Category Archives: Trump

The Most Important Quotes from Michael Cohen’s CLOSED DOOR Testimony

Here are the most noteworthy quotes from Cohen’s closed door testimony. Someone leaked the script, and we got our hands on it. A lot of important things were said, and we’ve assembled the best information for you to know:


“Donald Trump made me blow raspberries on his tummy” – This is a quote we were all shocked to physically see, though we probably knew about deep down the whole time.


“Trump was constantly angry that sports teams kept showing up and eating his fast food” – This surprised me. I mean, I know he can stand to lose a few pounds, but weren’t there like 800 hamburgers at some of those events?


“He once mistook Ivanka for Melania. Then again, maybe he just grabs all women by the pussy” – Disgusting.


“He thinks Donald Trump Jr. has a dumb name… unironically.” – Hilarious.


“He always said ‘Tim Apple is one of my best friends.’” – It makes sense that he doesn’t know the name of one of his best friends, but hasn’t he talked to this guy like three times?


“He often was on the phone with Putin and said things like ‘oh stop it you rascal’ and ‘validation from you is literally more important to me than anything.’” – Pretty obvious, but again, nice to see it in writing.

President Trump Renames Cruz “Beautiful Ted,” Decides to Revamp Nicknames for all Political Foes

Washington D.C.-This week President Trump announced that he will no longer refer to Ted Cruz as “Lyin’ Ted” and will instead call him, “Beautiful Ted” following this change, Trump has decided he will change the nicknames for all his enemies. “It just seemed to be time,” the President said at press time, “I’m tired of calling them the same thing, I need to keep it fresh for me, otherwise what’s the point?” Trump went on to say he would no longer call Marco Rubio “Lil Marco” but instead “Lil Peep” as it, “just has a nice ring to it.” Jeb Bush will no longer be called “Low-Energy Jeb;” but is renamed “Shrunk-In-The-Wash-Then-Melted-In-The-Microwave Jeb!” When asked why the drastic change, President Trump replied, “I mean he just looks weird! Have you seen the guy?”

He then continued, “‘Crooked Hillary’, will just be ‘Hillary’ from now on. I mean she’s been through enough folks…I’m just kidding! Don’t worry, she is now the ‘Menstruating Mangina’ or ‘Pussy-Lips Clinton’.” He then went on to say that Elizabeth Warren’s “Pocahontas” was, “boring and outdated” and that “Senator Elizabeth Redskin” sounded better, “especially since the DNA results were positive.” President Trump ended by saying, “Kim Jong-un, you’re not safe either. Say ‘bye bye’ to ‘Little Rocket Man’ and ‘hello’ to ‘Missile Maniac’ or how about ‘The Kimchi Killer’?” When asked for comment, Jong-un replied, “[translated] I actually kind of like ‘Kimchi Killer’ it makes me sound like a wrestler.” The President announced no further name changes at this time. Justin Trudeau was reportedly disappointed as all Trump calls him is “Justin From Canada.”

Baby Field Guides Suggested by Education Department to Help Better Classify Newborns

By Drip Droplin
The sound of rain

WASHINGTON– This weekend a memo was obtained from President Donald J. Trump’s Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) considering a reinterpretation of the federal law banning sex discrimination in public schools, Title IX. Passed as part of the Education Amendments of 1972, Title IX is a federal civil rights law that has significantly impacted the handling of athletic programs and sexual discrimination and harassment since its implementation. Under the Obama administration, guidelines were released to assist educators in protecting transgender students from sex-based discrimination at school. These provisions allowed students to essentially act in accordance with their gender identities in situations such as bathroom choice and single-gender classes. These guidelines were rolled back in the past year by Trump’s Education Department, headed by Betsy DeVos.

The HHS memo suggested that the administration would be redefining the law protecting students from sex discrimination using the term “sex” to specifically refer to the genitals present at birth. As any change to the legislation adopted by HHS would be expected to be upheld by the departments of Labor, Justice, and Education, civil rights groups have already taken issue with this possibility. Opponents of the potential change were outraged Monday when DeVos suggested taking the strict binary that would exist under the new proposal several steps further.

“Schoolboards need to be prepared for any kind of student that walks through federally-funded doors,” DeVos said in a private interview, “to that end, the Department of Education needs to start collecting a
much more robust set of data about all potential incoming students.” According to the Department of Education head, the solution here is a simple one: field guides.

Though the DoE has no power over hospital practices at a federal level, its casual recommendation is to provide all new parents with a set of identification materials upon the birth of their infant, so they can make sure they know how to classify the child from the get-go. Like dichotomous keys often used by ecologists to identify trees, these booklets would be fully illustrated, and would guide new parents through a set of questions about their baby’s key characteristics so that they, and the government, could know exactly how the child will need to be treated before it started forming identities of its own. Points of identification would include biological sex, apparent sexual orientation, eyelash length, center of gravity, projected foot size, bowel transit time, predicted career aptitudes, and ruling element based on palm shape and finger length.

Trump Spends State of the Union Address Talking About how he Doesn’t Look Like Dr. Robotnik

Last night was Trump’s State of the Union Address, in which he spent the entire time discussing the fact that he doesn’t look anything like Dr. Robotnik. No one is quite sure what prompted him to completely subvert the speech, meant to inform the public of the proceedings and current events of the federal government, in order to assure everyone that he bears no resemblance to the Sonic game series antagonist. Although he clearly doesn’t, many reporters left thinking that maybe he did look like him just a little bit.

Trump Sabotages Solar Industry in Hopes for More Snow Days

By Sawyer Masshole
Likes Mass Holes

NEW BRUNSWICK— On Monday, President Trump approved a new set of tariffs for imported solar cells supposedly intended to reduce competition for domestic manufacturers, starting at a 30% rate and
descending thereafter.

“Years ago, China made a bad deal–not like any of my own deals, this was bad, bad, no good– and they subsidized solar panel factories,” Trump explained, “which was surprisingly stupid for such a smart people.”

“China’s factories accidentally flooded the market,” said Blanche Wasp, one of Trump’s economic advisors. “That sent the price of solar panels from over $1000 down to $200.”

Some critics label this tariff as ambiguous in its intentions. “It looks like it’ll help American solar panel producers, but it’s just going to raise the price and make solar less affordable again,” commented John J. Johnson, Jr., a sophomore in RBS. “And you know Tesla’s solar roof tiles won’t be cheap!”

These criticisms are validated by the fact that, despite bipartisan congressional appeals, Trump has not included climate change as a major security threat in his administration’s national security strategy.
“Of course I don’t want ‘global warming’,” explained the President last week from his Mar-a-lago golf club resort, “because then I wouldn’t get my snow days! And Mar-a-lago would get too sweaty and swampy!”

President Trump made his announcement after his routine weekends at the White House just before he boarded his jumbo jet plane to spend his weekdays golfing in Florida.