Tag Archives: America

Indians Win Streak Totally Makes Up for Genocide

BY Stephen A. Smiff
On Everyone’s Last Nerve

CLEVELAND—Native American tribes around the country have rallied around a different kind of tribe–the Cleveland Indians.

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KILLING THE COMPETITION Native Americans come out in support of their new favorite team.

The Indians 22-game win streak not only set an American League record, but also cast aside any ill feelings Native Americans had toward white Americans, who killed their ancestors and destroyed their land.

“Honestly, after Standing Rock our people really needed a win,” said Isabela Yazzie, who lives in an Arizona reservation. “My family used to say America’s true past time was killing our people, but now that the Indians just set this record, we’re coming around to baseball.”

Native Americans have flocked to Cleveland’s Progressive Field over the last month, calling it their new spiritual home.

“Chief Wahoo used to be a symbol of ignorance, oppression and murder,” said Akecheta Sota, a Sioux Nation Chief. “Now it is my favorite mascot. Go Tribe!”

Though the country’s 300-plus reservations are comparatively poor, the Indians hot play has distracted its residents, focusing their sights on a blissful October.

“They’re going all the way this year I just know it,” said Alexander Azure, who lives in a Wyoming reservation. “Kluber is unhittable, and have you seen Lindor lately? And Bruce, what a pick up. Who cares if I have to hear about their success second hand due to our storied plight goes largely ignored, so we go without Internet and basic cable.”

In related news, Native American tribes–along with the general, sane public–think the Washington Redskins need to change their racist name.

WE SHOULD GO BACK TO PERSECUTING THE IRISH

BY John Englebertirish

When did we collectively decide that the Irish were okay? Remember the good ol’ days when the Irish ran out of potatoes and had that whole famine thing? When they came over here to America, desperate for a new life, what did we do? We told them all to fuck off out into the cold, that’s what we did. When was it that we were just like, fuck it, let’s give ‘em jobs? Maybe we should steer society back to a better time, a time when we stood by our values and posted IRISH NEED NOT APPLY on our shop windows. They’ve had it easy for far too long in this country, just showing up to their fancy jobs in their fancy cars and providing for their families. They’re getting a little too comfortable in my country, and I think it’s about time we start persecuting them again.

contrary to popular belief america is doing just fine

Grind All
America’s Correspondent

WASHINGTON–According to multiple sources America is on the brink of falling apart. News reports explaining a shooting at an elementary school, a video of a man being forcibly removed from a United flight for no reason, and an attack on the Syrian government which may or may not start WWIII have been running rampant through television networks as well as Twitter.

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DOING GOOD Look how pumped that dude is!

This is all fake news. The true news is that America is doing just fine! Other news reports detail how fine America is by focusing on stories like the return of Prison Break and Kylie Jenner finally getting her own show.

The confusion of the American state can be seen throughout the nation. Tweets from Massachusetts to Hawaii have showed citizens expressing their fear and sadness in regards to the state of the Union. This all however is unfounded. The reality of the Union is that everything is going great and no one should be worried at all!

The new iPhone is coming out! In truth, how can a nation that is unveiling the new iPhone being in turmoil? It’s not possible.

Some more proof that America is seriously doing just fine is that Mariah Carey, yes the Mimi, is coming out with a new album this year! Sources in Washington have said that an album from the pop diva could do wonders for the American economy and right every wrong ever done.

More examples of America’s prosperity can be seen in the common supermarket. Reports have shown that the amount of strawberries available for purchase in 2017 has risen 200% from where it was in 2016. The ability to get almost a hundred pound of strawberries at any given time regardless of geographic location in the US is a true testament to how fine the country is.

America is just fine just ask Kendall Jenner.

Gary Johnson Elected as 45th President of the United States

BY Jill Stein
Sad White Dude

SALT LAKE CITY—Last night, in a shocking upset, Gary Johnson won the election for President of the United States of America. After an election season unlike anything seen before in American history, the people of the USA can finally take a deep breath before reflecting on the impending shitstorm that they have brought upon their country.

Gary Johnson had been steadily polling at around 4% of the popular vote for the final few months leading up to the election, so it may come as a surprise that he clinched the magic 270 electoral college votes to win the election before any other candidate. Reportedly, it came as a complete shock to most Americans that anyone besides Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton was running.

On Tuesday, many voters walked into the voting booths dejected, knowing that no matter what were to happen that day, America was screwed. They would have to choose between two options they didn’t like.

