small to Go Without Acknowledging Professor

BY Dale
Just Wants a Hula Hoop

NEW BRUNSWICK — Just before walking into class, junior Adrianna Canillo was forced to put on a half-smile and wave uninspiringly as she passed her professor of Sports Writing and Reporting, a class of only 25 people.

Canillo arrived to class early and walked by her professor, Allen Roberts, sitting outside class. The two made eye contact, and because the class is so small, were forced to make light of each other’s presence.

“Yeah this is the only reason why large classes are better,” said Canillo, who is majoring in Journalism and Media Studies. “In those classes I can walk by my professors and ignore them without a problem. But in these small classes, I feel so awkward if I do that.”

According to multiple student reports, there is always a moment of hesitancy when seeing professors of small classes outside of the classroom. Students usually first analyze their relationship with the professor, physical distance from the professor and whether or not the professor is interacting with other people.

“I usually try to go on my phone or put my in earbuds,” said Canillo, who is now too deep into her major to take large classes, which would negate this issue. “But in this case, I didn’t have time. He was like right there. I’ve only spoken up in class like three times, so I didn’t know if he recognized me or not. I panicked.”

Canillo apparently felt incredibly uncomfortable during her awkward greeting. Her relationship with the professor is neither too distant to warrant ignoring him, nor close enough to demand a friendly gesture.

“Honestly I wish I just ignored him,” added Canillo. “What was I thinking. Now he’s gonna expect something from me in class. I just sit there and go on my phone and search for internships. This wave is gonna change everything.”

Girl Breaks Internet by Posting Update on Post Grad Plans

Grind All
Has No Future

NEW BRUNSWICK—On Monday night, college senior Meghan Tulson stopped the world with her Earth-shattering Facebook post about her post-graduate plans. Posted at 7:43 pm, the status read:

“So excited to announce that I will be continuing my journey to become a children’s speech pathologist at Montclair State University :)”. Within 5 minutes the post had practically broken the Internet.

“There was so much traffic on this one post,” said Facebook representative Don Nelson.

“Our servers just couldn’t handle all of the likes and comments! We had to shut the site down for about ten minutes until the server rebooted.”

In the initial five minutes the post had amassed 113 likes and 47 comments that ranged from “congrats!” to full essays by one overly expressive aunt who just knew that Meghan was going to be working with children even when she was just a baby. meghan.png

“I’m just so overwhelmed,” said Tulson’s Facebook friend Carol Sanchez. “I haven’t talked or even thought about Meghan since high school but dammit if I wasn’t excited to hear about her post-graduate plans!”

Other estranged and forgotten friends seemed to share the same sentiments. Multiple sources stated how they’ve just been on the edge of their seats waiting to hear Tulson’s plans.

The post continued to generate attention for the next 24 hours. By the end of Tuesday the post had 1,207 likes and 304 comments. This just barely surpassed her post from four years prior which detailed her acceptance to Rutgers University.

Tulson graciously responded to comments by liking posts and writing multiple “Thank you so much!” comments.

The Medium will continue to stay on top of Tulson’s plans and will provide further updates as to how her new house, dog, and eventual new boyfriend are.

Dance Marathon raises thousands in social media capital

By James Mullen
News Editor

Dance Marathon has become a cherished ritual among Rutgers students since its foundation in the spring of 2000. The number of Rutgers students that have danced in the annual fundraising event has increased significantly since RUDM’s inception, and the Embrace Kids foundation has benefited greatly from the exploding numbers of dancers. For many dancers, the event goes beyond just raising money to make a difference in the lives of children affected by cancer, sickle cell anemia, and other diseases. This is a rare opportunity for many students to experience the joy of raising social media capital and garnering hundreds of likes.

RUDM has made a real, positive impact on the lives of children like Nico. A few years ago, Nico was diagnosed with Evans Disease, is a very rare genetic autoimmune disorder which compromises the immune system. Thanks to RUDM, Nico and his family were given the opportunity to pair up with the Student Athletic Advisory Committee, which allows Nico to interact with student athletes and have some semblance of a normal social life. While this story is mildly uplifting, it doesn’t even hold a candle to the sheer rush of dopamine felt by SAS Junior and Beta Chi philanthropy chair Chad Smithmeyer as the likes start pouring in on his latest post asking for DM money.

dancemarathon
Rutgers University Dance Marathon raised over 900,000 likes last year for the kids.

“It’s just a really good way to give back to the community,” says Smithmeyer, who keeps glancing at his phone, which is buzzing with notifications from Instagram. “I don’t know what it is about Dance Marathon that just feels so good, but I can’t get enough of it.” Smithmeyer is just coming down from the wave of likes on his posts about spring break trip to Key West, and Dance Marathon is picking up likes seamlessly after Smithmeyer headed back to school.

In past years, DM has earned Rutgers Greek life thousands of likes, which has been almost enough to justify the constant scandals of students ending up in hospitals due to alcohol poisoning and repeated instances of sexual assault on campus. This year, however, Greek life intends to get so many likes for the kids that none of that is any longer relevant. The massive influx of likes will make Rutgers fraternities and sororities a shining example of philanthropy and community involvement, and make heroes out of students that really just wanted to party.