BY Tonto Goldberg
WASHINGTON–Staff for Hillary Clinton have announced that she will be suspending all of her campaigning before Election Day. Although there has not been an official statement to the press, political pundits speculate that her lack of appearances is due to her running out of pantsuits to wear while on the campaign trail.
Those within her campaign report that Clinton has tried numerous times to get into her account, but can’t remember her password. While this is common, Trump’s investigative doctors are attributing the sudden memory loss to a preexisting medical condition.
Luckily for Clinton, Russian President for life Vladimir Putin has offered to hack Clinton’s email to help her retrieve her password. Even Donald Trump has weighted in on the issue. In a statement to Fox news he said, “We don’t know who could hack Clinton’s account, it could be Russians but it also could be China we just don’t know.”
When asked about this dilemma, forgotten nominee Gary Jonson issued his response via an interpretive dance which reads as follows: “Who cares about Clinton and her pantsuits or emails. The sun is going to eventually grow and encompass the Earth anyway.”
Bernie Sanders has said that he is surprised that this “Wall Street candidate like Clinton needs JC Penny rewards to buy her pantsuits. My family has been using JC Penny rewards since we were evicted from the Casbah in the late 90’s. We needed to save every penny because we came out of the Casbah ‘dead broke.’”
As this story developed, a tape was released by Fox News early this morning wherein Clinton is recorded saying to former President Bill Clinton “This is the exact reason why I don’t have stronger passwords!”
There has been no word yet on whether Secretary Clinton has considered buying pantsuits elsewhere.