BY Stan Sharona
Holy fucking shit! I’ve been on the toilet for the past two fucking hours and I don’t think there’s any chance that I get off of here anytime soon. I can’t take it. My ass is so raw. I have been trying to get off of the throne for so long. I keep wiping and wiping and wiping, but it just keeps coming out of me. Like a goddamn river! I keep thinking I’m done, and just when I start to get off, I give myself one more push, just to see, and I feel it. I feel that squirt of another poop nugget and I’m back at it again.
I’ve been doing this for two fucking hours, I’ve missed one class already, and there is no chance I’m making it to my other one in time. I’m really worried too, because I’ve already gone through two rolls of toilet paper, and I’m down to the last one, anything past that point and it’s the Targum that I keep in here.
I’ll admit it, I actually got out a few minutes ago, but then I instantly rushed back in as I felt the torrent of shit about to erupt out of my asshole. It isn’t even just shit anymore! The toilet paper is coming out looking like someone dragged the Imperial Japanese Navy flag from World War II through a large puddle of mud. In the past two hours, I swear I have developed at least three hemorrhoids and I can feel them pushing out of me. One is definitely dangling. I can see it too, it’s just there, bloodying up the toilet bowl.
I can’t fucking take it any longer, I want to die. It won’t fucking stop, I just keep shitting. I just want this life to end. This is the fucking worst, and I’m about to use my last square of toilet paper. My asshole is so fucking raw it hurts to wipe. And I think my anus just prolapsed.
BY Latin Mama
1 Package of Ramen (**doesn’t matter what flavor, they all taste like butthole**)
1. Place Ramen and water into the same dirty bowl that you ate ice cream out of last night because it’s the only one you own. Press wrong microwave setting and cook until molten lava hot.
2. Spill some of the water on yourself as you take it out of the tiny-ass microwave on top of your fridge. Scream expletives loudly (fuck, mierda, cockmonkey, ballsack-shitballs, etc.).
3. Add salt. I know, Ramen is already salty AF, but it’s the only flavor additive you have in your room (unless you count the strawberry-flavored lube they were giving out for free at the student center).
4. Eat Ramen as you burn your tongue 40 times, while simultaneously allowing a single tear to fall down your cheek as you slowly realize: if you don’t eventually date someone who knows how to cook, you’ll be eating this way for the rest of your life. Enjoy your high sodium reality, Scarlet Knights!
BY Jordan BellenderAs a privileged, alt-right, 20 something, cis-male I for one appreciate all that Donald Trump has brought to the culture of America this election season. The concept of being able to call a former US Senator, First Lady, and Secretary of State a “nasty woman” on the national stage is liberating. These were opinions that I would usually have to keep sequestered inside of me, but now thanks to “The Donald” it’s now an acceptable term in everyday parlance. Also we have a new phrase added to the lexicon of locker room talk, “Grab ‘em by the pussy” only The Donald could have written prose of such caliber for the everyday man.
Donald Trump has gone above and beyond the call of duty this election cycle by bringing the level of discussion to an all new level, one where we can bypass the stifling nature of political correctness and start talking about the real issues that Americans face. About all those “bad hombres” on the streets going around raping and murdering kids, and creating damning nicknames of career politicians. In my eyes there is no greater American than the Trumpster.
The white male has been oppressed for far too long, but thanks to the Donald we can now cast off our chains and embrace the freedoms entitled to all Americans. There was Susan B. Anthony, Martin Luther King Jr, and Harvey Milk for all those other people, but now is the time for the champion and demagogue of the white cis-male!
BY Jacques Shtrappo
Kids nowadays with all their fancy gizmos and Facebooks means that making love ain’t like it used to be. Back in my day, we would just show a little ankle and hope he didn’t have the pox, and then the magic happened. So let old granny tell you how I keep things fresh on the ole’ straw bed.
My first tip is for those young ladies. Boys love it when you start talking about wanting a baby, nothing turns on a man like the thought of responsibility and the end of his youth. Now men, ladies appreciate a man who takes charge, so try to see how many layers of clothes you can poke your pulsating rod through. Remember, dry humping makes both Jesus and you happy!
Ladies: once the clothes come off, that’s when you have to start using those chompers! By biting your man’s genitals, you tell him that you are still young and healthy enough to carry his seed– nothing signifies the suppleness of youth like a bleeding scrotum. Now men, if your girl has shown her dental resilience with her bitey advances, that’s a good sign– but you need to make sure she isn’t playing you for a fool. Modern medicine has developed a technology of false teeth, called dentures. With such technology, conniving young ladies can put on the aura of youth while possessing no actual means of eating hard tack and biscuits through the winter. So, what you can do is form a fist and punch her right in the uterus to see if it sags out. A sagging uterus is a sure sign of necrotic tissue and potential gangrene. If there’s no apparent seepage from the vagina, then we can now finally begin sinning before the almighty Lord.
Now is the most crucial part. Ladies, if you experience any pleasure at all, your children are condemned to being demon spawn. Men, there is only one acceptable position, missionary, because unoriginality and lack of female empowerment is sexy. Well, that’s all that Granny can think of at the moment, but Granny will be sure to keep an ear open for any new tips that I can forward to you kids in some chain e-mail/spam format in Comic Sans. Y’all remember that granny ain’t no hollaback girl.
BY Sasha Romaine
I’ve been thinking about fucking my pet pig. His name is Umberto, and he’s my best friend. But let me take a step back.
I’ve had Umberto since I was 14, and now 22. I just recently got married last year and my husband is overseas. Not in the military, he’s a traveling salesman; he sells pillowcases.
So I spend most of the year alone, with no one to really comfort me. Except Umberto. And the thing is, Umberto is old. Pigs only live to be 8 years old, and my Umbie is 7, so I don’t have much time with him. We have such a close bond already, I want it to become even more unbreakable, and what bonds two souls more than sex?
I know what I’m saying is unconventional, but it’s not my fault. No one has ever cared for me or loved me the way Umberto has; he’s been there for me when I’m sad, and cuddles with me when I’m cold. My own husband doesn’t even do that! So of course I have to turn to my pet pig for solace.
I have the perfect spot, too. My backyard. It gets really muddy when it rains, so it’s the perfect, warm spot. I should probably go get ready, actually. It’s supposed to rain all day tomorrow.
NEW YORK CITY— Earlier this morning, animal rights group PETA reportedly bought out the NFL, in order to force football players to use live pigs instead of footballs.
The inclusion of this recent rule has been introduced with heavy scrutiny, which prompted PETA to make a statement saying, “The usage of live pigs instead of the barbaric ‘pigskins’ previously used will prevent the slaughtering of millions of pigs a year, while still maintaining the spirit of America’s favorite past-time.”
Critics of this rule have argued that the football has never been made out of pigskin, and official NFL footballs have actually been made out of cowhide since 1955. PETA has not yet responded to these claims.
Defensive lineman David Carter has become a vocal supporter of the new rule. “This is a big win for us vegans. Also a big win for pigs everywhere, cause they don’t have to die and stuff. Bit of an inconvenience for those pigs getting tossed around now, but I don’t believe that all pigs should be able to live in peace, if that means that even one pig must be sacrificed.”
Quarterback and part-time philosopher Russell Wilson had an opposing opinion to David Carter. “Why shouldn’t all pigs be able to live peaceful, free-roaming lives in exchange for the death of a member? Do the ends not justify the means in such an extreme scenario as this? If the pigs can live with the notion that they must kill one of their own to create footballs from his or her hide, then so be it I say.”
In a survey on NFL.com, when asked what the fans thought of the new ruling, 84% of surveyors were “excited as tits for field goals and touchdown dances.”