Category Archives: Volume LII Issue VII

Retired Wrestler Launches Political Campaign

BY Soon to be Dead Reporter
Not Dead Yet

NEW YORK—Former WWE Superstar Jason “The Table Hurler” Campbell has announced his intention to run for local office. Last year, The Table Hurler suffered a serious leg injury by falling off the arena after successfully defeating his arch rival, Frankie “Eyeball Eater” Jones.

“He should’ve been more careful, I mean, a fourteen inch fall is nothing to sneeze at.” Lamented Paul Staton, The Table Hurler’s manager.

The Table Hurler decided to run for local office after realizing that politics and professional wrestling are essentially the same thing.“I’m used to a career that’s based almost entirely on flashy showmanship. Take my relationship with the Eyeball Eater, for example. We pretended to be opponents, choreographed our moves in advance, and we’re both paid by the same companies. Hell, the matches have predetermined outcomes!” Mr. Table Hurler explained.

Wikileaks released emails proving that the primaries were rigged earlier this year. The revelation strengthened the idea that switching to politics would be a natural choice.The Table Hurler later stated that becoming a politician that flip-flops his opinions excessively would be a further extension of his old habits of switching between being a face and a heel depending on the situation at hand and the needs of the WWE.

When asked what his policies are, The Table Hurler simply stated that the easiest way to get elected would probably be to research the viewpoints of both presidential candidates, and claim his views are as far away as theirs as possible.

Clinton Panicking Over Inauguration Outfit

WASHINGTON D.C.- With only two weeks left until this historic election comes to a climactic, earth-shattering end, and Hillary Clinton, confident in her win that she will be our next Commander-in-Chief, is now stressed over a much more daunting objective: High Fashion.

Clinton has made it her prerogative throughout her career and campaign to dress for the job she wants and not the job she has, and in her case the President is one snazzy bitch. However, after nailing her debate attire with the clever red, blue, and white scheme, she now feels that she cannot live up to expectations for her inauguration ceremony.pantsuits.png

“I can’t wait to see how that gorgeous trendsetter is going to look with her fab hand on the bible. It’s basically what I’m looking forward to most this year” says supporter Joana Morrison. Obviously as the first woman in office she could not use the common tactic of alluding to the attires previous presidents chose for their inaugurations, such as Gerald Ford’s reproduction of John F. Kennedy’s famous black shirt/red tie combination. Instead, Hillary will have to break new ground and embrace the spotlight, with a million eyes looking at her outfit and judging her for the choice of pant suit color and matching shoes. While going through the rainbow in her head, our inside sources have found that Clinton has narrowed her choices down to lovable orange, fearless black, and trustworthy green.

“I just have so many good qualities that can be represented through expression in my physical appearance, it’s too difficult a choice! I need something that screams ‘Presidential’ but also says, ‘Hey, I’m just a regular human gal like everyone else’” said Clinton, when asked about her email scandal. Many historians are calling this the most impactful decision that a future president will have to make before entering office, and as the confident and powerful woman that she is, almost everyone believes she can live up to the hype.

Seeing Eye Puppy Club Interrupts Frisbee Golf Intramural Game

BY Mike Hawk
Pun Enthusiast

PISCATAWAY—Rutgers seeing eye puppy club becomes more diverse as they allow more types of dogs to become service dogs. Previously, seeing eye dogs have been limited to only certain breeds but here at our very own Rutgers New Brunswick, they have taken the initiative to be inclusive in the types of dogs they allow to be groomed for service. When asked about the change a spokesperson for the club had this to say. “We decided to provide a more equal opportunity environment for all kinds of dogs. I think it is safe to say that there was a problem with the way we as people treat other kinds of dogs and the first step to fixing the problem is acknowledging that there is one.” This has led to a great increase in the number of dogs present on campus as well as an increase in the number of trainers.

Dogs and their trainers have run rampant around New Brunswick, causing distractions all around campus. The most notable distraction being the complete disruption of frisbee golf games here at Rutgers. The Rutgers Intramural Sports Association (RISA) has received a lot of complaints from students just trying to enjoy their evening with a nice relaxing game of frisbee golf. We have collected some of the written complaints and have them presented here to you for you to form an opinion on whether the hatred toward the dogs are warranted or not.

pup
EVERY DOG HAS ITS DAY Black lab, Buckly, is rewarded for successful catch

“These dogs make no contribution to society!” exclaimed one very angry student, “I mean they’re kinda cute, I just hate the fact that they just shit everywhere” said another, and finally, “This used to be a nice neighborhood with nice dogs, until all of these other types came along.” It appears the student body has a mixed reception of the new influx of dogs.

