BY Tonto Goldberg
WASHINGTON–Staff for Hillary Clinton have announced that she will be suspending all of her campaigning before Election Day. Although there has not been an official statement to the press, political pundits speculate that her lack of appearances is due to her running out of pantsuits to wear while on the campaign trail.
Those within her campaign report that Clinton has tried numerous times to get into her account, but can’t remember her password. While this is common, Trump’s investigative doctors are attributing the sudden memory loss to a preexisting medical condition.
Luckily for Clinton, Russian President for life Vladimir Putin has offered to hack Clinton’s email to help her retrieve her password. Even Donald Trump has weighted in on the issue. In a statement to Fox news he said, “We don’t know who could hack Clinton’s account, it could be Russians but it also could be China we just don’t know.”
When asked about this dilemma, forgotten nominee Gary Jonson issued his response via an interpretive dance which reads as follows: “Who cares about Clinton and her pantsuits or emails. The sun is going to eventually grow and encompass the Earth anyway.”
Bernie Sanders has said that he is surprised that this “Wall Street candidate like Clinton needs JC Penny rewards to buy her pantsuits. My family has been using JC Penny rewards since we were evicted from the Casbah in the late 90’s. We needed to save every penny because we came out of the Casbah ‘dead broke.’”
As this story developed, a tape was released by Fox News early this morning wherein Clinton is recorded saying to former President Bill Clinton “This is the exact reason why I don’t have stronger passwords!”
There has been no word yet on whether Secretary Clinton has considered buying pantsuits elsewhere.
By Sawyer Gnus Editor
BOCA RATON, FL—At the Democrats’ Town Hall late Monday night, Senator Bernie Sanders introduced a new campaign promise: government-subsidized retirement condominiums in sunny Florida. He claims that in addition to free tuition for public colleges and free healthcare, he can provide free beachside shuffleboard court access.
“Ninety-nine percent,” announced Sanders, “of eightyeight-year-olds move to climates that average seventy-seven degrees Fahrenheit…three-hundred-sixty-five days a year.
We can’t treat our retirees the way we treat our veterans by allowing them to starve out in the colder climates. We’ll tax Wall Street and have the defunct Meals on Wheels take care of moving them.” Critics point out that Sanders is just targeting another large voter group to improve his chances against Hillary. Marcia Brody, a spokesperson for the Sanders campaign, explained, “He’s huge with millennials but needs more support. Despite his record in civil rights advocacy, he still doesn’t have the black vote. It’s time we steal some supporters from Trump and the gang, specifically, the ones with dementia.”
This promise actually provided the geriatric Democrat underdog an unexpected boost in Republican support. Many congressmen across the country are aged similar to Sanders and they see this as an opportunity to live their final years more comfortably. And although John McCain and his geriatric comrades now support Sanders, fresher faces in the GOP such as Marco Rubio don’t fall so easily for the Vermont senator’s pandering. “I’m young enough to not be swayed by his promises of a free condo and being able to use coupons on top of early bird discounts. Besides, I already live in Florida. My constituents won’t be affected by this proposal. More importantly, I’m not a direct beneficiary of it, so I’m not voting for Bernie. I’d suspend my own campaign first!”
At press time, Rubio was peering into the mirror, pondering his extreme thirst, heavy earlobes, and love for applesauce. Chances are he’ll be throwing in the towel soon and endorsing