Once Again I Ask, “IS HOCUS POCUS REALLY YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE?”

By: PP Harding

Me and my flapping puss are back for the second part of my movie review. If you thought the first one was all I had to say then you are not only stupid, you’re ugly. Before I mention anything I would like to point out that it has only been a week since I saw the movie and I forgot the entire plot. It is so forgettable that I had to go back into Disney+ and find the movie just so I can remind myself of the specific instances where I wanted to kill myself, just to prove a point. Upon coming back to the movie, it reinforced what I had originally felt (the movie taking literally forever to start the plot) because I am now thirty minutes in and the main conflict has just started. So the virgin lights the candle and then the Sanderson sisters reappear and are like, “I smell some sexy children.” Then the children run away and the witches follow them into a graveyard. One of the witches zaps the boy with fucking LIGHTNING, but he takes a tumble and he’s totally fine. What powers do the other two witches have? Sarah Jessica Parker has the power of sensuality and the plump one with dark har has the power to have a weird mouth that adds nothing to the plot. Ok so they’re in the graveyard. Let me know if this was actually said in the movie, but they conjure a zombie named Billy… WhO tHe FuCk? Who is Billy? I think he might be the dad of the guy who got turned into a cat but I don’t know if that was ever actually established. There is no reason for a zombie to be in this movie. I suppose the plot needed something for the children to do to fill up time. Anyway, the zombie goes after the children and the witches continue to find their book (I think (I’m too lazy to try to remember, it’s not even worth it). As they’re exiting the cemetery, the Sanderson sisters are met with a super sexual bus driver that lets them on under the assumption that they will pay for their ride by going on another ride later (if ya know what I mean). That’s a lil something something for the parents I suppose. I’ll stop there for now, but I’ll be back….

Disney Selling Dime Bags of Baby Yoda to Recoup Losses

By: Throbbin Williams

In the face of recent financial struggles, Disney executives have taken to the streets selling hits of Baby Yoda to stay afloat. The media oligarch executed massive layoffs this week, canning a full 9/11’s worth of people on Monday, with 20,000 more to be booted later this month. Despite the massive cutbacks the company still has to resort to peddling The Child on street corners and in alleyways. Disney CEO Bob Chapek was spotted last night in downtown Los Angeles wearing a trench coat teeming with little baggies of the creature that made The Mandalorian a pilar in pop culture.

“Getting people hooked on Baby Yoda was my idea,” former CEO Bob Iger said, “And now that they really need the money they can cash in on the demand.”

Fans of the show have been anxiously waiting for season two to drop, watching reruns and looking at old memes to get their squishy green fix. Disney-phile adults, the least desirable group of derelicts on the planet, have been hurting extra hard.

“Look man, I just need some Child,” Star Wars buff Zachary Fawks said, “I’ll pay anything for a little more of that adorable little green guy. I’m just jonesing right now. Season one gets real stale after the 34^th time.”

The company reportedly has been making a killing pushing their cute intellectual property. A baggie of ‘Child’ goes on average for $45, but some users say they’ve paid as much as $150 for a bag. At this rate, Disney may be able to keep their California park open through the pandemic.

“We really need this money, haHa!” Disney icon Mickey Mouse told us, “These chumps will pay for anything with ears on it, haHa! Seriously, we could charge people $300 to have a group of people dressed like me and the gang to kick the shit out of them, haHa! They’ll pay, they keep coming back!”

Since Disney began selling small doses of Baby Yoda their evaluation on the NYSE has climbed nearly 2 points as the wealthy scramble to get in on the latest scheme.

Trump Tweets of Civil War Spark Litigation from Disney

By: Richard Hertz

 

As if the political climate was not perilous enough, Donald Trump took it upon himself to throw yet another wrench into the already completely fucked state of affairs. In this unfortunately real tweet from the PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, Potus writes “If the Democrats are successful in removing the President from office(which they will never be), it will cause a Civil War like fracture in this nation from which our Country will never heal”. Though he was quoting some evangelical pastor, the sentiment is clearly something he believes. The reactionary statement has sparked outrage among constitutionalists, anti-fascists,and just about anyone fearing that Trump has finally lost it. 

Today these groups have found a very powerful, but unlikely ally. Responding to both the wording of the tweet and the swarm of memes that have spawned thereafter, media giant Disney has launched a swarm of legal suits against the Potus. Claiming that he violated their copyright by using the term Civil War(TM), citing their 2016 film Avengers: Civil War. While normally fairly lenient with the use of the word in history classes and documentaries, the company fears that the use by President Trump will cause an unwanted negative association with the word. 

ABC News(which is owned by Disney) and other networks like CNN have lauded the decision of the company, appropriating the rhetoric used by those in favor of impeachment. One CNN morning show even going as far as to use one of Trump’s own talking points by attempting to start a “Lock Him Up!” style chant, however the whole thing felt forced and embarrassing so no one joined in. Twitter leftists have been very apprehensive about Disney’s involvement in the course of events, not so easily convinced that the corporate overlords are what we need to dig us out of this crisis.

University Voices: What Catchphrase From “That’s So Raven” Resonates Most With You?

Corbin Bleu in Awkward Situations!

Uh oh, here’s Corbin Bleu acting as a public defender in a robbery case, only he hasn’t spent eight years studying law!

Look at Corbin Bleu protesting at a vegan rally. Too bad he doesn’t share their ideals and values! Oh no!

