Tag Archives: Trump

President Trump Preemptively Pardons Tekashi 6ix9ine

By Carl “Yung Xylometazoline” Mueller

At his latest rally in the lead-up to election season, Trump has announced his plans to presidentially pardon controversial Brooklyn rapper Daniel Hernandez, known professionally as Tekashi 6ix9ine, should he be sentenced to serve anywhere from 32 years to life in prison.

“Listen, I’ve never personally met Mr. Tekashi, I don’t know Mr. Tekashi. What I do know is that Kanye was one of the good ones folks, very very smart cookie until he stopped working with Candace Owens that is, but anyone who associates with his genius must be very fine people too.”

This announcement comes amid 6ix9ine’s recent arrest for numerous federal racketeering and weapons charges stemming from his associations with the Nine Trey Gangsters, a sect of the East Coast Bloods. 6ix9ine is slated to stand trial on September 4th, 2019.

“My fellow Americans, when I assumed some, some of those people were good people, brave, decent men like Hombre Sixty Nine were amongst those people. The lying media LOVES to paint illegal women and children invading OUR borders as helpless victims who can’t handle a little internment camps or tear gas in their faces. Yet, whilst doing that, they utterly omit the bold patriotism of legal Americans like Taqueria 72, demonize him in fact. We’ve seen it with me, we’ve seen it with Honorable Justice Kavanaugh.”

Alluding to his administration’s own sexual misconduct allegations, as well as 6ix9ine’s own with filming a 13 year old girl, Trump congratulated Tekashi 6ix9ine’s “illustrious record” for women’s rights.

“No one respects women more than I or Justice Kavanaugh do, but Danny and that XXTemptation kid really came close,” he remarked, referring to late Florida rapper XXXTentacion. “It’s a despicable travesty, really, what our failing media has done, taking a five minute video and 27 minute tape out of context to define two decades of storied life experiences. I know that all too well.”

President Trump concluded his address by explaining how “it is a tremendous honor to pardon such a bold patriot. Mr. Hernando is a self-made entrepreneur like me, a true iconoclast, and much like myself, also isn’t afraid to flaunt alternative hairstyles.”

Trump stands by Saudi crown: “He’s a great Fortnite squad member”

By: Throbin Williams

A few days ago the CIA concluded that Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman ordered the assassination of journalist Jamal Khashoggi, but Donald Trump is standing by his word that bin Salman is a great guy.

“He’s a tremendous ally to me in Fortnite. He always makes sure his callouts are clear and shares his healables. And he is the best sniper I’ve ever seen.” Trump said.

In an interview with Fox News Trump said he believes that the prince had nothing to do with the killing, citing that he’s always online with him playing Fortnite and wouldn’t have had time to order it. A spokesperson from the CIA who requested to remain anonymous said that Trump spends roughly five hours a day playing the popular game with the prince.

“Sometimes we just play duos together, which is my favorite,” Trump said. “But other times Putin will get on between campaigns. And we usually rotate Bezos or Zuckerberg in as our fourth, but we’ll settle for Musk if we have to.”

The CIA reported that along with the recorded phone calls implicating the prince in the ordering of the killing and a recording on Khashoggi’s apple watch at the time of his death, they have obtained recordings of the prince in his home via his Amazon Echo device. The recordings detail the prince’s side of a conversation of him and Trump during a game of Fortnite where the prince clearly and verbally orders the killing.

Another anonymous source from the CIA confirmed that the prince ordered the assassination to someone else in the room while discussing where he and Trump where they should go once the circle closed. They even shared a clip of the conversation in an encrypted flash drive sent to The Medium.

“We should move into that porta fort, it’s totally abandoned. Oh shit! There’s a squad to our East… What? Yeah yeah just kill the guy…. Oh shit good shot Don.”

The Saudi Government says that the team who killed and dismembered Khashoggi was rogue and the crown had no knowledge of the operation. They also claim that the prince is always busy playing Fortnite with the president.

More updates to come after the prince orders the execution of five prisoners and claims they are the members of the hit squad being handed capital punishment.

President Trump Renames Cruz “Beautiful Ted,” Decides to Revamp Nicknames for all Political Foes

Washington D.C.-This week President Trump announced that he will no longer refer to Ted Cruz as “Lyin’ Ted” and will instead call him, “Beautiful Ted” following this change, Trump has decided he will change the nicknames for all his enemies. “It just seemed to be time,” the President said at press time, “I’m tired of calling them the same thing, I need to keep it fresh for me, otherwise what’s the point?” Trump went on to say he would no longer call Marco Rubio “Lil Marco” but instead “Lil Peep” as it, “just has a nice ring to it.” Jeb Bush will no longer be called “Low-Energy Jeb;” but is renamed “Shrunk-In-The-Wash-Then-Melted-In-The-Microwave Jeb!” When asked why the drastic change, President Trump replied, “I mean he just looks weird! Have you seen the guy?”

