BY Jimbo Frugaloop
Currently Glued to Chair
WASHINGTON D.C.– After Clinton’s decisive win of the democratic ticket in June, the American people, regardless of political inclination, have had a disheveled old man-sized hole in their heart, one that Jill Stein is attempting to fill. At only a staggering 1% approval rating in the most recent polls for the general election, Stein is coming to terms with the fact that even though she is the smartest person in consideration, it’s possible that she may not win. With this thought drilling into the Harvard sized brain of Stein, she has slowly begun to fill the role of crazy old grandparent, hoping to swing the votes of the elderly and the dependent eighteen year-old grandchildren. Her platform, rather than focusing on the environmental policies that her party is associated with, now revolves around the old wives’ tales that we hear from our grandparents who are just a little racist enough to still be endearing; ideas such as WiFi causing harmful radiation and vaccines causing autism.
Being cautious to avoid controversy, she has avoided taking a hard stance on any of these ideas, using words and phrases such as “probably” and “I dunno” that really convince people that she is the candidate that will get things done. Our inside sources also have reason to believe that Stein will stop combing her hair and begin to wear oversized suits to really nail that “wise sage” look that’s all the rage these days. We have also heard reports of cats coming and going from inside her house, with a new sighting each week. However, we can’t be sure if these are Stein’s or if she has simply stopped taking her new medication and has forgotten to close her doors. Overall, Stein has a growing fanbase that is sick of the stupidity of her three frontrunners, and as long as she avoids opening any Q&A forums on some of the more intellectual communities on the Internet, she should see a huge spike in her ratings.