Category Archives: Volume LV Issue IV

I get Caught off Guard by the Olympics Every Time

By Harsh Singh

I like to think I’m a pretty-up-to date with world and national events, but the Olympics always take me by surprise. I get that they come like every two years, but that’s enough time to totally forget about them and be totally shocked when they come back around. Plus, every time they come, they come back at a different time of year than the last time. I just wish I could get a heads up next time. I like watching hundreds of countries compete on the world stage for fancy necklaces as much as the next guy, but a little prior notice so I can prepare would be great. It always seems like I am the last to know and I miss the opening ceremonies which is the coolest part. Then my friends invite me to parties and I think they’re just plain parties and they turn out to be Olympics themed. Then there’s the office pool which I completely missed out on. And they’re in South Korea! How much more exciting can it get? A country neighboring an absolute dictatorship is a recipe for unlimited international fodder, and look I’m already a week late! But also, how do they plan to play beach volleyball in February?

Stephen A Smith to Campaign for 2020 Presidency Just so he can Run his Mouth

By Ivan Yakinoff
Prefers Undisputed

BRISTOL, CN—As Black History Month is halfway complete, Stephen A. Smith, the furious outspoken host of ESPN’s First Take and as well as the main expert on all black athlete’s issues, has announced that will be running as a Democratic nominee for the 2020 Presidential elections.

Smith made the sudden announcement on the show while yelling at the top of his lungs. While he and Max Kellerman were talking about wether the black athletes who compete in the Winter Olympics were blacker than Russell Wilson, Smith, just feeling touched by the seriousness of the topic, announced that he will be leaving First Take to engage in more serious conversations.

Although he left the crowd stunned in silence and just wondering what these serious conversations were, in classic ear bleeding Stephen A. Smith style, he announced his plans to run for president.

While many believe his decision to run for president is so he can fight for the issues facing minorities today, many sources close to him say his real reason is to just give have another outlet to run his mouth. “If Stephen tells you his decision to run was based out of fighting injustice, it’s truly just a load of bullshit. He really doesn’t care about that. His mouth is just an attention whore and he just wants to run it more on national TV.” said an anonymous friend of his.

“Stephen’s mouth has a mind of his own. Ever since Skip Bayless left, it’s fallen into a wormhole of depression and it’s believed that the only cure is a diarrhea of the mouth death fight with Donald Trump.” said Momma Smith.

When confronted, Stephen went on a big rant and denied everything. Listening to him rambling on for a hour straight, though we tried our best, the Medium could not get any quotes from him as we all went deaf listening to him. We’ll get back to you after our ENT visit.

College Recipe Guide: Valentine’s Day Feast

Step 1: Line up 3 shot glasses on the kitchen counter.
Step 2: Fill shot glasses with Vodka (substitute with grain alcohol if desired).
Step 3: Take shots using no chaser because nothing can hurt you more today than your crushing loneliness.
Step 4: Boil two cups pasta of your choice.
Step 5: Strain and add sauce.
Step 6: Realize that you’ve cooked too much pasta for one.
Step 7: Realize that the perfect solution to this problem is having
someone to share a meal with.
Step 8: Repeat steps 1 through 3.
Step 9: Sign up for eHarmony.
Step 10: Find someone to get dinner with on Saturday.
Step 11: Be the fourth victim in a string of mysterious killings carried out by a stranger you met online.

North Korea Sends Their Valentine’s Day Regards

Kim Jong Un is really getting into the spirit of American holidays, seen here in a recent picture taken in Pyongyang. The nuclear missile, aimed at the United States with a lighthearted message of love, is estimated to be able to murder at least 8 million people in an instant.

Area Man Sucker Punched by Life

By Goldilocks
Area Man

NEW BRUNSWICK — Late Monday night, local man Jon Goldberg was assaulted by Life while walking to the corner store on Easton Avenue. Witnesses to the attack have reported seeing Life run up behind Mr. Goldberg and punch him in the back of the head, before taking multiple swings at his stomach, as well as a kick to the groin
while he was down on the ground.

“I can’t believe this happened to me. It was so sudden.” Mr. Goldberg said when delivering his statement to the police. “I was walking to lunch when I received a text from my girlfriend saying that she was leaving me. Before I could brace myself for the flood of emotions, I also received an email from my boss telling me I was being let go, as well as a call from my veterinarian telling me that my dog had been put down.”

Mr. Goldberg has stated that doctors and therapists have told him that it will take months, if not years to recover from the attack. “The doctor said I may be prone to crying out of the blue as I go about my day for the next few years. I’ve been told that the best thing to do is try not to think about how great my girlfriend was, or how my dog was always there to cheer me up when I was down,” said Mr. Goldberg before breaking down crying.

This is not the first surprise attack carried out by Life, who has blindsided multiple people in the past according to police documents. The police are currently asking for anyone with information onto the whereabouts of Life, who is still out at large.