Tag Archives: Vladimir Putin

Studies Show Trump Physically Unable to Comprehend Tragedies in Developing Countries

BY Caillou
Real Good Listener

WASHINGTON D.C.— Tuesday morning at 9 am, researchers revealed the results of a year-long study on Trump, concluding that the 45th President of the United States is unable to mentally process tragedies that occur in developing countries. This has confirmed theories developed by many scientists around the globe as to why someone so active on social media refuses to comment on anything both not American and not white.

An excerpt of the study describes some of the methodology used, “The subject was placed in a neutral room containing only two chairs. Every 15 minutes, a researcher would go into the room and mention a topic, such as CNN, nuclear weaponry, or Putin. The only tests inciting abnormal reactions involved the subject ‘Somalia bombings,’ where the subject’s eyes glazed over, its body slouched over, and hands twitched every few seconds. The subject would sustain this posture until a team member would mention Kaepernick. The subject would then react in an established fashion as if nothing had happened.”

White House staff have begun taking measures to work around the president’s newly discovered disability. Press secretary Sarah Sanders announced, “The United States will not be halted by our president’s mental disorder. The US will persevere through tragedies such as Somalia’s truck bombing, and will not let the death of hundreds of third-world citizens stop us from making this country great again.”

Citizens across America have been announcing they suffer from a similar disease, as Alabaman Billy McBowell said, “Yeah these fellas over the sea, their problems just don’t do anything for me, y’know. If it ain’t about the death of our national anthem, then you can forget about it,” he stated as he set up his American flag rifle targets.

As of press time, no one has mentioned to the president that he has this disability.

Hillary Clinton Deletes Her JC Penny Rewards Password in Email Scandal

BY Tonto Goldberg
Pun Connoisseur

WASHINGTON–Staff for Hillary Clinton have announced that she will be suspending all of her campaigning before Election Day. Although there has not been an official statement to the press, political pundits speculate that her lack of appearances is due to her running out of pantsuits to wear while on the campaign trail.

Those within her campaign report that Clinton has tried numerous times to get into her account, but can’t remember her password. While this is common, Trump’s investigative doctors are attributing the sudden memory loss to a preexisting medical condition.

Luckily for Clinton, Russian President for life Vladimir Putin has offered to hack Clinton’s email to help her retrieve her password. Even Donald Trump has weighted in on the issue. In a statement to Fox news he said, “We don’t know who could hack Clinton’s account, it could be Russians but it also could be China we just don’t know.”

When asked about this dilemma, forgotten nominee Gary Jonson issued his response via an interpretive dance which reads as follows: “Who cares about Clinton and her pantsuits or emails. The sun is going to eventually grow and encompass the Earth anyway.”

Bernie Sanders has said that he is surprised that this “Wall Street candidate like Clinton needs JC Penny rewards to buy her pantsuits. My family has been using JC Penny rewards since we were evicted from the Casbah in the late 90’s. We needed to save every penny because we came out of the Casbah ‘dead broke.’”

As this story developed, a tape was released by Fox News early this morning wherein Clinton is recorded saying to former President Bill Clinton “This is the exact reason why I don’t have stronger passwords!”

There has been no word yet on whether Secretary Clinton has considered buying pantsuits elsewhere.

Point/Counterpoint: Sorry

I AM SO SORRYcrotch.png

BY Bill Clinton’s Penis

I. AM. SO. SORRY. I can’t help it. I just love being in mouths, asses and vaginas. They’re warm and moist. I love feeling myself get thrust in and out of them. I love coming out covered in saliva or the juices of whatever intern I just entered. It just feels so fucking good. Monica’s mouth was so wet, and it was even wetter and stickier when I left it. God, just thinking about that makes me drip precum. Hillary’s vagina is pretty great too, but it just got old you know? I knew that thing like the back of my scrote. Every single day it was the same thing in there. I could describe it in perfect detail. Then of course, one day I poke myself in there, and there’s a fetus in the way, so of course I was going to move on. I wanted something new, and not so full of baby.

So yeah, I moved onto other women’s holes. They were new, a vacation from Hillary’s cooch. I loved that sense of adventure when I first spelunked inside those caves. It was great. I was addicted. I was inside every chick from Little Rock to Washington. It was so fucking great. I miss those days.

But really I’m sorry, it might have been fun but it was wrong. I shouldn’t have been poking around in those meat purses. I should have stuck to Hillary’s flesh taco. To be fair though, it wasn’t really my fault. I may have given Bill’s brain up there the urge to be placed in something warm and moist, but in the end, it’s not up to me to make the decisions. I just get placed into what Bill wants me to be placed into. So I’m sorry, but at the same time it’s not my fault, it’s all on Bill’s brain and his thighs. I don’t make the decisions, he does.


trumpmouth.pngI AM MORE SORRY THAN HIM

BY Donald Trump’s Mouth

I am so much more sorry than that fucker up there. You think he has it bad with Bill’s brain? I’ve got to deal with this orange Cheeto’s brain 24/7. Even when he sleeps, he’s opening me up, and having me spout out racist, sexist, bigoted gibberish. If I have to say big league one more fucking time? I’m actually going to say bigly. Seriously, every single fucking time he opens me up, I’m forced to say something that if I had a brain I’d never say. The other day I actually said that I wanted to jail my opponent. That’s fucking dictatorial. We live in America and I actually mouthed those words. I can’t fucking believe it.

