Tag Archives: President

I’m Coming Out, I Can be Free, Finally!

BY John Wassernachtneo

Finally! I can reveal myself to my family. I have been so ashamed recently, hiding away in a proverbial closet, keeping my own self locked away. I was worried people wouldn’t accept me for who I was, for what I was. But now that Donald Trump has been elected President, I can finally be true to myself and everyone around me. He has validated my identity, I am no longer afraid to hide myself away, to keep my feelings bottled up.

The world is changing, each and every day, more and more of us are able to show ourselves to the world, without having to fear judgement by our peers and by our family. We have to be strong for each other, and I believe that today, by coming out to everyone reading, this, that I can be a positive role model for others in my situation, so here we go.

I. Am. A. Neo-Nazi. And. I. Am. PROUD.

Jill Stein Attempts Suicide Via Wi-Fi

BY Barbara Not Walters
Sad Brown Chick

SOMEWHERE BAD—After suffering an incredible loss in the presidential election, Green Party candidate Dr. Jill Stein made a drastic decision.

Going strictly against her own beliefs, Stein went ahead and used Wi-Fi in an attempt to end her own life. Throughout her campaign, Stein had been a staunch critic of Wi-Fi use, claiming that the radiation “hurts kids and fries their brains.”

Although her views were controversial and widely refuted by scientists, Stein remained adamant that Wi-Fi radiation is harmful and could lead to death.

Wednesday morning, Stein was found laying beside an open Belkin box with her head atop a router. At the time of discovery, she was three-quarters through downloading the entire series “The Young and the Restless.”

Stein’s campaign manager, Gloria Mattera, was shocked when she discovered what her candidate had done.

“I knew she had been upset by the results of the election, but I didn’t think it was this bad.” Mattera continued, “Obviously we know that Wi-Fi is not harmful to one’s brain, but Jill really believed that shit. So for her to try and end her own life by this method really tells me that she must have been in a very dark place.”

Stein is currently being held in a mandatory 72-hour psychiatric hold in order to determine her current mental state. She has not been allowed access to phones, television, or–of course–the Internet.

Mattera entreated that reporters mention the Stein campaign’s continued fundraising efforts. “Hospital stays don’t come cheap and we can really use help with the bills. Please visit Jill2016.com so we can care for this sick, sick woman.

“It doesn’t make anything easier that her family insists that the applesauce in which her pills be hidden is locally-sourced USDA-certified organic.”

An anonymous nurse at Stein’s hospital has said that since waking, Stein has only uttered one sentence:

“Fucking Gary Fucking Johnson. FUCK!”

Gary Johnson Elected as 45th President of the United States

BY Jill Stein
Sad White Dude

SALT LAKE CITY—Last night, in a shocking upset, Gary Johnson won the election for President of the United States of America. After an election season unlike anything seen before in American history, the people of the USA can finally take a deep breath before reflecting on the impending shitstorm that they have brought upon their country.

Gary Johnson had been steadily polling at around 4% of the popular vote for the final few months leading up to the election, so it may come as a surprise that he clinched the magic 270 electoral college votes to win the election before any other candidate. Reportedly, it came as a complete shock to most Americans that anyone besides Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton was running.

On Tuesday, many voters walked into the voting booths dejected, knowing that no matter what were to happen that day, America was screwed. They would have to choose between two options they didn’t like.

Local voter Inez Gardner spoke to reporters outside her polling station. “I just remember looking at my ballot and I saw that there were several names in-line with Trump and Clinton. I was shocked,” she recalled, “I remember thinking, ‘Holy fuck, we can just choose someone else?’ So, I went and filled in the first bubble I saw. I didn’t remember his name afterward, but I think it probably was that Gary guy that ended up winning.”

Gardner apparently had no idea that Johnson was running for President. She did, however, express some concern over her vote. “I mean, I hope he’s a good guy. He can’t be possibly worse than the other two, right?”

Reportedly, it wasn’t just Gardner who got so excited upon seeing a different name than Trump or Clinton that they voted for the next name they saw. Millions of Americans ended up voting for Johnson just out of sheer excitement that there was another option. This morning, Google searches for ‘Gary Johnson’ surged by an astronomical seven thousand percent. The American people are desperately researching their new President-Elect in an effort to gain an understanding of the man that they just voted into office.

The new President-Elect is reportedly celebrating his victory by sparking up a huge joint with his campaign staff of four college interns. He has invited the great American people who voted for him to his party but has politely requested that people throw fives for the keg they ordered.

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You Assholes Stole My Election

BY Jeb Bushjeb

You know, I got into this presidential race because I felt I could honestly change our nation. And now I realize it’s utterly doomed. America’s voters have shown yet again to be immature; letting something as petty as the last name Bush prevent them from electing the proper candidate.

I was going to fix everything! I was America’s savior; the second coming of Reagan; the Great White Hope! I was going to undo my brother’s follies; Obama’s too! I would have ripped up every last word of Obamacare and undid every executive order of his! But you stupid motherfuckers chose Trump over me! Fine, fuck you assholes, I guess you don’t deserve a good president.

By the way, you guys don’t even know; Donald didn’t even come up with “Make America Great Again.” I did! He heard me say it at a funding meeting for the Trump Towers in Miami. Yeah, that’s right. That stupid fascist with dumb hair has been totally ripping people off.

So, Marco Rubio, right guys? No, not fucking right. He’s running around talking about how successful Florida has been lately, blah blah. Well guess what America? I did that! Not him. I was the governor, he’s just a junior goddamn senator. All that money I spent publicizing our successes in Florida, and Marco’s just going to steal all of my hard work. Suck my cock, Marco.

And not to mention that jackass Rafael Edward Cruz, aka “Ted.” You ever notice how similar “Ted” sounds to “Jeb?” Yeah, thats because Ted and Jeb are only two letters apart. Again, totally stealing my thing! Hell, I remember back when he was just Ralph Cruz. Hell, I wasted $1,800,000 on campaign materials with “TRUSTJEB!,” and then ol’ Ralph came out with “TRUSTED” and it was all over. Columba sat up all night with white out and scissors shortening it to just “JEB!” just so it wouldn’t be a total loss. Oh, and fuck you too Ben Carson. Same reason.jebby