BY Barbara Not Walters
Sad Brown Chick
SOMEWHERE BAD—After suffering an incredible loss in the presidential election, Green Party candidate Dr. Jill Stein made a drastic decision.
Going strictly against her own beliefs, Stein went ahead and used Wi-Fi in an attempt to end her own life. Throughout her campaign, Stein had been a staunch critic of Wi-Fi use, claiming that the radiation “hurts kids and fries their brains.”
Although her views were controversial and widely refuted by scientists, Stein remained adamant that Wi-Fi radiation is harmful and could lead to death.
Wednesday morning, Stein was found laying beside an open Belkin box with her head atop a router. At the time of discovery, she was three-quarters through downloading the entire series “The Young and the Restless.”
Stein’s campaign manager, Gloria Mattera, was shocked when she discovered what her candidate had done.
“I knew she had been upset by the results of the election, but I didn’t think it was this bad.” Mattera continued, “Obviously we know that Wi-Fi is not harmful to one’s brain, but Jill really believed that shit. So for her to try and end her own life by this method really tells me that she must have been in a very dark place.”
Stein is currently being held in a mandatory 72-hour psychiatric hold in order to determine her current mental state. She has not been allowed access to phones, television, or–of course–the Internet.
Mattera entreated that reporters mention the Stein campaign’s continued fundraising efforts. “Hospital stays don’t come cheap and we can really use help with the bills. Please visit Jill2016.com so we can care for this sick, sick woman.
“It doesn’t make anything easier that her family insists that the applesauce in which her pills be hidden is locally-sourced USDA-certified organic.”
An anonymous nurse at Stein’s hospital has said that since waking, Stein has only uttered one sentence:
“Fucking Gary Fucking Johnson. FUCK!”