He then continued, “‘Crooked Hillary’, will just be ‘Hillary’ from now on. I mean she’s been through enough folks…I’m just kidding! Don’t worry, she is now the ‘Menstruating Mangina’ or ‘Pussy-Lips Clinton’.” He then went on to say that Elizabeth Warren’s “Pocahontas” was, “boring and outdated” and that “Senator Elizabeth Redskin” sounded better, “especially since the DNA results were positive.” President Trump ended by saying, “Kim Jong-un, you’re not safe either. Say ‘bye bye’ to ‘Little Rocket Man’ and ‘hello’ to ‘Missile Maniac’ or how about ‘The Kimchi Killer’?” When asked for comment, Jong-un replied, “[translated] I actually kind of like ‘Kimchi Killer’ it makes me sound like a wrestler.” The President announced no further name changes at this time. Justin Trudeau was reportedly disappointed as all Trump calls him is “Justin From Canada.”

Baby Field Guides Suggested by Education Department to Help Better Classify Newborns

By Drip Droplin
The sound of rain

WASHINGTON– This weekend a memo was obtained from President Donald J. Trump’s Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) considering a reinterpretation of the federal law banning sex discrimination in public schools, Title IX. Passed as part of the Education Amendments of 1972, Title IX is a federal civil rights law that has significantly impacted the handling of athletic programs and sexual discrimination and harassment since its implementation. Under the Obama administration, guidelines were released to assist educators in protecting transgender students from sex-based discrimination at school. These provisions allowed students to essentially act in accordance with their gender identities in situations such as bathroom choice and single-gender classes. These guidelines were rolled back in the past year by Trump’s Education Department, headed by Betsy DeVos.

The HHS memo suggested that the administration would be redefining the law protecting students from sex discrimination using the term “sex” to specifically refer to the genitals present at birth. As any change to the legislation adopted by HHS would be expected to be upheld by the departments of Labor, Justice, and Education, civil rights groups have already taken issue with this possibility. Opponents of the potential change were outraged Monday when DeVos suggested taking the strict binary that would exist under the new proposal several steps further.

“Schoolboards need to be prepared for any kind of student that walks through federally-funded doors,” DeVos said in a private interview, “to that end, the Department of Education needs to start collecting a
much more robust set of data about all potential incoming students.” According to the Department of Education head, the solution here is a simple one: field guides.

Though the DoE has no power over hospital practices at a federal level, its casual recommendation is to provide all new parents with a set of identification materials upon the birth of their infant, so they can make sure they know how to classify the child from the get-go. Like dichotomous keys often used by ecologists to identify trees, these booklets would be fully illustrated, and would guide new parents through a set of questions about their baby’s key characteristics so that they, and the government, could know exactly how the child will need to be treated before it started forming identities of its own. Points of identification would include biological sex, apparent sexual orientation, eyelash length, center of gravity, projected foot size, bowel transit time, predicted career aptitudes, and ruling element based on palm shape and finger length.

North Korea Sends Their Valentine’s Day Regards

Kim Jong Un is really getting into the spirit of American holidays, seen here in a recent picture taken in Pyongyang. The nuclear missile, aimed at the United States with a lighthearted message of love, is estimated to be able to murder at least 8 million people in an instant.

Trump Spends State of the Union Address Talking About how he Doesn’t Look Like Dr. Robotnik

Last night was Trump’s State of the Union Address, in which he spent the entire time discussing the fact that he doesn’t look anything like Dr. Robotnik. No one is quite sure what prompted him to completely subvert the speech, meant to inform the public of the proceedings and current events of the federal government, in order to assure everyone that he bears no resemblance to the Sonic game series antagonist. Although he clearly doesn’t, many reporters left thinking that maybe he did look like him just a little bit.

Trump Sabotages Solar Industry in Hopes for More Snow Days

By Sawyer Masshole
Likes Mass Holes

NEW BRUNSWICK— On Monday, President Trump approved a new set of tariffs for imported solar cells supposedly intended to reduce competition for domestic manufacturers, starting at a 30% rate and
descending thereafter.

“Years ago, China made a bad deal–not like any of my own deals, this was bad, bad, no good– and they subsidized solar panel factories,” Trump explained, “which was surprisingly stupid for such a smart people.”

“China’s factories accidentally flooded the market,” said Blanche Wasp, one of Trump’s economic advisors. “That sent the price of solar panels from over $1000 down to $200.”

Some critics label this tariff as ambiguous in its intentions. “It looks like it’ll help American solar panel producers, but it’s just going to raise the price and make solar less affordable again,” commented John J. Johnson, Jr., a sophomore in RBS. “And you know Tesla’s solar roof tiles won’t be cheap!”

These criticisms are validated by the fact that, despite bipartisan congressional appeals, Trump has not included climate change as a major security threat in his administration’s national security strategy.
“Of course I don’t want ‘global warming’,” explained the President last week from his Mar-a-lago golf club resort, “because then I wouldn’t get my snow days! And Mar-a-lago would get too sweaty and swampy!”

President Trump made his announcement after his routine weekends at the White House just before he boarded his jumbo jet plane to spend his weekdays golfing in Florida.