Tag Archives: religion

“Alleged” NFL Double Murderer Insists he’s a Real Christian

By Ivan Yakinoff
Diabetic

LOS ANGELES— In the latest wild NFL offseason news, former Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis hailed his inner Jesusman and came out just hours ago with this statement when asked how he would spend 10 minutes with  Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr.

“Where there’s no God, there’s chaos. Odell has removed God from his life. This is a kid that grew up under the covenant of who God really is. And everything he’s doing, he’s crying out for help. We have a lot of people reporting about it, but it’s always been the duty of elders to go back to help people. So that’s why I raised my hand.”

As you can see, Mr. Lewis, or shall we say, Pastor Lewis, is a supposedly a real man of God. Along with a long Hall of Fame career in which he won 2 Super Bowls, Ray Lewis is also a part time TV pastor in which he shares his Chrisitan insight and tries to enlighten us all.

Despite the fact that back in 2000, when Lewis himself was involved in a double murder in which he was “allegedly” involved in the cover-up and the fact that he has 6 kids with 4 different baby mommas, Ray Lewis still insists his Christian side is totally not a act to hide and take away attention from his wrong doings.

“Let’s be real here, sure Ray Lewis was a great football player, but his preaching is a just a load of hogwash. For all we know, if he really sat down with Odell, he’d probably be more concerned with him treating him as a kicking net and playing his diva antics than actually having any sort of great religious conversation.” said Reddit r/NFL user XxTerminatedTheBirds.

Just like how we’ll never know for sure just how much Ray Lewis was actual involved in the murders, we’re just as doubtful if we’ll know how much, if any, of a real God fearing Christian he truly is. But we have more proof for the murders.

Which Lovable Pixar Sidekick Best Describes Your Undying Devotion to the Emperor of Darkness?

BY Caillou

Everyone has their own special method to give thanks to Zorko, Emperor of Darkness and collector of lost souls. But which Pixar sidekick best describes YOUR undying devotion to our one true master?

1. Which delicious treat would you provide as tribute to His Three Hounds of Destruction?
a. T-bone steak
b. Grits
c. Rib eye steak
d. Apple pie

2. What part of the day do you prefer to carve the Puppeteer’s symbol on your tongue, so that you can always taste the path of righteousness?
a. Morning
b. Afternoon
c. Evening
d. Night

3. How would you describe your feelings as you slowly, yet meticulously, peel back the layer of skin on a nonbeliever?
a. Excited
b. Anxious
c. Ecstatic
d. Content

4. How many of your children have you disassociated with due to lack of devotion to the Church?
a. 1
b. 3
c. 8
d. All of them

5. How would you describe your perfect date?

a. A walk on the beach, followed by a moonlit blood sacrifice
b. A trip to the museum to take back the black magic manuscript
c. A movie date to see “Zorko: The Divine Truth”
d. Mass suicide

if you answered mostly a’s: congrats, you’re a Rex! You can be shy at times, but when it comes to devotion to our true lord, you’re a social “dinosaur!”

if you answered mostly b’s: congrats, you’re a Mater! You like meeting new people and trying new experiences, but aren’t afraid to mutilate your own body to prove your faith!

if you answered mostly c’s: congrats, you’re a Dug! You’re loyal to friends and family, and love life to the fullest. You can also make a real mean shepherd’s pie from the organs of politicians who refuse to accept our church as a real religion.

if you answered mostly d’s: congrats, you’re a Frozone! Dude’s pretty sick.

Cuban Santerians win inaugural inter-cult softball league title

Walter Kronkite Jr.
Part of the Family

WAUKEE, IA— As Juancho Gutierrez rounded the bases after socking a walk-off home run, team Santeria encircled home plate and prayed to the Yoruba dieties in thanks of winning the first inaugural inter-cult softball league title.

The Cuban Santerians, who appease the gods by allowing the bloods of sacrificed animals to flow onto the sacred stones of the santero, defeated the Japanese Aum Shinrikyo, an alt-terrorist doomsday group that wreaks havoc on the Japanese subway system, 7-6 on Sunday.

Cult leaders across the world called for a softball league after complaining they were being blackballed by religious, cult-lite softball leagues.

“It’s time cults had a league of their own,” said team manager and Santero priest Pedro ‘Jobu’ Cerrano through a translator. “To be champions in the first year is humbling, and it is sure to please the orishas we aim to satisfy with ritualistic offerings.”

The Cuban team mowed down the competition to make the final best-of-three series, as it only faced all-white, American cults.

“These white boys just focus on mass suicide, man,” said Gutierrez. “They gotta focus on the game. We had to fight off the Castro regime to make it here and stave off evil spirits to make it here. We’re focused.”

The Santerians won in two, but the last game was tight. After going back-and-forth, the Afro-Cuban lucumis dances finally paid off.

“Our prayers were answered,” said Cerrano. “We were finally able to hit curveballs. Gutierrez came out to some Sublime music, he was dialed in–you should have listened to that crowd. He got a hold of that curveball and destroyed it like our god of war and iron, Ogun.”

After a successful first season, the inter-cult league will be back next season. Scientologists, who were not invited to this year’s tournament, will vie for a spot again next year.

I JUST DON’T THINK MY BROTHER IS THAT INTO IT

BY Ron Danwithcultbrother

I love all of my brothers in the House of Daelik; I trust those men and women with my life. Whether I need help writing out manuscripts in blood for the new brothers, or just need someone to talk to, I know I can trust them. However, I’m just not sure how devoted Danny is into the House.

Sure, he went through with the blood oath to get initiated into the House, but what else has he really done? He’s been suspiciously absent from the past two moonlight elk sacrifices, and no one ever misses those. They’re the one night a month we really get to just lay back and cozy up to the fire that is a full grown elk being burned alive. There really is nothing more soothing than the cry of an innocent creature unsure of why it has been chosen to receive such holy damnation, and he just bails on that? It’s a little suspicious, to say the least.

To be honest, he’s only really shown up for daily prayers and rituals twice this month. I understand that for some people, they can’t devote all of their time to the House. People have jobs and other commitments; I can empathize that. But when you drank the blood of our members, and scorched your scalp with the name of our God, you really made a commitment to our brothers to be involved in the House, and it’s kinda messed up to just go back on that. I don’t know, maybe I’ll just leave a gutted goat on his lawn to see how he’s doing.

Cult Fakes Mass Suicide Just to Off One Member

BY Goldilocks
Cult Member

PISCATAWAY—A local cult was recently found alive and kicking Tuesday night following reports of a mass suicide at their Piscataway headquarters. The cult, the Third Rite, was found in their compound surrounding one dead member. When questioned, members were seen sighing in relief, and insisting that she had it coming.

“Thank fucking God, she was so fucking annoying. She’d come to meetings and would just kill all of our ideas. Every single idea we would come up with, she’d just keep going and going until the idea was played out and cult cliche. We’ve been trying to get her to leave since our last doomsday scare. She just wouldn’t take a fucking hint,” said Brother Jedidiah. “We finally came up with a plan to fake our suicides, telling her we’d go to some new astral plane or some shit like that.”

“You know what the best part was? She fucking believed it! We couldn’t even say it without laughing. Like who the fuck would commit suicide for a cult? We’re not even one of those cults. She took a mix of phenobarbital and apple sauce and she was out like an eight year old with leukemia,” Brother Jedidiah continued.

Following the death, the cult was trying to get back to a state of normalcy, with a quick cleanup of the remains. The deceased’s body was being processed for rituals, with the skull being boiled and cleaned for use as a candelabra and the ribs being used for the cult xylophone quartet.

There is no word on whether or not the cult will be put on trial for murder.