Local voter Inez Gardner spoke to reporters outside her polling station. “I just remember looking at my ballot and I saw that there were several names in-line with Trump and Clinton. I was shocked,” she recalled, “I remember thinking, ‘Holy fuck, we can just choose someone else?’ So, I went and filled in the first bubble I saw. I didn’t remember his name afterward, but I think it probably was that Gary guy that ended up winning.”

Gardner apparently had no idea that Johnson was running for President. She did, however, express some concern over her vote. “I mean, I hope he’s a good guy. He can’t be possibly worse than the other two, right?”

Reportedly, it wasn’t just Gardner who got so excited upon seeing a different name than Trump or Clinton that they voted for the next name they saw. Millions of Americans ended up voting for Johnson just out of sheer excitement that there was another option. This morning, Google searches for ‘Gary Johnson’ surged by an astronomical seven thousand percent. The American people are desperately researching their new President-Elect in an effort to gain an understanding of the man that they just voted into office.

The new President-Elect is reportedly celebrating his victory by sparking up a huge joint with his campaign staff of four college interns. He has invited the great American people who voted for him to his party but has politely requested that people throw fives for the keg they ordered.

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Second Debate Erupts In Passionate Hate Fuck

BY Carlos Sanviento
Former Female Model

ST. LOUIS–The second debate was held last Sunday and much to the surprise of those coming out of two-year comas, it was another proverbial tire fire. While the debate began normally with both candidates secretly giving the finger, a surprising turn of events occurred at the close of the event. While Republican Candidate and Tic Tac enthusiast, Donald “Jabroni” Trump, was refusing to give his report on what he did over his summer vacation, one brave audience member yelled from the back row that both candidates should, “Just make out already!”

This comment was the spark that ignited a roaring flame as both nominees stared intently at each other to then rush in and embrace their political rival. In a fantastic display of tongue fencing, both opponents fell to the stage floor and began to ravish each other with their bodies. Clinton nipping at the jowls of Trump’s neck and Trump pulling Clinton closer by the lower body, showed a willingness to compromise that was, until then, unheard of in this disaster of an election. Staff from the Clinton campaign said that they had prepared extensively for this kind of turnabout, supplying Clinton with the proper protection. The Trump staff similarly had Trump well versed on the application of lubricant, should ass play be put onto the table. As both candidates began their romp of hate-filled consensual intercourse, the audience cheered in approval of this splendid display of bipartisanship. When reached for a comment, former president Bill Clinton told The Medium “Oh baby, Hill knows how much I love to watch” and thus proceeded to throw a strap-on dildo into the mass of flesh which was the two candidates.

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Real-time reaction

Upon the mutual climax of the two nominees, both cited the event as a “one night thing” and refuted any claims of the two fornicating again outside the occasional lonely Saturday night. Political experts called the event a momentous occasion, as this is the first instance of heterosexual intercourse in American politics. The approval ratings of both candidates has soared following the debate, with Clinton polling well with women for her use of the strap-on supplied by her husband. A history professor from Washington University marks this debate as one for the history books, stating “not since the Lincoln/Douglas debate had two candidates engaged in such a display of aggressive (yet tender) lovemaking.”

iOS 10 Update: WORLDWIDE Victory for Gun Control

BY Keith Fraiser
Local Detective

CUPERTINO, CA—Apple stunned the world this week with a new iOS update that converts all firearms into water guns. The long-awaited iOS 10 update brings many new and exciting features to iOS devices, as well as eliminating all future mass shootings, police killings, and accidents from unsafe firearm handling. ios

“This is a great day in not only American history, but the history of the world. No longer will we have to worry about the safety of our children in schools,” said President Obama in a statement praising Apple for its monumental service to the safety of mankind. “This will eliminate the mass shooting epidemic we have in this country once and for all, and for that we have Apple to thank.”

In addition to eliminating mass shootings, the new iOS update is a major victory in the fight against police brutality and senseless killings. American police officers are particularly upset about the new update. “I can’t believe our guns just disappeared,” says RUPD officer Colin Anderson. “Being able to carry a gun was the only reason I signed up for this job. I feel like a fucking Frenchman.”

While Anderson might be upset that he won’t be able to shoot any minorities on campus, the rest of us can sleep soundly knowing that Steve Jobs is watching proudly over our newly gun-free America.