Man Murders Entire Family After Mom Refuses to Hang Hand Turkey on Fridge

By Harry Nuttsaac

A resident of Phoenix, Evan Peterson, is being held in custody by the Arizona State Police after allegedly murdering his entire family, apparently because his mother would not hang his hand turkey on the family fridge. Despite being a full-grown man and a college student, Peterson, 20, crafted a hand turkey that would rival the best in any American kindergarten class (depicted on our arts page); his mother, Diana, was more caught up on the fact that he is an adult playing with construction paper like a child and refused to display his hard work on the fridge. After seeing the turkey, we believe that disregarding his turkey was a crime in itself and that she deserved everything she got.

This rejection (from his own mother, no less), mixed with quarantine rage and the stress of living with his parents, allegedly sparked a rage in Peterson that led to him killing his entire family. According to evidence released by crime scene photographers, it appears that Peterson pulled the frozen turkey from the same fridge that caused him so much despair and began whipping it around, clobbering both of his parents. The young man went on to use the side dishes as projectile weapons and took out the rest of his family, the women and children too. When police arrived at the scene, Peterson was found kneeling on the front lawn of his house, covered in stuffing and what looked like cranberry sauce while gobbling like a turkey.

Even though Peterson testified to the entire thing and signed a confession, his attorney will have him plead not guilty in trial, claiming that “The Peterson home was devastated by a brigade of vengeful turkeys who massacred the entire family to liberate their frozen brethren, leaving only one witness alive to relay their message to the rest of the world.” Although this story is much less believable than one man devastated because no one recognizes his artistic talent, this has not stopped many people from rallying to “Release Turkey Boy” and “Free My Homie Evan.” The Outgoing President has moved the annual turkey pardoning forward to protect himself from these “bad turkeys.”

Top 10 Ways to Riot (Even if You’re Not Mad at Anything in Particular)

By: PP Harding

1. Tip something over! 

YEAH! TIP SOMETHING OVER!

2. Get that guy! (Or girl, I mean it’s 2020)

YEAH! GET HIM! (OR HER)!

3. Set something on fire!

YEAH MAKE THAT SHIT GO UP IN FLAMES! WATCH IT BURN!

4. Smack someone’s booty (with their consent (C’mon it’s 2020))

I’M GONNA SMACK THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR BOOTY IF THAT’S OK WITH YOU!?

5. Pull your pants down!

YEAH! DO IT! LEMME SEE YOUR NAKEY BA-DONK-A-DONK!!

6. Put your pants back on and then shit in them!

YEAH! SHIT YOUR PANTS! THEY STANKY NOW BOY! (OR GIRL!)

7. Eat some eggs!

YEAH! GET THAT DIETARY PROTEIN!

8. Kill someone! Smash their bones!

WAIT, WHAT?*

9. Commit barbicide!

YEAH! DON’T LOOK INTO IT!

10.  Do nothing!

YEAH! I’M GONNA SIT HERE AND DO NOTHING!

*The Medium is not responsible for any coincidental incidents of bone smashing

Breaking: U. Club President Murdered near Livingston Bus Stop

By Walter Cronkite Jr.
Doesn’t Care

PISCATAWAY — Andrew Blustein, head of student-led satirical publication The Medium, was found dead early Wednesday morning at the Livingston Plaza bus stop, according to Rutgers police. “The body of senior Andrew Blustein was found at 3 a.m. Wednesday,” said chief of University police Kenneth Cop. “Evidence points to foul play, and we are gathering information on suspects. The Rutgers community is deeply saddened by the loss. We have no further comment.”

According to people familiar with the situation, the main suspects are the remaining executive members of The  Medium, a weekly printed satirical newspaper, dubbed Rutgers’ Entertainment Weekly. For a more detailed breakdown of the suspects, see inside.

“We just can’t believe this happened,” said managing editor Jake Goldstein, one of the suspects according to the people. “I saw him yesterday and he was fine. We were all at trivia night. I mean–I just don’t know what to say.”

Goldstein, along with most members of The Medium, did not comment on being a suspect in the case.

“Yeah, I know I’m a suspect,” said Dan Cratella, the page A7 editor who was the only member to comment on the situation.

