Category Archives: Volume LII Issue VI

Hillary Clinton Deletes Her JC Penny Rewards Password in Email Scandal

BY Tonto Goldberg
Pun Connoisseur

WASHINGTON–Staff for Hillary Clinton have announced that she will be suspending all of her campaigning before Election Day. Although there has not been an official statement to the press, political pundits speculate that her lack of appearances is due to her running out of pantsuits to wear while on the campaign trail.

Those within her campaign report that Clinton has tried numerous times to get into her account, but can’t remember her password. While this is common, Trump’s investigative doctors are attributing the sudden memory loss to a preexisting medical condition.

Luckily for Clinton, Russian President for life Vladimir Putin has offered to hack Clinton’s email to help her retrieve her password. Even Donald Trump has weighted in on the issue. In a statement to Fox news he said, “We don’t know who could hack Clinton’s account, it could be Russians but it also could be China we just don’t know.”

When asked about this dilemma, forgotten nominee Gary Jonson issued his response via an interpretive dance which reads as follows: “Who cares about Clinton and her pantsuits or emails. The sun is going to eventually grow and encompass the Earth anyway.”

Bernie Sanders has said that he is surprised that this “Wall Street candidate like Clinton needs JC Penny rewards to buy her pantsuits. My family has been using JC Penny rewards since we were evicted from the Casbah in the late 90’s. We needed to save every penny because we came out of the Casbah ‘dead broke.’”

As this story developed, a tape was released by Fox News early this morning wherein Clinton is recorded saying to former President Bill Clinton “This is the exact reason why I don’t have stronger passwords!”

There has been no word yet on whether Secretary Clinton has considered buying pantsuits elsewhere.

Cowboys Fans Eagerly Await Tony Romo’s Return

BY Hugh G. Rection
Penis Analyst

DALLAS—As the Dallas Cowboys, led by rookie quarterback Dak Prescott, coasted to yet another victory, fans could not help but await the return of “franchise” quarterback Tony Romo. Fans of the division-leading Cowboys are eagerly looking forward to a couple of weeks from now when the paper-skinned and glass-boned $18 million Romo returns to the lineup. When The Medium’s representatives took the streets to see what real Cowboys fans had to say, they were not disappointed. “Yeah, Dak Prescott may be playing really well and may have led Dallas to a 5-1 record, but the team would definitely be doing better with Tony [Romo]. It’s great that Dallas’s amazing owner, Jerry Jones, guaranteed Tony his starting spot the second that he gets back from yet another injury.” These were the words of Gerald Jonas, confirmed real Cowboys fan.

“We need the Cowboys to bring back Romo. That guy just looks like a great white quarterback; he is far better than that mulatto guy.” were the choice words of one Texan by the name of Ken Paxton. Paxton went on to endorse Romo by not talking about football at all, stating that “Prescott is probably one of them illegal aliens, and I don’t think that he belongs on America’s team.”

Reports indicate that Cowboys fans do not care about having a quarterback who will finally win games and will not get injured every time he gets hit on the field. Instead, they just want Tony Romo back on the field. It seems that the bright, shining light that is Dak Prescott’s 2016 performance just is not white enough for Dallas fans.

Rutgers Saves Millions Not Shooting off the Cannon This Year

BY Mike Hawk
Pun Enthusiast

PISCATAWAY—This past week was the quarterly financial meeting for Rutgers where officials discuss and disclose information about this year’s budget. For the most part the meeting went as planned. As usual Rutgers makes a fuck ton of money handing out parking tickets to innocent students who are just trying to make it to class on time or by forcing students to buy a $250 parking pass so they can park on campus. Then make them park on a different campus that they live on and then ticket them anyway if they try to park anywhere else. However, there was a surprising piece of information that came out of the quarterly fiscal meeting. Right now Rutgers is saving about $5 million from its budget because of the lack of gunpowder being purchased for home football games.

cannon
“CANNON YOU NOT?’

The Hunt has turned into something more the likes of a wild goose chase. The wild goose being a touchdown and our Scarlet Knights being blissfully unaware what a goose is. In the past three weeks Rutgers was outscored 153 – 0 which means a lot of gunpowder used to fire off the cannon went unused. We have accumulated so much that Rutgers refused to buy anymore gunpowder being that it is bought in bulk. Based off of our performance the past few weeks it is safe to say that we have enough gunpowder to get us through the next 3 years.

