Tag Archives: college

5 Pieces of Advice from a Guy Struggling to Open a Jar of Pickles

1) Take it easy on yourself
“Congrats, you got through college. Whoop tee doo. So, yeah go ahead and take a break. Just remember that things will catch up to you, and if your biceps aren’t prepared you could be caught in unfortunate situations. *hugh*

2) Work hard
*grunt* “Look, life won’t take it easy on you. In fact, your life is just going to get harder from here. The trick is to always look at the future and the benefits that your work will eventually achieve, like a nice juicy pickle.”

3) Work out biceps
“You had a free gym membership for 4 years and I can bet my prized horseshoe crab that you didn’t take that opportunity, you sad sack. Well you better get to work, son.” *FUCK!*

4) Prepare for disappointment
“There will be times when you will be working hard and nobody will appreciate what you’ve done. But you gotta keep at it, because someone has to put pickles on the table for the family”

5) Keep your mind open to alternatives
*HUUUUURGH* “Sometimes, things just aren’t going to work out. You have to learn to let things go and try something else” *FUCK!* *DICK!* *ASS!*

Here’s An Opinion: I’m Drunk

BY Devindevin.png

No no no no no, I got this. You guys don’t know what you’re talking about. No no no no, I’m fine. Really I’m fine, just let me talk. I study this stuff in school. Yeah I got to class, shut the fuck up, Rachel. The media covers this all wrong. It’s all just one big cover up. Yeah I actually believe that. Damn it Rachel just let me fucking talk–wait yo Adam are you going into the kitchen? Can you get me another beer? Hey, no, I was talking. I know I’m drunk but I still know what I’m talking about. As I was saying: this has been a problem throughout history. I mean look at the Civil War. Things don’t change, just you don’t hear people talking about it all the time, that’s why you don’t think it’s a problem, Rachel. Hey. I said I’m fine. It’s just one more beer. Fucking Rachel, am I right? You just don’t get it Rachel. You think all of the world’s problems will go away by just batting your eyes. Well that’s not how it works, Rachel. The media, Rachel. Read between the lines, Rachel. Things are not what they seem to be, just read a textbook. I just learned about all of this. Am I not making sense to you? This is cut and dry. I am drunk. I am not wrong, but yes I am drunk. Hey, no, don’t discriminate. You’re discriminating. That’s discriminating. I’m allowed to drink this beer. It’s all your fault, Rachel. Look at what’s happening here, Rachel. Look at what you’re making me do, Rachel. It’s all a big cover up. I’m out!

Class Too Small to Go Without Acknowledging Professor

BY Dale
Just Wants a Hula Hoop

NEW BRUNSWICK — Just before walking into class, junior Adrianna Canillo was forced to put on a half-smile and wave uninspiringly as she passed her professor of Sports Writing and Reporting, a class of only 25 people.

Canillo arrived to class early and walked by her professor, Allen Roberts, sitting outside class. The two made eye contact, and because the class is so small, were forced to make light of each other’s presence.

“Yeah this is the only reason why large classes are better,” said Canillo, who is majoring in Journalism and Media Studies. “In those classes I can walk by my professors and ignore them without a problem. But in these small classes, I feel so awkward if I do that.”

According to multiple student reports, there is always a moment of hesitancy when seeing professors of small classes outside of the classroom. Students usually first analyze their relationship with the professor, physical distance from the professor and whether or not the professor is interacting with other people.

“I usually try to go on my phone or put my in earbuds,” said Canillo, who is now too deep into her major to take large classes, which would negate this issue. “But in this case, I didn’t have time. He was like right there. I’ve only spoken up in class like three times, so I didn’t know if he recognized me or not. I panicked.”

Canillo apparently felt incredibly uncomfortable during her awkward greeting. Her relationship with the professor is neither too distant to warrant ignoring him, nor close enough to demand a friendly gesture.

“Honestly I wish I just ignored him,” added Canillo. “What was I thinking. Now he’s gonna expect something from me in class. I just sit there and go on my phone and search for internships. This wave is gonna change everything.”

Girl Breaks Internet by Posting Update on Post Grad Plans

Grind All
Has No Future

NEW BRUNSWICK—On Monday night, college senior Meghan Tulson stopped the world with her Earth-shattering Facebook post about her post-graduate plans. Posted at 7:43 pm, the status read:

“So excited to announce that I will be continuing my journey to become a children’s speech pathologist at Montclair State University :)”. Within 5 minutes the post had practically broken the Internet.

“There was so much traffic on this one post,” said Facebook representative Don Nelson.

“Our servers just couldn’t handle all of the likes and comments! We had to shut the site down for about ten minutes until the server rebooted.”

In the initial five minutes the post had amassed 113 likes and 47 comments that ranged from “congrats!” to full essays by one overly expressive aunt who just knew that Meghan was going to be working with children even when she was just a baby. meghan.png

“I’m just so overwhelmed,” said Tulson’s Facebook friend Carol Sanchez. “I haven’t talked or even thought about Meghan since high school but dammit if I wasn’t excited to hear about her post-graduate plans!”

Other estranged and forgotten friends seemed to share the same sentiments. Multiple sources stated how they’ve just been on the edge of their seats waiting to hear Tulson’s plans.

The post continued to generate attention for the next 24 hours. By the end of Tuesday the post had 1,207 likes and 304 comments. This just barely surpassed her post from four years prior which detailed her acceptance to Rutgers University.

