If Your Girlfriend Does These 10 Things You Should Kill Her

1. If she breathes: I know this may seem drastic but really think about it. If she breathes she can do ANYTHING! SHE COULD KILL YOU FIRST! You need to take the initative in the relationship and make sure she is gone before you are.

2. If she eats bread: Does she know NOTHING about what the Jews went through?! Honestly this is just culturly insensitive and she needs to be taught a lesson just like every other fucker in the Bible and Torah that was killed for being a bitch.

3. If she doesn’t LOVE Smash Mouth: Does this even need an explanation?!

4. Going further on that, if she doesn’t LOOOOVVEE Nickelback: LOOK AT THAT DAMN PHOTOGRAPH

5. If her pants of choice are leggings: What the hell is this comfy central?! This is the real world god dammit and we will wear real pants! And real pants mean uncomfortable jeans that are hard to breathe in! If I have to fucking suffer then everyone else does too!

6. If she speaks: Is she trying to talk to someone else? She shouldn’t need to talk, she has you. What is she even saying? “I have rights”??? What does that even mean?? Honestly if she even STARTS talking just kill her right then and there. I promise you, you will be saving yourself from a huge headache that comes from whatever bullshit she’s trying to talk about.

7. If her idea of a fun date is a dinner and a movie: You are a MAN! You like things like beer and sports and guns and video games and not showering! Do you know what dinner means? It means eating with a fork and knife like an actual civilized human. Do you know what a movie means? It means sitting in a dark room watching some shit you have NO interest in because who the fuck cares for culture when there are BOOBS TO BE SEEN?!

8. She wears sneakers: Bitch tryna run AWAY?! Why you need those sneakers huh? It’s uncomfortable to walk in your heels? Bitch hold on to my arm or just don’t fucking walk. Sorry I don’t make the rules, I just enforce them.

9. She has hair: Who she trying to impress with that hair? She’s already got you she doesn’t need to fucking have this hair bullshit. First of all, it gets all over your shit like this bitch is CONSTANTLY shedding. Second, there are fucking weird bros out there that think a girl is hot based on her hair. She’s your girl. If she has hair she is one step from breaking up with you. Kill her before she does.

10. If she’s excited about Bill Moyer coming to Rutgers: This bitch has got to work for RUPA or some shit if she’s actually excited about this. Either that or she is 100 years old and can remember when Douglass was seperate from Rutgers. So either way if she’s excited she’s dumb as fuck and should die or she’s about to die soon anyway so just put that bitch out of her misery.

LADIES WANT WHAT IS IN MY PANTS

BY Sawyer

Against all reason, man buns are a desirable thing to have now, but I accept it. As a man with a pair of ample buttocks, I am flattered.

There’s no avoiding the signs that permeate popular culture nowadays. Jake Gyllenhaal, Bradley Cooper, and Leonardo DiCaprio have their asses plastered across tabloids for their man buns. Women may seem to be attracted to shredded abs and bulging arms, but this proves they would rather have a man with impressive junk… in the trunk.

Having always been self-conscious of my protrusive posterior, I want to thank the ladies for approving of donks such as mine. I’ve noticed girls smiling approvingly at the bulge in my pants as we pass and I notice them smiling even more once they’ve looked back.

I’ve got man bun and I want to flaunt it. Slacks aren’t form-fitting enough, so I’ve moved onward to Lulu Lemons and leggings.