Everyone has their own special method to give thanks to Zorko, Emperor of Darkness and collector of lost souls. But which Pixar sidekick best describes YOUR undying devotion to our one true master?
1. Which delicious treat would you provide as tribute to His Three Hounds of Destruction?
a. T-bone steak
c. Rib eye steak
d. Apple pie
2. What part of the day do you prefer to carve the Puppeteer’s symbol on your tongue, so that you can always taste the path of righteousness?
3. How would you describe your feelings as you slowly, yet meticulously, peel back the layer of skin on a nonbeliever?
4. How many of your children have you disassociated with due to lack of devotion to the Church?
d. All of them
5. How would you describe your perfect date?
a. A walk on the beach, followed by a moonlit blood sacrifice
b. A trip to the museum to take back the black magic manuscript
c. A movie date to see “Zorko: The Divine Truth”
d. Mass suicide
if you answered mostly a’s: congrats, you’re a Rex! You can be shy at times, but when it comes to devotion to our true lord, you’re a social “dinosaur!”
if you answered mostly b’s: congrats, you’re a Mater! You like meeting new people and trying new experiences, but aren’t afraid to mutilate your own body to prove your faith!
if you answered mostly c’s: congrats, you’re a Dug! You’re loyal to friends and family, and love life to the fullest. You can also make a real mean shepherd’s pie from the organs of politicians who refuse to accept our church as a real religion.
if you answered mostly d’s: congrats, you’re a Frozone! Dude’s pretty sick.
BAGHDAD—As President Trump’s travel ban moves into its second week of effect, residents from the US and outside countries are beginning to feel more and more of the repercussions the largest being denial of visa holding citizens to the country. This has affected esteemed professors, businessmen, and even a few celebrities, the most notable being the Disney prince Aladdin.
Aladdin, having gone to Baghdad per Jasmine’s request to visit with family and friends, heard the news of the travel ban and attempted to get back to the US right away. Unfortunately, with the ban going into effect almost immediately, Aladdin was denied even the ability to get on a plane leaving for LAX.
“’It will be good for the kids,’ she said. ‘We haven’t seen her father in years,’ she said,” mused Aladdin in an exclusive phone interview.
According to witnesses, immigration officers stepped on to the Turkish Airways flight asking that the entire Royal Agraban family remove themselves from the flight to which Aladdin responded, “Oh suck my dick,” before being forcibly removed from the aircraft.
“All I want to do is get the fuck home at this point. After all I’ve done for those fuckers at Mouse Land, they can’t even get me a flight home,” Aladdin continued in the interview.
Disney has since responded to these allegations, “The Disney Corporation has had no contact with Mr. Aladdin since 1992. We decided to cut ties after a period of back-to-back custody battles throughout several messy divorces. The views of Mr. Aladdin do not reflect those of the Disney Corporation in any way, shape, or form.”
Aladdin was last seen expelled from the Baghdad airport screaming, “Do you know who I am!?”
He is one of many being denied re-entry into this country, even with proper U.S. citizenship and documents to prove so.
Minnie the Moocher
Washington, D.C.—It has been confirmed by White House correspondents that President Donald Trump has officially used the last wish from his magic lamp to secure the Patriots another Super Bowl win. It was during the halftime show that Trump reportedly decided to “just f*ck it” and used the final wish to save the Patriots from embarrassment. This wish is just coming off his previous two requests, winning the election and having slightly bigger hands. This Patriot victory marks the final wish granted to him by the genie that inhabits the lamp.
When asked about the use of his wish, President Trump replied “Look, Tom is a really great guy, just the best, but I saw he was hurting and I used my wish because I knew he should win.” When asked about the fairness of the use of genie wishes in professional play, Trump answered, “Hey Atlanta is a great city, really the best, but they had access to lamps, too. Just because my lamp happened to have a Russian genie in it does not mean that the Patriots did not deserve to win. I know for a fact that there is no person out there who is not a Patriots fan, not one.
The use of outside magical forces has been a topic of controversy among the athletics community for decades. While the case of the NBA v. Calvin Cambridge ruled that magical objects, like magic sneakers, are not permitted in play, the Angels in the Outfield event ruled that teams can receive divine intervention so long as they are the underdogs in the game. Currently, Atlanta is looking into the players of the Patriots for any signs of cancer -ridden children or defunded orphanages that usually allow for such interventions to take place.
The Medium was able to reach Trump’s genie for a comment as he was being held at the airport by the TSA due to his assumed Middle Eastern origin. When asked about the other possible wishes all the genie, Ugo, had to say was, “I’m just glad he wasted two of them. From what that Bannon guy was telling him to wish for, you just be glad that he didn’t know to wish for more wishes.”