Tulson graciously responded to comments by liking posts and writing multiple “Thank you so much!” comments.

The Medium will continue to stay on top of Tulson’s plans and will provide further updates as to how her new house, dog, and eventual new boyfriend are.

Dance Marathon raises thousands in social media capital

By James Mullen
News Editor

Dance Marathon has become a cherished ritual among Rutgers students since its foundation in the spring of 2000. The number of Rutgers students that have danced in the annual fundraising event has increased significantly since RUDM’s inception, and the Embrace Kids foundation has benefited greatly from the exploding numbers of dancers. For many dancers, the event goes beyond just raising money to make a difference in the lives of children affected by cancer, sickle cell anemia, and other diseases. This is a rare opportunity for many students to experience the joy of raising social media capital and garnering hundreds of likes.

RUDM has made a real, positive impact on the lives of children like Nico. A few years ago, Nico was diagnosed with Evans Disease, is a very rare genetic autoimmune disorder which compromises the immune system. Thanks to RUDM, Nico and his family were given the opportunity to pair up with the Student Athletic Advisory Committee, which allows Nico to interact with student athletes and have some semblance of a normal social life. While this story is mildly uplifting, it doesn’t even hold a candle to the sheer rush of dopamine felt by SAS Junior and Beta Chi philanthropy chair Chad Smithmeyer as the likes start pouring in on his latest post asking for DM money.

dancemarathon
Rutgers University Dance Marathon raised over 900,000 likes last year for the kids.

“It’s just a really good way to give back to the community,” says Smithmeyer, who keeps glancing at his phone, which is buzzing with notifications from Instagram. “I don’t know what it is about Dance Marathon that just feels so good, but I can’t get enough of it.” Smithmeyer is just coming down from the wave of likes on his posts about spring break trip to Key West, and Dance Marathon is picking up likes seamlessly after Smithmeyer headed back to school.

In past years, DM has earned Rutgers Greek life thousands of likes, which has been almost enough to justify the constant scandals of students ending up in hospitals due to alcohol poisoning and repeated instances of sexual assault on campus. This year, however, Greek life intends to get so many likes for the kids that none of that is any longer relevant. The massive influx of likes will make Rutgers fraternities and sororities a shining example of philanthropy and community involvement, and make heroes out of students that really just wanted to party.

Senior Convinced This Will Be the Semester He Raises GPA

BY Grind All
Explora Reporta

NEW BRUNSWICK–Second semester senior Dan Harrison has recently declared that this semester, his final semester, will be the time when he finally gets his grades up. In a dramatic Facebook post Harrison spoke about his past academic struggles.

“I’ve been too busy partying” he said in the post. “I’ve never focused on my school work but I’m finally realizing that in order to succeed after graduation I need to get at least a 3.0. I am determined to do that this semester.”

senior
TOTALLY DELUSIONAL Dan Harrison pathetically believing he could actually pull a 3.0 out of his ass

Harrison’s goal came as a surprise to family and friends. Those closest to him described him as a “careless party animal with no sense of responsibility.”

“Last time I checked he had like a 2.1 or something,” said roommate Christian Donnell.

A recent statement from his academic adviser, Sarah Burn, confirmed this statement. “Dan has barely made it through college. He has scraped a D out of almost every class. If he pulls out a 3.0 I would literally tear off my own leg and eat it. That’s how much I am sure that he is incapable of doing this.”

When asked about his plan Harrison said, “See I’m being really smart about this. I’m gonna do part time, so only 9 credits, that way I can focus on my studies! I can still party but not have as much class”.

While this logic seems almost sound, it completely neglects the fact that in order to raise a GPA one needs to take at least six classes and earn A’s in order to see a spike.

Despite all of this Harrison seems unfazed and has already begun planning the graduation party he will throw celebrating his 3.0 GPA.

Americans Desperately Try to Find New Diversion Topic for Thanksgiving Now That Election Is Over

BY Grind All
Resident Mom

AMERICA—For the past year, America has been gripped by 2016 presidential election. The election has influenced countless think pieces on The Odyssey and thousands of social media statuses lamenting how terrible this whole election is.

It has also provided a great distraction for those recent college graduates and singles to divert the conversation away from their lack of employment or love life. Since its finale on Tuesday, the nation is completely confounded, aimless on what to complain about next. This seems to be especially important with the national holiday of Thanksgiving coming up.

“Thanksgiving is a time when everyone gets together and asks me when I’m gonna get fucking married,” said Oklahoma resident Harry Ferguson. “I used to be able to just say, ‘Hey what about that Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton thing?’ and then all the attention would be off of me.”

Thousands of Americans have been shown to share Ferguson’s sense of distress. A new poll conducted by CNN showed young Americans were seriously inconclusive on how to change the subject from their failing fledgling adult life at impending Thanksgiving gatherings. About 10% of Americans said they were considering going back to the always trusty Black Lives Matter movement or even the legality gay marriage. But a handful of Americans say their family has started to see through this diversion and may need to have something else to distract them.

“They know man,” said Ferguson. “I can’t keep distracting them with Black Lives Matter and other controversial shit.”

The Medium stands in solidarity with all those who will be asked about their lives this holiday season and encourages readership to find distracting conversation topics in next week’s issue.