“People never trust me, but it’s fine, I don’t care. I have an alibi. I can tell you it right now if you want. I mean I know I probably shouldn’t, but believe me I have one. Search my car if you want to– it’s sad, yeah it’s sad–but I didn’t do it so just search whatever I’m innocent.”

University police would not comment further on an open investigation, but did say New Brunswick police are getting involved.

“Murder?!,” said opinions editor Marissa Schwartz, who is the only one to request counsel. “Oh god! They’re going to blame me, I just know it.”

College Recipe Guide: Valentine’s Day Feast

Step 1: Line up 3 shot glasses on the kitchen counter.
Step 2: Fill shot glasses with Vodka (substitute with grain alcohol if desired).
Step 3: Take shots using no chaser because nothing can hurt you more today than your crushing loneliness.
Step 4: Boil two cups pasta of your choice.
Step 5: Strain and add sauce.
Step 6: Realize that you’ve cooked too much pasta for one.
Step 7: Realize that the perfect solution to this problem is having
someone to share a meal with.
Step 8: Repeat steps 1 through 3.
Step 9: Sign up for eHarmony.
Step 10: Find someone to get dinner with on Saturday.
Step 11: Be the fourth victim in a string of mysterious killings carried out by a stranger you met online.

North Korea Sends Their Valentine’s Day Regards

Kim Jong Un is really getting into the spirit of American holidays, seen here in a recent picture taken in Pyongyang. The nuclear missile, aimed at the United States with a lighthearted message of love, is estimated to be able to murder at least 8 million people in an instant.

What Talisman/Ritual did You use to Ward off Negative Energy From Your Team in the Super Bowl?

Which Lovable Pixar Sidekick Best Describes Your Undying Devotion to the Emperor of Darkness?

BY Caillou

Everyone has their own special method to give thanks to Zorko, Emperor of Darkness and collector of lost souls. But which Pixar sidekick best describes YOUR undying devotion to our one true master?

1. Which delicious treat would you provide as tribute to His Three Hounds of Destruction?
a. T-bone steak
b. Grits
c. Rib eye steak
d. Apple pie

2. What part of the day do you prefer to carve the Puppeteer’s symbol on your tongue, so that you can always taste the path of righteousness?
a. Morning
b. Afternoon
c. Evening
d. Night

3. How would you describe your feelings as you slowly, yet meticulously, peel back the layer of skin on a nonbeliever?
a. Excited
b. Anxious
c. Ecstatic
d. Content

4. How many of your children have you disassociated with due to lack of devotion to the Church?
a. 1
b. 3
c. 8
d. All of them

5. How would you describe your perfect date?

a. A walk on the beach, followed by a moonlit blood sacrifice
b. A trip to the museum to take back the black magic manuscript
c. A movie date to see “Zorko: The Divine Truth”
d. Mass suicide

if you answered mostly a’s: congrats, you’re a Rex! You can be shy at times, but when it comes to devotion to our true lord, you’re a social “dinosaur!”

if you answered mostly b’s: congrats, you’re a Mater! You like meeting new people and trying new experiences, but aren’t afraid to mutilate your own body to prove your faith!

if you answered mostly c’s: congrats, you’re a Dug! You’re loyal to friends and family, and love life to the fullest. You can also make a real mean shepherd’s pie from the organs of politicians who refuse to accept our church as a real religion.

if you answered mostly d’s: congrats, you’re a Frozone! Dude’s pretty sick.

Point/Counterpoint: Most Dangerous Fruit

Bananas Are the Most Dangerous Fruit

BY James Manifase

I realize it’s a cliché to trip over a banana peel, but I recently learned that it’s a cliché due to being a realistic danger. Just last week I slipped over 3 bananas peels in the dining hall! That alone makes it far more menacing than non-slippery fruit, such as grapes.

Bananas are also curved in such a way that it can easily be pressed against a person’s neck and block their windpipe from the outside. I watched my uncle die in a domestic dispute when I was three years old. My aunt got angry and pressed my uncle against a wall and held a banana to his neck. I thought bananas were harmless until I watched the life slowly drain out of my uncle’s eyes.

To be fair, my aunt gave me the banana after the incident and it tasted mighty damn good.

---

Cantaloupes Are Far More Dangerous

BY Mike Baluta

The guy above mostly is sound and logical, but he appears to have forgotten about the one true terrible fruit. Cantaloupes.

