Last night was Trump’s State of the Union Address, in which he spent the entire time discussing the fact that he doesn’t look anything like Dr. Robotnik. No one is quite sure what prompted him to completely subvert the speech, meant to inform the public of the proceedings and current events of the federal government, in order to assure everyone that he bears no resemblance to the Sonic game series antagonist. Although he clearly doesn’t, many reporters left thinking that maybe he did look like him just a little bit.
By Sawyer Masshole
Likes Mass Holes
NEW BRUNSWICK— On Monday, President Trump approved a new set of tariffs for imported solar cells supposedly intended to reduce competition for domestic manufacturers, starting at a 30% rate and
“Years ago, China made a bad deal–not like any of my own deals, this was bad, bad, no good– and they subsidized solar panel factories,” Trump explained, “which was surprisingly stupid for such a smart people.”
“China’s factories accidentally flooded the market,” said Blanche Wasp, one of Trump’s economic advisors. “That sent the price of solar panels from over $1000 down to $200.”
Some critics label this tariff as ambiguous in its intentions. “It looks like it’ll help American solar panel producers, but it’s just going to raise the price and make solar less affordable again,” commented John J. Johnson, Jr., a sophomore in RBS. “And you know Tesla’s solar roof tiles won’t be cheap!”
These criticisms are validated by the fact that, despite bipartisan congressional appeals, Trump has not included climate change as a major security threat in his administration’s national security strategy.
“Of course I don’t want ‘global warming’,” explained the President last week from his Mar-a-lago golf club resort, “because then I wouldn’t get my snow days! And Mar-a-lago would get too sweaty and swampy!”
President Trump made his announcement after his routine weekends at the White House just before he boarded his jumbo jet plane to spend his weekdays golfing in Florida.
“AN EXPERT AT MISMANAGING THINGS ”
Donald Trump has led his football team to the bottom of league standings this season while simultaneously doing the same to the USA.
By Throb Lowe
Suffers From Dry Scalp
WASHINGTON—As this year’s NFL season winds down to an end, fantasy winners and losers are beginning to secure their finishing spots. The most notable loser, is the one and only Donald J. Trump, coming in dead last in the government’s league this year.
Finishing with only one win, Trump’s team placed dead last in a league filled with other political figures. Trump’s only victory this season was over Hillary Clinton’s team in the early weeks. His first mistake was using his first round pick to secure handsome, white millionaire Tom Brady.
“Brady is the best player on the field. Only haters and losers would pass on him in 1st rnd. Dems picked shady characters and Pittsburgh players. Sad!” Trump tweeted out at 3 a.m. the night of his draft.
The one place Trump shined this season was on the league message boards, where he managed to send more messages than his team scored points all season. According to statistics pulled from ESPN’s fantasy app, Trump’s team didn’t score more than 75 points during any given matchup.
“He spends so much time on his phone, you’d think he could do some research,” said Paul Ryan “In the draft he took Brady and the Browns D early because Cleveland hosted the RNC.”
When prompted to give a statement on his poor standing in the league, Trump told reporters that they were the ones in last and he was undefeated.
Trump is set to face Bernie Sanders in the toilet bowl this year. However, Sanders remains confident after a suspicious loss to Clinton last year.
By Sue De Nim
WASHINGTON — The recent Republican proposed tax bill has just been passed in Congress 51-49, and with it, some new changes, including a corporate tax cut from 35% to 20%. But unbeknownst to most, the republicans have also snuck in other big legislations such as the allowance of drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. However, the biggest thing that they have managed to sneak past the public was the long kept secret FDR recipe for steamed ham. This recipe has been kept a secret from the American public for over 70 years, despite numerous protests attempting to have it released. The official CIA statement regarding its confidentiality from 2015 states, “The United States government has found that the Roosevelt ham recipe is too important to release. If the Russians were to get their hands on it, the socio-economic consequences could be devastating.”
The original recipe concocted by the late president was made in 1946, and was a response to the Great Depression as a cheap and easy food any good, American, homeless family could make. Historians have speculated that it single handedly saved the American economy from utter destruction, but now republicans seem to be disrespecting its impact.
“That recipe is a staple of this country and has no right being released to the world. It needs to be kept secret so stupid idiots can’t screw it up,” said famous chef and T.V. star Gordon Ramsay. Many people are defending the move, saying it will allow all Americans to cook like a president. “Why do I care if the fuckin’ wheelchair president wants to keep his ham recipe a secret. I want to learn how boil a cow in water for sustenance.” Right now, the bill stands at a 25% approval rating among the public, and continues to drop. The senate has still been trying to advertise for its success, claiming that they have finally gotten through “Lower taxes, more jobs, and better cooked meat for all.”
It’s the motherfucking J-E-B! (JEB BUSH!)
You know I’m mobbin’ with the G-O-P!
(YEAH YEAH YEAH You know who’s back up in this
What what what what?
(So legalize the weed up then!)
Legalize it up, legalize it up!
(Just blaze that shit up guv’na, yeah, ‘sup Jeb??)
Yung Jeb, debate ‘em all, guv’na burn the shit up
I-R-A-Q my brotha bomb that shit up
F-B-I, N-S-A, yeah we lockin’ kids up
And when ya boy find oil this in the country you finna’ drill up
Gay lovers, sin makers yeah they giv’ heaven up
Money sense, defense budget goin’ up
Spendin’ hunnas while we runnin’ fo’ the Party’s support
Slip me twentyseven hunna and we gotcha fo’ sho’
Libs lookin’ at me strange but ya know that I own her
Step up inna fillibusta’ just a-swangin’ my Boehner
Donny quit talkin’, Trump walk if you just a celeb
Take a bullet with some dick and take this dope from this
Out of town, bring it down like the Corporate Tax
And if yo’ ass get sick, ay yo healthcare get axed
Come back lil bitch, light a blunt and undress
If you vote for the J you’ll be relievin’ your stress…
…Smoke Weed Everyday.