The sheer increase in the number of animals on campus has caused huge sidewalk traffic jams because of students stopping to pet the service dogs. Accompanied with the traffic jams is an uproar from the professors here at Rutgers NB. Before, the dogs were able to lay down quietly during lecture but have been shown to become more rowdy in groups, causing major disruptions during class. It is clear to see that we as a community need to become more accepting of the different kinds of dogs here on campus.

Ideal Pets For Your Dorm Room

BY Latin Mama

I miss my dogs so fucking badly that I cry myself to sleep every night. But really, I do. Well, sucks for me, cuz I can’t them in my on-campus apartments. But…where there’s a will, there’s a way, aka LOOPHOLES! Here are some pets that you can sneak into your dorm/apartment for some much-needed company.

Hermit Crab. Their cages smell like 4-day-old butthole and they will most definitely pinch you (think nipple clamps…owwwwww), not to mention that they are also pretty terrible company-wise. But hey, having this smelly little friend is much better than being alone scrolling through Tinder!

Cat. The cat will most likely spend his or her days plotting your murder, so on second thought, absolutely don’t get a cat (aka the spawn of Satan) unless you have a death wish.

Goldfish. How could this go wrong, right? WRONG. Remember that kid in the fifth grade who always poured waaaaaaay too much fish food into the cage and killed poor little Freddy? Yeah, as long as you don’t get too high and do that (good luck), you should be fine.

Plant. Be honest with yourself: you can hardly even take care of yourself (when was the last time you trimmed your pubes?), so why complicate things and get a pet? The best option is to get a plant and call it a day. Careful: while this seems like the easy-way-out, it still has the potential to become fucked up nine ways to Sunday (overwatering, accidentally peeing into it in a drunken stupor, etc.). On second thought, just continue being alone and call it a day.

Why I Will Never Learn CPR

BY Brandon the Assholebrandon.png

If you’ve been at Rutgers as long as I have, you’ve almost certainly seen a plethora of useless classes. We’ve got things like pre-calculus (Calc exists, just do that), the entirety of the History curriculum, and Expos. However, the most useless class of all is none of those. It is CPR.

Let me explain. First, I’m not arguing against the fact that CPR can be useful in certain circumstances. I’m just saying that the chances are kind of small. Like, the chances of Rutgers not completely fucking you over if given the opportunity small.

Second, it feels too similar to kissing, and the idea of kissing people that are nearly dead is kinda gross. And they can’t kiss you back, on account of being too busy fighting for your life. The tongue would be identical to a dead slug in function.

Third, and most importantly, if you know CPR, you’re morally obligated to use it. Let me explain why that’s such a big deal. Three years ago, I shared a dorm with a man who quickly grew to be my worst enemy. He stole my video games, had sex with my girlfriend on my bed, and has terrible taste in movies.

I had to live with this asshole for a month, and then Lady Luck finally shined on me. My roommate stopped breathing and collapsed. I don’t know why, maybe he drank too much. I don’t care.

Anyway, I don’t know CPR, so I just watched. It was the best eight minutes of my life. I’m telling you, nothing beats the warm fuzzy feeling you get when watching the life slowly leave the eyes of your enemies. Hearing the gasps of breath as he tries desperately to hold on. Admittedly, the smell of his post death bowel release is kind of gross, but it’s nice to know you don’t have to deal with your enemy ever again.

After experiencing that profound morning, I came to an epiphany. I will never learn CPR as long as I live.

I Don’t Know Why I’m Failing!

BY Owen the Freshmanbabysawyer

My teacher should be fired! What a complete asshole. Imagine this, I haven’t done any homework this semester because its only 15% of your grade. So naturally I was a little behind: no big deal right? I’ll just miss class and say I was sick and take the make up test. Wrong! My teacher said I didn’t have any official excuse and isn’t letting me. She’s being seriously unfair you know? I mean all things considered I should just get a decent grade; I’m paying all of this money–well my parents are actually–either way I should just get a decent grade automatically. It gets even worse too; I failed my expos essay again just because it was one page less than the 4 page minimum requirement. It’s like the other 3 pages don’t even matter! I figure I should get at least a 75% on it since I have 3 out of the 4 pages but my teacher isn’t accepting any of it. I lost the syllabus too so there’s no way I could’ve known about the 4 page requirement. I keep trying to send the principal an email but I can’t find him online, it’s like this dumb school doesn’t even have one.