BY The Honorable Crook
A Generous, Generous Man
NEW BRUNSWICK—As the nights get colder, the party season heats up. Even professional fraternities are participating in the fun, thereby distinguishing themselves from honor societies. Epsilon Nu Gamma (ENG), the only all-inclusive professional engineering fraternity at Rutgers University, decided to join the fray of hosting wild ragers.
“I was walking from our house on Louis Street to Alex on Friday night and saw a house party going on. We could totally throw a party like that,” recalled Nikhil Patel, the third consecutive Nikhil Patel to be President of ENG. “I felt like we could engineer a better party than those SAS fuckboys. I mean seriously, what do they know that we don’t? We’re fucking engineers!”
The party, which they held Sunday morning, went off to a slow start. It really picked up around noon, when the guests woke up and came over for booze. “At first we got some freshmen looking for a College Ave party on a Sunday afternoon and they were excited because it was their first party,” said Professional Development Chair Roselia Grundt. “During the course of the party one of our brothers found out that a frosh needed help with Calc, so he decided to break out the textbook and help him right there!”
After word spread on LinkedIn and 4Chan that ENG was offering free tutoring, their house got swarmed by desperate upperclassmen business students trying to pass their major courses. “This place really got packed,” said Grundt. “I mean we had more people in our house than ZBT had all weekend. I guess we showed them!”
Senior Jim Lense was grateful for the study session, saying, “Hey, this frat ain’t that bad. I think I might be able to graduate this year with the help of these Greek Geeks.”