Here’s Corbin Bleu speaking at Aaron Hernandez’s funeral, but he has no personal anecdotes to share with the funeral goers due to not having a real intimate connection with Aaron Hernandez OR his family! Oi vey!

Which Lovable Pixar Sidekick Best Describes Your Undying Devotion to the Emperor of Darkness?

BY Caillou

Everyone has their own special method to give thanks to Zorko, Emperor of Darkness and collector of lost souls. But which Pixar sidekick best describes YOUR undying devotion to our one true master?

1. Which delicious treat would you provide as tribute to His Three Hounds of Destruction?
a. T-bone steak
b. Grits
c. Rib eye steak
d. Apple pie

2. What part of the day do you prefer to carve the Puppeteer’s symbol on your tongue, so that you can always taste the path of righteousness?
a. Morning
b. Afternoon
c. Evening
d. Night

3. How would you describe your feelings as you slowly, yet meticulously, peel back the layer of skin on a nonbeliever?
a. Excited
b. Anxious
c. Ecstatic
d. Content

4. How many of your children have you disassociated with due to lack of devotion to the Church?
a. 1
b. 3
c. 8
d. All of them

5. How would you describe your perfect date?

a. A walk on the beach, followed by a moonlit blood sacrifice
b. A trip to the museum to take back the black magic manuscript
c. A movie date to see “Zorko: The Divine Truth”
d. Mass suicide

if you answered mostly a’s: congrats, you’re a Rex! You can be shy at times, but when it comes to devotion to our true lord, you’re a social “dinosaur!”

if you answered mostly b’s: congrats, you’re a Mater! You like meeting new people and trying new experiences, but aren’t afraid to mutilate your own body to prove your faith!

if you answered mostly c’s: congrats, you’re a Dug! You’re loyal to friends and family, and love life to the fullest. You can also make a real mean shepherd’s pie from the organs of politicians who refuse to accept our church as a real religion.

if you answered mostly d’s: congrats, you’re a Frozone! Dude’s pretty sick.

Disney’s Aladdin Stuck in Iraq Because of Trump Travel Ban

Squid
Travel Expert

BAGHDAD—As President Trump’s travel ban moves into its second week of effect, residents from the US and outside countries are beginning to feel more and more of the repercussions the largest being denial of visa holding citizens to the country. This has affected esteemed professors, businessmen, and even a few celebrities, the most notable being the Disney prince Aladdin.

Aladdin, having gone to Baghdad per Jasmine’s request to visit with family and friends, heard the news of the travel ban and attempted to get back to the US right away. Unfortunately, with the ban going into effect almost immediately, Aladdin was denied even the ability to get on a plane leaving for LAX.

“’It will be good for the kids,’ she said. ‘We haven’t seen her father in years,’ she said,” mused Aladdin in an exclusive phone interview.

According to witnesses, immigration officers stepped on to the Turkish Airways flight asking that the entire Royal Agraban family remove themselves from the flight to which Aladdin responded, “Oh suck my dick,” before being forcibly removed from the aircraft.

“All I want to do is get the fuck home at this point. After all I’ve done for those fuckers at Mouse Land, they can’t even get me a flight home,” Aladdin continued in the interview.

Disney has since responded to these allegations, “The Disney Corporation has had no contact with Mr. Aladdin since 1992. We decided to cut ties after a period of back-to-back custody battles throughout several messy divorces. The views of Mr. Aladdin do not reflect those of the Disney Corporation in any way, shape, or form.”

Aladdin was last seen expelled from the Baghdad airport screaming, “Do you know who I am!?”

He is one of many being denied re-entry into this country, even with proper U.S. citizenship and documents to prove so.

Donald Trump Cashes in Last Genie Wish for Patriots Win

Maximum Powers
Minnie the Moocher

Washington, D.C.—It has been confirmed by White House correspondents that President Donald Trump has officially used the last wish from his magic lamp to secure the Patriots another Super Bowl win. It was during the halftime show that Trump reportedly decided to “just f*ck it” and used the final wish to save the Patriots from embarrassment. This wish is just coming off his previous two requests, winning the election and having slightly bigger hands. This Patriot victory marks the final wish granted to him by the genie that inhabits the lamp.

When asked about the use of his wish, President Trump replied “Look, Tom is a really great guy, just the best, but I saw he was hurting and I used my wish because I knew he should win.” When asked about the fairness of the use of genie wishes in professional play, Trump answered, “Hey Atlanta is a great city, really the best, but they had access to lamps, too. Just because my lamp happened to have a Russian genie in it does not mean that the Patriots did not deserve to win. I know for a fact that there is no person out there who is not a Patriots fan, not one.

A FRIEND LIKE ME Tom Brady’s magical intervention at the start of the second half

The use of outside magical forces has been a topic of controversy among the athletics community for decades. While the case of the NBA v. Calvin Cambridge ruled that magical objects, like magic sneakers, are not permitted in play, the Angels in the Outfield event ruled that teams can receive divine intervention so long as they are the underdogs in the game. Currently, Atlanta is looking into the players of the Patriots for any signs of cancer -ridden children or defunded orphanages that usually allow for such interventions to take place.

The Medium was able to reach Trump’s genie for a comment as he was being held at the airport by the TSA due to his assumed Middle Eastern origin. When asked about the other possible wishes all the genie, Ugo, had to say was, “I’m just glad he wasted two of them. From what that Bannon guy was telling him to wish for, you just be glad that he didn’t know to wish for more wishes.”

“A THUG’S LIFE”

Volume XLIX Issue II

BY Sawyer