BY Jill Stein
Sad White Dude
SALT LAKE CITY—Last night, in a shocking upset, Gary Johnson won the election for President of the United States of America. After an election season unlike anything seen before in American history, the people of the USA can finally take a deep breath before reflecting on the impending shitstorm that they have brought upon their country.
Gary Johnson had been steadily polling at around 4% of the popular vote for the final few months leading up to the election, so it may come as a surprise that he clinched the magic 270 electoral college votes to win the election before any other candidate. Reportedly, it came as a complete shock to most Americans that anyone besides Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton was running.
On Tuesday, many voters walked into the voting booths dejected, knowing that no matter what were to happen that day, America was screwed. They would have to choose between two options they didn’t like.
Local voter Inez Gardner spoke to reporters outside her polling station. “I just remember looking at my ballot and I saw that there were several names in-line with Trump and Clinton. I was shocked,” she recalled, “I remember thinking, ‘Holy fuck, we can just choose someone else?’ So, I went and filled in the first bubble I saw. I didn’t remember his name afterward, but I think it probably was that Gary guy that ended up winning.”
Gardner apparently had no idea that Johnson was running for President. She did, however, express some concern over her vote. “I mean, I hope he’s a good guy. He can’t be possibly worse than the other two, right?”
Reportedly, it wasn’t just Gardner who got so excited upon seeing a different name than Trump or Clinton that they voted for the next name they saw. Millions of Americans ended up voting for Johnson just out of sheer excitement that there was another option. This morning, Google searches for ‘Gary Johnson’ surged by an astronomical seven thousand percent. The American people are desperately researching their new President-Elect in an effort to gain an understanding of the man that they just voted into office.
The new President-Elect is reportedly celebrating his victory by sparking up a huge joint with his campaign staff of four college interns. He has invited the great American people who voted for him to his party but has politely requested that people throw fives for the keg they ordered.