BY Mike Hawk
Pelvis Safety Officer
NEW BRUNSWICK— Now that the school year is officially in full swing, many students are already beginning to develop the dreaded seasonal depression that tends to crop up this time of year. Many students start to feel the work and the extra curriculars start to pile down on them and as more students take their first exams, they’ll soon realize how stupid they are and begin to feel inadequate compared to that one student in their class nicknamed “the curve destroyer.”
To combat this, the administration at our great school worked out a deal with many of the local bar and club owners here in New Brunswick. They plan to gradually increase the times they open earlier and earlier and can expect to open at 8am beginning right before midterms. This falls in-line with the centuries old attitude that Rutgers students can’t wake up for an 8am class but we’ll gladly get up at 7am to start chugging beers before we lose to whatever no-name football school we’re playing against that morning.
Many of the bars down here in New Brunswick are ecstatic to open earlier as this is sure to drive in more business for them. Some of these bars include Knight Club, Scarlet Pub and the newly established fight club some of you may know as Olde Queens. Our team headed over to ask some students what they thought about the upcoming change.
“I’m so fucking excited! My parents always told me I had a problem but clearly I’m not the only one so it can’t be true! Plus, you know what they say, it’s not alcoholism until after college or in this case, depression.” Said Chad from Kappa Kappa Kappa.
We also asked Suzy Crabgrass, a senior in the School of Arts & Sciences and she had this to say. “I’ve been really depressed ever since my grandmother died. On top of that I just got accepted into med school and I absolutely hate science. I’m just doing this so my parents would love me. If it was up to me I’d move to California and start my own tech company. My guidance counselor keeps recommending me to go to CAPS but I say fuck her. All I need is a good old fashioned L.I.T.”
It’s clear that mostly everyone is on board with this change. Soon the student body here at Rutgers will be feeling lively once again.