Tag Archives: WiFi

Student Joyous Over a ‘Message Failed to Send’ Notification

Latkah
Resident New Kid

NEW BRUNSWICK— C.J. Kumar was found emphatically dancing to K-POP music on the Tuesday morning before her Communication Theory exam outside of Alexander Library on College Avenue.

“I wasn’t even high or anything last night, but I almost sent this embarrassing text message to this guy in my media class,” he told us, “It was suppose to be to my best friend, it read, ‘I heard Idris Elba’s in New York right now. If he’s in New York I’m in New York’ with screenshot of train tickets I’d just bought. I really never thought I’d be so grateful for Rutgers spotty WiFi!”

C.J. claims she went back to studying for her midterm but wondered in the back if her mind as to why her friend never texted back. According to an anonymous source, she loudly proclaimed that she was on a social media cleanse for the rest of the night and fell asleep in the Graduate Reading Room approximately 15 minutes later. Much to the relief of our source, C.J. didn’t snore, albeit, she did sporadically blurt out strings of innocuous Korean phrases. Our source finds it important to assert that she knows this because her parents speak Korean and not because she is a fan of K-Pop.

The morning after these events took place is when C.J. ended her cleanse and proceeded to check for a response from her friends when she opened up her phone and saw the “message failed to send notification.’ on a message she tried sending to her classmate who she declined to identify. We later found out from word mouth on the LX bus that dancing routines had become a common coping mechanism for students specializing in Health and Wellness Communication.

And we would suppose that avoided embarrassment demands a certain degree of coping.
“I bet Idris is still in New York,” she said opening up her iMessage app, “I should text my friend asking if she still wants to go.” When we reminded her that she had an exam today she exclaimed what we presume to be a Korean expletive and took off running towards the general direction or the Voorhees Mall.

C. J. also added later in an email to The Medium, “Mom, if you’re reading this by high I meant I was on the top floor of Alex. It has 83 floors you know. I actually got lost last week on my way to my Planet Earth exam, which is why I might have failed. They said it was going to be an easy A!”

Jill Stein Attempts Suicide Via Wi-Fi

BY Barbara Not Walters
Sad Brown Chick

SOMEWHERE BAD—After suffering an incredible loss in the presidential election, Green Party candidate Dr. Jill Stein made a drastic decision.

Going strictly against her own beliefs, Stein went ahead and used Wi-Fi in an attempt to end her own life. Throughout her campaign, Stein had been a staunch critic of Wi-Fi use, claiming that the radiation “hurts kids and fries their brains.”

Although her views were controversial and widely refuted by scientists, Stein remained adamant that Wi-Fi radiation is harmful and could lead to death.

Wednesday morning, Stein was found laying beside an open Belkin box with her head atop a router. At the time of discovery, she was three-quarters through downloading the entire series “The Young and the Restless.”

Stein’s campaign manager, Gloria Mattera, was shocked when she discovered what her candidate had done.

“I knew she had been upset by the results of the election, but I didn’t think it was this bad.” Mattera continued, “Obviously we know that Wi-Fi is not harmful to one’s brain, but Jill really believed that shit. So for her to try and end her own life by this method really tells me that she must have been in a very dark place.”

Stein is currently being held in a mandatory 72-hour psychiatric hold in order to determine her current mental state. She has not been allowed access to phones, television, or–of course–the Internet.

Mattera entreated that reporters mention the Stein campaign’s continued fundraising efforts. “Hospital stays don’t come cheap and we can really use help with the bills. Please visit Jill2016.com so we can care for this sick, sick woman.

“It doesn’t make anything easier that her family insists that the applesauce in which her pills be hidden is locally-sourced USDA-certified organic.”

An anonymous nurse at Stein’s hospital has said that since waking, Stein has only uttered one sentence:

“Fucking Gary Fucking Johnson. FUCK!”

Jill Stein Trying Desperately to Fill Grandparent Role

BY Jimbo Frugaloop
Currently Glued to Chair

WASHINGTON D.C.– After Clinton’s decisive win of the democratic ticket in June, the American people, regardless of political inclination, have had a disheveled old man-sized hole in their heart, one that Jill Stein is attempting to fill. At only a staggering 1% approval rating in the most recent polls for the general election, Stein is coming to terms with the fact that even though she is the smartest person in consideration, it’s possible that she may not win. With this thought drilling into the Harvard sized brain of Stein, she has slowly begun to fill the role of crazy old grandparent, hoping to swing the votes of the elderly and the dependent eighteen year-old grandchildren. Her platform, rather than focusing on the environmental policies that her party is associated with, now revolves around the old wives’ tales that we hear from our grandparents who are just a little racist enough to still be endearing; ideas such as WiFi causing harmful radiation and vaccines causing autism.steingrandma

Being cautious to avoid controversy, she has avoided taking a hard stance on any of these ideas, using words and phrases such as “probably” and “I dunno” that really convince people that she is the candidate that will get things done. Our inside sources also have reason to believe that Stein will stop combing her hair and begin to wear oversized suits to really nail that “wise sage” look that’s all the rage these days. We have also heard reports of cats coming and going from inside her house, with a new sighting each week. However, we can’t be sure if these are Stein’s or if she has simply stopped taking her new medication and has forgotten to close her doors. Overall, Stein has a growing fanbase that is sick of the stupidity of her three frontrunners, and as long as she avoids opening any Q&A forums on some of the more intellectual communities on the Internet, she should see a huge spike in her ratings.