The question now becomes what to use all of the extra money originally allocated to cannon use on. Rutgers has released a list of 5 possible choices and we have them listed here for you ‘partially lower tuition for all students’, ‘free food at football games’, ‘better wi-fi’, ‘free back-packs’ and ‘a better football team’.

Our team did some polling around the streets of New Brunswick to find out what the students wanted most on the list. Johnny Sunday had this to say, “I – I think we could all use a better football team. Partly because of the whole school pride thing but mostly because all of our home games are always at noon because we suck so we don’t get the prime times. Then I have to wake up early to get drunk and I’m not sure how much longer my liver can take it”. About 90% of the students we polled think that the extra money should go towards obtaining a better football team. We can only hope Rutgers hears our plea and puts some extra effort into having a football team that lives up to the standards set by the Big Ten.

Rutgers Football Isn’t Doing So Great This Year

BY Jim Bamfordjimbamford.png

Now let me tell you folks, I’ve gone to all but two Rutgers football games since I graduated back in ‘81, and those were when my daughter got married, and when she needed bail money. But, and I hate to be the bearer of bad news; I don’t think the Rutgers team is doing too hot this year. Honestly, I’m not sure they’ll even make it to the championships.

Now, Rutgers has really given it all this past weekend, but sometimes that just isn’t enough. They did only lose by 17 points, but their track record this season isn’t too hot. Right now they’re 2-5, the same as my daughter’s child to abortion ratio. But next week we’ll be playing Minnesota, and I feel like the boys have a real shot at another W. My daughter once ran away to Minnesota for a few months. She wanted to move to Detroit to marry Eminem. She’s not the brightest star in the sky, but she’s still my little arsonist.

It’s really a bummer about this year’s team. I was super excited to bring my daughter to the championship game. I haven’t seen her in almost two years now. I’ve tried calling her, but she stopped picking up when I stopped funding her coke addiction. I was really hoping for an improvement with Chris Laviano, but maybe he just hasn’t hit his stride yet. I’m still holding out faith for our team, just like my daughter. One day, they’ll prove everyone wrong.

Point/Counterpoint: Breastfeeding

I Love Breastfeeding My Childbreastmom.png

BY Taylee Mathers

Okay, to start off, I LOVE being a mom, it is the greatest gift ever. Every day I fall more and more in love with my beautiful baby, Braddie (pronounced Bray-dee). I love buying cute little outfits and dressing him up; I think the sailor outfit is his favorite.

But I think the best thing about being a mom is breastfeeding. It is truly an amazing experience and I wouldn’t trade anything for it. Until you have a child and you feed them your milk, you really don’t understand what a true bond is. Whenever I’m breastfeeding, I look down at my beautiful 54 month-old son, and his eyes are always closed; he’s so calm and relaxed.

I’ve tried to explain to my husband, Brett, the connection I share with our soon; I even let him try some of my breast milk, straight from my breast. He liked the taste (he actually loved it), but he still didn’t understand the connection. I’ve come to accept that no one will ever understand except for me and Braddie.


breastbaby.pngStop Feeding Me Your Disgusting Breast Milk

BY Brady

Look Mom, I’ve had enough of your shit. I can take the stupid outfits, like that goddamn sailor one you always have me wear. Shit, I can even take the stupid fucking spelling of my name you and good ol’ Pops gave me.

But I have to draw the line at this breastfeeding crap. I’m not into it anymore; I’m actually pretty disgusted to be honest. Every time you feed me, I have to close my eyes in shame and pretend I’m in a happier place, like StorybookLand or Canada.

I know you think that it brings us closer, but damn it woman, I flew out of your vagina. I’d say that’s pretty close enough.

While we’re at it, can you please stop referring to me as your “54 month-old baby.” I’m fucking FOUR AND A HALF YEARS OLD. I’ve learned curse words, and have even witnessed and comprehended the fights you and Pops have had. (Quick note, doesn’t it hurt when dad stabs you with his pee-pee? He always seem so angry and aggressive, that can’t be very comfortable).

At this rate, in a few years I’ll be one of those obnoxious Wall Street Yuppies who can only have sex with hookers because “no woman can compare to my mother.”

So basically, if you don’t want me to become a sociopathic, drug-addled, commitment-phobic fuck, then it would be in both of our best interests if you just STOP FEEDING ME YOUR NASTY BREASTMILK.