Tag Archives: Trump

Trump Places Dead Last in Government Fantasy Football League

Donald Trump has led his football team to the bottom of league standings this season while simultaneously doing the same to the USA.

By Throb Lowe
Suffers From Dry Scalp

WASHINGTON—As this year’s NFL season winds down to an end, fantasy winners and losers are beginning to secure their finishing spots. The most notable loser, is the one and only Donald J. Trump, coming in dead last in the government’s  league this year.

Finishing with only one win, Trump’s team placed dead last in a league filled with other political figures. Trump’s only victory this season was over Hillary Clinton’s team in the early weeks. His first mistake was using his first round pick to secure handsome, white millionaire Tom Brady.

“Brady is the best player on the field. Only haters and losers would pass on him in 1st rnd. Dems picked shady characters and Pittsburgh players. Sad!” Trump tweeted out at 3 a.m. the night of his draft.

The one place Trump shined this season was on the league message boards, where he managed to send more messages than his team scored points all season. According to statistics pulled from ESPN’s fantasy app, Trump’s team didn’t score more than 75 points during any given matchup.

“He spends so much time on his phone, you’d think he could do some research,” said Paul Ryan “In the draft he took Brady and the Browns D early because Cleveland hosted the RNC.”

When prompted to give a statement on his poor standing in the league, Trump told reporters that they were the ones in last and he was undefeated.

Trump is set to face Bernie Sanders in the toilet bowl this year. However, Sanders remains confident after a suspicious loss to Clinton last year.

GOP Tax Bill Includes Secret Recipe for Steamed Ham

By Sue De Nim

WASHINGTON — The recent Republican proposed tax bill has just been passed in Congress 51-49, and with it, some new changes, including a corporate tax cut from 35% to 20%. But unbeknownst to most, the republicans have also snuck in other big legislations such as the allowance of drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. However, the biggest thing that they have managed to sneak past the public was the long kept secret FDR recipe for steamed ham. This recipe has been kept a secret from the American public for over 70 years, despite numerous protests attempting to have it released. The official CIA statement regarding its confidentiality from 2015 states, “The United States government has found that the Roosevelt ham recipe is too important to release. If the Russians were to get their hands on it, the socio-economic consequences could be devastating.”

The original recipe concocted by the late president was made in 1946, and was a response to the Great Depression as a cheap and easy food any good, American, homeless family could make. Historians have speculated that it single handedly saved the American economy from utter destruction, but now republicans seem to be disrespecting its impact.

“That recipe is a staple of this country and has no right being released to the world. It needs to be kept secret so stupid idiots can’t screw it up,” said famous chef and T.V. star Gordon Ramsay. Many people are defending the move, saying it will allow all Americans to cook like a president. “Why do I care if the fuckin’ wheelchair president wants to keep his ham recipe a secret. I want to learn how boil a cow in water for sustenance.” Right now, the bill stands at a 25% approval rating among the public, and continues to drop. The senate has still been trying to advertise for its success, claiming that they have finally gotten through “Lower taxes, more jobs, and better cooked meat for all.”

Yung OG Jeb Bush’s FIVE TIPS for smoking WEED This Winter!

It’s the motherfucking J-E-B! (JEB BUSH!)
You know I’m mobbin’ with the G-O-P!
(YEAH YEAH YEAH You know who’s back up in this
What what what what?
(So legalize the weed up then!)
Legalize it up, legalize it up!
(Just blaze that shit up guv’na, yeah, ‘sup Jeb??)
Yung Jeb, debate ‘em all, guv’na burn the shit up
I-R-A-Q my brotha bomb that shit up
F-B-I, N-S-A, yeah we lockin’ kids up
And when ya boy find oil this in the country you finna’ drill up
Gay lovers, sin makers yeah they giv’ heaven up
Money sense, defense budget goin’ up

Spendin’ hunnas while we runnin’ fo’ the Party’s support
Slip me twentyseven hunna and we gotcha fo’ sho’

Libs lookin’ at me strange but ya know that I own her
Step up inna fillibusta’ just a-swangin’ my Boehner

Donny quit talkin’, Trump walk if you just a celeb
Take a bullet with some dick and take this dope from this

Out of town, bring it down like the Corporate Tax
And if yo’ ass get sick, ay yo healthcare get axed

Come back lil bitch, light a blunt and undress
If you vote for the J you’ll be relievin’ your stress…

…Smoke Weed Everyday.