Unlike bananas, cantaloupes grow on vines. Which means overripe cantaloupes will eventually detach from the vine and plummet to the ground. If you just happen to be leaning on the wall directly under the vine, your head will be assaulted by roughly three pounds of food. That’s enough to mildly annoy an eight year old child.

In addition, I have witnessed people slipping on cantaloupes, just as they do bananas. Since they fall to the ground naturally, the danger is greater, as more people will fall over them.

The lesson here, is don’t eat fruit. Fast food is both much safer, and cheaper!

 

iOS 10 Update: WORLDWIDE Victory for Gun Control

BY Keith Fraiser
Local Detective

CUPERTINO, CA—Apple stunned the world this week with a new iOS update that converts all firearms into water guns. The long-awaited iOS 10 update brings many new and exciting features to iOS devices, as well as eliminating all future mass shootings, police killings, and accidents from unsafe firearm handling.

“This is a great day in not only American history, but the history of the world. No longer will we have to worry about the safety of our children in schools,” said President Obama in a statement praising Apple for its monumental service to the safety of mankind. “This will eliminate the mass shooting epidemic we have in this country once and for all, and for that we have Apple to thank.”

In addition to eliminating mass shootings, the new iOS update is a major victory in the fight against police brutality and senseless killings. American police officers are particularly upset about the new update. “I can’t believe our guns just disappeared,” says RUPD officer Colin Anderson. “Being able to carry a gun was the only reason I signed up for this job. I feel like a fucking Frenchman.”

While Anderson might be upset that he won’t be able to shoot any minorities on campus, the rest of us can sleep soundly knowing that Steve Jobs is watching proudly over our newly gun-free America.

If Your Girlfriend Does These 10 Things You Should Kill Her

1. If she breathes: I know this may seem drastic but really think about it. If she breathes she can do ANYTHING! SHE COULD KILL YOU FIRST! You need to take the initative in the relationship and make sure she is gone before you are.

2. If she eats bread: Does she know NOTHING about what the Jews went through?! Honestly this is just culturly insensitive and she needs to be taught a lesson just like every other fucker in the Bible and Torah that was killed for being a bitch.

3. If she doesn’t LOVE Smash Mouth: Does this even need an explanation?!

4. Going further on that, if she doesn’t LOOOOVVEE Nickelback: LOOK AT THAT DAMN PHOTOGRAPH

5. If her pants of choice are leggings: What the hell is this comfy central?! This is the real world god dammit and we will wear real pants! And real pants mean uncomfortable jeans that are hard to breathe in! If I have to fucking suffer then everyone else does too!

6. If she speaks: Is she trying to talk to someone else? She shouldn’t need to talk, she has you. What is she even saying? “I have rights”??? What does that even mean?? Honestly if she even STARTS talking just kill her right then and there. I promise you, you will be saving yourself from a huge headache that comes from whatever bullshit she’s trying to talk about.

7. If her idea of a fun date is a dinner and a movie: You are a MAN! You like things like beer and sports and guns and video games and not showering! Do you know what dinner means? It means eating with a fork and knife like an actual civilized human. Do you know what a movie means? It means sitting in a dark room watching some shit you have NO interest in because who the fuck cares for culture when there are BOOBS TO BE SEEN?!

8. She wears sneakers: Bitch tryna run AWAY?! Why you need those sneakers huh? It’s uncomfortable to walk in your heels? Bitch hold on to my arm or just don’t fucking walk. Sorry I don’t make the rules, I just enforce them.

9. She has hair: Who she trying to impress with that hair? She’s already got you she doesn’t need to fucking have this hair bullshit. First of all, it gets all over your shit like this bitch is CONSTANTLY shedding. Second, there are fucking weird bros out there that think a girl is hot based on her hair. She’s your girl. If she has hair she is one step from breaking up with you. Kill her before she does.

10. If she’s excited about Bill Moyer coming to Rutgers: This bitch has got to work for RUPA or some shit if she’s actually excited about this. Either that or she is 100 years old and can remember when Douglass was seperate from Rutgers. So either way if she’s excited she’s dumb as fuck and should die or she’s about to die soon anyway so just put that bitch out of her misery.