By SGT. GEN. Chiappa Remington Wesson Jr., Tier One Operator
IMPORTANT BULLETIN: According to reliable INSIDE GS-15 RANKED SOURCES embedded in the UNITED STATES MARINE CORPS, children NATIONWIDE are being PAID OFF to become lackeys for THE DEEP STATE DEMON RAT Party’s RADICAL LEFTIST agenda. After recent DESPICABLE acts of TERROR from BOTHERING Sen. Mitch McConnell at a restaurant to VIOLENTLY karate chopping White House interns, what sort of INSIDIOUS tactics to promote ANTI-AMERICAN ideals have they taken this time?
Frankly, my own son won’t tell me, but INSIDERS allege that these paid agitators are being propositioned to IGNORE YOU during THANKSGIVING DINNER, possibly ELSEWHERE. What would compel them to be complicit actors in such a VILE scheme? That motive is beyond us, but I believe that it would clearly be no fault of our own. As ESTEEMED PUBLIC INTELLECTUALS such as Benjamin Shapiro and David Rubin have attested, these SNOWFLAKE SOY BOY NPC MILLENIALS are simply too UNGRATEFUL to recognize your own brave diversity OF THOUGHT.
It’s TOTALLY not because you ALIENATE them with your skewed reactionary worldviews. I’m not racist, but calling YOU racist? What’s racist about generalizing an entire group of people who arbitrarily look DIFFERENT from you and projecting your own insecurities and moral failings onto them? The REGRESSIVE left is simply too fixated on IDENTITtY PoLiTICS that they cease to recognize the REAL, salient THREAT of covert 8 YEAR OLD MS-13 OPERATIVES infiltrating our sacred arbitrary lines! OUR ancestors LEGALLY emigrated to these pristine STOLEN lands, so why can’t they? All they have to undergo are years of arduous citizenship testing, income inequality, the prospect of having a few automatic rifles pointed at their heads AND a few children thrown into cages, but NO. That’s not enough handouts and freedoms for these ENTITLED SELFISH CRETINS.
But those aren’t here nor there, because I’m not racist. Absolutely not. I haven’t got around to asking him much in seven years, but just ask my friend Steve. He’s One Of The Good Ones™, because the omnipresent issue at hand is the budding INTOLERANCE amongst our children. It is an utter anomaly, as only a LOW-T BETA would cower from facing your unsolicited NUANCED opinions about the cretinous FOOTBALL MEN, why every terrorist attack is a bigger ongoing stage production than Shakespeare’s Globe Theatre, and why MORE children need to be thrown in cages. You’re not bigoted. You’re not insecure. You’re not suffocating any and all introspection in a cloudy haze of opiates and benzodiazepines. You don’t need to see a therapist for your lifelong burgeoning psychological trauma. You aren’t a reactionary, short-tempered, verbally abusive lout who calls your kin SHEEPLE and politely requests your spouse to shut the fuck up, no. Why the hell don’t they correct you about that anyway? Why the hell be the parent 24/7 when THEY can pull up their bootstraps and tell YOU what’s wrong?
If you read my CREDIBLE newsletter, you can rest assured that you are a DECENT, RED-BLOODED AMERICAN man who simply wants what’s best for his kin, AND the pure-blooded grandkin you are duly owed. You merely believe in traditional values, our loving God’s coherent plan for receded hairlines or agonizing herniated disks, and the inalienable right to question things that don’t make sense over a cold Pabst on the couch. Remember, if you’re children question the credibility of the BRAVE alternative YouTube journalists you follow, how that vague camera flash inconclusively proves a REPTILIAN FALSE FLAG, how Seth Rogen’s “Paul” is actually a stoner biopic declassifying THE GREYS, how that building angle fall inconclusively proves CONTROLLED DEMOLITION, or why you’re so obsessed with blaming every single personal grievance on the F̴̀͞͞͏͚͙͇͖̥̭̻̲͉̺͍̻͈͓̻̮ͅEDERAL RESERVE (not racist), that’s the REAL intolerance right there.
So, if they subvert your ways and cease to keep an OPEN MIND to your brave FREE MARKETPLACE OF IDEAS this Thanksgiving, double down. Be MORE patriotic. Do MORE research and YouTube education on your arguments. CONTINUE to remain perplexed and baffled over why your children haven’t heard your side in years. DO NOT let your children fall toward the slimy tendrils of the BUSHES, CLINTONS, OBAMAS, ROTHSCHILDS, SOROS, AND THE NEW WORLD ORDER BOOGEYMAN AGENDA. TO PARAPHRASE OUR GLORIOUS COMMANDER IN CHIEF, DONALD JOHN TRUMP, WE MUST NOT SURRENDER TO THE FALSE SONG OF AWKWARD SILENCE!