On top of that, he keeps trying to place me in places I don’t want to fucking go. The other day I had to wrap myself around Vladimir Putin’s cock. Do you know how shitty that was? I didn’t want that. Why couldn’t I be anyone else’s mouth? Seriously, I’d rather be Helen Keller’s mouth at this point, at least then the misery would be over.

I am so fucking sorry for everything that has happened over the past few years. I didn’t want to say any of it, I was forced to against my will. If I had my way, we’d be talking about repairing our nation through the power of songs. I want to be free. I am so sorry for it all. Please forgive me, and me alone, not the Oompa Loompa I’m sewn onto. And if you can’t forgive me, at least put me out of my misery.

Russia U18 Hockey Team Caught Doping Because Why the Fuck Not

BY Dr. Tossed Salad
Hates The Odyssey Online

MOSCOW—Over the past few weeks, news has developed out of Russia that their entire under 18-year Men’s National Hockey Team has been found guilty of taking Meldonium, an illegal substance, because well, they wanted to fucking win.

“We wanted to win, what the fuck’s the problem?” Russian Czar of Hockey Vladimir Putin said in a fucking smug Russian tone. You know the tone we’re talking about, it’s a little smug for our taste. “We’re talking about sports right? Doesn’t everyone want to win?”
Indeed “winning,” which results from scoring more “points or goals” than the opponent, is actually very important in sports.

However, sports scientists determined these players are actually children who, as research indicates, have important things to do. These children’s tasks include taking tests and jerking off.

“Taking these illegal substances will one day, without a doubt, cause so much harm to their bodies that they will drop fucking dead,” said sports scientist and health nutritionist Dr. P. Weiss.

Russian officials had opposing opinions.

russia

“Do you know what Meldonium does?” asked Director of Russian Medicine Vladimir Putin.
“It is a substance which improves exercise tolerance and recovery. When you get a headache or back pain you take an aspirin. So what’s the big deal? These boys’ bodies are growing at fast paces and it causes their muscles to hurt after long practices,” finished a smug Putin.

Wanting kids to feel good about themselves? Wanting them to be able to relax after sacrificing their childhoods to play a grueling sport for no money? How else will they prepare for the real world unless they feel pain, deep pain, all the fucking time. Heartless bitch.

“We cannot believe Russia would put their youth athletes in danger like that. That is no way to set the right example for children to follow,” said United States Hockey Director Brian Marrons in a Monday press release. “The United States would never force youth athletes to take illegal substances.”

The United States is the same country that encourages early youth sport specialization and refuses to pay student athletes, meanwhile giving them “role models” to look up to who get arrested for weekly for DUIs, like Abby Wambach or (insert NFL player’s name here). But hey, at least they aren’t using illegal performance enhancing drugs rapidly right before a huge international tournament.

Clearly, it will take a while for Russia to solve their chronic PED problem. If there was a bright side to this, it exposes that PEDs are still an important problem to address in sports today with our children.

It also means the United States is not going to lose to Russia in this year’s Men’s U18 tournament! A truly embarrassing tragedy, but hopefully one other countries will be caught guilty of, too.

Obama Shits on Kremlin Lawn

BY Some Schmuck
Novice Wabbit Hunter

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“THAT’S THE SMELL OF FREEDOM” Pres. Obama squats down and pinches a loaf for America as he poots in front of Putin.

MOSCOW, RUSSIA —In what has been described by young liberals as a generally good diplomatic move, U.S. President Barack Obama was recently caught defecating on the lawn of the Moscow Kremlin, residence of Russian Federation Prime Minister Vladimir Putin. Though the State Department is yet to comment on Mr. Obama’s actions, the move has been viewed favorably among his own supporters.

“I don’t care what Fox News and the Repub-LIE-cans say, Obama is a good president!” said Meredyth Jackson, treasurer of the Iona College Democrats. “This move is a strong statement against gun violence, and I am very proud of Obama for having the stridence to carry it out.” continued Jackson. “He’s basically my hero.”

Andrew Wheaten, a member of the Tennessee Tech Progressives, further clarified, “we are very grateful for President Obama’s statement in solidarity with Muslims. I’m not yet sure of the connection, but it should soon become obvious.” Wheaten declined to comment on the symbolic meaning of the Jack Daniels whiskey bottle present in Mr. Obama’s hand at the time.

“There are no legitimate criticisms of Obama; most of his critics are just racist.” continued Wheaten. When asked about the President’s 47% approval rating, he explained that the number is “according to both his supporters and opponents. If you polled only his supporters, the number would be closer to 100%.”

Wheaten further explained, “it’s a lot of rhetoric from Trump supporters, with an eerie, fascist-like faith in their candidate. Conservatives are so stupid, ugh.”

“I’m extremely proud of Obama’s latest statement in favor of LGBTQ* rights. He truly is a visionary” commented Amethyst Schwartz of the Black Lives Matter chapter at UC Santa Cruz. “I think Obama wrote some really great laws and I’m disappointed he’s not going for a third term. But I’m voting for Hillary. Hopefully, she too will symbolically shit all over cis-white-male oppression.”