BY Barbara Not Walters
Sad Brown Chick
SOMEWHERE BAD—After suffering an incredible loss in the presidential election, Green Party candidate Dr. Jill Stein made a drastic decision.
Going strictly against her own beliefs, Stein went ahead and used Wi-Fi in an attempt to end her own life. Throughout her campaign, Stein had been a staunch critic of Wi-Fi use, claiming that the radiation “hurts kids and fries their brains.”
Although her views were controversial and widely refuted by scientists, Stein remained adamant that Wi-Fi radiation is harmful and could lead to death.
Wednesday morning, Stein was found laying beside an open Belkin box with her head atop a router. At the time of discovery, she was three-quarters through downloading the entire series “The Young and the Restless.”
Stein’s campaign manager, Gloria Mattera, was shocked when she discovered what her candidate had done.
“I knew she had been upset by the results of the election, but I didn’t think it was this bad.” Mattera continued, “Obviously we know that Wi-Fi is not harmful to one’s brain, but Jill really believed that shit. So for her to try and end her own life by this method really tells me that she must have been in a very dark place.”
Stein is currently being held in a mandatory 72-hour psychiatric hold in order to determine her current mental state. She has not been allowed access to phones, television, or–of course–the Internet.
Mattera entreated that reporters mention the Stein campaign’s continued fundraising efforts. “Hospital stays don’t come cheap and we can really use help with the bills. Please visit Jill2016.com so we can care for this sick, sick woman.
“It doesn’t make anything easier that her family insists that the applesauce in which her pills be hidden is locally-sourced USDA-certified organic.”
An anonymous nurse at Stein’s hospital has said that since waking, Stein has only uttered one sentence:
“Fucking Gary Fucking Johnson. FUCK!”
BY Jill Stein
Sad White Dude
SALT LAKE CITY—Last night, in a shocking upset, Gary Johnson won the election for President of the United States of America. After an election season unlike anything seen before in American history, the people of the USA can finally take a deep breath before reflecting on the impending shitstorm that they have brought upon their country.
Gary Johnson had been steadily polling at around 4% of the popular vote for the final few months leading up to the election, so it may come as a surprise that he clinched the magic 270 electoral college votes to win the election before any other candidate. Reportedly, it came as a complete shock to most Americans that anyone besides Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton was running.
On Tuesday, many voters walked into the voting booths dejected, knowing that no matter what were to happen that day, America was screwed. They would have to choose between two options they didn’t like.
Local voter Inez Gardner spoke to reporters outside her polling station. “I just remember looking at my ballot and I saw that there were several names in-line with Trump and Clinton. I was shocked,” she recalled, “I remember thinking, ‘Holy fuck, we can just choose someone else?’ So, I went and filled in the first bubble I saw. I didn’t remember his name afterward, but I think it probably was that Gary guy that ended up winning.”
Gardner apparently had no idea that Johnson was running for President. She did, however, express some concern over her vote. “I mean, I hope he’s a good guy. He can’t be possibly worse than the other two, right?”
Reportedly, it wasn’t just Gardner who got so excited upon seeing a different name than Trump or Clinton that they voted for the next name they saw. Millions of Americans ended up voting for Johnson just out of sheer excitement that there was another option. This morning, Google searches for ‘Gary Johnson’ surged by an astronomical seven thousand percent. The American people are desperately researching their new President-Elect in an effort to gain an understanding of the man that they just voted into office.
The new President-Elect is reportedly celebrating his victory by sparking up a huge joint with his campaign staff of four college interns. He has invited the great American people who voted for him to his party but has politely requested that people throw fives for the keg they ordered.
BY Jimbo Frugaloop
Currently Glued to Chair
WASHINGTON D.C.– After Clinton’s decisive win of the democratic ticket in June, the American people, regardless of political inclination, have had a disheveled old man-sized hole in their heart, one that Jill Stein is attempting to fill. At only a staggering 1% approval rating in the most recent polls for the general election, Stein is coming to terms with the fact that even though she is the smartest person in consideration, it’s possible that she may not win. With this thought drilling into the Harvard sized brain of Stein, she has slowly begun to fill the role of crazy old grandparent, hoping to swing the votes of the elderly and the dependent eighteen year-old grandchildren. Her platform, rather than focusing on the environmental policies that her party is associated with, now revolves around the old wives’ tales that we hear from our grandparents who are just a little racist enough to still be endearing; ideas such as WiFi causing harmful radiation and vaccines causing autism.
Being cautious to avoid controversy, she has avoided taking a hard stance on any of these ideas, using words and phrases such as “probably” and “I dunno” that really convince people that she is the candidate that will get things done. Our inside sources also have reason to believe that Stein will stop combing her hair and begin to wear oversized suits to really nail that “wise sage” look that’s all the rage these days. We have also heard reports of cats coming and going from inside her house, with a new sighting each week. However, we can’t be sure if these are Stein’s or if she has simply stopped taking her new medication and has forgotten to close her doors. Overall, Stein has a growing fanbase that is sick of the stupidity of her three frontrunners, and as long as she avoids opening any Q&A forums on some of the more intellectual communities on the Internet, she should see a huge spike in her ratings.
BY Tonto Goldberg
WASHINGTON–Staff for Hillary Clinton have announced that she will be suspending all of her campaigning before Election Day. Although there has not been an official statement to the press, political pundits speculate that her lack of appearances is due to her running out of pantsuits to wear while on the campaign trail.
Those within her campaign report that Clinton has tried numerous times to get into her account, but can’t remember her password. While this is common, Trump’s investigative doctors are attributing the sudden memory loss to a preexisting medical condition.
Luckily for Clinton, Russian President for life Vladimir Putin has offered to hack Clinton’s email to help her retrieve her password. Even Donald Trump has weighted in on the issue. In a statement to Fox news he said, “We don’t know who could hack Clinton’s account, it could be Russians but it also could be China we just don’t know.”
When asked about this dilemma, forgotten nominee Gary Jonson issued his response via an interpretive dance which reads as follows: “Who cares about Clinton and her pantsuits or emails. The sun is going to eventually grow and encompass the Earth anyway.”
Bernie Sanders has said that he is surprised that this “Wall Street candidate like Clinton needs JC Penny rewards to buy her pantsuits. My family has been using JC Penny rewards since we were evicted from the Casbah in the late 90’s. We needed to save every penny because we came out of the Casbah ‘dead broke.’”
As this story developed, a tape was released by Fox News early this morning wherein Clinton is recorded saying to former President Bill Clinton “This is the exact reason why I don’t have stronger passwords!”
There has been no word yet on whether Secretary Clinton has considered buying pantsuits elsewhere.