USE CODE “MEDIUM” FOR 67% OFF OUR ALPHA TURBO EAGLE ENHANCEMENT SUPPLEMENTS. IT’S A FUCKING PAIN LUGGING AROUND YOUR STAINLESS STEEL .600 NITRO EXPRESS REVOLVER TO COMPENSATE AT THE DINNER TABLE, BUT NOW YOU WON’T HAVE TO! NOW MAYBE MY FUCKING SON WILL SPEAK TO ME AGAIN. NOW MAYBE THE SUBVERSIVE GLOBALIST AGENTS WON’T BASTE MY TURKEYS WITH LIQUIDATED CHEMTRAILS, OR BUG MY AIR VENTS WITH REMOTE VIEWING DEVICES. WHY WON’T MY FUCKING SON FUCKING OPEN UP TO ME ANYMORE. I STILL LOVE YOU WINSTON BERETTA. DON’T BELIEVE THE MAINSTREAM MEDIA, OR YOUR BARREN HARLOT MOTHER’S FUCKING MENOPAUSAL LIES. FUCKING SHIT FUCKING FLUORIDATED FUCKING WATER. GOD DAMN IT.
BY Grind All
Doing White People Things
NEW BRUNSWICK-Freshman Nick Corey has reportedly told friends his Halloween plans include taking a bus from the quads on Livingston to College Ave around 11 p.m. Sources close to Corey say that the freshman is confident he will be able to easily get to the College Ave campus in about 10 minutes, a sad understatement.
When asked why he believes he’ll be able to do this Corey responded “why wouldn’t I?” a statement which completely confirms his total disillusionment.
“I know getting on a LX sucks during the day but this is at night so it’s gotta be different,” said Corey. “Also Rutgers is awesome about always having a bus available so I’m sure they will put out more buses on Halloween,” a statement which also shows his complete disillusionment of how Rutgers actually works.
Those close to him have tried to tell him the reality of the situation but apparently it has fallen on deaf ears.
“I keep trying to tell him! He’s just won’t listen,” said roommate Ryan Kennedy. “Poor guy actually thinks he’ll be able to get on a bus! He has no idea what he’s in for.”
Kennedy has also confirmed that Corey will be dressed as “one night stand” quite literally. Corey plans on wearing a cardboard box complete with a lamp shade balancing on top of his head.
“I know it’s a rather large costume,” said Corey. “But I’m sure there will be space on the bus to fit it all.”
BY Hottie Patatty
1. Studies show that masturbating won’t make you blind, but it will make you want to masturbate more. Wait, you want to know what the studies are? Idk, go ask Bill Nye (Bill Nye the Science Guy!!!).
2. If you’re gonna let your man jizz all over your face, at least have him drink pineapple juice beforehand. That way, your face will smell like fruity cum instead of regular cum that smells like sweaty gymsocks (yes, I went there).
3. Forget having a salad as a meal. Just get really, really high so you can eat as much junkfood as you want. That way, you won’t feel guilty because you’ll be too fucking lit to care.
4. Look in the mirror every morning and tell yourself you’re beautiful instead of waiting for your stepdad to say it.
5. Don’t ever throw a 9/11 barbecue. It’s wrong and tacky. Throw MLK day barbecue instead, there won’t be as much (if any) outrage over that.
6. Love yourself always. Unless you’re a bad person. In that case, get yourself together you piece of shit.
7. Collect as many cardboard boxes as you can. That way when you are broke and jobless after graduation like the rest of us, you’ll at least have a home.
That’s all I have this week. Come back next week for more lifestyletips. Maybe. I might get too lazy to come up with any more, so theres that.
BY Anthony Kiedis
Recently I read a list online that Flea sent me that named the top 10 lyricists of all time. It had Bob Dylan and John Lennon as the two greatest lyricists of all time. To that I say fuck you, I’m the greatest of all time. They never even fucking talk about Los Angeles! Not once in any of their songs have I heard them say anything about the City of Angels, the city I live in! Sure they might mention heroin and other drugs in a few songs, but I do that every fucking song. I live for that California shit, just like I live for my homeland of California. Any list that doesn’t have me at number 1 is wrong. That’s like Los Angeles not giving our new California single, Dark Necessities, the Grammy next year for Song of the Year. It is blasphemy, or as I would say, Califorphemy.
Honestly, just take a look at my ba-zumba work. I wrote a song about Los Angeles, where I didn’t even say the word Los Angeles. See, I just called it the City of Angels, since if you didn’t know, it translates to The Angels. So as a result doo dingle, it is known as the City of Angels. That’s the kind of Los Angeles brilliance that someone like Dylan never ba-di ba-displayed. I fucking wrote Give it Away, all Lennon wrote was In My Life. I didn’t see him fucking rap like me — California — he didn’t crunga crungive it away. Ding dang dong dong ding dang dong dong ding dang I fucking rhyme everything, and I gave it to your mother and father. It’s fucking californibullshit.
All I’m californisaying ba do ba di crunga dunga brunga Los Angeles California, doo doo doo chug a lug boop boop a doop shoop shoop. Poop da scoop. Ding dang dong dong ding dang dong dong ding dang I’m a low brow but I rock a little know how. No time for the piggies or the hoosegow. Get smart get down with the pow wow. Never been a better time than right now. californigreatest, and don’t you forget it, or I’ma set it, get it, pet it like a lettuce. . californigreatest, and don’t you forget it, or I’ma set it, get it, pet it like a lettuce.